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Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 5, 2019

Told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it!

3 friends were bragging about who had the most sex...

Friend 1 said ”You all have nothing on me, I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I Corvette to work everyday and I got a 8.5 inch penis. I have slept with over 1000 different women.”

Friend 2 said ”Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $850k a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5000 women.”

Friend 3 said ”I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

A 10 year old girl asks her mother... “Mommy, How was I born?”

The mother smiled and replies... “Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it.

Then we smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."

"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.

"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."

"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."

All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

It just so happened that one day when Timmy was driving the train near a very sharp turn that required him to decrease the trains speed, a butterfly flew across the window.

Distracted, Timmy forgot to decrease the trains speed and ended up running it off the tracks, killing everybody inside expect for himself.

In the strange country that Timmy lives in, the punishment for killing a lot of people with a train is death by electric chair.

So the day comes when the executioner approaches Timmy in jail and asks what he wants for his last meal.

Timmy thinks for a minute, and then responds to the executioner by asking for a single banana.

The executioner thinks this is a stupid request, but grants Timmy’s wish anyways. He gives him a single banana, which Timmy eats in 3 bites.

The executioner straps Timmy into the electric chair and pulls down the lever to start the flow of electricity.

When the smoke clears, the executioner in shocked to see Timmy still alive, sitting in the electric chair!

Another strange law in the county Timmy lives in is if you survive the execution by electric chair, you get to walk away as a free man.

Timmy was distraught about loosing his job as a train conductor. It just so happened that the same prestigious train company was desperate for a qualified conductor to operate their new Mega Train.

They hired Timmy back to his old job.

Timmy was driving the train in the exact spot where his previous accident occurred, when another butterfly flew across his window...

So Timmy’s back in the jail cell when the executioner asks for his last meal (again).

Timmy thinks for a minute, and asks for two bananas this time.

A bit suspicious, the executioner brings him his bananas which Timmy eats in 3 bites each.

Timmy was strapped into the chair, and the lever was pulled, but when the smoke settled, he still wasn’t dead!

Again, Timmy walks free.

Again, the train company hires him back to drive their new Ultra Train.

Again, Timmy is conducting the train in the spot where the previous accidents had occurred.

Again, a butterfly flew across the window...

So Timmy’s about to be executed for the third time when the executioner approaches him. He states that Timmy won’t be given a last meal this time, so there would be no way he could eat his bananas.

Timmy is strapped into the electric chair and the executioner pulls the lever.

The look on the executioners face after he realized Timmy still hadn’t died was priceless.

“How are you still alive?” Demanded the executioner, “I didn’t give you any bananas this time!”

Timmy replies, “It’s not the bananas. I’m just a bad conductor.”

We'll We'll We'll

If it isn't autocorrect

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

My dog wouldn't stop chasing people on bikes.

In the end, I had to take his bike away.

Your mom looks like a sewer....

Because her needlework is on point <3<3<3

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?


A People Map Of The US

A People Map Of The US
Who's the most famous person (or at least the person with the most Wikipedia traffic) from your hometown? This extremely detailed map from The Pudding has your answer.

May 30, 2019 at 08:09PM
via Digg

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

Donate one lung and you’re a hero

I donate 7 and I get arrested

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you

You have my Word

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Hey" . . The horse replies "sure"

I knew a girl who used a kazoo instead of a rape whistle...

It was the most annoying sex i’ve ever had

Wendy was dared by her male classmate to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him an ice cream that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets ice cream. Upon reaching home, she bragged to her mom, feeling proud about what she did.
“Oh, Wendy. You do know that he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head in disapproval.

A little wiser she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her two ice creams to climb the pole. She thought that it was an easy win for her so once again, she climbed to the top of the flagpole.
Again, after school ended and she returned home she once again bragged her mom who was a little more disturbed than the day before. “But, Wendy. Do you remember what I said last time? He’s just trying to see your underwear.”

Wendy grinned slyly and responded “I know that, that’s why I didn’t wear any underwear today.”

