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Thứ Tư, 31 tháng 8, 2016

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

There was a young couple having sex in the pool.

I walked up to the lifeguard and said, "Aren't you going to do anything?"

He said, "I might have a wank if you leave me alone."

What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being confused with feminists.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow!…That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

"Dress for the job you want," they said.

Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.

Judas: C´mon Jesus we´re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what?? Judas: The supper.. we´re gonna be late for supper.

How do you troll an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask which period it's from.

An old couple driving are pulled over by a state trooper...

The state trooper asks the old woman, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The old woman who could barely see over the steering wheel is hard at hearing and replies, "what?"

The husband sitting next to her says , "he said do you have any idea how fast you were going?" to which she replies, "no."

The state trooper then says to the old woman, "ma'am, I need to see your drivers license."

The old woman replies, "what?" To which her husband says, "he needs to see your drivers license". The old woman says ,"ok" and hands the trooper her license.

The trooper looks at the license and sees that she was from Macon Georgia. The trooper says, "I see you're from Macon, I used to date a woman from Macon back during the war. She was the worst damn lover I ever had".

The old woman who is hard at hearing says, "what?"

The husband leans over and says, "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

A young family moved into a house that was next door to an empty plot of land

Not long after, a group of builders turned up to start building on the plot.

The family's five-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking to the workmen. She hung around and eventually the builders adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the girl her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with an envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was listening to the little girl tell her about her “work” on the building site and the fact she had a “pay packet”. “You must have worked very hard to earn all this,” said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, “Yes, I worked every day with Gary, Kevin and Bob. We're building a big house.”

“Oh wow,” said the cashier, “and will you be working on the house again next week?”

The child thought for a moment. Then replied: “I hope so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks.”

A guy's phone rings in the gym

A guy is pushing through his usual workout routine in the gym when the phone goes off.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey! I just saw that dress I wanted -- it's on sale for only $2,000! We can save almost 900 dollars! Can we get it, pleeeease?"

"Sure honey, anything you want."

"Oh my god, really? Thank you!!!! And the man at the Lexus dealership called and says he can give it to us for $90,000. What should I tell him?"

"Sure honey, sounds good. Make sure everything is included."

"Wow you mean it?! You're the best! Oh, and one more thing! They called about the house again, they are asking for $400,000."

"Tell them $380,000 and see what they say."

"Wow!! Okay!! Thank you sooooo much, I love you honey! I'll see you when I get home -- in our brand new Lexus~!"

"Sounds great. I love you too, honey. Talk to you later. Bye bye."

The man hangs up, finishes his set, and after a moment he stands up and says, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.

Why Won't Apple Fix The iPhone's One Huge Design Flaw?


Why Won't Apple Fix The iPhone's One Huge Design Flaw?
If Apple focused on building a more rugged product, it could likely make an unbreakable — or at least far less breakable — iPhone screen.

August 30, 2016 at 08:40PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2byQtih

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

The deeply religious Jim and Joan are freshly married

As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him "No, that's not the right hole."

"How would you know?" Asks Jim

"I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done so I could stay away from it and be wise and virtuous."

"Well that's weird." says Jim. "When we had that discussion, Father Henry put it in my ass."

Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."

"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."

"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 8, 2016

There was an accident at the clinic and my wife's blood tests got mixed up. She's either got Altzheimers or Aids...

I begged the doctor for some advice. He thought for a little bit and said. There's a special clinic about six miles down the road. You could drop her there...

"Will they cure her?"

"No they won't, but if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane..

A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.

What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile!

A guy was nailing his interview

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

A plane was going down

You have the pope, a preist, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The preist responds "Do you think we have time?"

A black man walks into a bar...

A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

"That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?"

"Africa," replied the parrot.

Dave cannot make his wife cum, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"

"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"

"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."

So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.

Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave's mrs. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"

Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

The Girlfriend Joke

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.

Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"

And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.

So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."

"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."

So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."

So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."

So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.

A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."

So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.

So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.

So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."

I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow

So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."

"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"

"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."

"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"

"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."

"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."

I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.

So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.

Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.

Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.

And it begs the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Girlfriend says "I feel fat and ugly. I need you to pay me a compliment"

"Your eyesight is fucking perfect!"

4 Millennial Men with 4 Very Different Incomes Open Up About the Lives They Can Afford


4 Millennial Men with 4 Very Different Incomes Open Up About the Lives They Can Afford
What's it like to make $1.5 million at 30? Or living at the poverty line at 28? Esquire interview four millennial men making very different amounts.

