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Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 9, 2017

[NSFW] Daughter walks in on mother taking a shower...

Daughter: Mom what are those things hanging on your chest?

Mom: They are called boobs..

Daughter: When am I going to get them?

Mom: When you grow up

Later in the day she walks in on dad taking a shower

Daughter: Dad, what is that thing hanging between your legs?

Dad: Its called penis..

Daughter: When am I going to get that?

Dad: You can get it now but don't tell mommy.

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Afghanistan elementary school?

I have no clue, I just fly the drone.

Boss wants to have sex with his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"

She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

There are 2 types of people

  1. Those who are worth mentioning

You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,

You need a rope.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says, "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

A man with a dog walks into a bar.

The dog shits on the floor.

The man didn’t realise, so he ordered a drink and went to sit down with his dog.

A second man enters the bar and slips over on the dog shit. He gets up in shock, staggers over to the bar and orders a drink.

A third man enters the bar and also slips on the dog shit.

The second man turns to him, laughs and says “Haha I just did that!”

Third man smacks him in the face and says “YOU DIRTY FUCKER!”

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and their DNA is all the same.

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

Head Of Air Force Academy Delivers Stirring Speech To Cadets After Racial Slurs Left In Dorms 

Head Of Air Force Academy Delivers Stirring Speech To Cadets After Racial Slurs Left In Dorms 
"If you can't treat someone with dignity and respect, then you need to get out."

September 29, 2017 at 09:23PM
via Digg

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.

To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 9, 2017

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?

Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.

Police 1: Really?

Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk

Police 1: is that everything?

Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment

[Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car]

SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle

[ the man steps out and the police search the car]

SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.

Police 1: but he told me he committed those crimes...

Man: well I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!

I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading

How do you tickle a rich girl?

Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"

The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "

The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"

Then a train hit them

What's Mozart up to these days?


Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

Because he was fingering a minor

Wife: You're shirtless?

(husband nods)

Wife: And covered in...oil?

-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen. You never listen.


Trump Keeps Making Up A Nonexistent 

Trump Keeps Making Up A Nonexistent 
​A somewhat weird development over the last 24 hours has been President Trump's repeated assertion that the Senate can't pass their health care bill because a "senator is in the hospital," which is... not true.

September 28, 2017 at 10:42PM
via Digg

eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?

Sir Cumference

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair

I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 9, 2017

What is Gordon Ramsey’s least favourite movie?

it’s fucking FROZEN

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

My chemistry teacher doesn't allow his students to drink water in his class.

Apparently it reduces their concentration.

A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Just another dad joke

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?


So a man walks into a bar with a gun

He yells “Which one one of you twats nailed my wife ?!” as he cocks his gun.

Someone at the end of the bar suddenly says :

“You don’t have enough bullets mate !”

[NSFW] A guy sees his ex

with her new boyfriend and decides to wind him up.

So he shouts "How's the second hand pussy"

Her boyfriend replies "After the first three inches, it's brand new"

A Stanford psychologist on the art of avoiding assholes

A Stanford psychologist on the art of avoiding assholes
"Not giving a shit takes the wind out of an asshole's sails."

September 27, 2017 at 08:43PM
via Digg

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself.

Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 9, 2017

Light travels faster than sound!

That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is that you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty if you have a confession, now's the time." The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis once and had impure thoughts." St. Peter replied, "That's okay, just wash your eyes out with holy water, and you may enter." The second nun stepped forward. "I touched a man's penis once." "That's okay, Sister," St. Peter replied. "Just wash your hands with holy water, and you may enter." The fourth nun begins to cut in front of the third, and an all-out brawl breaks out between the two. Habits and hair go flying as St. Peter breaks it up. "Sisters, what has gotten into you two?" The fourth nun, brushing herself off, says, "I only wanted to rinse my mouth out before she sticks her ass in that water."

My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I broke his nose with a coconut.

A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement..

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, you still awake?'

