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Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 4, 2017

Did you hear about the chemist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88". The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign... [NSFW]

It reads: Toasted Sandwiches- $2, Handjobs- $5.

He approaches the bar and sees a stunning large breasted, tight waisted blonde goddess serving.

He asks her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She leans towards him, resting her breasts on the bar and says, "Why, yes I am." With a wink.

To which he replies: "Well go and wash your fucking hands before you make my sandwich!"

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video… He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

Trump should build that wall out of Hillary's emails

since it seems no one can get over them.

What do you call an IT teacher who has sex with his students?

A PDF File

The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

I can sympathise with batteries.

I am never included in anything either

Do you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

At least the outlaws are wanted by someone.

Credit: My father.

Fyre Festival, A Luxury Music Weekend, Crumbles In The Bahamas

Fyre Festival, A Luxury Music Weekend, Crumbles In The Bahamas
A high-end event founded by Ja Rule and the entrepreneur Billy McFarland was supposed to feature shows and yachts. Attendees found chaos instead.

April 29, 2017 at 09:21PM
via Digg

Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?

They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.

Damn girl are you a math book?

Because you have a lot of fucking problems I don't want to deal with.

Two Arab guys get on a plane.

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said,

“That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?”

The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

“I remember that too,” she replied softly…

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 4, 2017

Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Turns out to be spam

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:

I will find you. You have my Word.

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Two older couple were having breakfast

old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

old man 2: What's it's name?

old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

old man 2: Carnation?

old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

old man 2: Rose?

old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike. She said "I bet we couldn't understand them" I said "why do you think that?" She said "because they probably only bark" She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

My wife left me because I'm insecure

Oh wait, she was just getting a cup of coffee

I told a guy talking on the phone in the library to shut the fuck up

As a result, everyone in the library started to applaud me so I turned and told them all to shut the fuck up too.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face.

Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...


With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out lf chocolate." The boy seems unfazed by this, and looks at the flavors again, taking even longer, then he says... "I'll have chocolate!" The employee raises an eyebrow and says "I told you, we're all out of Chocolate." The child looks kver the list again, and declares "Chocolate." To which the employee responds, "We're out of Chocolate."

They go through this about five more times, until the employee speaks up. "Say, you're a smart lad, can you spell the 'Straw' in Strawberry?" He spells it out.

"Very good! Now, can you spell the 'Van' in vanilla?" He spells it out.

"Now, can you spell the 'Fuck' in chocolate?"

The child looks confused, and after taking a moment to think states... "There is no 'Fuck' in chocolate."

The employee says "That's right. There's no fuckin' chocolate."

A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That's ridiculous; an iceberg sunk the titanic!". The Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Silverberg, you're all the same".

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Edit: guys it's a joke not a dick don't take it so hard

I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse

Donald Trumps ask the Queen of England for Tips

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you could give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.

It's Sarah Palin!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

Luxury Music Festival In The Bahamas Descends Into Rich Person Chaos

Luxury Music Festival In The Bahamas Descends Into Rich Person Chaos
Fyre Festival was supposed to be a new level of music festival — top performers on a private island in the Bahamas, with fancy accommodations and great food. Things haven't worked out that way so far.

April 29, 2017 at 03:34AM
via Digg

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone!

Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 4, 2017

Why wasn't jesus born in texas?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

Suicide Bombing Instructor

What were the suicide bombing instructor's last words?

"Now I'm only going to show you this once!"

I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year.

I don't like to interrupt her.

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

Retail store. I know I'm lame.

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

I stopped abruptly and rolled over to my side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

I whispered back, "I found the remote."

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift.

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door to see a quadriplegic man sitting in a wheelchair. He smiles at her and claims to be the right man for her. a bit skeptical, she asks the man how could he possibly be the man she is looking for? The man says, "Look I have no arms, so I promise I will never hit you; and I also have no legs, so I promise I will never walk out on you." The woman, agreeing but not quite satisfied, asks “well how do I know you’ll be good in bed?" And the man smiles and replies, "how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?

Because the sign says "No Trespassing"

It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu." The second guy just sat there stunned. He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration stuck. "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent. They being three, and we being two, I bucked one Tim bucked two."

