Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Funny Video

Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)

Funny Picture

Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)

Funny Game

Play game and comfortable :)

Funny Funny

Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.

Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 1, 2020


At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...

“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

"Correct." A third glass...

"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read:

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.     Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!

You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

A man dies and goes to hell.

There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.

First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours."

He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour."

"And the devil?"

The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."

There's this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.

Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only-- he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid.

One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student.

Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden.

Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor-- "What's her name?" He asked a friend.

"Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye."

Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom.

Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?"

Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so."

This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape.

So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape.

Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad. "Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal.

After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door-- but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission.

"Tommy, I wanted to ask you something... Would you go to prom with me?"

Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second-- the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied,

"Oh wood eye, wood eye!"

Sally was offended and crushed him.

The moral of the story: Stop while you're a head.

I just realized my countertop is made of marble..

I have been taking it for granite all these years.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.”

Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!”

Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill.

Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”

Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"

I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!

How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?


In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location.
The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life.
The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there.
After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly, and poor.

Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike

You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway

Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 1, 2020

Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

If the line you're waiting in is too long...

Just cough and say "this damn cough I got since I got back from China".

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….

I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.

Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.

One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?"

The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!"

The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex.

A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?"

To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"

What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?

A brothel sprout

(I’ll let myself out)

Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette.

Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?"

Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No."

Father: "Then you can't try it."

The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500.

Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?"

Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?"

Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!"

Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."

4 people having sex is called a foursome

3 people having sex is called a threesome

Now I know why they call me handsome.

What do you call a slow bullet?

A slug

What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?

Very little.

Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth

It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job...

It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong.

She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy.

For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him.

One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?"

Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”

She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 1, 2020

Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back for seconds

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f...!!!

Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs...

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

Two Boys One Tampon

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said.

"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’

The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’

The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’

The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

When you say the word "poop"

your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop.

The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

Man asks the Waitress: "Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed:

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 1, 2020

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

[NSFW]An old dark joke

A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss.

A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet. The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?" The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?" "I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?" "No go away" "If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad" "Okay, fine" The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well.

With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room. The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"

When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid.

It made my blood boil.

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dave.

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me

To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you. I have contacts.

A tree's first winter must be terrifying.

Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.

How do flat-earthers travel the earth?

On a plane

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

A husband and wife were sleeping one night

When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100"

"How much was were the ones like mine going for?"

"They were giving them away."

"Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100."

"What about ones like mine?" She inquires.

"That's where they had the auction!"

What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?

Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.

This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these headaches" Bill shocked and scared asks the doctor "what should i do doc" Doctor sighs and tells Bill "im sorry only thing we can do is castrate you" . Bill is shocked , he shudders at the thought of getting his balls cut off . He tells the doctor he’ll think about it and leaves. He thinks about it for sometime and finally after working up the courage he goes back to the doc and agrees to do the procedure . Finally after a long long painful surgery Bill walks out a new man. He walks around for the first time without his balls and tries not to think about his loss. He walks around and passes by a suit store he tells himself 'I am a new man today!...let me buy my new self some clothes” . He goes in and asks the owner "sir can u get me a blazer" the owner looks at him and says "one blazer coming up size 13" bill is amazed that the guy was able to tell his size by just looking at him and says "damn how'd u know" the owner answers "been in the business 50 years" bill tells him “ ok then let me get pants" the owner says "one pair of pants coming up size 35 waist" again bill is amazed he asks the guy "how did u know?" .."been in the business 50 yrs i know it all" Bill still surprised asks him "how about a pair of underwear" the owner looks at him and says "one pair of underwear size 10 coming up" bill jumps up and says "ha you were wrong im a size 8 been wearing 8 for 40 years " the owner looks at him concerned and retorts”well you shouldnt have ....8 is too small ,it will make your balls press up against your spine and give you a crazy headache".

A very old joke called, "Why Worry?"

Why Worry?

In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, there's nothing to worry about.

If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die.

If you get better, there's nothing to worry about.

If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell.

If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about.

If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to why worry?

An Authoritarian walks into a bar.

Orders everyone around.

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.
The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.
The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."

The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?"

The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun."