Fox News' Shep Smith Slams Trump For Inaccurately Reframing The NFL Protests

Fox News' Shep Smith Slams Trump For Inaccurately Reframing The NFL Protests
Over the years, Shep Smith has been one of the few major Fox News anchors willing to buck the GOP, and he did so again on Monday.

September 27, 2017 at 04:21AM
via Digg

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a clearly underaged girl

Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!"

Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said: "I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."

At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.

"Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task."

The guy accepted the offer and was really happy.

I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me.

But, bad luck... We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.

The woman, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, giving a few strokes on the wall.

Screaming, he asked,

-"What the fuck is this? ... You started painting in my bedroom, and naked?"

-"Fuck you, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!"

-"But naked? ..."

-"You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?"

-"And with a boner, you son of a bitch?"

-"And where am I going to hang the fucking bucket ?! ..."

Btw, english is not my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes.

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

My hot lesbian neighbours got me a Rolex for my birthday

It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did heroin

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 9, 2017

Flat Earthers

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

We, men, do have good memory..

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

A gay couple named Neal and Bob are traveling on a plane

"What if we had sex?" asks Neal.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Neal stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob.

So Neal and Bob have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks?

Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.

Seriously though, fuck geese.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.

Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other.

The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?

The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says,“You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.

Cool, says the second kid.“What are you in here for?“

A circumcision.”

Whoa! exclaims the second kid. Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick,

Especially since his name is Steve.

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says: - Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean? The husband answers: - You'll know it on your birthday. The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

NASA Dedicates Building To Hidden Figures Heroine Katherine Johnson

NASA Dedicates Building To Hidden Figures Heroine Katherine Johnson
When NASA's Langley Research Center built its newest, state-of-the-art research facility in Hampton, Virginia it was only right that they named it after Katherine Johnson, the NASA engineer and subject of the book and Oscar-nominated film "Hidden Figures."

September 25, 2017 at 08:40AM
via Digg

At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: clears throat "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?

After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

A man goes to the store to get some dog food.

He grabs a bag and heads to the the counter. The clerk apologizes, and informs him that he needs to have his dog with him to be able to purchase it.

"You mean I have to go all the way back home and get my dirty ass dog in my truck, and bring him all the way back here just to get some dog food?"

Again, the clerk apologizes and tells him that's just the policy. So, he goes and gets his dog then purchases the dog food.

A few days later, he comes back to get cat food. The clerk informs him they have the same policy for cats.

"Dammit, my barn cat hates people, do I really have to go back home and and get my face and hands all scratched up trying to catch him just so I can get some cat food?"

The clerk again apologies, and says he going to have to do that.

The next day the same man shows up to the store with a bag and puts it on the counter. The clerk asks what it is, and the man tells him to reach in and find out. The clerk puts his hand in, then quickly pulls it back out.


"Yes it is, I would like 6 rolls of toilet paper please."

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 9, 2017

I have Abs

olutely wasted my gym membership.

Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.

"It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.

It's like a report card; it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.


"Because you got an F in sex.

What do you call a threesome in an oasis?

A Mirage à trois.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a child?

A flat minor

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

A pregnant woman is about to give birth.

The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.

Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.

Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.

The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.

With that, the baby pops right back inside.

“Damn!”, says the doctor.

A short while later he sees the head push through again.

“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.

“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.

Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.

The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.

Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.

“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.

The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”

The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”

One day, Einstein has to go to an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

Here's Who Is Taking A Knee Today In Solidarity With NFL Protestors

Here's Who Is Taking A Knee Today In Solidarity With NFL Protestors
More NFL players, owners and celebrities are taking part in the protest against racial injustice led by Colin Kaepernick after a series of inflammatory Trump tweets over the weekend.

September 25, 2017 at 03:22AM
via Digg

The iPhone X removes the home button.

Meaning you'll be homeless on several different levels.

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 9, 2017

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?” “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, same thing happened to me.”

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

If they say girls like guys who can make them laugh,

Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke.

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"

"Yes Master"

"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?"