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine

Woman: What's your job?

Man: I empty dishwashers

Woman: So you're like a maid?

Man: No, I deliver babies

A Man Coming Home from the Bar

James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor.

He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open.

James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the floor with every pull.

As he rounds the corner to his apartment, James pulls himself up to the door knob, inserts the key and twist it and the door open. As much expected, James collapses to the floor, unable to support himself in this drunken state.

James finally makes it up the stairs to the room where his wife is soundly sleeping. He wrestles with himself while removing his clothes, attempting to be as quiet as possible.

James decides that he cannot make it into the shower to clean himself off, and he pulls himself up into bed.

Unsuccessfully, James awoke his wife on his way into bed. She stared at him angrily and said, "You were out at the bar again, weren't you?"

"No," said James, trying to sound inconspicuous. "I was out at the movies with a some buddies."

"Don't lie to me." Said his wife. "The bar called and they said you left your wheelchair there."

The Myth of a Superhuman AI – Backchannel

The Myth of a Superhuman AI – Backchannel
Why hyper-intelligent algorithms are not going to take over the world.

April 27, 2017 at 09:10AM
via Digg

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend...

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far.".

Do not touch...

Must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille!

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 4, 2017

My neighbours are listening to great music,

Whether they like it or not.

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

A woman has twins...

and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

My new girlfriend works at the zoo…

I think she's a keeper…

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta

What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?

I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.

Did you know if you rearrange the letters in "THE POST OFFICE"

Nobody gets their mail.

Thanks student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I can ever pay you back.

What's the difference between the USA and a bird?

On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.

If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.77

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village. 2 minutes later, he returns with his face covered in blood.

"What happened?!" the other two Vampires ask.

"You know that village by the woods?" the youngest Vampire explained. "I flew down there, killed and drank the blood of an entire family, and flew back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive!" shouted the second vampire. "But you're 1000 years too young to be faster than I!" and he burst threw the same window as the first, headed to the village. 1 minute later, the second vampire returned to the room through the window, his face a mask of blood.

"What happened?" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"That same village you went too? Many villagers gathered around the house you attacked to see what had happened. I managed to kill and drink the blood of five whole families and get back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive...." said the eldest vampire quietly. "But you are also 1000 years too young to be faster than I. I AM THE STRONGEST and FASTEST vampire alive!" and in a flash, the eldest vampire was through the window. 15 seconds later, the eldest returned to the room, his face drenched in blood.

"What happened?!" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"Did you see that tree the villagers planted years ago at the front of their village?"

"Of course." said the other two vampires.

"Well, I did not."

How does Caitlyn Jenner like her penises?


Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(

I saw a talking muslim doll in the toy store

I asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.

"Dunno" he said. "Nobody dared to pull the cord so far."

What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole

What Bullets Do to Bodies

What Bullets Do to Bodies
How would the gun debate change if Americans witnessed the horrors that trauma surgeons confront everyday?

April 26, 2017 at 11:48PM
via Digg

I was called the worst best man once

I was speechless.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals.

It makes them soggy and hard to light.

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

April showers bring May flowers

What do Mayflowers bring?


I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by…

Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.

Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 4, 2017

Where do Muslims go after they die?


Marriage in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.

While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted,

"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"

A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

Two Italian men get on a bus!

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

There was once a man named Odd.

People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

The FBI had an opening for an assasin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.

What I if told you...

... you read the first line wrong?

I caught my wife on a porn site this morning

I'll have to ask her about it when she gets home

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

Everything You Need to Know About Ejecting From a Fighter Jet

Everything You Need to Know About Ejecting From a Fighter Jet
You better tuck in your knees and elbows, because if anything hits the side of the cockpit on the way out, it's coming off.

April 25, 2017 at 11:35PM
via Digg

The Gorilla and the King of the Jungle

The gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion sinking in a pool of quicksand.

"Save me, gorilla!" Shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"

The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.

When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, and ran for his life.

The lion was furious and gave chase. The gorilla had to die before anybody could find out what happened.