I have a pen that can write underwater...

it can write other words too

Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 5, 2019

Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked.

“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.

After the physical exams were completed, the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.

“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.” he said.

“But doctor!” Mary complained. “You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”

“Well, OK.” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

A Proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar...

A proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar and order three beers. The bartender appears with three beers in hand and asks the proton, “Are you sure you are above 21?” The proton replies, “I’m positive.” The bartender then gives the proton his beer. He then says to neutron while giving him the second beer, “For you, no charge.” He then proceeded to throw the last beer into Heliem’s face. Helium didn’t react.

I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on

Remains to be seen

You put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

6:30 is the best time of the day

Hands down

How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The tailor eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The tailor said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The tailor shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:

"I can't be with you because I M24 and you AR15"

A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"

The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect vision of the flag. Must've been at least 250 yards, which was an incredible drive for me. Feeling pretty good about that hit, I walked toward my ball but as I got within 15 yards of it, a squirrel ran out of the forest and grabbed my ball."

And the priest interrupts "So is that when you cursed?"

The man replies, "No father, not yet. You see, as the squirrel was running away, it was actually moving me closer to the green and giving me a better shot. But then, out of nowhere, a hawk swooped down and picked up the squirrel, ball and all."

"Ah, now I see," the priest says. "You cursed then."

"No father, this was not when I cursed. The hawk started flying over the green, and by some miracle, maybe an act of God, the squirrel let my ball drop right over the green. It landed and rolled within 5 feet of the hole."

And the priest says, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt"

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop...

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"...

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Here It Is: One Of The Worst Ceremonial First Pitches Ever

Here It Is: One Of The Worst Ceremonial First Pitches Ever
You know a pitch is pretty darn bad when people are comparing it to 50 Cent's infamous Mets first pitch.

May 29, 2019 at 08:42PM
via Digg

This sub is the most representative sub on this platform.

Cause after a minute of scrolling, you start muttering: Reddit, Reddit, Reddit...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."

The guy asked, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the game, they kept shouting 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"

Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One

When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls the agent aside and says, “ Why did you yell Mickey Mouse when you saw the assassin?” The agent says, “Well, I got nervous and meant to say Donald Duck.”

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

A Spartan man and an Athenian man are arguing over which city is best

The Spartan man says " I think this should come down to a vote"

To which the Athenian agrees

The Spartan then says "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian says" I vote Athens"

The Spartans wife say "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian Wife says calmly"I don't get to vote"

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 5, 2019

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.

And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it down" says the second.

"Let's tell the captain that we've decided not to go" says the third.

Headstrong they head to the captains quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.

The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they'll be going ahead with the journey.

"But we've got you outvoted 3 to 1" the sailors cried in unison.

"You fools" said the captain "you're all forgetting one thing!"

"What's that?" Exclaimed the sailors.

The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.

"That this isn't a democracy..."

"It's a dick tater ship!"

There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could satisfy herself. He looks around but finds nothing.

The cashier comes to him and asks him what he wants, to which the man tells him his problem. "I have a special toy just for you" the cashier tells the man. They both go to the back room and the cashier pulls out a black velvet box. He opens it and there's a golden dildo inside it.

"What's so special about this?" asks the man. "Check this out" replies the cashier and says "Voodoo Dildo, the door". The golden dildo rises from its black velvet box and starts furiously humping the door till it breaks. The cashier then says "Voodoo Dildo, the box" and the golden dildo flies back into the box and he closes it.

The man thoroughly impressed buys it and goes to his girlfriend. He says "Honey, I'm going away for 3 weeks for work. If you ever feel horny, just open this box and say these words that I've written down".

A couple of weeks pass and the girlfriend gets really horny. She suddenly remembers what her boyfriend and told her. So she goes to the drawer and opens the black velvet box and reads out the following phrase "Voodoo Dildo, my vagina". The golden dildo rises from the box and starts humping her.