"Yes Master"

"And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wonder about their purpose in life?"

"Yes Master"

"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless shit instead of practicing!"

An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me.

It's not my fault they don't have Windows.

I went to a pub last night

and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs"

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so"

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field

But when he rounded them up, he had 200

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

First-timer at the nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...

Don't Buy The Idea Teens Are Having Less Sex Until You Take A Closer Look At The Data

Don't Buy The Idea Teens Are Having Less Sex Until You Take A Closer Look At The Data
Think of it this way: when in the history of teens have they had less sex?

September 23, 2017 at 09:30PM
via Digg

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing things at his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat. Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.

It's always been my Achilles elbow

Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 9, 2017

The volume of a pizza with thickness a and radius z is

pi * z * z * a

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.

I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

A 70 year old man went for a sperm test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.

The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand and right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife & daughter tried the same way..but could not open the damn bottle.

If a blind girl ever tells you that

You have a big penis, she's probably just pulling your leg

What is SEX?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today." His father replies, "What happened?" The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'" The father replies, "Well, that's correct." The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'" The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?" The boys says, "That's what I said!"

"God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.

The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died.

Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack.

He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.

He stayed all through lunch and dinner.

Finally after midnight he went home.

He was still alive!

When he got home he appologised to his wife.

"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,

"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him '' Hey Mike , long time no see man '' . The bald guy clearly surprised responds ''I believe you made a mistake sir'' so the guy replies '' I'm so so sorry sir '' and walks away. The two friends laugh and the man gives the 5 bucks to his rather bold friend. After 5 minutes the guy tells his friend again ''10 bucks if I do it again ? '' the friend agrees and so the man goes and smashes the bald guy's head again and says ''Hey mike how have you been man ? '' . The bald guy now clearly irritated tells him '' Hey man listen , i've already told you i'm not Mike '' and the guy responds '' A thousand apologies sir , won't happen again'' and goes back to his friend who is now dying of laughter while the bald guy in the front row switches seats and sits now in the corner. After receiving his money he tells his friend again '' 50 bucks if i do it one last time ? '' so his friend who is dying of curiosity agrees. Once again the man goes down and to the bald guy who is now sitting in the corner and smashes his head while shouting '' Oh come on Mike , you've been sitting here all along and i've been smashing that pour guy's head for 15 minutes ? ''

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: Gets her nothing instead

I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"

A Cop Pulled me over,came up to window and said papers

I said "scissors, I win" and drove off... that fucker must really need a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last 20 minutes

Wives are like grenades.

Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone.

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

The 100 Hardest Video-Game Bosses, Ranked

The 100 Hardest Video-Game Bosses, Ranked
From gods and zombies to a ship and a song, the one trait they share is an ability to end your game swiftly.

September 23, 2017 at 12:16AM
via Digg

My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.

"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"

"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thing."

"Aw Christ, Pete. I'm sorry about that."

"So, pissed off, I found a length of rope and tied her right leg to her stall so she wouldn't kick again and went back to milking her. I had this second pail just over half full when CRASH her left leg jolts and knocks it all over the floor. I'm fuming so I went and found another length of rope and tied her left leg to her stall nice and tight and propped the pail up again. No way to kick it over now, right?"


"Well about a quarter full, her tail whips around the handle of the bucket and sends it flying. So I go stomping around looking for another length of rope but couldn't find anything. I thought, ah, this bitch deserves the belt anyways. So I took off the belt holding up my pants and tied her tail to the crossbeam above her stall."

"Don't tell me she kicked it over again."

"Nah, then my wife walked in."

First rule of Vegan club:

You tell everyone about Vegan club.

News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!

Police think it might be race related..............

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"

A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can

"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 9, 2017

I thought about attending an orgy

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit...

Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before.

I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" To which she responds,

"Didn't feel a thing."

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

Nestlé Makes Billions Bottling Water It Pays Nearly Nothing For

Nestlé Makes Billions Bottling Water It Pays Nearly Nothing For
The company's operation in Michigan reveals how it's dominated the industry by going into economically depressed areas with lax water laws.