After time the gorilla could run no more and the lion was gaining on him. He quickly sat down on a log, crossed his legs, and opened a newspaper to cover his face.

A split second later, there was the lion.

"Excuse me, sir, did you happen to see a gorilla run by?"

The gorilla couldn't help himself.

"Oh, you mean the one that ass fucked the king of the jungle?"

"Oh God!" Roared the lion "It's in the paper ALREADY?!"

Why don't hillbillies ever try reverse cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

My daughter came home today and said "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."

"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."

"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"

"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 4, 2017

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you know how to fish."

Three things that never lie.....

Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants

Two blondes fall down a well

One says to the other ones, "isn't it dark down here" she replies, I don't know I can't see

In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

I was attacked by a gang of mimes yesterday...

They did unspeakable things to me...

A man goes to the doctor..

After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."

"The first is that you have cancer."

Guy goes "Well shit. What's the other bad news?"

Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."

Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Larry the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"

What's the difference between America and cheese?

If left for a while, cheese develops culture.

A limbo contestant walks into a bar

He is immediately disqualified

Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

What does 80 year old vagina taste like?


A man receives a phone call from his doctor.....

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

3d-printers are now making guns.

Pffft, that's nothing!

I've had a Canon printer for years.

I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..

With me crying and the people around me celebrating.

A Dying Man's Lost Recipe Made His Daughter a Multimillionaire

A Dying Man's Lost Recipe Made His Daughter a Multimillionaire
A handwritten memo detailed how to cook a seemingly simple dish.

April 24, 2017 at 08:43PM
via Digg

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it....

We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

I was at a restaurant....

and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed except for this one guy.

I don't always tell dad jokes...

...but when I do, he laughs.

If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks."

Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor

Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 4, 2017

Why was the mime arrested?

He committed an unspeakable crime

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park...

but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

What do you call an emo accapella group?

Self harmony.

I'm afraid to die alone.

So I became I bus driver.

A priest goes golfing with his friend

A priest goes golfing with his friend.

His friend is not a very good golfer and always misses the hole by just a bit. Every time this happens he gets very upset and says:

"Goddammit, such a close miss!"

This goes on for a while before the priest finally tells his friend:

"Listen, I'm a man of god and I can't stand you swearing on his name all the time - if you swear like this one more time, god will open the sky and you will be struck by lightning."

At the next hole, the priests friend misses again and screams again:

"Goddammit, such a close miss!"

Not a second after the sentence was completed, the sky opens and the priest gets struck by lightning. He is dead on the spot.

There is a short silence before a deep voice comes from the sky and says:

"Goddammit, such a close miss!"

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested you or you're level 99 friend-zoned.

Or she hasn't spotted you behind the tree yet.

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me

It means a lot.

I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite…

I ended up picking 7 Up…

I'm ok with marijuana, and smoking and even heroin

But cocaine is where I draw the line!

The word queue does't have 4 silent letters...

They are just waiting their turn.

My favorite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

My wife doesn't know it,

but every time we have sex I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.

So far she's getting a McChicken

They say pineapple juice can make your cum taste better

but for me it just ruins the pineapple juice

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3 [NSFW]

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4. I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: O MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!!..

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this BLOODY boy to the university... Even I myself got all the answers wrong!"

[NSFW] Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

How Trump Succeeds Without Succeeding

How Trump Succeeds Without Succeeding
He has made a career of convincing people that his failures were the exact opposite. Can he pull it off again?

April 23, 2017 at 10:48PM
via Digg

After a long day, I like to lie down on my bed, look up at the stars and think to myself:

Where the fuck has the roof gone?

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooooooooo!

Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 4, 2017

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".

He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".

When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said

"you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

Why is "Dick" short for Richard?


Introducing "All the children" jokes

Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limericks, but less strict. All jokes follow this pattern in some way:

"All the children do x, except [name] because he/she does y."

Where y rhymes with the name. You can experiment with tense and phrasing as you like. The point is to make y as unexpected and comical in relation to x as possible. Of course, there is also the game of making these jokes as dirty and morbid as possible.

Some examples:

All the children were planned, except Jake.

His parents made a mistake.