August 29, 2016 at 11:43PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2bu8nUl

What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?

A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole..

..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "Gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"

Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish"

Mr. Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?" Susie replies, "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you only get stoned once.

Edit: Please take this with humor, its just a joke.

What's the difference between jesus and a hooker?

The noises they make as you're nailing them

Two men contracted to paint a small community church.

Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter eachtime it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of thesteeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down.

As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

I’ve just been fired from my job at the clock-making factory…

...must have been all those extra hours I've been putting in.

Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 8, 2016

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Potential employee: Shape shifting.

Interviewer: Really?

Interviewer: Yes.

Interviewer: Shit.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.

A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...

She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"

He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm dead."

The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"

The man says, "I should have taken the money."

Son of a Bitch

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years......

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

I discovered I have a fetish for figuring things out. (X-post /r/puns)

I came to the realization.

A guy walks into a pub...

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

A Jewish Redditor made a foreskin joke.

[removed]

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

A Powerful Russian Weapon: The Spread of False Stories


A Powerful Russian Weapon: The Spread of False Stories
The Soviet Union devoted considerable resources to spreading false stories. But now disinformation is regarded as an important aspect of Russian military doctrine, and it's disseminated with far greater sophistication and volume than ever before.

August 29, 2016 at 12:04AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2bIE6Pp

The man who invented anagrams has died.

May he erect a penis.

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

The court has decided you guilty of clickbait and has sentenced you to death by the electric chair...

... What happens next will shock you

My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."

I wish I'd thought of that quote.

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.

What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked?

She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist."

Their words not mine

Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 8, 2016

Being Muslim is tough

Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...

The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits.

Girls are like blackjack…

I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

Why did the redneck cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Theres one thing that you can't say on Reddit:

[removed]

What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

Reintarnation.

I told my husband I'm pregnant.

He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....” “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks. The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper.”

The Great Big Story is curating Digg today. Check out their picks.


The Great Big Story is curating Digg today. Check out their picks.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

August 27, 2016 at 07:03PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2bHC57y

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old man, being persistent said "Fine, $1,000 dollars to lick your nipples! That's a fair offer."

To which the lady replied "What kind of woman do you think I am? Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!"

The old man, still not giving up, says "$10,000 dollars to lick your nipples, final offer!"

The lady's eyes got huge and she said "Well.... 10 grand is a lot of money....I guess if no one was around us then maybe...."

The old man says "Great! Let's just go back behind this bar where nobody is and then we'll be out of sight!"

The old man leads the beautiful lady to the back of the bar.

She says, "Let's get this over with."

She drops down her dress far enough to where her breasts are fully exposed.

The old man starts squeezing on them, rubbing his face all over and in between them, pinching the nipples softly with his fingers and kissing all over her breasts.

She finally speaks up and says, "Are you going to lick my nipples or not? Let's get this over with!"

The old man replied, "Nope! Too expensive!"

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

What do you call a homosexual Frenchman?

A faguette.

Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 8, 2016

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?

The bystander with the camera.

As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I am forever in your debt.

A man goes to church

And tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.

So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".

"That should have worked", said the friend."

He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

Confucius Say

Man who run behind car get exhausted

But man who run in front of car get tired

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

One.

But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.

'Do Not Touch'

Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

A Redditor walks into a bar

He cries out in pain.

His friend asks, "How did you even walk into that? You've encountered this hundreds of times before!"

The Redditor replies, "Well, not really? It seemed like a new post."

http://ift.tt/2bLvyHL


http://ift.tt/2bLvyHL
Stephen Bannon’s enrollment is an apparent violation of crucial swing state’s election law requiring voters to be legal residents of county they register in.

August 26, 2016 at 08:15PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2bLvyHL

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet.

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.

A kid gets in a taxi

The taxi driver tries to be funny and jokes with the kid, also making fun of him.

If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?

An idiot, answers the kid.

The driver starts laughing

If your dad was a retard, what would you be?

A retard, answers the kid.

If your dad was a retard and your mom was an idiot, what would you be?

A taxi driver, answers the kid

How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up?

The rest of your life.

Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 8, 2016

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.

Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?"

The first logician says: "I don't know."

The second logician says: "I don't know."

The third logician says: "Yes."

A man accidentally rear-ended a car

The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."

The man responds: "Then which one are you?"

Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter?

Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.

I was having sex with my girlfriend, and thought I'd try something new

so I stopped and completely froze in motion. She asked me "What the hell are you doing?" I said " a move I saw on pornhub.. it's called buffering"

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.