The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God."

The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 1, 2020

Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.

At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried.

“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”

My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take

Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"

The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”

Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.”

Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”

Sex Therapy

A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "

“Roger Federer, what do you love most about your country, Switzerland?”

“Well the flag is a big plus”

A higgs boson particle goes into a church...

...and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”

I'm trying to work on being less condescending.

(Condescending means treating people like they have less intelligence than me)

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.


With just the tip.

A snake walks into a bar..

And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!

Can you believe that?

Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.

I tried to re-marry my ex wife

But she figured out I was only after my money.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 1, 2020

xi jinping has coronavirus

He is now called winnie the flu

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous

What did Charizard say to Pikachu?


Wife is pregnant

Wife- I’m pregnant

Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad

Wife- No, you’re not

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today....

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,

but I saw right through it.

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

The man who invented Velcro has died.


It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents.

I'll let myself out.

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig ?

The F

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.

Because it’s made in China.

I asked my English teacher where the last name Smith came from

"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith."

'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from."

'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 1, 2020

6 life lessons

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 3:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

Lesson 5:

Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

  1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
  2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
  3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

My left nut thinks it's better than my right nut.

He can be egotesticle.

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates

  1. Nice shirt.

  2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

  3. OK, first shirt again.

  4. He has two shirts.

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years

The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable

A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counter, and produces an apple which he sets in front of his customer. The man is a bit confused and reiterates his order, stating “I asked for a Crown and 7, I’m not very hungry...” The bartender smirks and tells his patron “Sir, that is what I have given you... go ahead and take a bite.”

The man bites into the apple, and to his amazement it tastes like 7-Up. “Can I have one of these, but with Crown?” the man asks. The bartender smirks again and tells him to turn the apple around. The man does this and is even more amazed that the apple is an edible mixed drink.

A second man walks into the bar, and takes a seat. The bartender greets him, asking what this second customer would like. The man #2 responds with “I’ll have a Jack and coke.” Again, the bartender briefly searches beneath the counter and produces an apple which he places in front of man #2. “What the fuck is this? I ordered a drink, not a damn apple!”, man #2 says in an irritated manner. The firs customer hears man #2’s dismay, and tells him that he needs to try the apple. Man #2 bites into the apple and smiles once he realizes that the bite he took actually tastes like Jack Daniels. He proceeds to ask for a cola mixer, to which the bartender replies “turn it around”. Man #2’s attitude diminishes, and he sits to enjoy his apple.

Shortly after, a third man walks in and takes a seat between man #1 and man #2. Man #3 is confused that 2 men in a bar are eating apples rather than drinking. He’s so perturbed by this he decides to ask them both, “why the hell are both of you sitting here eating apples instead of enjoying a few drinks?” Man #1, already on his third apple, is excited to share his newfound love of apples with the man sitting next to him, “you tell the bartender what kind of drink you want, and he has an apple with those exact flavors! I’m eating a Crown and 7 right now!” In disbelief, man #3 looks at man #1 and call him an idiot and a liar. Man #2 who is on his second apple chimes in, “he’s not lying. I’m enjoying my Jack and coke flavored apple. It’s like he’s got an apple for any flavor you want...” Man #3 is perplexed and takes a look at the bartender and asks, “is that true?” The bartender only responds with a nod of his head. Man #3 decides he wants to show the other two men that it’s some cheap parlor trick. He grins, looks at the bartender and says, “You got any that taste like pussy?” The bartender doesn’t hesitate, and immediately takes a look beneath the counter. Once again, he produces an apple and sets it in front of man #3. Man # 3 takes a look at the other 2 patrons who are eager for him to share their love for the magical apples. Man #3 takes a bite, expecting it to taste only like an apple. As soon as the bite touches his tongue, he spits it out. “This tastes like shit!”, man # 3 exclaims. The bartender grins and says “turn it around...”

I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.

I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."

Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 1, 2020

If life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

What's the difference between a scientist and plumber?

The way they pronounce unionized

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo...

...the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"

What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak?

February 14th

My neighbor owes me $500 but won't pay.

Lawyer: Do you have proof?