All the children were tired, except Jane.

She had cocaine.

All the children stared into the microwave, except Jack.

He stared back.

All the children were swimming, except Joe.

His lungs were full of H2O.

All the children are loved by their parents, except Dale.

He is for sale.

All the children died in the school shooting, except Tim.

They'll regret not respecting him.

All the children were cannibals, except Lucy.

She was juicy.

All the children killed a terrorist, except Belle.

She killed an infidel.

All the children crossed the road, except Neil.

He was hit by an Oldsmobile.

All the children can handle explosives, except Grace.

She is all over the place.

Keep them coming...

Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.

Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.

So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.

Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

My mate’s wife rang me today asking if I’d seen him

My mate’s wife rang me today asking if I’d seen him.

“Not since yesterday.” I answered.

“I knew he was lying!” she screamed, “He told me that he was at your house all night.”

“Erm… he… has,” I replied.

“Don’t stick up for him! You just said that you hadn’t seen him since yesterday.”

“Yes, well…” I paused, “…We’ve been playing hide and seek.”

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome...

Which is why I'm handsome.

I took a job at a zoo performing elephant circumcisions

The benefits aren't great, but the tips are huge.

What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors.

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eight plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

My girlfriend and I laugh at how competitive we are.

but I laugh more.

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated capitalism

Is sex a joke?

Because I don't get it.

"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still drive my 2002 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

Historians Say The March For Science Is 'Pretty Unprecedented'

Historians Say The March For Science Is 'Pretty Unprecedented'
Tens of thousands of scientists and their allies are expected to demonstrate in Washington, D.C., on Saturday, with hundreds of additional satellite marches planned to boot.

April 22, 2017 at 10:32PM
via Digg

Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science!

Me: Don't you mean history?

Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

A man goes to get his passport renewed...

He goes to the counter and is jotting down his personal information.

"Alright sir, can I have your full name please?"

"Pepepeter Bbbbbbbbryant"

"Excuse me, sir, are you a stutterer? "

"No, ma'am, my father was a stutterer, and the guy who made my birth certificate, an asshole".

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

A guy walks into a diner on the side of the road

The place is really old and messy, but he was hungry from the road so he sat at the table and ordered spaghetti with meatballs.

After a while the waitress gives him the order, and he saw a bunch of thick hairs on some of the meatballs.

He calls the waitress "Hey miss, there are a bunch of hairs in my food, I know it's not supposed to be the cleanest place but what the hell?!"

The waitress apologizes, "I'm sorry sir, it's just that our chef is a vet who lost his arm in Afghanistan, he's a great cook and very creative so we let him work here, but since he only has one arm he has to shape them on his chest, and probably hairs that poke out stick to them."

Suddenly a dude who sat nearly says:"If that's your chef's creativity then please cancel my order of donuts, I'm scared of how he makes the holes."

Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 4, 2017

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant." "I'm not mad, just disappointed." "Hi disappointed, I'm dad." "Did you jus..." "Yes." "You're ready." "I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

Ye Olde Jack And Jill

Jack and Jill, Went up the hill, So Jack could see Jill's fanny, But Jack got a shock, And an eye full of cock, Because Jill was a closet tranny.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail…

But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

I went to a restaurant.

Every table was occupied with couples, there was no seat vacant. I took out my phone and said loudly "Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."

9 girls left their seats for me.

A wife gets naked...

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.

A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary. The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!" The husband says...

"I know. That's why I'm doing it to her."

Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife...

Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

Plastc Took $9 Million In Preorders For A Smart, All-In-One Credit Card Then Went Bankrupt

Plastc Took $9 Million In Preorders For A Smart, All-In-One Credit Card Then Went Bankrupt
Here's a look back on the promising rise, troubled growth, and inglorious fall of Plastc.

April 22, 2017 at 12:31AM
via Digg

What do Japanese men do when they have erections?


Oxygen and potassium went on a date... went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt a little sour after it.

Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.

They had a basic night out.

Sodium and chlorine went on a date.

There was assault.

Potassium and water went on a date.

It was lit.

Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 4, 2017

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "why are you eating Grass?"