If your coffee tastes like mud...

It's probably fresh ground...

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

Saw a guy about to jump off a bridge

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said: "Yes."

I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off ;)

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.

"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.

I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:

"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."

I Just got fired from the orange juice factory.

They said I could not concentrate

"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer."

Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

I was suddenly awoken with a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

What Donald Trump Knew About Undocumented Workers at His Signature Tower


What Donald Trump Knew About Undocumented Workers at His Signature Tower
Donald Trump has long denied knowingly employing illegal workers that helped to demolish the building that would be replaced by Trump Tower, but recently revealed documents show that he knowingly sought out the workers and paid them illegal wages.

August 25, 2016 at 11:37PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2biuiZ5

I was viewing a house being sold by a native american

i asked him if it came with running water,

He said 'no, get your own wife'

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

My wife just asked me what I want for Father's Day this year...

"A blowjob," I replied.
"Haha," she replied. "But what do you want from your daughter?"
I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"

"Yeah, 5 kilograms"

Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 8, 2016

My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again".

Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes.

"How about this?" he asks, "A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an old monastery..."

"Heard it.", interrupts the redditor. "It's reposted every month."

The bartender apologies and starts scrolling on his phone for a few more minutes.

"Ooh, here we go, so a blonde shows up at a rich guy's doorstep asking if she can do any chores for cash..."

"Heard it!!", the redditor snaps. "that's reposted every week!"

The bartender is flustered but tries again, furiously browsing the subreddit. "Aha! This one is sure to impress. What's the difference between Donald Trump's hair and a thong?"

"No, no, no!!!", the redditor cries out. "That joke is reposted every day!"

"OK, OK, please give me one more try", the bartender pleads. He scrolls furiously through his phone. "Nope... nope... nope... YES!! This is a great one!"

"OK, lay it on me", the redditor asks eagerly.

"Here it is", the bartender replies. "So a redditor walks into a bar..."


Edit: initially screwed up the Donald Trump joke. Embarrassing, since I see it every day.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.

Racecar spelt backwards is still racecar

But racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died

I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit

Now I know it's true.

A Texan says to a Harvard student...

Texan: where are ya from?

Harvard Student: well, where i'm from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.

Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, jackass?

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.

The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

The best 100 films of the 21st century, according to 177 film critics around the world


The best 100 films of the 21st century, according to 177 film critics around the world
Is  "Mulholland Drive," David Lynch’s unsettling, hallucinatory meditation on Hollywood culture, really the best film of this century so far? According to 177 of the world’s foremost movie experts, yes. Yes it is.

August 24, 2016 at 10:59PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2btmYgi

How do you make holy water?

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist.

How many Grateful Dead Fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just watch it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 8, 2016

What is the hardest thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

I'm going to hell..

Lover's Lane

A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.

The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"

"I'm reading a book sir."

"Uh-huh. And what’s she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.

"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."

With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"

"I'm 20."

"And how old is she?"

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."

Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

A black kid and his father are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.

"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced we were forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."

The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. "We are not African Americans."

Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."

The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. "No son we are not black."

Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."

Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "No son were not colored." "But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?" "Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!"

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.'

We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

A young man walks into a bar

And sees a horse.

Young man: 'Why the long face?'

Horse: 'Women. The ones I like anyways.

Young man: 'Why? What's the problem? What kind of women do you like?'

Horse: 'I like my women like I like my coffee.'

Young Man: 'Ground up and in the freezer?'

Horse: 'N..What? No! Sweet and strong you freak.'

Two scientists walk in...

Horse: 'Hey guys, first one's on me. What'll it be?'

Scientist 2: 'We'll both have water thanks.'

Scientist 1 to Young Man: 'What's eating you?'

Young Man: 'I just found out my girlfriend's dad is a pharmacist.'

A dentist walks in.

Dentist: 'Drinks all round. I'm just back from a great safari holiday.'

Horse: 'I hope you were just shooting with a camera.'

Dentist: 'Don't be Cecilly. Sorry, so silly. Bagged myself some real trophies. Check my facebook."

Just then a chicken pops its head round the door.

Chicken: 'Sorry. Has anyone seen a tomato family walking around here? Sorry to bother you. Sorry.'

Scientist 1: 'Sure. They were across the street about ten minutes ago heading north. If you hurry you'll ketchup.'

Chicken: 'Sorry. Thanks. Sorry again. I have to go now. Sorry.'

