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Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 6, 2019

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.



Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…

But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!

BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

Why don't Jews eat pussy?

It's too close to the gas chamber.

My dad told me this one.

"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.

One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons.

"I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am."

So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside. Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?" "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell."

They explain their plan to Beelzebub. "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am."

The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle. Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub. Even Beelzebub looks intimidated. "Who is that?" whispers the man. "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon.

They explain their plan to Satan. "I like it, I like it!" says Satan. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am."

The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt. Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness. "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man. "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."

California Was Warned 30 Years Ago About Climate Change. Now It's Feeling The Effects

California Was Warned 30 Years Ago About Climate Change. Now It's Feeling The Effects
A report issued in 1989 warned that California would see more droughts, floods, and fires under climate change.

June 29, 2019 at 11:00PM
via Digg

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

What's a gay man's favorite emoji?


Because it puts a D right next to a colon.

When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them.

Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you".

They meant it, they'd done it before.

Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found.

Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me.

Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse.

Get bored and climb inside the tire.

Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat).

Can't stop.

Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me.

They see me rollin'

They hatin'


Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.

Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 6, 2019

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.

Woman: What’s this?

Man: It’s a lime.

Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else?

The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table.

Woman: Is everything ok?

Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating...

But I think I've pulled it off.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally.

What did the drummer name his children?

Anna 1, Anna 2


A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.

A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine.

So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight


Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?

Bad reviews , only 1 star

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

Mother in law dies

A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.

“We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

A guy is talking to a girl

A guy is talking to a girl :

"Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place"

"Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?"

"No, I'm a dentist."

Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 6, 2019

Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.

So they called it a day.

Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..

A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out.

“Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says.

“The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out.

“Jacob got a new bike”

“Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says.

The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?”

Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man."

"No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

The teacher walked into the classroom

and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"

How do you tell between a boy ant and a girl ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Johnny walks on without response and the old timer continues on the porch. An hour passes and the old man sees little Johnny proudly marching back with a wagon of ducks.

The next day the old man is sitting on the porch and along comes Johnny with a wagon with his piggy bank.

Again he got curious and shouted out to him, "HEY KID!!! WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT PIGGY BANK?!!!"

Little Johnny says back, "I'm gonna go catch some pigs!"

The old man just shouts, "YOU CAN'T CATCH PIGS WITH A PIGGY BANK!!!"

Again Johnny walks down the road and the man sat on his porch only to be amazed again an hour later with a wagon full of pig.

The next day the old timer is on his porch and sees little Johnny dragging a wagon full of pussy willows.

The old man shouts "HEY KID!!! .... LET ME GET MY COAT!!!!"

Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted

I wish I had a pony.

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?

They checked our ratings.

One star.

Wayne Rooney Is Still Too Good For The MLS, Scores From Across Midfield

Wayne Rooney Is Still Too Good For The MLS, Scores From Across Midfield
The former Premier League star still has a lot of power in his right leg.

June 28, 2019 at 03:33AM
via Digg

I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months

I don’t like to interrupt her.

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..

"I had an affair with a woman... almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

What did the mod say to the redditor?


I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.

But none of them work

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar...

Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.

Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 6, 2019

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.

The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger

I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank.

Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank.

Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank.

Then i pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank.

I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass.

After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle.

When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely.

To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again.

When the house was passing by I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank...

Bell curves mean one thing to statisticians

And something completely different to Gaston

LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store... they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reached to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.

At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.

The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.

By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".

The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".

The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."

A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.

He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."

I said: “Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”

She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”

The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!”

Mom: “Exactly.”

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?"

The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin:

"Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue."

Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?"

Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice...

“Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?"

"Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy."

"I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?"

"We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs."

"Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?"

"Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."

As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!"
and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what has probably been making her sick."

The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.

Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 6, 2019

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

Genders are like the Twin Towers.

There used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it".

The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?"

The man replied: "they fired her too!"

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.

The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!"

Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!"

After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?"

The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."

I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...

For some reason Anne's Franks hasn't been very popular with the target audience.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone.

He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father."

Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son."

The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up.

The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."

Why do native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

My friend asked me if I have ever heard the song "Wonderwall".

I said maybe.

I Went To Australia To Test Out Tesla’s Vision Of The Future

I Went To Australia To Test Out Tesla’s Vision Of The Future
Elon Musk and his fans may love sports cars, but the company's biggest contribution may be reassuringly boring.