After a while, having had a few orgasms, she's tired and wants to sleep. She tries to pull it out but she's not able to. She then realizes that her boyfriend hadn't told her the words to stop it. So, she decides to go to the hospital and get it surgically removed. She somehow wears her gown and gets to her car.

Obviously in a state of panic, arousal and pain, she's unable to drive the car properly and starts swerving. Seeing a reckless driver, a police officer soon catches up to her and makes her stop. As he comes to the window he sees this woman who's sweating and panting and there's water everywhere.

"Are you drunk?" asks the officer. "No no officer, I'm perfectly sober" replies the woman.

"Then what's the problem ma'am?" asks the officer. The woman embarrassedly tells him "I have a Voodoo Dildo stuck inside me. I'm going to the hospital to get it surgically removed".

"Yeah right" replies the officer, not believing a word, "Voodoo Dildo my ass"

The bartender asks "why the non-linear sequence?"

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot, after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

How Many Bones Would You Break to Get Laid?

How Many Bones Would You Break to Get Laid?
"Incels" are going under the knife to reshape their faces and dating prospects.

May 28, 2019 at 07:46PM
via Digg

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, so as to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.

With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.

He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.

Well, years passed as they are want to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained as lively and youthful as ever, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.

As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.

But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, he pulled the switch to wake the crew. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.

“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”

Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I am so sorry and tired. My muscles ache all over!"

Doctor: "From not eating?"

Blonde: "No from skipping"

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever slept with

She said, "Yes. All the others were nines and tens"

Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 5, 2019

My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[guy drinks medicine]

Guy: [spits] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: your sense of taste is now working. That will be $100

The guy, mad, paid and left, but returned two days after.

Guy: hey doc, i keep on forgetting things

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

Guy: fuck you, that's gasoline!

Quack: your mental faculties have been restored. That will be $100

Duped a second time, the fuy angrily paid and left, but returned two days after.

Guy: hey doc, i cant see well.

Quack: [thinks for some time] Sorry i dont have a cure for that. A deal is a deal; here's the money as promised. [gets money from drawer and gives it to the guy]

Guy: wait a minute, this is 50 bucks

Quack: good! Your sight has become well. Give that back and pay me $100

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!

Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey.., both of them ??

Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???...

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus. A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”


“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”


“Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?”

“Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”

“O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...”

“No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”

“Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...”

“No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!”



“Goodbye, sir.”

She hangs up the phone.

Alex sits there for like five seconds until he realizes he forgot something.

“Oh crap! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”

What do you call an online lawyer


A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my right eye” so the bartender bets him because there’s no way the man can have 2 glass eyes, right? So the man takes out his jaw and bites his right eye. Now the bartender is mad because he just lost 400 dollars. The man comes back once again and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 500 dollars that I can stand up on the bar and pee in that cup all the way across the room without missing a drop” the bartender knows for sure he can’t make it so he shakes on it. The man stands up on the bar and pees all over the bartender! The bartender jumps up and down in joy. He then looks across the room and sees a man crying. “Why is he crying” he asks. “Well I bet him 1,000 dollars that I couldn’t stand up on the bar and piss all over the bartender and he’ll be happy about it”

(Sorry this was worded bad, I forgot some details and I suck at telling jokes)

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Me : *washing car with son*

Son : "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Why cant you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday

An 8 year old girl asks a question to her grandfather.

An eight-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him: "Grandpa, what is couple sex?'' The grandfather was very surprised that she would ask such a question. But he decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. Feeling uncomfortable, he steeled himself and proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of sexual intercourse. When he finished, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open and her eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her: "Why did you ask this question, honey?'' "Well,'' the little girl replied," Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.''

Someone threw a beer at Trump at Indianapolis NRA convention. He's fine.

It was a draft so he dodged it perfectly.

'It Was Like A Zoo:' Death On An Unruly, Overcrowded Everest

'It Was Like A Zoo:' Death On An Unruly, Overcrowded Everest
This has been one of the deadliest climbing seasons on the world's highest peak. Veteran climbers blame increased permits for climbers, including many who are inexperienced.