Scientist 2: 'What's his deal?'

Horse: 'He's Canadian. Good guy.'

A screeching sound comes from outside followed by the unmistakable sound of a bus hitting a chicken.

*In heaven

St Peter: 'Look chicken, it's been a busy century, I've been whizzing round trying to find priests and lawyers for some young couple, some idiot just got in, the devil nabbed our only engineer, and to top it off some nuns have just been washing various body parts in the holy bowl. Do you mind waiting?'

Chicken: 'Yeah, no. Super sorry about all that. I'll just head down these stairs and go to hell so you can have a better morning. Sorry again. B-bye.'

St.Peter : 'Thanks man.'

The chicken heads for the stairs...

St.Peter: 'Next. Name and manner of death.'

Next in line: 'Harambe. I dunno what happened man. I was trying hug this kid who tried to jump me and the next thing I know I'm stood behind that chicken and that guy who died in the refridgerator.'

St. Peter: 'Ok, let me just check your lie clock.....'

Edit: Wow! 5k upvotes and a gold! Inbox battered. Thanks.

A time traveller walks into a bar.

Donald Trump Jacked Up His Campaign’s Trump Tower Rent Once Somebody Else Was Paying It


Donald Trump Jacked Up His Campaign’s Trump Tower Rent Once Somebody Else Was Paying It
After bragging for a year about how cheaply he was running his campaign, Donald Trump is spending more freely now that other people are contributing ― particularly when the beneficiary is himself.

August 23, 2016 at 07:22PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2bvVy6L

I broke my finger today...

but on the other hand..I'm completely fine!

ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"

Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 8, 2016

Another lady goes to a pet shop...

And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, "I want this parrot. How much is it for?"

The shop owner says, "2000 dollars"

The lady says, "I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?"

Shop owner says, "Lady, this parrot is called Mickey and it talks. A lot. Go ahead ask it something."

The lady asks the parrot - "Hello Mickey, what do you think of me?"

The parrot says - "I think you're a cum-hungry whore, bitch!"

The lady is offended and says, "No way am I taking such a potty-mouth parrot."

The shop owner intervenes with "Lady, please give me 10 minutes and I will ensure Mickey behaves."

The shop owner then takes the parrot to the back of the store, brings out a pale of water, dunks Mickey in and asks "Are you going to fucking swear again?"

Mickey says, "Sure as fuck I will, you piece of shit!"

The shop owner then gets another bucket full of ice water, dunks Mickey in for 15 seconds and says, "How about now, fuckwit?"

Mickey goes, "I have learned my lesson, master. Please don't ever do that to me again. I shall be civil for the rest of my days."

The shop owner then brings Mickey back out and tells the lady, "I have cured him. You can test."

The lady then says, "Mickey, what will you say if I come home with a man?"

Mickey says, "That you have come home with your husband."

The lady asks again, "And what if I come home with two men?"

Mickey says, "That you are having a family dinner with your husband and your brother."

The lady then asks, "And what if I come home with three men?"

Mickey says, "Bro you better fetch that bucket of ice-water, I told you the bitch is a fucking whore."

The Truth About Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says “You must be a manager.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

saw a chameleon today

So it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon

The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?

Dos

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic?

He needed to change attire.

(I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

The Uber Killer: The Real Story of One Night of Terror


The Uber Killer: The Real Story of One Night of Terror
On a Saturday evening in February, a 45-year-old Uber driver and father of two named Jason Dalton got into his car, left his home near Kalamazoo, Michigan, and began shooting people. But the strangest, most unfathomable thing about the night that Dalton killed and killed again is what he did in between.

August 22, 2016 at 09:34PM
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Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny

they just don't work.

I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...

It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt

You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,

"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

"Johnny," he says.

"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people.

Then the grenade exploded.

Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 8, 2016

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven....

The Lord comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates! Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud! Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

Most of the jokes posted here are like gay muslims

Beaten to death.

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"  The cowboy thinks for a moment and then responds, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.  Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."  The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"  The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.  Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."  The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"  The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.  The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, dammit! P-O-S-S-E!"

My town's population never changes

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?", asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Not OC of course, but I haven't seen this posted here yet.]

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

Guy dies in a car crash...

...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head.

"What's that mean?" the guy says.

"You gotta go down," Saint Peter says.

The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval shaped room with red velvet carpet and good music playing at a comfortable level. The room is filled with a hundred or so of the best looking people the guy's ever seen, men in tuxedos, women in fantastic gowns. He steps into the room and sees the room is lined with leather couches, and waitresses are walking around and handing out champagne. Completely taken aback, the guy decides to go sit on one of the couches, alone, and watch.