Me: No

L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you.

M: But it's only $500.

L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.

Two Arab guys get on a plane.

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said,

“That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?

When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

I told my wife she's been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.

She seemed surprised.

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?

Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over...

After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip

Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well

After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed

The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?"

The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

What goes with the Coronavirus?

Lyme Disease

Yes i masturbate fully naked

if you dont like it, go to another starbucks

Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 1, 2020

Slightly NSFW joke

Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female)

Maid: I need a raise

Owner: you already have got a raise

Maid: that was 18 months ago

Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise?

Maid: I am better than you in many things

Owner: ok tell me

Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you

Owner: who told you

Maid: your husband

Owner: okay

Maid: I also am better at cooking than you

Owner: now who told you that?

Maid: your husband

Owner: okay

Maid: and I also am better than you in bed

Owner: did my husband tell you that too?

Maid: no the Gardner did.

Owner: .................

Owner: ok how much raise do you want?

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here

A time traveler walks into a bar

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.

What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?

The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!"

The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,

and I asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

Jesus walks into a bar

“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples

Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees.

"All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time."

The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away.

"What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prision.

Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 1, 2020

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Why do Chinese kids not believe in Santa ?

Because they make the Toys

What did the bird say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, birds aren't real

I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing?

He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.

Rolled my first joint last night.

God my ankle hurts this morning.

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”

“Anything, Father.”

“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…”

“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

“Father, could I ask something of you?”

“Yes, Sister?”

“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”

“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe.

“Oh Father, may I touch it?”

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”

“Is that true Father?”

“Yes, it is, Sister.”

“Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes away.

A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !" "So, what's the bad news ?"

"You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”

And I thought, “that’s just spam”.

NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?

Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.

I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.

"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.

"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.

"Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth.

St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II."

St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting.

"That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right."

St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy replies,

“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion

A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"

Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 1, 2020

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it

My illegal logging business is a success

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”

“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”

“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'

What's the definition of a reverse exorcism?

It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy

Hey Bob, do you shower after sex

  • Hey Bob, do you shower after sex?

  • Well, of course I do.

  • Great, could you please get laid more often?

If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

If a kid refuses to sleep during a nap time..

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares

It's nice to have some company

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites.

The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me."

The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world."

Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “

After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice...

She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards.

I find them quite re-markable.

Reddit was down this morning

Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs

Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 1, 2020

An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad!"

"Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"

My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me...

...that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear." Replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it in so much detail to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"


She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.

The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"

Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"


Away she went!

The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"

With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"

The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"

And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.

Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."

Genie: What will your first wish be?

Dave: I want to be rich.

Genie: And your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex...

But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father's sperm ...

...does that make semen gender-fluid?

My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says…

“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:…

“Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else…

But his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,…

Calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says,

“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef - $6 Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks.

"Yes I am!." She replies with a wink.

"Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."

Two old men go into a whore house.

The head prostitute tells the new girl to put a couple of blow up dolls in their beds and take out the bulbs of their lamps. "They pretty much blind anyway" she explained.

Later that night, the first old man comes down the stairs looking worried. "I think the woman I'm with is dead?"

"Why?" Asked the new girl.

"She ain't movin or breathin."

Before she can attempt to explain the second old man comes down the sairs with the same worried look on his face. "I think the woman I was with was a witch!"

"Why?" Asked the new girl again.

"Well when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window!"

Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 1, 2020

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."

A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]

Her father became mad and said "No butter for you"

Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you"

The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama"

(Sorry, English is not my first language)

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost along the way.

Then I think to myself being a tour guide is a profession I shouldn't have chosen.

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

What kind of organization does an atheist start?

A non-prophet one

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator.

In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

I looked deep into her eyes

And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach.

I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass...

I like my women like I like my baristas.

Jenna please come back I don't know how to make coffee.

My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.

I have a Czech one, too.

One too.

What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?

Nothing, they’re stuck up cunts

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital.

No I’m kidding they get shot

One day, a wife came home early.

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 1, 2020

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says

“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”

“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment then said

“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.

" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)

Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together. The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch." The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room. She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy looks a little scared a replies "I don't know, but definitely not fucking fruit loops."

I named my dog insane.

So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.

Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

A dick has a sad life

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner always beats him.

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

My son loves my Delorean

So I let him drive it from time to time

The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, “You can’t do this to me!”

I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple.

"There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed.

The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours

Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 1, 2020

What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?

A Fizzician.

The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ...

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!

A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face.

A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges.

A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!"

The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?"

The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells

Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

"Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

"One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said,

"Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

Thank god Canada’s not the super power

or we’d all be sorry

A bodybuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job...

We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?”

I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

I'm so tired of jokes about gay people

I mean come on guys

Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 1, 2020

When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.

"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”

The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”

The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”

The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ..........added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Georgia , sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Georgia ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Georgia ."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through.

The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?"

The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says

"OK, FINE... I won't tell the joke... I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."

A dad was washing his car with his son

After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"

I used to bang a set of twins...

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

A german was peeing in a street in New York...

... and a lady looks at him and says:


To which the German replies:


Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

Little Johnny

So, little Johnny is at his grandparents house and he sees his grandfather drinking some beer and asks if he can have some. His grandfather then asks, can your dick touch your asshole? Little Johnny responds no and his grandfather tells him that he can have some beer when it can. The next day little Johnny’s grandma made him some cookies. His grandfather walks in and asks if he can some. Little Johnny then asks, can your dick touch your asshole? His grandfather responds yes and little Johnny said, well then go fuck yourself these are my cookies.

Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years," said the man.

After spending a few days on the island, the man realized that he was unlikely ever to see a woman again. "From now on," he thought, "I will have to do it with my cow."

The man lowered his pants. He ran towards the cow. But the dog jumped onto the cow's back. He growled at the man. The man backed off. He put his pants back on. The dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away.

Again, the man lowered his pants. Again, he ran towards the cow. Again, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. Again, he growled at the man. Again, the man backed off. Again, he put his pants back on. Again, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away.

For the third time, the man lowered his pants. For the third time, he ran towards the cow. For the third time, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. For the third time, he growled at the man. For the third time, the man backed off. For the third time, he put his pants back on. For the third time, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away.

The man was about to lower his pants a fourth time, when a huge, hairy monster jumped out from behind a bush. The beast looked like a cross between a lion and a gorilla that was the size of an elephant. He chased the man and his companions through the jungle.

Finally, the monster had the man, the dog, and the cow cornered. The man closed his eyes and waited for the beast to kill him. Suddenly, he felt something grab him, and the next instant he was flying through the air.

When the man opened his eyes, he was sitting safely in a tree with a woman who was holding a vine. He figured that the woman must have rescued him. The woman swung back down on the vine and rescued the dog and even the cow, and carried them into the tree. Then she jumped down from the tree and effortlessly killed the enormous monster.

After the woman lowered the other three from the tree, the man took a good look at her. She was completely naked, and very beautiful. She also had some pretty impressive muscles, which somehow made her even more beautiful. The man was so stunned, all he could say was, " saved our lives."

"Were you on a cruise?" she asked. "Yes," said the man. "So was I," said the woman. "When I was five years old, I was on a cruise with my family. Then the ship sank, and I was the only one to survive. I swam to this island, and it wasn't long before I had my first narrow escape from one of those huge monsters. I had to make myself strong in order to survive here."

"You are the first human I have seen in fifteen years, and I would be willing to do anything for you."

The man looked at the beautiful, naked woman with a sly grin on his face. "Anything?" he asked. "Oh, yes!" said the woman.

"In that case," said the man, "would you take my dog here for a walk?"

I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail

He didn't even complete his sentence

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 1, 2020

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"

And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"

And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this."

And she agrees.

That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck.

He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn.


After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear.

"WHAT are you doing here, madam??"

And she tells all, "I...I'm a stowaway! I have an...arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food."

"And?" says the captain

"And...well. He's screwing me."

and the captain says,

"He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it...

Him: Knock Knock

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Howard

Me: Howard who?

Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change?

This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.

Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone

Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day comrades.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”