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Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 5, 2016

I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...

I hate having sex in the bath.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children"

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

If a Norwegian robot...

If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

Always love a woman for her personality...

They have like ten of them, so you can choose.

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The only thing he finds is his poisonous windshield wiper fluid. To at least have something, Jake decides to take it with him.

And then the journey begins.

So he walks...

And walks...

And walks...

Eventually, he gets too exhausted to walk, so he crawls...

And crawls...

And crawls...

And crawls...

Dehydrated from the blazing desert heat, he gives in to his reflexes and drinks the windshield wiper fluid.

It didn't help.

So he continued to crawl...

And crawl...

And crawl...

But then, as he thought he couldn't crawl anymore, he sees the strangest thing in his entire life: a snake wrapped around a large upright stick.

Bewildered, he approached the reptile.

Then, the snake speaks to Jake:

"Hello, I am Nate, Guardian of the Lever. If the lever is pulled, the entire universe, everything in it, and all life will come to an end. I was told that the next person who approaches would be the new Guardian of the Lever, and I was to grant him three wishes to reward him for accepting this noble task."

Jake processes the extreme responsibility bestowed upon him, and gladly accepts his new role. He begins with his first wish:

"First, make me healthy. I am simultaneously dying of windshield wiper poisoning and dehydration."

And Nate obeyed; with a swish of his tail, Jake was cured.

"Second, get me out of this desert. While the Lever is great, I want to go home."

Nate replies, "Before I grant your second wish, what is your third wish?"

Jake ponders this, and finally decides, "I want all of the wisdom in the entire universe. I want to understand how to be successful and live life to the fullest."

And then Nate granted both of Jake's wishes, bringing him back home with new knowledge.

With this knowledge, Jake became very wealthy. He bought a beautiful house with an amazing view, started a family, and sold an extremely successful start-up.

However, Jake knew of his responsibility, and would often go to see his good friend Nate, who still lived by the Lever because he had been there for so long.

On one of his trips to visit Nate, Jake takes a new car through the desert. After a distance, Jake sees the Lever, a cliff, and Nate. Jake decides to stop the car and reaches to brake, but he unfortunately bought his car from the wrong person, for the brakes weren't working. Jake analyzes the situation. If he keeps going straight, he'll plummet off of a cliff. If he turns left, he'll hit the Lever which will end the entire universe, everything in it, and all life. If he turns right, he'll crush his good friend Nate.

Jake knows the correct decision.

He turns right and kills his good friend Nate.

Jake then exclaims, "Better Nate than Lever!"

A redneck broke up with his girlfriend

it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Well, then about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will now have to drop people. You will be given floating devices and will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore. To be fair, we will do this in alphabetical order. 'A' is for African American. All African Americans, please raise your hands."

Well, hearing this, the little black boy started to raise his hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine, let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands."

Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him again.

The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll move on to C. 'C' is for Colored. All colored people, raise your hands."

The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father pushes it down and tells him no.

"But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we are also called colored. Why won't you let me raise my hand?"

His father says, "No son, today, we're niggers. Those damn Jews and Mexicans are going before us!"

I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee

Without other people's dicks in it.

Jewish Bra

A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills.

Ms. Pac Man is the biggest hoe in history

For 25 cents she swallows until she fucking dies.

Texas floods leave 6 dead

Texas floods leave 6 dead
Rain is devastating Southeast Texas in unimaginable ways. Six people are confirmed dead, others are missing, and cities are being torn apart by damage.

May 30, 2016 at 10:00AM
via Digg

A man in his backyard...

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"

To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"

Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

EDIT: Thanks for getting me onto the front page!

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

I want to make a school shooting joke, but that might seem offensive.

I think I should aim for a younger crowd.

Not all math puns are bad

Just sum

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous ...

A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer."

The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off. Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.

So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, "Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer."

She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!"

The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually."

His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?"

The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."

Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 5, 2016

My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."

My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."

So I replied, "No, your generation is too reliant on technology!"

Then I disconnected his life support.


Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Penguins and the cop

Credit to u/Akatheerder

A police officer is parked by the side of the road. He sees a pickup truck drive by and it's full of penguins. The officer flips his siren on and pulls the truck over.

He approaches the window and asks the man, "Sir, what are you doing with these penguins?"