May 27, 2019 at 06:36PM
via Digg

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

I was going to post a joke about time travel

But you guys didn't like it

My girlfriend's a porn star

And she's going to be really pissed when she finds out

Today was a weird day

First I found a hat full of money, and then a man with gitar followed me the rest of the day

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure" said the bartender, and he patiently holds it while the vet sips back the frosty nectar.

"If," says the armless man, "you'd reach in my right-hand pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."

The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more."...

"Where is the men's room?"

The bartender's face suddenly turns flush...

"Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks - there's a gas station on the corner."

What do you call a rabbit with a crooked dick?

Fucks Funny

Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 5, 2019

Love is blind

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Did you hear about the wooden car? It had a wooden engine, wooden wheels, a wooden chassis and a wooden gearbox...

And the fuckin' thing wooden even go.

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and and and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each on of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if Im gonna have to explain it 5 times.”

I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.

My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at the party....

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

They're afraid it might look like they're dancing.

My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?”

What a weird way to start a conversation!

A Migrant Family Takes A Greyhound Across America

A Migrant Family Takes A Greyhound Across America
Entering the U.S. at a rate of more than 5,000 a day, new arrivals from Central America are departing border towns by the busload. And that bus is usually a Greyhound.

May 26, 2019 at 11:03PM
via Digg


No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We"re outta here!

I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”

Me: I’m scared of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why

Me: screams

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

My GF has changed a lot since she became vegan

It's like I've never met herbivore.

My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price. The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks from the case and explains that he will go to the rear of the bull and with one brick in his left hand and the other one in his right he will smash the bull's testicles by banging the bricks together. "Holy shit!" the farmer says "won't that hurt like hell?!!! "nah" the man says... "you just got to make sure you keep your thumbs on the outside"

Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 5, 2019

click here if you want to join the peepee club


Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball up there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb!”

“Who is it?”, asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me…Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching on Tuesday.”

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

Being the intellectual I am I replied “Usually through an overdose”

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - aaaah, the problem is solvable ... and goes to sleep again.

A guy goes to confess...

A guy goes to confess...
"Father, yesterday I've been with 5 different woman."
"Squeeze 20 lemons and drink the juice" says the priest.
"This will free me from my sins?"
"Absolutely not, but it will take away that shit-eating grin from your face."

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

I woke up to a blowjob today...

That’s the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open.

[Spoiler] tag

you're it

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?"

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

In A Town Shaped By Water, The River Is Winning

In A Town Shaped By Water, The River Is Winning
Storms supercharged by climate change pose a dire threat to river towns. After two catastrophic floods, tiny Ellicott City faces a critical decision: Rebuild, or retreat?

May 25, 2019 at 09:35PM
via Digg

Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man

He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a minute to find a suitable weapon, but to his dismay his wife and the man are both gone when he unlocks the bedroom door. From the open window sill, he deduces that they must have escaped through it. The fact that his wife decided to run away with the guy infuriates Dan even more, and he swears revenge on them both.

Dan asks around and finds out that the man has been visiting his house regularly for the last few months. After poking around some more, he comes to know that the man his wife ran away with is a manager at the grocery store that is in their neighborhood. Dan decides to track them both down and teach them a lesson. He chases them far and wide, all over the country. They've been staying at motels, and he's always a few days late in getting to them - they're already gone by the time he arrives. Yet, he bides his time - he knows their money has to run out soon.

Finally, one day Dan's chase leads him to a motel called "eslaf swen". As is usual, he asks the manager if he's seen his wife (he shows a picture) and a man. The manager tells him that yes, the couple had been there, but left a few days ago. And he had overheard them say something about a brothel over in the town a few miles away. Dan deduces that their money must have run out, and they must be planning to make some at the brothel. Filled with disgust, Dan makes his way to the brothel.