After fifteen minutes of watching, the elevator opens and a seven-foot tall goatee'd man in a red tuxedo steps out and starts glad-handing everyone. The guy notices he has small horns on his forehead and a tail out the back of the tuxedo. The red tuxedo'd man comes over and shakes the guy's hand. He says, "Hey glad you made it! Welcome to Hell. I'm Satan. If there's anything I can do for you to make your stay comfortable, let me know."

Still stunned, the guy nods and continues to sit while Satan goes off to talk to others. He notices the room is walled with tinted glass, but beyond the glass, he can make out fire, brimstone, and shadowed human figures writhing in agony.

When Satan comes back over to the newly deceased guy, he says, "Hey, I hope you're enjoying your first day here. Is there anything I can get for you? Champagne? Cocaine?"

The guy shakes his head and says, "Uh, no, thanks, but I was wondering... what's with all the people out in the fire? They're in agony."

Satan ahs and nods. "Those are the Christians. They wouldn't have it any other way."

The Oral History of Santana's "Smooth" Featuring Rob Thomas


The Oral History of Santana's "Smooth" Featuring Rob Thomas
Whether you love it or hate it, “Smooth” remains a career defining moment for both Santana and Thomas, and continues to evoke strong and passionate reactions seventeen years later. Here now is the untold and often harrowing story of how “Smooth” came to be, in the words of those who lived through the life-changing experience.

August 21, 2016 at 10:15PM
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They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer....

So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

A guy walks into a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and sais "Who's the one that had sex with my wife?!"

A voice was heard in the backround, "You don't have enough bullets on you mate!".

What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

Remorse code

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida...

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir." she said "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do." he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book.

"Yes, I do." he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.

(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

Why does Kylo Ren never get girls?

Becasue for most of his life he's Ben Solo

Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!

Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 8, 2016

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

An engineer goes to hell...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Studies find if a woman has a glass of wine a day increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her have more she might suck it too.

Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm

Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

Everybody is trying to make Harambe jokes, and they are all really bad...

But I'm going to take a shot at it.

A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:

-Why... is noone... in the shop...

I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

My horse was way more aggressive than usual today

it threw me off

Three engineers are riding in a car.

One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer. The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road. "Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time." "Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two." "Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"

Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike." Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

Popular Mechanics is guest curating Digg today. Check out their picks.


Popular Mechanics is guest curating Digg today. Check out their picks.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

August 20, 2016 at 06:51PM
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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food! So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

What?

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

I don't understand

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

Socialism jokes are only funny...

...if everybody gets them.

I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?

It's not hard.

Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 8, 2016

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

A Dad picks his son up from school

Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?

Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

Anal sex is just like your first car

You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway

Have you heard about the girl with a hereditary disease that gives her diarrhea?

It runs in her jeans.

I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London......

.......when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "You're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody has been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Why can't I date?

I kid wen't to his father and asked,
"Daddy, I fell in love and wan't to date this nice girl"

Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"

Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister.

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

"Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"

(fairly gosh darn NSFW) Yeah, so, I'm a necrophiliac, right...

.....I had a girlfriend, but the rotten cunt split on me.

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

I started a business...

I started a business selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

This is my stepladder...

I never knew my real ladder.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says No Tres passing

What's does a black man have in common with a tornado?

It only takes one to ruin a good neighbourhood

Gawker must have been playing The Oregon Trail

'cause they just died of dissin' Terry.

Dee Dee Wanted Her Daughter To Be Sick, Gypsy Wanted Her Mom Murdered


Dee Dee Wanted Her Daughter To Be Sick, Gypsy Wanted Her Mom Murdered
Dee Dee Blancharde was a model parent: a tireless single mom taking care of her gravely ill child. But after Dee Dee was killed, it turned out things weren’t as they appeared — and her daughter Gypsy had never been sick at all.

August 19, 2016 at 08:32PM
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Welfare Cheque

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . .

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected?

[removed]

A radio station was having a contest to see who could come up with a new word

Host: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

Host: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”

Host: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”

The host cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

Host: “96 FM, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”

Host: “Jeff, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”

Host: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic.....

But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 8, 2016

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won...

Local paper read: "KING'S ASS WON"..

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the queen .

The local news paper then reads: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.

Next day paper read:"QUEEN SOLD HER ASS FOR 10$"

The next day the king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in the jungle.