"Well they're my pets, officer," the man replies.

"I'm afraid you'll have to take these animals to the zoo," the officer says, and leaves.

The next day, the police officer is parked in the same spot. He sees the same truck drive by. Now all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He flips the siren on and pulls the truck over.

Upon reaching the window he says, "Sir, I told you to take these animals to the zoo."

"Yes officer, I did," replies the man. "Today we're going to the beach."

I have a gun by my bed.

So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints

When does CPR become necrophilia?

When you are both stiff

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

Two Jewish men..

Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'

The waiter said, 'I won’t be knowing, but I will ask  the Chef .After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later  and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India  . Our people are scattered everywhere.' 

The waiter returned and said, 'The Chef and the Captai! n my boss and they all say there is no Indian Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'

Listen you assholes , I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews!   - No Indian Jews OK!!!!!???!!!

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.

He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?

One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.

Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step is mouth to mouth.

Firefighter: How do you think all this started?

In 1839 an Arab man made the first condom

The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

The unending quest of the Hoax Slayer

The unending quest of the Hoax Slayer
Thirteen years ago, Brett Christensen was the victim of an email hoax. Since then, he’s dedicated himself to preventing the same fate for others.

May 30, 2016 at 03:25AM
via Digg

Cockpit duties...

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."

As a Marxist I could never play CoD,

because I refuse to create a class.

I put my root beer in a square glass.

Now it's just beer.

*rubs a lamp*

rubs a lamp

Genie appears and asks for a wish

"I don't wanna die virgin"

*Genie grants immortality

Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch

Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names

Little Johnny lives with his mother on a farm...

One day he comes running in and screams: "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is fucking the cow!" His Mother slaps him hard and says: "We don't use language like that in this house, the next time it happens, say 'The bull is surprising the cow.'" Rubbing his cheek, Little Johnny walks away.

A couple of days go by and Little Johnny runs in again, screaming "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is surprising all the cows!", his Mother turns around and says "That's not possible, he can't be surprising all the cows at once" Little Johnny says: "Yes he can, because he's fucking the horse!"

What do you call it when a white person robs you?


Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over?

That makes it cap sized

Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 5, 2016

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"

"Africa!", says the parrot.

My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke.

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

A man walks into a bar...

... and upon entering it declares "Trump supporters are assholes."

A second man gets up from his barstool and yells at the first man from across the bar "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Are you a Trump supporter?" inquires the first man.

"No," the second man replies, "I'm an asshole."

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, "No, you don't understand. You're too rough. I'm getting splinters down there."

The next day, he's telling this to Geppeto. "You really gotta help me fix this..."

Geppeto replies, "Head down to the toolbox, in the bottom drawer is some 220-grit sandpaper. That should fix the problem."

A week or so later, Geppeto is in Home Depot, and he sees Pinocchio in line at the cashier, with another package of sandpaper.

"Hey, Pinocchio," Geppeto calls out. "It looks like the girls are really liking the new smooth feel!"

Pinocchio replies, "Girls? Who needs girls?"

Seeing eye dogs.

A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay".

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. The first man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a seeing eye dog and then it'll be okay". The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in. The bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" The man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What? They sold me a Chihuahua?!"

I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now it's a Ford Focus.

I love the smell of my F5 key...

It's just so refreshing!

I asked my german friends if they had Oculus Rifts yet

they said "V.R. Ready"

What's the point of Jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend...

Do it with a parachute.

Have Mercy on Your Bank Account — The Full House House is For Sale

Have Mercy on Your Bank Account — The Full House House is For Sale
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, there's an excellent real estate opportunity in San Francisco laden with childhood nostalgia.

May 28, 2016 at 10:47PM
via Digg

Why does Wally (Waldo) always wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted!

I'll let myself out.

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

Puppy Love (NSFW)

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."

"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.

The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.

His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies:

"Next time flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then I got kicked out of the library.

Why is whacking a Donald Trump piñata a really *bad* idea?

Because it's full of shit

Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 5, 2016

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle.

Sure, white people can't say the 'n word'

But at least we can say phrases like "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hey Dad"

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

What do you call a belt made of dollar bills?

A waist of money.

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engineer told his assistant to get a tablespoon of kerosene and give it to the doctor. When he tasted the kerosene, the doctor spat it out and exclaimed," That was terrible!"