June 25, 2019 at 11:28PM
via Digg

After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second.


The waiter is puzzled. "What?"

"Land Rover."

"Sir, that's not on the menu."

"Lake Michigan."

The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu.

"This is what I want."

"Sir, you don't have any fingers... I can't tell what you're pointing at."

"Just give me the damn spaghetti."

I asked my husband if I'm the only one he's been with.

He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

EDIT: reposted from an ig publication that was a twitter repost. stop touching my balls TY.

What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 6, 2019

A bee keeper walks into a pet store

He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident.

He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.”

The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash!

The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”

Two windmills are in a field.

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"

Three drunk guys walk into a brothel...

The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window...”

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid...

Man she really wanted a daughter.

What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.

They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder

My girlfriend told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy.

so, I got drunk.

My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replied with a heavy sigh, ‘The ceilings here are too low and the young local people from around here can jump so high that they keep hitting the ceiling! What on earth am I supposed to do and what happens if the roof cracks!?’

The answer seemed simple to me, ‘Surely with all this money coming in you can pay someone to raise the ceiling - you must have enough to pay it off...’

He replied, still disheartened, ‘That may be true, but we’ve had an influx of visitors from across the border in Prague - they don’t tip well and I barely even break even when they come around!’

Resigned to his fate, taking a deep breath and looking down, he said to me: ‘The amount of local visitors may be through the roof but the Czechs keep bouncing.’

Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 6, 2019

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night


Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’

Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

I don't often tell Dad jokes

but when I do, he laughs.

Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.

He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him, "Pussy and bitch."

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.

Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”

It was a third degree burn.

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away.


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!"

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

I¨ve lost 20% of my couch


My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."

A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,

“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.”

The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?”

The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.”

The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?”

The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly.

The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option.
Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten.

The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.)
After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown.

"OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 6, 2019

(In bad taste)

As I lay in bed after sex I said,

"Am I a terrible husband? A terrible father?"

"Both," replied my daughter.

I proposed to my ex-wife

But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?

No strings attached.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2

He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard...

"Big sis, what does shit mean?"

"It means... coat."

In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard...

"Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?"

"It means... boys and girls.

In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard...

"Mom, what does fuck mean?"

"It means... cook."

The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them.

He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the coat rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."

These Lions Are Nonplussed By This Zoo's Lion Escape Drill

These Lions Are Nonplussed By This Zoo's Lion Escape Drill
A zoo in Japan conducted a lion escape drill with one of their employees wearing a furry costume.

June 23, 2019 at 12:27AM
via Digg

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.

'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..

'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.

The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.

"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.

The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."

How did 10 die ?

It was in the middle of 9/11.

Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 6, 2019

I made a website for orphans

There’s no home page


A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

Salesman answers, "$35."

Blonde: "How much for the black one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

Salesman: "$35."

Black Woman: "How much for the white one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

Black Woman: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

Blonde: "Hmmmmm..., how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."

Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. 

The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. 

“This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself.

So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!

So, the judge commented,

"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.


Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree.


Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work.


Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. 


Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing.


Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? 


"Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."


Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite

It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”

The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”

All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.

The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!”

The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.

Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Ranking Sugars By How (Un)healthy They Are

Ranking Sugars By How (Un)healthy They Are
White Sugar? Honey? Agave? Which is least likely to turn me into a hyperactive, diabetic maniac spiraling toward sugar-induced violent crime?

June 21, 2019 at 10:31PM
via Digg

Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 6, 2019

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.

Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you five to one this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."

So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"

The bird is silent as a stone.

"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"

The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the 50, sir, and have a nice night."

As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me fifty bucks!"

The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

Well, it's not hard.

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead

What drugs are IT Engineers addicted to?


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have 2 Shifts...

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

Muhammad Ali once tried to tell a joke.

But he punched up the fuck line.

I hate immigrants...

If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there...

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.

The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the roof.

The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other..."

Still silence from his wife.

The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset."

Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the roof, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"

Bros Vs. Hoes.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.

The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”

The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”

The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”

The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”

This Father Of Three Put Everything Into Bitcoin. Here’s What Happened Next.

This Father Of Three Put Everything Into Bitcoin. Here’s What Happened Next.
The Bitcoin Family are traveling the world, unencumbered by centralized currency.