September 21, 2017 at 10:27PM
via Digg

Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the gates of heaven where they meet St. Peter who says "you must each answer one question about religion to enter heaven."

St. Peter calls the first nun and asks "who was the first man on Earth?" "Adam" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.

St. Peter asks the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?" "Eve" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.

St. Peter asks the third nun "what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun panics for a second because she doesnt know the answer. "Boy thats a hard one" she nervously replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.

A Wife Gets Naked.....

and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

Don't laugh!

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."

"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 9, 2017

So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie..

Fast10: Your Seatbelts.

What do lawyers wear to court?


I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?


[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"

Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"

I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids

I'm a faux pa.

I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife

Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. My dad beat the crap out of me again.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

So there's this guy...

So there's this guy, and he's got an ant farm, but not like a normal ant farm, it's like a regular farm that's run by ants, and one day the ant in charge of the farmer ants says to the guy 'hey guy, we're workin our thoraxes off tryin to harvest these crops but it's real tough, boss. See they're all the way up in the trees and we're super small, i think we need some bigger ants to help us get the job done.' So the guy's like 'shit i guess i did notice that production's been pretty minimal, i guess i could try to get you some bigger ants. Aren't most of you pretty much all the same size though?' And the ant's all 'yo that's racist.' So they guy's like 'whoa whoa whoa i didn't mean it like that, just relatively in size to a tree. Look i'll go right now to get us some taller ants to help your team.' So the guy goes to the unemployment center in town and asks around for some tall ants but they've all been hired by other farms that can offer health insurance. He tried to recruit some practice squad players in the ant basketball league but couldnt match their salaries. He even tried to convince an ant warden to give him his tallest ants in a prisoner work release program but the warden wanted a percentage of everything sold and one of the tall ant inmates spit on the guy while he was there, so he decided that wouldn't work either. He was walking down the street tired, frustrated, and desperate when he came across a super tall homeless ant holding a 'will work for food' sign. So the guys really excited thinking he's found his solution and explains to the hobo ant that his farmer ants aren't tall enough and the homeless ant starts laughing in his face. "Maaaaan you don't need bigger ants, you need smaller trees!" Said the ant. The guy was shocked at how simple and elegant the hobo ant's solution was, but also furious that he'd spent an entire day looking for tall ants. He decided he needed a drink to ease his mind so he stopped in the nearest bar. So the guy goes to the bartender, "hey barkeep lemme get 4 shots of the strongest booze you got." And the bartender's like "brother i've got some moonshine that'll melt your face off but it's crazy strong, you sure you want 4 shots?" And the guy says, "look man i've had a nightmare of a day, i know my limits, trust me i can handle my shit." So the bartender's like "allright man if you insist" and he lines up four shots of the moonshine and the guy wastes no time and throws em back, one after another, slams down the fourth shot glass, and then immediately projectile vomits all over the bar, including on the bartender. The bartender's fuckin piiiiiiissed and yells "what the fuck man!? You said you could handle your shit!! What is your problem!?!?" And the guy wipes his mouth and says "duuuuude sorry, i thought i hadda hire taller ants."

Jeff Bridges Will Always Be 'The Dude'—And That’s Cool With Him

Jeff Bridges Will Always Be 'The Dude'—And That’s Cool With Him
Jeff Bridges will always be known as The Dude, and at age 67, he's okay with it. More than okay with it, even.

September 20, 2017 at 10:36PM
via Digg

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not.

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 9, 2017

My girlfriend told me I'm bad in bed

I told her she should learn to enjoy the little things in life

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

Deaf sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

Software Has a Serious Supply-Chain Security Problem

Software Has a Serious Supply-Chain Security Problem
Three times in the last three months, hackers have exploited the digital supply chain to plant tainted code that hides in software companies' own systems of installation and updates, hijacking those trusted channels to stealthily spread their malicious code.