The next headline was: "THE QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE AND WILD"

I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said: "Thank you." I said: "Don't mention it."

A man with two friends

A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks. A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says " this is who you will spend eternity with". A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says "this is who you will spend eternity with". After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can't believe it and says " what could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman". The woman says "I don't know all I did was step on a duck"

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

19 and 20 got in a fight

21

A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

Why do spies never use capitalization?

They like to stay low-key.

Sex Ed in 2016

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

Justice Department says it will end use of private prisons


Justice Department says it will end use of private prisons
The Justice Department plans to end its use of private prisons after officials concluded the facilities are both less safe and less effective at providing correctional services than those run by the government.

August 19, 2016 at 02:19AM
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If you can't beat them

What's the point of having children?

Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves

If someone who speaks 2 languages is Bilingual, whats someone who speaks 1 called?

American.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone and do anything you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Taylor Swift" and poof! she's gone.

The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone.

The third says, "I want-a to be Alberto Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Alberto Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Alberta Pipeline laid by 800 men in 6 months'! "

Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#.

what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

If I Cuold Time Travel

I would fix the title.

Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 8, 2016

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to pray, as his mum leaves the room. Just as she is about to close the door Jonny asks, "mum, will God really give me my sight?". "Yes Jonny, but only if you pray extra hard". An hour or so later, the mum pops her head around the door and sees Jonny still praying, "Oh God. Please let me see. I want to see my mummy for the very first time. I am sure that she's the prettiest mummy in the whole wide world." A few more hours later the mother goes into Jonny's room and sees him slumped over the bed, hands still clasped together. She puts him to bed.

The following day the mother gets up early and rushes to her sons room where he's still sleeping. She covers his eyes with her hands and gently wakes him. Super excited Jonny says to his mum, "mummy move your hands, I want to see, I want to see".

"Are you ready Jonny?" The mum replies.

""Yes, yes mummy. Move your hands". So the mother removes her hands. Jonny blinks and opens his eyes. "Mummy, mummy, I still can't see. Oh, mummy does God hate me? Mummy I can't see".

Jonny's mum beams a great big smile and says "April fools".

My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

I actually have a good Japanese joke.

Anime'd it myself.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

A man who just died.....

.......is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

A father wants to have "the" talk with his 14 year old son

'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!'

The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells:

'No! I don't wanna know!'

'But why not?' asks the father, surprised.

'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be really pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

what did the frog say after he finished his book?

Reddit.

How Imperfections Could Bring Down The World’s Most Perfect Statue


How Imperfections Could Bring Down The World’s Most Perfect Statue
"My obsession with the flaws, reproductions and potential collapse of Michelangelo’s masterpiece."

August 17, 2016 at 09:44PM
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My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman

I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.

He can binomial.

A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: Winks at God and slips him a $20 note

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

you have a very nice house

A man goes to doctor complaining about migraines.

His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my dear wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should also try it."

Two weeks later, the patient tells doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

Curiosity killed the cat...

NASA sincerely apologizes...

Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 8, 2016

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Today a man knocked on my door

...and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar ransom, or else they will douse him in gasoline and burn him alive! We are going car to car asking for a contribution."

"Oh Dear!" I exclaimed. "What is the average contribution people are giving to this great and noble cause?"

"About a gallon, sir"

Two statues in a park.....

.....one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."

"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks."

How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.

The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket

Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket

All the organs of the body were having a meeting

...trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him. So in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. So they all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work...an Asshole is usually in charge!!

My attempt to justifying the time I spend here.

Wife: I think my husband has alzheimer's.

Doc: Is he forgetting names?

Wife: No

Doc: Is he getting lost in familiar environments?

Wife: No

Doc: Is he forgetting to turn off the TV or stove?

Wife: No

Doc: Then why do you think he has alzheimer's?

Wife: Every day he goes to r/jokes.

Doc: Is this a new occurrence?

Wife: No, but he is laughing at the jokes.

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

How many "Suh dudes" does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Cuz it's already lit fam

My first original joke.

What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous??

It fro's up.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me...

...to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

The media vs. Donald Trump: why the press feels so free to criticize the Republican nominee


The media vs. Donald Trump: why the press feels so free to criticize the Republican nominee
Slowly but surely, the media has turned on Trump. He still gets wall-to-wall coverage, but that coverage is overwhelmingly negative, and increasingly, the press doesn’t even pretend to treat Trump like a normal candidate

August 17, 2016 at 01:55AM
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