June 21, 2019 at 02:16AM
via Digg

I once dated a girl with a twin..

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock

Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”

One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong

One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong

One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”

The teacher says no,

He says “then I definitely shit my pants”

Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 6, 2019

I'm going to freeze myself -273.15°

My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, she just died and left me everything."

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.

One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds.

Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it".

"For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"

A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"

"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.

The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"

The woman begins to scream.

"Oh, I see..."

The woman screams even louder.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

My wife just left me

because of my insecurities.

Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says -Sorry no spawn camping

My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.

A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?" Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before." So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll help her out" and kisses her. But the crying doesnt end there. He asks again "hey, hey, what's wrong?" "All my life I've lived like this and I've never been fingered before" The guy was taken back, but with a sigh and a moment of thought he decides "I'll do this for her to make her stop crying and finally have this moment." Once he finished her off she was STILL crying! Frustrated, he stands up and asks "what the heck?! Why are you still crying?!" Through her sniffling she replies "No one has ever found me attractive and I've never been fucked before." So the guy picks her up, throws her into the ocean and yells "WELL YOURE FUCKED NOW!!"

How Graffiti Became Gentrified

How Graffiti Became Gentrified
Two decades after Rudy Giuliani tried to rid New York City of graffiti, the art form is flourishing — with unexpected consequences.

June 19, 2019 at 08:26PM
via Digg

A little old lady...

...was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow

See how she fucking likes it !

Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 6, 2019

The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it"

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"

My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.

Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

I hate it when they say, "white people can't dance"...

Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.

[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”

“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.”

“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

“Oh, no,” the husband replies. “She’s left-handed.”

"How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma"

Oh shit this isnt google

How The Quality Of Tesla Cars Improved So Fast, And Why That Matters

How The Quality Of Tesla Cars Improved So Fast, And Why That Matters
Excellent fit and finish also requires leadership focus and will, something that Tesla clearly has.

June 18, 2019 at 10:33PM
via Digg

Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"


"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go", the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."

"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole."

"Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"

"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her."

"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"

"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 6, 2019

A black hole walks into a bar

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...

...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”

My brother didn't like jail

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?

"You crossed the wrong guy."

I made a DNA joke in my biology class but no one laughed.

Guess my thymine was off.

The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side.

"And Jeeves, remove my panties."

"Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor.

"Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"

What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?

Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.

Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.

One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You...". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You...". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 6, 2019

I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

Two young lads break into a distillery...

One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?”

The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”

I was so late to the cannibal banquet

They just gave me a cold shoulder

Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her

P - That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son

S - Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well

P - That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son

S - Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well!

The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says

P - You better get the fuck out right fucking now

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!”

The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother. “Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire. “Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”

Watch Boxer Tyson Fury Dodge A Barrage Of Punches, En Route To Retaining His Lineal Heavyweight Title

Watch Boxer Tyson Fury Dodge A Barrage Of Punches, En Route To Retaining His Lineal Heavyweight Title
This slow-mo footage of Fury masterfully evading punches, thrown at him with precision, belongs in a museum. He eventually did win the match and retained his title.

June 17, 2019 at 05:00AM
via Digg

#2537: Do you have a vagina?

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again".

The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this"

The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? "

The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".

Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.

Chủ Nhật, 16 tháng 6, 2019

Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.

Happy Father's Day!

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Little billy goes to a whorehouse

Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls.

Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket.

Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore.

Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy.

Billy: Why can't I have Sandy?

Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy.

Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids.

Madame: why little Billy?

Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

I make bad puns.

That's how eye roll.

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.

Shit, wrong thread.

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?


I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind.

Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain.

"That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards.

"Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."

A man steps into a bar and orders a beer. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."

The Bartender responds "Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same."

After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves. The next day the man comes to the bar again. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."

The bartender chuckles "My suggestion didn't work, did it?"

The man responds "n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."

Thứ Bảy, 15 tháng 6, 2019

You could say I'm B.R.O.K.E.

B - Bad

R - At

O - Acronyms

K -

E -

In Laughter, the L comes first

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans...

Because fish swim in schools.

With great power comes

great electricity bills.

Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."

Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."

Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."

A cabbie picks up a nun.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''

She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''

The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''

The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''

''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''

The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''