September 19, 2017 at 07:59AM
via Digg

I tried to change my password to Beefstew1

But they said it wasn't stroganoff

Talk Like A Pirate Day

How the fuck am I supposed to learn Somali?

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"

Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 9, 2017

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

A girls walks into an Adult Store. "Hi I want to buy that Red Dildo right there"

Cashier: that's a Fire Extinguisher you whore"

A young Jewish girl asks her father for $50...

"$40!!! What the hell do you need $30 for?!?"

I gently slid her panties to the side... I could fit her socks into the drawer

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone he was a vegan.

How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options.

"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space "

Terrible jokes. Only 3 stars

This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up

Here I go again on my own.

Man Who Saved the World From Nuclear Armageddon in 1983 Dies at 77

Man Who Saved the World From Nuclear Armageddon in 1983 Dies at 77
On September 26, 1983, Soviet military officer Stanislav Petrov received a message that five nuclear missiles had been launched by the United States and were heading to Moscow. He didn't launch a retaliatory strike, believing correctly that it was a false alarm.

September 18, 2017 at 07:39PM
via Digg

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they have no eggs, no hatchlings, nothing.

Noah is confused, and the snakes admit that they've had some trouble.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" he asks.

The snakes look at each other, and then turn back to Noah. "If you could cut down that tree over there," says one, "that would help quite a bit."

Noah doesn't quite understand, but cuts down the tree anyway, and leaves to continue his journey. A year later, he goes to check the progress of all the animals. The are more foals, more pups, more cubs, and tons of other baby animals. He gets to the snakes, and sure enough, there are baby snakes everywhere.

Confused, Noah goes to one of the original snakes and asks how cutting down the tree helped.

"We're adders," said the snake. "We need logs to multiply."

I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...

it's to the door to open it for her.

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

Someone asked me how dark my humour is

Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 9, 2017

A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle

He had serious selfie steam issues.

Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

She had a filthy habit

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

I met two guys wearing matching clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated buttplug

But it looks like apple beat me to it. Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes

A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear

Ahh Migraines!

A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest





































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

Trump Shares Doctored Image of His Golf Ball Hitting Hillary Clinton

Trump Shares Doctored Image of His Golf Ball Hitting Hillary Clinton
In a series of eclectic Twitter posts, President Trump also appeared to refer to Kim Jong-Un, North Korea’s leader, as Rocket Man.

September 18, 2017 at 02:16AM
via Digg

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing." The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

What does the L stand for in Samuel L Jackson?


A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket

But I don't think I could pull if off

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says,

"Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

A dad is washing the car with his son.

After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 9, 2017

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt


'What is your message?' I asked.


Fear started flushing over me, 'Why should I be dancing?'


I started to become more confused then frightened now, I needed to get to the bottom of this. 'You're talking gibberish' I shouted!


'God damn it!' I shouted. That old bastard sold me a Bee Gee board!

Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three?

Because they literally can't even.

God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me"

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?” 

God said, “Go down into that valley” 

Adam said, “What’s a valley ?” 

God explained it to him.  Then God said

“Cross the River."

Adam said, “What’s a river ?" 

God explained that to him, and then said, 

“Go over to the hill …” 

Adam said, “What is a hill ?” 

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was

He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave” 

Adam said, ‘What’s a cave ?' 

After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman” 

Adam said, “What’s a woman ?'   So God explained that to him, too

Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce"

Adam said, “How do I do that ?” 

God first said (under His breath), “Geez …” 

And then, just like everything else,  God explained that to Adam as well

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman

In about five minutes, he was back

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it 

Adam said

“What's a Headache ?"

This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

A kid was doing horribly in math class..

He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?" He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."

There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Air Force guy pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

My wife is like gravity

Always there, and constantly bringing me down

I Will Never Forget My Son's First Words

Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?

Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on neatly spread animal skins, and the chief of the tribe would come around with a crude seesaw and balance the wives of one man against those of another in order to determine the relative importance of the men. Now Gog had only one wife, who was very heavy, while Gug had two much slenderer wives, and all year the two men argued as to who was the more important, When weighing day arrived, Gog placed his wife on a large hippopotamus skin, and Gug placed his wives on two small gazelle skins

When the weighing was performed, it was found that Gog’s wife exactly balanced against the two wives of Gug. Thus it turned out that the two men were equally important, since, by the chief’s ruling, “the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.”

I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning.

I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!

Alienation Is Killing Americans and Japanese

Alienation Is Killing Americans and Japanese
Almost a quarter of Japanese men and a tenth of Japanese women over age 60 say there is not a single person they could rely on in difficult times. The American crisis may not be so dissimilar from the Japanese one.

September 16, 2017 at 10:15PM
via Digg

I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a Chicken Sedan..

What can you say about your car, but not your girlfriend?

She died last week, but I still use some of the parts

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 9, 2017

Two Scientists walk into a Bar

One says "I'll have some H20."

The other says "I'll have some H20, too."

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical functional of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

What do you call a communist sniper?

a marxman

A man is late for work, and desperately tries to find a parking space...

His boss has already told him before that if he is late one more time, he'll be fired on the spot.

The man is circling around the parking lot, but still all the spaces are completely full.

Suddenly, the man stops his car, puts his hands together and looks towards the sky.

"Dear Almighty God!" he says, "Please let a space be free! I need this job! I promise if you give me a space, I'll quit smoking, quit drinking and only have sex again once I am married. Please God, help me out..."

Then, when the man looks down, he sees it. A free space, just ahead on his left. It shines in a golden beam of light coming down from the clouds. The man looks up once more and says,

"Actually God, it's alright, I just found a space."

A guy is working at a grocery store...

A guy is working at a grocery store and a lady comes up to him and asks: "Hello young man, can you tell me where the brocolli is?" "Oh I'm sorry madam, we ran out of brocolli, we will have some tomorrow." "Oh okay," says the lady and the guy goes back to his work. Then somebody taps him on his shoulder, he turns around and there's the same lady and she goes: "Sir, i can't find any brocolli." "We are fresh out of brocolli ma'am, we will have some tomorrow." and he goes back to work. And then the woman comes right in front of him and says very loudly: "Where the hell is the brocolli?" And he says: "Madam, how do you spell cat? As is catastrophic." "C-A-T" "Good, good ... and how do you spell dog? As in dogmatic." "D-O-G" "Great, great ... and how do you spell fuck? As in brocolli." "There is no fuck in brocolli." "AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!"

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby. Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Vegans think butchers are gross

But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew

My mum didn't think I’d give our daughter a silly name...

... but I called her Bluff.

You've gotta hand it to short people

Otherwise they can't reach it

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

The Making and Unmaking of Iggy Azalea

The Making and Unmaking of Iggy Azalea
Iggy became a punchline and went from being hailed as a white rap savior — a potential salve in the lineage of bad white rappers — to, three years later, being a digital-era Vanilla Ice, reduced to a viral talking point.

September 16, 2017 at 12:12AM
via Digg

Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef - $6 Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks.

"Yes I am!." She replies with a wink.

"Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."

How do you milk sheep?

With iPhones.

4 million of these people enter our country every year

They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I once spent a month in prison.

I once spent a month in the slammer.

It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped.

On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?"

"I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out."

Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?"

"That's for ending your sentence with a preposition."

I told my Dad he should embrace his mistakes.

He gave me a hug.

Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 9, 2017

What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it.

She sounds just like my wife

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting water resistance

Samsung user: Had that 3 year's ago next

iPhone user: Nothing is better that an iPhone

Samsung user: Your screen is from Samsung you know, it's our technology

iPhone user: What am i paying for then?

Samsung user: A galaxy s6

I once swallowed two pieces of string and an hour later they came out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

I went for a job interview at EA Games today.

The interviewer said to me, “The second part of your resume is missing.”

I said, “For the second part, you have to pay $20.”