On arriving at the brothel, he finds that there is one particular door outside which there's a long queue of men. He asks the pimp about the reason for that. Pimp: "We have only had Mexican prostitutes in our establishment so far. First time ever, a blonde walked in a few days ago and offered herself! Easiest money of my life, everyone's lining up to fuck her!" Dan is incensed because he knows exactly who the fuck is behind that door. Dan: "Did she come in here with a man? Where did the man go?" Pimp: "Oh yes she came with a guy alright, he just sits inside and collects the money, we split it at the end of the day." By this point, Dan has lost it. Dan: "I've come a long way over a long time, searching for that woman and that man. I'm going to fuck them up pretty bad." Pimp: "I'm sorry, I don't think these men will let you get in the way of their fun." Dan: "Then I'll beat each and everyone of them up too". The pimp replies, "Whoa man you can't do that, it's just not funny if you've come a long way and you go ahead and punch up the fuckline.

After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

“Mommy, why did you name me rose?”

“Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”

“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”

“Yes, it is”


“Shut up brick”

If you wanna find the gender of an ant, put it in water.

If it drowns, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.

Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 5, 2019

Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

If you ever own a Tesla and it gets stolen...

Then it's called an Edison.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pastor?

Alien vs. Predator

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because they’re all dead.

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.

“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.

“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”

The old woman became irritated. “I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.

“Why not?”, persisted the girl.

“Because this doll is cursed!”

“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”

“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”

“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.

The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms. When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted. She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.

The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.

The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.

The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.

“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”

Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.

Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.

The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.

The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.

It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.

Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra.

We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees !

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

{ I love this part }...

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

MORAL : When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear. When you're intelligent, you'll know which half !!!

My wife said if this post gets 100 upvotes, she’ll lose her anal virginity tonight.

Please don’t upvote, she’s on a business trip until next week.

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

Man Posts On Craigslist Saying He's Found A Lost Cat, Turns Out It's A Wild Bobcat

Man Posts On Craigslist Saying He's Found A Lost Cat, Turns Out It's A Wild Bobcat
Kudos to the man for being kind and to other users on Craigslist for pointing out that he had invited the wrong kind of cat into his house.

May 24, 2019 at 10:30PM
via Digg

Girl's confession to a priest

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)


Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

I was so drunk last night

the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 5, 2019

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

317 days without sex...

went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

A Mormon and Irishman are on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air.

Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” he answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Only if it’s raining.”

This Poor Farmer Has Literally The Shittiest Day Ever At Work

This Poor Farmer Has Literally The Shittiest Day Ever At Work
Nothing to make you feel more cowed at work than being in the firing line of a cow's projectile poop.

May 23, 2019 at 07:34PM
via Digg

A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''

''OK, have you ever been in the military service?''

he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.'' The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'' The interviewer then asks, ''Are you disabled in any way?''

The man says, ''Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.''

The interviewer grimaces and then says, ''Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."

The man is puzzled and asks, ''If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10?"

''This is a government job," the interviewer says. ''For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"Go away" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" She proceeds to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum does not remove all traces of manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said "well let me get you a fork, cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

Credits goes to the homemade humor.

Sadly their site isn't around any more so I thought I can share some of their best works with you all.

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.


Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 5, 2019

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you were on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The second man replies, "I was the pastor of my Methodist church!"

St. Peter says, "Wonderful! Make your way to door 6, but when you pass door 2, be very quiet."

St. Peter asks the last man, "What denomination were you on Earth?"

The man says, "I was Lutheran. Part of the Missouri Synod."

St. Peter says, "You know the drill. Go to door 12, but be very quiet when you pass door 2."

The last man says, "Why is it we need to be so quiet when we go past door 2?"

St. Peter replies, "Because that's where the Catholics are and they think they're the only ones here."

Why is 1 = 0?

cos 0 = 1

Me: Doc, I am suddenly afraid of random letters

Doc: You Are?

Me: screams

Doc: Oh I See...

Me: screaming intesifies

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly irradiated cleanup zone, but it too broke down in only 8 minutes.

The German robot with its superior german engineering managed to perform its task for a full 20 minutes before finally succumbing to the immense heat and radiation.

But all this time, the Russian robot was hard at work, and the engineers and scientists of all the other nations watched in awe as the Russian robot continued to send back signals for another full hour.

They asked the soviet officer stationed there, “How is your robot still active after all this time?” The soviet officer looked at them, then took a glance at the clock, and shouted in to the megaphone, “Private Dimitri! Your shift is over! Come out for a smoke.”

Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

To all the people who listen to my Indian accent and automatically assume I’m in IT, let me tell you something.

That’s just a coincidence.

Where do little jokes come from?

A dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised

98% percent of the population is stupid.

Luckily I’m part of the 3%.

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

What kind of train is a ballerina?

A tutu train!

I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly.

How San Francisco Broke America’s Heart

How San Francisco Broke America’s Heart
Filthy rich and dominated by a tech monoculture, it's gone from America's great romantic city to "a train wreck."

May 22, 2019 at 10:01PM
via Digg

Just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon

I’ll let you know

Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis

Doctor: Why?

Me: *Screams*

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence

Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 5, 2019

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.

Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.

“Is the cat there?” He asked.

“Yes…” she replied.

“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.

A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.

The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.

The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.

“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”

“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.

“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”

“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child

But the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

What do you call a gay dinosaur?


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl?

Because you never turn your back on family

Why are pirates all sexually frustrated?

Because they’re looking for booty but all they ever find is big chests.

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. ‘They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6: A little bird was late flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This concludes the 5 Minute Management Lesson. If this is a repost, I apologize in advance. Afterwards. You know what I thought I meant. Mean. Average.

Edit: Thanks for the silver, you lovely anonymous bastard!

How your friends change your habits - for better and worse

How your friends change your habits - for better and worse
Our health choices are constantly influenced by our friends, both consciously or unconsciously.

May 21, 2019 at 07:33AM
via Digg

My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

Why is 68 afraid of 70?

Because 69 and 70 once got into a fight and 71.

Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 5, 2019

Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude.

Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.

When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".

When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".

When Patrick gets home, he finds his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asks him what happened, he replies "As I bent over to tie my shoes, I farted and next doors' house blew up!".

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

My crush just messaged me


Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

[Credit to Milton Berle]

[Credit and many thanks for the gold to an "anonymous redditor," namely u/Blake88fair]

Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to lean that their good friends, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread his butt cheeks?” The doctor is confused, but grants the request. Instantly Sven says, “Ah nope. That ain’t Anders.”

The doctor then calls Ole into the room and presents the body. Ole pauses for a moment and says, “Gosh. That sure does look like him...flip ‘em over and spread his butt cheeks.” The doctor obliges again and Ole shakes his head with conviction. “Yeah-No. That ain’t Anders.”

The doctor calls Sven back into the room and says. “Now look here, boys. We know this is Anders and just need a positive I.D. Why are ya both sayin’ this ain’t him?”

Ole looks at Sven, then back to the doctor and says, “Well doc, whenever we was going around as the three of us folks would always say, ‘Ay here comes Anders with those two assholes.’ And this guy’s only got one.”

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

To the guy who invented the number zero

Thanks for nothing

Warning: Game of Thrones spoilers.

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss.

The Adventure That Eats U.S. Thru-Hikers for Breakfast

The Adventure That Eats U.S. Thru-Hikers for Breakfast
The 1,900-mile-long Greater Patagonian Trail winds through the southern Andes from Santiago to the climbing mecca of Mount Fitzroy. To complete it, adventurers need a lot more than physical stamina.

May 21, 2019 at 03:06AM
via Digg

Today is my 32nd birthday...

I am only celebrating for half a minute.

I hate people who take drugs

For example: airport security

In America dogs are K9.

In China dogs are E10.

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently it's harsh to say to a cancer patient.

Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 5, 2019

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes

because there is no delivery.

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today. In Australia it is tomorrow. And in Alabama it is 1890?

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much..."

"It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know because it doesn't smell and it's silent."

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the old lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me but now my passing gas... although it's still silent, it stinks terribly."

"Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll get to work on your hearing."

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

A mathematician arrived home drunk at 3AM.

His wife was waiting for him.

"You said you'd be back by 11:45!" she screamed.

The mathematician replied, "No, I said I'd be back at a quarter of 12."

At first I thought it was great dating an archaeologist

Then I found out she was a gold digger and her future lies in ruins!

My brother's girlfriend is vegan

I haven't met herbivore.

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

The Real Reason Fans Hate The Last Season Of Game Of Thrones

The Real Reason Fans Hate The Last Season Of Game Of Thrones
It's not just bad storytelling — it's because the storytelling style-changed from sociological to psychological.

May 20, 2019 at 02:01AM
via Digg

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

Why are vampires so impulsive?

They never reflect on things.

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.

We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.

Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 5, 2019

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US...

... will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.

I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.

So a man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!

Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Guy Singing Evanescence's 'Bring Me to Life' Takes The Snapchat Gender Swap Filter To The Next Level

Guy Singing Evanescence's 'Bring Me to Life' Takes The Snapchat Gender Swap Filter To The Next Level
Scott Hubbard does the performance of a lifetime with his phone.

May 19, 2019 at 12:54AM
via Digg

The auditor goes to the synagogue

The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list




not yet done

"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"

The rabbi and all the administrators are extremely meticulous and precise; he checks everything, all the accounts and invoices and everything is flawlessly registered. There's really nothing to fine there.

He starts going out, quite disappointed, when he notices a small box.

"What's in that box?" he asks

"ah, you see sir, in our rites we use candles. We tend to spare, and at the end of the rite we collect the melted wax, and we put it in that small box. At the end of the year we send it to the candle factory, they melt everything together and they send us back four candles for free, which we use again for our rites."

The auditor wants to check. Well, the rabbi has EVERYTHING registered: the number of candles, the weight of the wax, ... there's really nothing to fine.

He starts walking through the door, even more disappointed, but there's another small box:

"what's in that box?" he asks

"ah, you see sir, in our rites we use wine. And at the end of the rites we collect all the corks, and we put them in that small box. At the end of the year we send it to the corks factory, and they send us back four corks for free, which we use again for our wine bottles."

The auditor think "this time I got you". But again, the rabbi has really EVERYTHING registered: the number of bottles, the number of corks, the weight of the corks, ... there's really really nothing to justify a fine.

He is morally destroyed, feeling like a failure. He is already on the street, and then a thought flashes in his mind:

"But Rabbi!" he asks "do you still do circumcisions here?"

"Yes". Gotcha:

"And what to you do with the leftover skin?"

The rabbi points to a wooden box:

"Yeah, we put them all together in that box, which once a year we ship to the auditing company, and they send us a dickhead"

My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.

A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.

A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by:

"do you need a lift?"

She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other.

"it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here"

"it's a pleasure babe".

"what do you do?" she asks

"I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers.

She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?"

"yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?"

Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it:

"well you see... I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting... and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it... today is also my little sister's birthday..."

"well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink

He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear.

"where are we going?"

"you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday..."

She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it - for her dear sister.

He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new.

"what worries you, babe?"

"Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I... I don't really know if..."

He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day"

He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth:

"Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and ..."

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 5, 2019

My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.

Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.

Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?

A Juan on Juan

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘

Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘

Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasen‘t noticed yet.‘

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door.

"Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"

Tony Robbins Is The World's Most Famous Self-help Guru. This Is The Story He Doesn't Want You To Read

Tony Robbins Is The World's Most Famous Self-help Guru. This Is The Story He Doesn't Want You To Read
Behind the dazzling veneer, Robbins guards his empire with intense secrecy.

May 17, 2019 at 09:04PM
via Digg

Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" “At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....... "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 5, 2019

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door

Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?

A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator

Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?

A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party

Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why?

A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

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A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

I told my wife that she had to be more honest with me

So she stopped moaning

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!