The engineer smirked and replied," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left grumbling

Still determined, the doctor went back to the clinic and told the engineer this time," I have lost my memory!"

The engineer told his assistant to give the doctor another tablespoon of kerosene. When the doctor heard it, he immediately stopped the assistant.

The engineer, once again, laughed and told the doctor," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left

Even more determined, the doctor marched into the clinic and told the engineer," I have lost my vision." The engineer thought for a moment and sighed and replied, " I do not have a cure for that, I will write you the check for $1500." So, he goes off and begins to write a check.

The doctor smirked and waited for the engineer. When the engineer came back, he handed the doctor the check and left.

"WAIT! This check only has $200, are you trying to cheat me?" the doctor exclaimed. But at that moment, the doctor realised his fault.

"That would be another $500, thank you." the engineer replied, laughing.

A man is driving a car through the woods...

Suddenly, he stumbles upon a frog and he immidiately stops. He leaves his car, and the frog thanks him for stopping and offers him 3 wishes. The man is confused, but eventually he has these 3 wishes:

  1. I want a huge house
  2. I want a basement full of money
  3. I want 2 women in every room with big boobs.

The frog claps, and hops away. Man goes to his home, and he has something to see: huge house, with his name on the mailbox. He enters it and in all rooms there are women waiting for him, he rushes to his basement to see it full of money. After a few days of 'making love' and spending some money, he decides to visit the frog again to thank it.

He goes to the forest to the exact spot where he first saw the frog, and after he finds it, he thanks the frog and asks if there's anything he can do for it.

"Everyone always asks me for wishes, but I have always wanted someone to fuck me."

After all that the frog has done for the man, he could not refuse. He starts, and suddenly BAM!, the frog turns into a 13 year old girl.


What's more Irish than eating potatoes?

Not eating potatoes.

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

I was disappointed to have to pay for my new roof

they promised me it would be on the house

A married man goes into a confessional...

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

The secret life of Kim Jong Un’s aunt, who has lived in the U.S. since 1998

The secret life of Kim Jong Un’s aunt, who has lived in the U.S. since 1998
For the past 18 years, since defecting from North Korea into the waiting arms of the CIA, she's been living an anonymous life with her husband and three children.

May 28, 2016 at 12:43AM
via Digg

I Farted...

I farted infront of my Jewish friend and he got offended, i shrugged and said "what? A little gas never killed anyone"

What does DNA stand for

National Dyslexia Association.

The Fart

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. "Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk."

"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

"Dr. Epstein replied, "Son , I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

There are five states of matter.

  1. Solid
  2. Liquid
  3. Gas
  4. Plasma
  5. Black Lives

I once met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds weird....

...Dozen tit?

Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?

I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing...

Unless you're talking to someone at a funeral.

Dimitri Martin

Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 5, 2016

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Billy raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Billy replied, "Shit! From way back there I thought you said, "Goats!"

How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.

I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won

I said, "yeah man, you're free!"

Who build King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

A man is walking along...

when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.

He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she says.

No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.

"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she says.

"Well," thinks the man, "might as well keep going."

On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.

"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

As he turns her down and goes on up the ladder, the man thinks to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud is an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole works. "Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success," she begs.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asked.

"Hey cutie," said the ugly fat man, "my name is Cess!"

How do you annoy people on Reddit?


A girl comes crying into her mother's home

and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.

The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"

"Its a magic dildo dear," says her mom calmly "just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job."

So the girl goes to her house and says "Great Magic Dildo vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her pussy, exciting her like no man has. It makes her cum harder than ever before. The girl is very pleased and tired. She lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo-what are you holding??"

"Its a Great Magic Dildo."

Laughing, he says "Yeah great magic dildo my ass."

Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"

I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...

...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How cool is that for someone her age?

an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"

He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.

She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

I like my women like I like my golf scores

In the 80s, with a slight handicap

How John Hinckley Lives Now

How John Hinckley Lives Now
He drives a Toyota. He eats fro-yo. He shops at PetSmart. You just might run into him.

May 27, 2016 at 12:38AM
via Digg

Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.


"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."

Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.

Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.

"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.

Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"

Medical Miracles

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?

An acronym stands for something

I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!

Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 5, 2016

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.

My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care.

His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.

My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

This is a man, I thought.

A man used to taking charge.

A man not used to taking ‘no’ for an answer.

A man who would tell me what he wanted.

A man who would look into my soul and say...

“Okay, ma’am, you can board your flight now.”

Tom observed that his girlfriend had started smoking

so he slowed down and applied some lubricant.

There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors

Three women worked in the same office...

Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, the boss left work early.

One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.

She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband.

But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

What is a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connections for the following reasons: 1. Illegal downloading.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train

The 3 accountants each buy tickets, but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks one of the accountants. "You'll see.", an engineer responds.

As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor knocks on the door, one arm comes out through a narrow crack in the door to give him the ticket.

The accountants all agree that this is a great way to save money, so on the return trip, the accountants only buy one ticket, but the engineers don't buy any tickets. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks an accountant. "You'll see." responds an engineer.

As the train leaves the station, all three accountants pile into one bathroom and an engineer knocks on the door and says "Ticket, please.".

My dog has no legs. I call him Cigarette.

Every night I come home from work, I take him for a drag.

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

So This Dude Is Definitely Sleeping While Autopilot Drives His Tesla, Huh? 

So This Dude Is Definitely Sleeping While Autopilot Drives His Tesla, Huh? 
Tesla's Autopilot is designed to be used with the driver's supervision, but that didn't stop this Tesla owner from embracing the future and taking a quick snooze.

May 26, 2016 at 02:46AM
via Digg

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door. "I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said. "Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem". "No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

The only gorilla at the zoo dies...

...right before the zoo opens. The gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

What's the main use for leather in the world?

Holding cows together

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

A man lies naked on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 5, 2016

Wendy was a prostitute.

Wendy was a prostitute and didn't want her granny to know.
One day police came across the brothel that she worked at and ordered all prostitutes to stand in a line, so that they could take their names one by one.
Suddenly, granny comes along and notices Wendy in the line which was now leading outside, and so she walked up to her and said.
"Wendy dear, why are you standing in this line full of prostitutes?"
Wendy lied and told granny that the police were giving out free oranges, and she wanted some.
"That's nice." Said granny and so she went to to back of the line as she wanted some for herself.
Eventually the police get to her and say "Tut tut tut, still at it your age old lady, how do you do it?"
Granny smiles and simply replies "It's easy dear, I just pull the skin back and suck them dry!"

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen...

Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect."

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

I used to feel like boy trapped in a woman's body

But then I was born

I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce "either" as "ee-ther" or "eye-ther"

He said, "You can say either."

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies. "I would like some breakfast"

What's a comedians least favorite drink?


what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music

mount rushmore

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

How many Hilary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None- they prefer to be kept in the dark

Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

A mother has 3 kids

A mother has 3 kids.

The first kid goes up to her mom and says, "Mommy, why I am I named petal?"

The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"

The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head

Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.

The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

Do Trump and Clinton Matter?

Do Trump and Clinton Matter?
Despite the fact that this election looks like it might be one of the most unique ones in history, polling numbers are starting to resemble those of Obama and Romney. Does it really matter who's running?

May 24, 2016 at 07:41AM
via Digg

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

Why are there no cats on Mars?


A man walks into a library ...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one!"

Do twins ever realize...

one of them was unplanned?

Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 5, 2016

The most offensive Jokes ever 1

WARNING - Please don't read if you are easily offended.

What sound does a newborn make when you're fucking it in the ass?

I don't remember, I was too busy laughing!

What do you call a gay guy in the World Trade Center on 9/11?



A faggot.

What's the best thing about fucking a 9-year-old girl?

Flipping her over and pretending she's a 9-year old boy.

Why is there no black character in the game "Clue"?

Because then it would be called "Solved".

What's better than winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

What's worse than sucking 12 raw oysters out of your grandma's vagina?

Realizing you only put in eleven.

I hate how politically correct we have to be nowadays! You can't even say "black paint" anymore!

You have to say "Jamal, would you kindly paint my fence?"

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?


What's worse than the holocaust?

Six million Jews.

Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages.

They’re calling it ‘Islam’.

What's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

How do you get Hellen Keller to keep a secret?

Break her fingers.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

What do you get when cross an Italian with a gorilla?

A retarded gorilla.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

They won't work in the future either.

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke.

What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog the whole time?

Distracting fat people is easy - it's a piece of cake.

Is it not ironic that people with club feet tend to be bad dancers?

The only thing more suspicious than a black man running is a black man tiptoeing.

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

I did a standup comedy gig for Alzheimer's sufferers. It was brilliant! Two hours, one joke.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

These are really bad but hey - why not

White guys says - 'I just found out my sister is having a baby with a black guy, well I'll be a monkeys uncle'

My wife suggested today that we get our daughter Christened and I couldn't be more pleased. I'm not religious at all, I just remember what happened when she suggested we Christen the new settee.

What's the solution to world hunger? Stop feeding them! They wont be hungry much longer.

Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.

Has anyone else noticed that "Maddie" is an anagram of "I'm dead"?

How is eucharist like a dick?You get them both shoved down your throat by a priest.

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country? Sexy kids.

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!

When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.

Dear Jonathan Ross,I've just shagged your daughter. Who's laughing now?Lots of love,Gary Glitter x

My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"

Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve; excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.

Failed my biology test today: They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

Important Notes:

I love offensive jokes. They're the purest, harshest satire of the genuinely offensive thoughts that many people hold in their heads, and occasionally spout out their mouths. Beyond that, they do what all comedy does, they provide an outlet for the ominous, uncomfortable reality we're all a part of. A reality full of death, hate and suffering that we often try to ignore.

They're effective because they express the cruelest ideas imaginable - yet rarely do they surpass the cruelness of reality. The simple fact that these jokes 'register' and make sense to you - even if you don't find them funny - affirms that these are not fabricated out of thin air just to be mean and offend, but rather they're rooted in the world we live in, and only make sense in the context of the reality we all share.

What's Donald Trump's favorite sushi roll?

my life is falling apart just fucking upvote me

Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

What does sex and basketball have in common?

I'm too short to play


The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.

And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.

Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her spine.

I trembled in shock, I felt her heart, slowly she spread her legs apart.

I knew she was ready... but I didn't know how, for this was my first experience at milking a cow.

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

*Air horn sound*

Second airhorn sound

Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant."

I was talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours.

We just clicked.

How many Mexicans does it take to build a...

Never mind, they're already done, and they paid for it too.

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

If you're an astronaut..

and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed...

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Four hundred miles with Tesla’s autopilot forced me to trust the machine

Four hundred miles with Tesla’s autopilot forced me to trust the machine
The KITT-like auto-cruise and auto-steer are equal parts mesmerizing and disturbing.

May 24, 2016 at 01:43AM
via Digg

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?

The Crimea River

Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?

Because it's unbelievable.

50 of the most offensive jokes

You may have already seen a few, these are my personal favorites:

1_What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

2_My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

3_What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor.

4_Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

5_What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

6_What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

7_What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

8_How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.

9_How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

10_How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

11_Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver's Ed. on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.


13_So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

14_Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause all the trouble.

15_How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.

16_What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

17_So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn't work.

18_How do you kill a redneck? Wait 'till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.

19_What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

20_What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice.

21_How do you fit 4 queers on a barstool? Flip it upside-down.

22_Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free.

23_What happened when the jew walked into the wall with a hard-on? He broke his nose.

24_How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months.

25_How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altarboy.

26_What do you call 40 mexicans buried up to their neck in sand? A spicket fence.

27_How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None,they just sit in the dark and bitch.

28_Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died.

29_What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.

30_What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.

31_How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

32_What is a redneck virgin? A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

33_How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.

34_Girls are like blackjack… I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

35_Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up.

36_Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.

37_How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

38_What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.

39_A Jew, a black, and a Muslim are on a frozen lake, not talking to each other, so I thought I would go over there and break the ice.

40_What's difference between dollars and Jews? I'd give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars.

41_How does a black woman know she is pregnant? When she pulls her tampon out the cotton is already picked.

42_Whats the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman knew how to dodge a bullet.

43_One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life

44_I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

45_What's the difference between a Jew and harry potter? Harry can escape the chamber.

46_What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.

47_Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

48_What's the difference between cancer and Black people? Cancer got Jobs.

49_What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? They both had a downey jr inside of them.

50_What's a word that white people can call white people, but black people can't call black people? Dad.

Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 5, 2016

A frog hops into a bank

and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...

"Who's a Trump fan?"

Not wanting to look stupid for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.

"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.

"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.

"And why are you a Sanders fan?"

"Because mommy and daddy are"

"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked

"A Trump fan"

A sheepdog

.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:

"All 40 accounted for"

"But I only have 36 sheep" says the confused farmer

"Yeah I know" says the sheepdog. "I rounded them up".

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world.

On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!"

The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein "Lets switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein, goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond.

So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.

The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eyes and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

A cop pulls over a 90 year old woman...

He exits his car and walks up to the old woman's window.

"Do you realize how fast you were going?"

"No." She answers, looking forward, making no eye contact.

"Twice the speed limit! Ma'am, can I see your license and registration?"

"I can't give you my license," she answers.

"Why not?"

"I don't have a license"

"What about your registration, ma'am?"

"I can't give you that, either." she responds, still looking forward.

"Well, why not?"

"This isn't my car, I stole it."

Confused now, the cop asks "Do know who owned this vehicle? Where did you steal it from?"

"I got it from the man I killed."

Confusion now turning to caution he asks, "And where is the man you killed?"

"I chopped him up and placed his body in the trunk."

Stunned and worried, the cop places his hand on his holster and cautiously says to the old woman, "Stay in the vehicle with your hands in view." The cop then proceeds to call for back up.

Ten minutes later 5 police cars show up and the cop speaks to his senior officer.

The senior officer walks up to the woman's window with his hand on his firearm and demands: "Ma'am, step out of the vehicle with your hands where I can see them!"

The woman complies without hesitation.

"Ma'am, do you have your license and registration?"

"Sure do! They're right here," she says as she pulls them out of her purse and hands them to the senior officer.

Confused, the senior officer continues, "Ma'am, can you open your trunk for me?"

"Sure I can!" She walks over to the trunk and opens it. There's nothing in there.

The senior officer steps back, perplexed.
After a minute he finally speaks, "Ma'am, I'm confused...My officer told me that you didn't have a license, this car was stolen, AND you had a dead body in the trunk..."

With a scoff she replied, "I bet that liar said I was speeding, too!"

My son just got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off.

I said son, that's the third school this year, maybe teaching isn't for you.

What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in its life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once.

What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."

A Bad Day

A Bad Day

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

If you have any good ones please share :)

A science graduate asks the question why?

A science graduate asks the question why?

An engineering graduate asks the question how?

An arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a nobel prize?

They said he was outstanding in his field

Dumbest kid in the world...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

The obsessive amateur code-breakers hoping to crack the Zodiac killer’s cipher

The obsessive amateur code-breakers hoping to crack the Zodiac killer’s cipher
The Zodiac Killer left behind more than just death, terror, and a horrific legacy. In his wake lies a series of coded messages that may point to his identity.

May 23, 2016 at 03:31AM
via Digg

A beloved UPS man was moving away in his local neighborhood and he was doing his last deliveries...

the first home he went to a red head answered and gave him a card and a hug saying how much he will be missed and the best of luck! He gave her the package then and moved onto the next house. A brunette opened the door and kissed him on the cheek and a card saying he will be missed and the best of luck! The UPS man then gave her the package and went to his last house he had to deliver. A blonde opened the door, grabbed him by the collar and took him to her bed where they had wild sex all night. The next morning, the UPS man was sitting at her table and noticed a card with $5 in it. He asked the blonde what the card and money was for...

She replied, "Oh, that is for you, I told my boyfriend that the UPS guy was moving and all the neighbors are giving him something. So my boyfriend told me, 'Fuck him! Give him a card and $5!'."

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

"I really need a new fuckin boat" I thought to myself.

On a first date:

Her - So what do you do?

Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.

Her - Wow, that's impressive!

Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.

What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Guess My Age

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says, feeling really happy.

After that, she goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with you for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thinks, What the hell and lets him slip his hand down her pants.

Ten minutes later, the old man says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

A blond was pulled over

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's rectangle and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a rectangle mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too."

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 5, 2016

So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an airtight vault for three minutes," says the alien. "It's 3x3x3 meters and completely empty. You'll be given two balls made of a superstrong titanium alloy and no tools. Do something in the vault that will convince us that you're more interesting to us alive than dead, because if you fail to demonstrate your intelligence, we'll dissect you."

First goes the German engineer. After five minutes, the scientist alien walks into the cockpit with a disappointed look on his face.

"So we open the vault and he has managed to balance one ball on top of the other," reports the alien to the captain. "I ask him how, exactly, is this supposed to convince us that humans are an advanced species. Apparently "knowledge of basic physics" and "manual dexterity" are good enough for a human. Meh. We're dissecting him as we speak, bring in the next one."

They put the guru in, five minutes pass and the scientist alien walks into the cockpit even more disappointed.

"So we open the vault and he's sitting there in a lotus position, the two balls floating in the air around him. He even gives me the "Are you impressed?"-look, can you believe that? Apparently, lifting heavy titanium balls is impressive for the human mind. So yeah, they struggle with basic levitation; we're dissecting this one as well. Send in the last one."

The Bulgarian is put in the vault, the vault is sealed. Five minutes pass and the scientist alien bursts into the cockpit, flailing his arms and shouting excitedly at the captain and crew.

"Guys, you need to see this! Come, leave the saucer on autopilot and come! I swear, I have not seen such a thing in my entire career!"

"Calm down, what has he done?" asks the captain.

"It's unbelievable," continues the scientist, "in three minutes inside the vault he has managed to lose one of the balls and break the other."

What do you call a dead body and two planks?

A "Build your own Jesus" kit.

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son

Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!

The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.

The robot slaps the mom...

A kiss makes my whole day

Anal makes my hole weak.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away.

"The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Was cleaning up the PC and found this joke I had on a txt file, thought I'd share it.

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said- 'the food looks delicious, let's eat.'

Wife: ' pray before every meal when eating at home'

Husband: 'that's at home the chef knows how to cook.'

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

The Genie In The Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said: "You have released me from my lamp… This is the eighth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of granting all of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get ONE wish. What's it going to be?"

The man sat and thought about it for a while before finally saying, "I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That’s impossible. Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete and steel that would require! No, think of another wish!" The man said "OK", and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I'm too insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I'd like to know why they’re crying and what they really want from me when they say "nothing". I want to know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

Why does the population of Detroit never change?

Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.

The cheating wife...

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here, hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

Trees seen resting branches while ‘asleep’ for the first time

Trees seen resting branches while ‘asleep’ for the first time
For the first time, trees have been shown to undergo physical changes at night that can be likened to sleep, or at least to day-night cycles that have been observed experimentally in smaller plants.

May 22, 2016 at 12:27AM
via Digg

Why did the Mexican take his Xanax?

For hispanic attacks.


This is my first post, make it good. I want memes

How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car... Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said... "These are your children sir..!"

In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbours two sons.

The Wife in full anger said Don't tell me all these are your children..??

The man asked her calmly... First you tell me why our children are not in the car ??

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?"

I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

I don't like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM.

I'm not a mourning person.

A newbie at work asked me if I knew where the coloured printer was.

I said "It's 2016, Jamal, you can use any printer you want"

A woman asked a general the last time he has had sex...

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general and said "well you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

A Mexican magician says...

...that he'll disappear on the count of three.

"Uno... dos..."


He disappeared without a tres.

Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 5, 2016

some people are like slinkys

They really aren't good for anything but it feels great when you push them down the stairs.

(a little nsfw) Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car...

...when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

Had a trip to the Docs

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said “Can u describe the symptoms?” I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

There was an explosion at a French cheese store

Everywhere you looked, there was a lot of de brie.

I've been dating a homeless woman recently and I think it's getting serious...

She's asked me to move out with her...

They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...

...because they're all in da nile.

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

A vegan buddhist...

...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.

A magicians last trick

A magician stood in front of a crowd. "For this last trick I will make myself appear in 100 different places around this very room" said the magician. The crowd watched in disbelief. "3...2...1...abracadabra". Yet the magician was still there. "Hmm let me try that again 3...2...1...abracadabra". Nothing. The magician starts to panic and checks his handbook for the instructions. "Ah ha!" says the magician. "I wasn't saying the correct magic word". He stands in front of the crowd again and says "3...2...1...ALLAHU AKBAR". Then with a sudden explosion he magically appeared in 100 different places in the room.

Needless to say the crowd was blown away.

Schrodinger's Crush:

Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

Three vampires walk into a bar

The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Credit goes to a friend who found it on tumblr