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "Give me all your money".

The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money"

My favorite sex position is the WOW

That's when I flip your MOM over.

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

The race against heat

The race against heat
How do you cool 7.5 billion people on a warming planet?

September 14, 2017 at 10:32PM
via Digg

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy". At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin.”

The other day I went to a Paraplegic Strip Club

That place was crawling with pussy.

I was sitting in a bar one day

and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. 

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” 

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” 

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” 

That’s about as far as I remember.

I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked onin amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

My wife said I'm lazy...

I almost told her how wrong she is.

Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 9, 2017

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Cutting your toe off with an axe

I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"

The Promotion

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".

"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

"Indecisive" is my favourite word.

Actually, no it isn't.

I just found out I'm being followed!

My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back.

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth one.”

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A police officer stopped my mom's car.

Officer: First name? Mom: Frida Officer: Last name? Mom: Gomam Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?

And my mom hit the accelerator.

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid,

but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

Wife: You're shirtless?

Me: Yes

Wife: And also covered in.. oil?

Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen! you never listen.

Me: Ohhh

Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's like regular tennis but without the racket.

Spanish Dad Joke

Dad: Son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad

A Hilariously On-The-Nose Parody Of The iPhone X Release

A Hilariously On-The-Nose Parody Of The iPhone X Release
The iPhone X is finally here and it looks fine? Also, that will be $1,000.

September 13, 2017 at 09:15PM
via Digg

How do you start a racist joke?

A small loan of a million dollars

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

My wife is so ugly...

she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

Thứ Tư, 13 tháng 9, 2017

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

The Mob was looking for a new man

The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.

Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the enforcer drags the guy to an interpreter.

He says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the enforcer, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The enforcer pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”

The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

A man walked out to the street

and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

How do you cut Rome in Half?

Use a pair of Caesars

My Girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said "This isn't working. Goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it was working fine wtf

Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because to tennis players, love means nothing.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Just The Good Stuff From Tuesday's iPhone Event

Just The Good Stuff From Tuesday's iPhone Event
A new Apple Watch, Apple TV in 4K, iPhone 8 and iPhone X — here's everything that happened at Tuesday's Apple press event.

September 13, 2017 at 06:50AM
via Digg

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

What's the best pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in."

Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

Edit: I hope September 12 was an appropriate time for this.

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.

"I bet I can do something you can't" he says.

"Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots.

"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says

"We didn't see anything, you liar"

"You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump"

The Man the Presidency Changed

The Man the Presidency Changed
Chester Alan Arthur was a wealthy New Yorker, disparaged by big-city intellectuals as unqualified, unfit and corrupt. Fellow Republicans were shocked when he landed on the threshold of the highest office in the land. And Trump might be able to learn a thing or two from the 21st president.

September 12, 2017 at 08:26AM
via Digg

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates....

.....St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

I was at a disco last night

They played the twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. So I jumped.

They played come on eileen. I got kicked out.

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

... First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

You can't spell Advertisements...

...without semen between the Tits.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Thứ Ba, 12 tháng 9, 2017

A dumb guy visits a hunting club and asks a hunter how he killed his first buck.

The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the buck. The dumb guy, satisfied with the answer, soon leaves.

The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and asks how he shot his first rabbit. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the rabbit. The dumb guy leaves the hunting club.

The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and, still curious, asks how he shot his first bear. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the bear. The dumb guy leaves looking energetic and inspired!

Weeks passed without any sight of the dumb guy and the hunter, worried about his dumb friend, decides to look into it. He finds that the dumb guy is being held at the local hospital in intensive care so the hunter goes to visit.

The hunter enters the hospital room and sees the dumb guy in what seems to be a full body cast, with machines everywhere to help him breathe, eat, and ultimately stay alive. Surprised, he asked the dumb guy what happened!

The dumb guy musters all his strength to lift his head toward the hunter and in small gasps he tells the hunter his story.