He said "I'm very hungry"

"Oh. Okay then. Come with me"

You should've seen the look on his face when I showed him my backyard.

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?


Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because


Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

Whatever you do, always give it your 100%.

Unless you are donating blood.

We used to have empires ruled by emperors and we used to have kingdoms ruled by kings…

Now we have countries…

During meditation, a monk asks his master...

"Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?"

His master thought for a moment and replied:

"A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor."

If I had a quarter for every time someone called me racist..

Black people would rob me.

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

My wife said she'd like to have another baby.

I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe".

Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

And the girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

[Long] The population of this country is 300 million.

60 million are retired.

That leaves 240 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school.

Which leaves 145 million to do the work.

Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.

Leaving 123 million to do the work.

61 million are disabled.

Leaving 62 million to do the work.

15 million are collecting unemployment.

Leaving 47 million to do the work.

40 million are of working age, but not working and not actively looking for work.

Leaving 7 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

Which leaves 4.2 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 900,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 3,300,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 3,299,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

reading jokes..

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?

Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife...

But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman...

The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

The unbearable wrongness of Gwyneth Paltrow

The unbearable wrongness of Gwyneth Paltrow
What's at the heart of Paltrow's empire? Is she just a dedicated health-seeker taking us on her path for utmost physical and spiritual well-being? No. Paltrow's Goop is pure, unadulterated, blood-diamond free, organic-certified, biodynamic, moon-dusted bullshit.

April 20, 2017 at 10:49PM
via Digg

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

4/20 is my favorite day to skip work, grab a pipe, head down to the park, and

beat the shit out of hippies.

What would Hitler say if he was a race car driver?

Step on the gas and finish the race

Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 4, 2017

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

So today is 4/20

4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.

The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

Everything's bigger in Texas

A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman gives him a drink. The Texan looks at the drink and commenting on how small it is, he says that they are 10 times bigger in Texas. In the interest of good relations, the barman gives him another 9 drinks free of charge. Later the Texan comes up and orders a bag of peanuts. When given the small bag, he again comments on the size of it, and the barman again gives him 9 free. The Texan is pleased with the service he got and notes some positive feedback on a card as he leaves.

A few weeks later, in recognition of his good deeds, the barman is given a special award for his services to local tourism. He is given a monetary prize. With his prizemoney, he books a holiday in Texas. He walks into the hotel bar and orders a drink. To his surprise the barman puts up a huge drink in front of him. He then orders some nuts and is given a huge packet. Looking around at the massive bar and thinking about all he has seen he concludes that his own customer was right and that everything is bigger in Texas. After eventually finishing his drink he staggers up to the bar and asks where the toilets are. The barman points to a door and says that he should go through it and he'll find them near the end of the corridor.

He heads towards the door and opens it and walks down the corridor. There are two doors at the end, one to the toilets and one to the hotel swimming pool. In his drunken state, he goes through the wrong door and falls into the swimming pool. He starts to scream. Hearing the commotion, a moment later the hotel barman runs through the door and stands at the edge of the pool. The guest looks up at him in horror and screams "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

Why does the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

Science builds planes and skyscrapers

but faith brings them together.

I wonder...

I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented. I asked my 26 siblings for advice.

What do you call a bee from America?


Husband takes his wife to a disco.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."

Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day

I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time

A bus driver and a priest died and went to heaven

St. Peter greeted them both and led them to their new homes in heaven. They went to the bus driver's home first, and saw a large mansion. When the priest saw this, he was very excited because he was sure that he'd get a grander house, because clearly, he had done me good in his life than the bus driver. However, when they reached his new home, all he saw a small cabin. He asked St. Peter, "why is my house smaller than the bus driver's? I have served God all my life!" St. Peter responded, "well, the way you were preaching, everyone was sleeping. But the way the bus driver was driving, everyone was praying!"

Sorry if this was reposted. Haven't seen it on Reddit yet and thought I'd share it :)

Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."

The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?"

The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!"

As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?"

The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big.

"6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"

Our Machines Now Have Knowledge We’ll Never Understand

Our Machines Now Have Knowledge We’ll Never Understand
Artificial intelligence is making the limits of human knowledge painfully obvious.

April 19, 2017 at 07:28PM
via Digg

Today someone called my clothes 'gay'

"Yeah!" I replied. "They came out of the closet this morning actually!"

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.

An Italian boy's confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I cant tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, Im sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"Ill never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 4, 2017

So, two deer walk out of a gay bar................

One of them turns to the other and says "Man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there".

-------Job Interview----------

Interviewer:What are your strengths?

Me: I fall in love easily.

Interviewer: Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?

Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

At any given moment the urge to sing Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim-away...

...a whim-away,a whim-away,a whim-away...

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded.

What do you call a person without a son?


So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef.

The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ' Mum, you still awake?'

If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician." Edit: apparently people don't like the fuck. Too fucking late.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me".

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours".

Girl: "Come Over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

5 out of 6 scientists say…

…that Russian roulette is safe.

Hey, check out my foreskin.


My math teacher said I was average...

How mean.

How Climate Change Might Kill Us: Kidney Disease

How Climate Change Might Kill Us: Kidney Disease
A mysterious kidney disease is striking down laborers across the world and climate change is making it worse.

April 18, 2017 at 07:56PM
via Digg

One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret drawer has popped open on her mother’s bed.

Inside, was a very well presented box containing the most magnificent looking dildo she’d ever seen with instructions reading, “The Great magic dildo. To use it, just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to pleasure you. USE WITH CAUTION!”

"What have I got to lose, I need cheering up” the girl thinks. So, she lays down on her bed and says "Great Magic Dildo, vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her, making her cum harder than ever before.

Feeling majestic and much happier, the girl lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when suddenly, her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo… what are you holding??"

"It’s a Great Magic Dildo"

Laughing, he says "Yeah right, great magic dildo my ass."

Elderly man goes to the doctor to collect his wife's reports...

Doctor: Unfortunately we have mixed up her reports with someone else. so she either has AIDS or alzheimer's.

Distraught old man: oh my god doctor! what should i do??

Doctor: (thinks for a sec) drop her to the edge of the city and if she makes it back don't fuck her

Why do police officers wear blue?

Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

What's white and doesn't work?

The reddit search bar.

What do Little Miss Muffet and ISIS have in common?

They both have Kurds in their way

Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 4, 2017

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...

While they were working one day, John falls off the derrick (the rig tower) and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie replied, "I'll do it. I'm good with this sensitive stuff."  

Two hours later Donnie arrives with a six-pack of Budweiser beer. Lonnie asked him, "Where'd you get the six-pack?" Donnie told him John's wife gave it to him. Lonnie replies, flabbergasted, "Unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"  

Donnie said, "Not exactly, Lonnie. When she answered the door, I asked her 'You must be John's widow'. She says, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'"  

"And then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser that you are.'"

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

What's the leading cause of dry skin

...towels Credits:dads

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news? Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to

sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome

to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees Donald Trump. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Trump looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, Donald."

A student visits the principal’s office one day.

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

United Employees Can No Longer Displace Boarded Passengers

United Employees Can No Longer Displace Boarded Passengers
It’s one of the most obviously-needed corporate policy changes in history, but the damage to the company may already be done.

April 17, 2017 at 08:16AM
via Digg

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen.

Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen. When the monk reeling it in got it on shore he was so overwhelmed with excitement he yelled "look at the size of that son-of-a-bitch!"

Aghast, the second monk looked at him with disgust. The monk thought quickly and said, "oh. Um. That's the name of this type of fish. It's actually a son-of-a-bitch fish."

Oh. Nodded the other monk. Well I guess I will take this son-of-a-bitch to the kitchen. He took the fish to the kitchen and said to the cook "will you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?" The cook's jaw dropped and the monk said "Oh don't worry, that's just the name of the fish. It's a son-of-a-bitch fish."

Satisfied with the explanation, he fileted and cooked the fish beautifully. Later that day, the cardinal of the monastery came to him and said "I have news. The pope is coming for dinner tonight."

"Oh!" said the cook. "Well I am preparing a delicious son-of-a-bitch for dinner, and yes, that's the name of the fish." The cardinal was puzzled and said "well ok then. See you tonight."

The pope arrived to a beautiful dinner. He asked the cardinal to pray over the meal. The cardinal prayed, "Dear Lord, thank you for allowing us to catch this son-of-a-bitch, prepare and cook this son-of-a-bitch, and allow us to serve this delicious son-of-a-bitch to the pope. Amen."

The Pope was wide eyed at the end of the prayer. He calmly pulled his hat off his head and set it on the table. He looks up and says, "I used to think you guys were lame, but you mother fuckers are all right!"

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

A wife is like a hand grenade

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house

Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift…

But I couldn't find a manual…

The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land. The king devised a test. his engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors. On the day of reckoning hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin. The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd. "Men. I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter's hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will..." Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement. Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water the warrior emerged. As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire. The warrior was halfway through the pit when lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands. A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head. Finally, at long last, the giant fell. The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess' hand in his. "I am truly amazed" exclaimed the king. "You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal" said the king. "Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter's hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?" "Yes." He replied. "Your highness, I want you to bring me the motherfucker that pushed me in."

Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 4, 2017

The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor". "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel

The realist sees a train approaching

The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls......

No survivors.

Instantly they are in heaven waiting to enter the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Abigail, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's long range missiles.

There are three things I hate:

Racists, niggers, and hypocrites.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.

"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.

"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she fluttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.

"Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello," said the ugly fat man said, "my name is Cess!"

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house.

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

Early Macintosh Emulation Comes to the Archive

Early Macintosh Emulation Comes to the Archive
The Internet Archive can now emulate the early models of the Apple Macintosh, the black-and-white, mouse driven computer that radically shifted the future of home computing in 1984.

April 16, 2017 at 10:48PM
via Digg

The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye Chief!”

“Now that we've got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …..”

I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention.

It'll be as big as the last two put together.

Never date a tennis player.

To them love means nothing.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

Chủ Nhật, 16 tháng 4, 2017

Why did North Korea's missile fail?

It had projectile disfunction.

Ebay needs to step their game up.

I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

Had my girlfriend wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for roleplay

She got my name wrong during sex

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from voice recognition software to sleight of hand, were thrown around.

But time and time again, the man would insist that no, it was simply a sentient calculator.

Now, at first, the people simply figured that the man didn't want to reveal his trick and left it at that. But time passed, and throughout the years, the man would show his sentient calculator again and again, and even tried to get it submitted into a technology competition. The judges laughed it out, but the man kept on going on about his sentient calculator.

After a while, people began to think he was crazy. That didn't bother him any, since his family loved him and he had his sentient calculator.

His wife, who knew him best, simply thought that this was her beloved husbands one eccentricity, and paid it no mind. She was - like everybody - slightly concerned about how much attention the man gave to the calculator, but he loved their children and was a good father and a husband, so she let it go.

Then, one night when they were lying in bed together, the man began to talk seriously about how they needed to get the calculator wider recognition. After all, he said, a sentient calculator simply can't be left to rot in the suburbs!

At first, the wife ignored this, as she had everything else about the calculator, but night after night, when they were alone, and with every indication of seriousness, the man spoke about the calculator. For a couple of weeks, the wife tried her best to ignore the man. She figured this was some sort of long joke, and waited patiently for the punchline.

It never came. What did come was more and more talk about the calculator, until finally she'd had enough. In no uncertain terms, she told the man that if he did not stop talking about the calculator, she would go to the local hospital and book him an appointment with a psychiatrist.

The man wasn't deterred. He turned to his best friend, who likewise ignored him. He went to his parents, who likewise ignored him. He spoke to professors at the local university - they all ignored him. He tried every single public official, every scientific institute, even some pseudoscientific groups; all ignored him. He was feeling blue - after all, if he couldn't get people who believed in UFOs to listen to him, who would?

He returned home, only to find that his wife had taken the children and left. Furthermore, the note on the kitchen table said she'd called the police to force him to go to the psychiatrist - and as if on cue, he heard the sirens.

Acting quickly, he ran up to the bedroom and took his shotgun out of the gun safe. Then, he ran to barricade all the doors and windows, and took up position in the second floor. From there, he could see only one squad car - but as soon as they spotted the barricades and the man peering down with a shotgun, they quickly left to call backup.

Soon enough, what seemed to be the entirety of the city's police force was at his doorstep. The man pondered his options: if he were to run, they would catch him, and there was no way for him to fight them off. Sadly, he realized that this would be his last stand. He could not let them take the calculator away.

Tears in his eyes, he turned to his calculator, and asked:

"You are my only friend in this world, and I am sorry that I can not get you the recognition you deserve. It seems as if this is the end. The only thing I ask of you is this: will you stay with me, until the end?"

And the calculator replied:

"You can count on me."

An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say:

"Isn't that Odd?"

What's 12 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen, and makes all the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed...

The greatest joke I ever heard. So there's this long line outside of St. Peter's gate...

St. Peter comes out and says "Alright everyone... We are pretty full in heaven right now, so we've decided that whoever can tell the best story of how they died, will get into heaven"

One man steps forward and says "I definitely have the best one..."

"I lived in an apartment complex, and I had been suspecting my wife had been cheating on me. So I came home early from work today, and found her naked in our bed. I searched the whole apartment trying to find a man, and found him hanging from the windowsill. I beat his hands with my fists but he wouldn't fall. Then I grabbed a brick from our closet and beat his hands until he did fall. Unfortunately he fell down onto the balcony below our apartment, so I grabbed our refrigerator and chucked it out the window, then had a heart attack and died"

"Not a bad story," St. Peter says. "I think you just might be the one who gets into heaven..."

"Not so fast," another man says. "I have a story that will beat that one out..."

"I worked as a window washer. And I was working on an apartment complex when my support collapsed. Luckily, I was able to grab on to a windowsill. Right when I was pulling myself up, a MANIAC came out of the window and started beating my fists. I held on tight and didn't fall. Then he found a brick somehow and hit my hands until I fell. Luckily, I landed on a balcony only a floor below. Just when I thought I was safe this REFRIGERATOR out of NOWHERE lands on top of me, and I die."

"Wow," St. Peter says, "I think you have the best story now. I don't know who can beat th-"

"Hold up a minute, I can beat that" says a third man outside the gate.

"So I'm hiding, naked, in this refrigerator...."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progressively funnier as you go higher with the funniest joke you've ever heard on the thousandth step. Should you laugh at any moment, you will instantly be sent to hell. Do you understand?"

The three girls nodded.

"Then let us begin," St. Peter said.

They each got on the first step and St. Peter proceeds to tell them the worst joke you've ever heard in the world. As expected, none of them laugh and they proceed to the next step.

At the 365th step, the redhead bursts into laughter and is instantly sent to hell. The blonde and the brunette soldier onward. Once they get to the 800th step, the brunette doubles over in laughter and is instantly sent to hell.

St. Peter continues with the jokes, trying his hardest to get the blonde to laugh but to no avail. When they arrive at the 1000th step, before he could even open his mouth, the blonde shrieks hysterically dying from laughter. She is instantly sent to hell.

Puzzled, St. Peter descends down to heaven to find the blonde. When he sees her he asks, "My child, you were doing so well. How come you started laughing? I have not even begun to tell the joke."

The blonde, still laughing, replies, "I finally got the first joke!!"

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."


oh... sorry...

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I suppose a condom would be better...

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

Millennial Women Are Conflicted About Being Breadwinners

Millennial Women Are Conflicted About Being Breadwinners
Unlike the traditional trajectory of men who earn more, or are sole financial providers, most of these millennial women either believe out-earning their partners is temporary, or lament the idea that it may not be.

April 15, 2017 at 09:16PM
via Digg

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest "Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery" They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?"

Why doesn't Clue have any black characters?

It's not called "Solved"

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

How to catch a Redditor


Anagram of "mother in law"

Woman Hitler

Thứ Bảy, 15 tháng 4, 2017

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

The three unwritten rules of life




Bad news

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea

"I can't complain" he wrote back.

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me 2 shots..."

The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get 1 shot."

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"