"I got my gun..." "I went into the woods..." "I followed the tracks..." "And was hit by a train."

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

How do you get an apple pregnant?

You cum in cider.

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly 100$ each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sent to meet the manager.

The manager : so tell me , how do you get 100$ a day ?

The boy : well, everyday i have a bet with a different guy.

The manager : about what ?

The boy : about the fact that i can kiss my right eye !

Then the manager replies : haha no way…

The boy : we can bet if you really want to…

the manager was confident and gave his consentmenet to the boy… few seconds later the boy takes off his ocular prosthesis and kiss it.

the manager felt so stupid that he asked the young boy to give him back his 100$. The boy agreed to give it back but under one condition.

The boy : Let's have another bet… i'm pretty sure that you are wearin red girly panties, i'f 'im wrong i will give you back your 100$ plus another 100$ for this bet.

The manager is feeling over confident cause he knows that he isnt wearing this kind of panties and said yes.

Then the boy said again: but before you get undressed we need to have 10 eyewitnesses to make it legit.

The manager was ok about it and called all his staff. After taking off his pants, the manager felt happy cause he just won 100$, but he then notice that the young boy was so happy about loosing his money that he asked him.

How can you be so happy about loosing your money?

The boy replied : well i had a bet with your staff about how many minutes i'll need to make you take off your pants... and guess who won ?!

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

In the beginning, there was nothing...

Then God says "let there be light". Now there was still nothing, but at least you can see it.

How long is a Chinese name

No really it is

My wife was wondering why she was so itchy

I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"

Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they're not-z's.

Farewell to the Greatest Space Mission of Our Time

Farewell to the Greatest Space Mission of Our Time
The Cassini spacecraft spent 13 years orbiting Saturn. It revealed the planet and its rings in striking detail, found liquid around every corner, and invigorated the idea that alien life not only exists, but could be right on our doorstep.

September 11, 2017 at 09:16PM
via Digg

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the wreck of the Windbreaker, from the bottom of the stormy North Sea." "Right away, Father." said the eldest son, departing at once, determined to become king.

Then to his middle son, Nimble and Self-righteous, "You are to retrieve your great grandfather's shield, bearing our coat of arms, from the deadly jungles of India, lost at the site of a battle since forgotten." "I shall do so at once, Father." said the middle son, and so he too departed at once.

Then he beckoned for his youngest son, a young man Intelligent, but meek next to his older siblings, to approach. "Yes, Father?" The son inquired. To which the King replies, "Bring me a coke, I never liked those assholes."

My girlfriend accidentally discovered a way to get long lashes instantly

By showing a bit of ankles in Saudi Arabia

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have" The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".

Accidentally sent someone flowers over the internet

Whoops e-daisies

Science built skyscrapers and airplanes

But only religion can bring the two together.

Thứ Hai, 11 tháng 9, 2017

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

Because he's afraid they'll double-cross him

Dating women is like squaring numbers

If they're under 15, just do them in your head.

My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

What washes up on small beaches?


What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

A tired american soldier is on a train to london

The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her "may I please have that seat", the woman replied "you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the woman and her dog again. He asks again "may I please have that seat". The woman replies again "not only are you Americans ruda but also arrogant". The man picked up the dog and threw him out the train window. The woman screamed and yelped for help and justice as a man from the other side of the cart yelled "It's true you Americans do everything wrong, you eat with the wrong fork, you drive on the wrong side of the road and now you threw the wrong bitch out of the window".

Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Student: I is the...

Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Fox News Anchor

Fox News Anchor
Granted, Irma certainly won't leave Florida unscathed, but this interviewee wasn't about to give a punchy cable news soundbite. He's been doing his research.

September 11, 2017 at 01:40AM
via Digg

What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:

  1. Nice shirt.

  2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

  3. OK, first shirt again.

  4. He has two shirts

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

How did Rhianna find out that Chris Brown was cheating?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left.

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

Chủ Nhật, 10 tháng 9, 2017

Dunno what this WiFi dude did

But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately