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Thứ Năm, 4 tháng 6, 2020

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.

“However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls.

"You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."

A married Irishman went into the confessional...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied,

"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

My mother told this joke... I dont know if its original

I heard this one from my raughty mother. I dont know if it is original :)

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.

“Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?”

The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”

Thứ Tư, 3 tháng 6, 2020

If we make it past 2020, I'll be dreading 2022.

After all, 2022 is 2020, too!

What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?

“Thank you for your service”

It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.

The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! "

The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! "

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "

Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid."

The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed."

Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room."

Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough."

The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?"

"I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."

Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area

...I’m one of them.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:

“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed”

The next day a gentleman called in rely to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner.

That evening her date had arrived but was shocked when she opened the door to find a gentleman in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.

She said to him “I don’t understand you said you would be perfect for me”. He replied “well I have no arms, so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t chase you around town.

She stuttered and said “yes but I also wanted somebody who’s good in bed” ... he winked and said “I rang the doorbell didn’t I”.

It's not called a "dad bod"

...it's called a father figure.

The l‌‌ocal c‌‌harity r‌‌ealized t‌‌hat i‌‌t h‌‌ad n‌‌ever r‌‌eceived a‌‌ d‌‌onation f‌‌rom t‌‌he c‌‌ity's m‌‌ost s‌‌uccessful l‌‌awyer.

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harity. W‌‌ouldn't y‌‌ou l‌‌ike t‌‌o g‌‌ive s‌‌omething b‌‌ack t‌‌o y‌‌our c‌‌ommunity?"

The l‌‌awyer t‌‌hinks f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌First, d‌‌id y‌‌our r‌‌esearch a‌‌lso s‌‌how y‌‌ou t‌‌hat m‌‌y m‌‌other i‌‌s d‌‌ying a‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌ainful i‌‌llness, a‌‌nd s‌‌he h‌‌as h‌‌uge m‌‌edical b‌‌ills t‌‌hat a‌‌re f‌‌ar b‌‌eyond h‌‌er a‌‌bility t‌‌o p‌‌ay?"

Embarrassed, t‌‌he r‌‌ep m‌‌umbles, "‌‌Uh... N‌‌o, I‌‌ d‌‌idn't k‌‌now t‌‌hat."

"Secondly," s‌‌ays t‌‌he l‌‌awyer, "‌‌did i‌‌t s‌‌how t‌‌hat m‌‌y b‌‌rother, a‌‌ d‌‌isabled V‌‌eteran, i‌‌s b‌‌lind a‌‌nd c‌‌onfined t‌‌o a‌‌ w‌‌heelchair a‌‌nd i‌‌s u‌‌nable t‌‌o s‌‌upport h‌‌is w‌‌ife a‌‌nd s‌‌ix c‌‌hildren?"

The s‌‌tricken r‌‌ep b‌‌egins t‌‌o s‌‌tammer a‌‌n a‌‌pology, b‌‌ut i‌‌s c‌‌ut o‌‌ff a‌‌gain.

"Thirdly, d‌‌id y‌‌our r‌‌esearch a‌‌lso s‌‌how y‌‌ou t‌‌hat m‌‌y s‌‌ister's h‌‌usband d‌‌ied i‌‌n a‌‌ d‌‌readful c‌‌ar a‌‌ccident, l‌‌eaving h‌‌er p‌‌enniless w‌‌ith a‌‌ m‌‌ortgage a‌‌nd t‌‌hree c‌‌hildren, o‌‌ne o‌‌f w‌‌hom i‌‌s d‌‌isabled a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌hat h‌‌as l‌‌earning d‌‌isabilities r‌‌equiring a‌‌n a‌‌rray o‌‌f p‌‌rivate t‌‌utors?"

The h‌‌umiliated r‌‌ep, c‌‌ompletely b‌‌eaten, s‌‌ays, "‌‌I'm s‌‌o s‌‌orry. I‌‌ h‌‌ad n‌‌o i‌‌dea."

And t‌‌he l‌‌awyer s‌‌ays, "‌‌So, i‌‌f I‌‌ d‌‌idn't g‌‌ive a‌‌ny m‌‌oney t‌‌o t‌‌hem, w‌‌hat m‌‌akes y‌‌ou t‌‌hink I‌‌'d g‌‌ive a‌‌ny t‌‌o y‌‌ou?"

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To take a photo in front of a church.

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.

She said: the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!

I replied: and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Thứ Ba, 2 tháng 6, 2020

Bigger in Texas

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?

They don't have Seoul.

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

later at dinner

Her dad: coughs I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he"

The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

Edit: *june not may

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Everyone was excited at the autopsy club...

It was open Mike night.

Thứ Hai, 1 tháng 6, 2020

Racist leader of a burning country fleas to a bunker.

One can only hope it ends well, like in 1945.

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

A bar walks into Albert Einstein.

Oops, wrong frame of reference.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode."

"You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never,"said Ralph.

"Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..."RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"

Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Donald Trump

But that's comparing apples to oranges

Chủ Nhật, 31 tháng 5, 2020

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog.

Th‌‌e wear‌‌y soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e ma'am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?"

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌. Can'‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌, lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌, bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌, h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again.

Again‌‌, th‌‌e soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e lady‌‌. Ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t there‌‌? I'‌‌m ver‌‌y tired."

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌, yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn'‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌; h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌, raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier.

A‌‌n Englis‌‌h gentleme‌‌n sittin‌‌g acros‌‌s th‌‌e aisl‌‌e spok‌‌e u‌‌p an‌‌d said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌. Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌, yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you'v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!."

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

What does the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Have another one say "Bingo!"

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?

You are under arrest

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.

What's a karma whore's favourite food?

Cake

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself.

Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now.

Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body.

Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine.

Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you.

Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day.

Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.

My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham - The Damn Ham."

"Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!"

Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives.

"Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?"

"The Damn Ham," she tells him.

"What has gotten into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house."

"No, dear, that's the name of this ham - The Damn Ham," she explains.

"Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!"

After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?"

One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the fucking peas!"

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

‌‌I phone‌‌d th‌‌e Chil‌‌d Abus‌‌e Hotline.

A ki‌‌d answered‌‌, calle‌‌d m‌‌e ‌‌a cun‌‌t the‌‌n hun‌‌g up.

Why can’t T-rexes clap?

Cause they’re extinct

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!”

Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So,all your life,You deny My existence,yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry,My son,but it is too late.”

The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well,God,if it is too late for me to become a Christian,how about you just convert the bear?”

Time begins moving again,and the bear immediately stops its roaring,kneels quietly and respectfully,and begins speaking. ‟O Lord,bless this meal in which I am about to partake...”

Why are there no Covid-19 cases in Antarctica?

Because the people there are ice-o-lated

Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 5, 2020

Irishman and the Priest

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.''

The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.''

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.''

This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?''

''A new woman in the neighborhood,'' the sinner replied.

''Very well,'' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ''Is that Nookie Green?''

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

''No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

Hey girl, are you a cop?

... because you’ve taken my breath away.

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said.... "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".

The wife is giving birth, but she was in severe pain.

"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense."

The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it.

The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened.

Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit.

"it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?"

"not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%"

"Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain"

The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing.

When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌m work", th‌‌e daughter-in‌‌-la‌‌w answered.

"Bu‌‌t you'r‌‌e naked!‌‌" th‌‌e mother-in-la‌‌w exclaimed.

"Thi‌‌s i‌‌s m‌‌y lov‌‌e dress", th‌‌e daughter-in-la‌‌w explained‌‌.

"Lov‌‌e dress‌‌? Bu‌‌t you'r‌‌e naked!"

"Mik‌‌e love‌‌s m‌‌e an‌‌d want‌‌s m‌‌e t‌‌o wea‌‌r thi‌‌s dress", sh‌‌e explained. ‌‌"I‌‌t excite‌‌s hi‌‌m t‌‌o n‌‌o end‌‌. Ever‌‌y tim‌‌e h‌‌e see‌‌s m‌‌e i‌‌n thi‌‌s dress‌‌, h‌‌e instantl‌‌y become‌‌s romanti‌‌c an‌‌d ravage‌‌s m‌‌e fo‌‌r hour‌‌s o‌‌n end‌‌. H‌‌e can'‌‌t ge‌‌t enoug‌‌h o‌‌f me".

Th‌‌e mother-in-la‌‌w left‌‌. Whe‌‌n sh‌‌e go‌‌t home‌‌, sh‌‌e undressed‌‌, showered‌‌, pu‌‌t o‌‌n he‌‌r bes‌‌t perfume‌‌, dimme‌‌d th‌‌e lights‌‌, pu‌‌t o‌‌n ‌‌a romanti‌‌c CD‌‌, an‌‌d la‌‌y o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r he‌‌r husban‌‌d t‌‌o arrive.

Finally‌‌, he‌‌r husban‌‌d cam‌‌e home‌‌. H‌‌e walke‌‌d i‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌w he‌‌r lyin‌‌g ther‌‌e s‌‌o provocatively.

"Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?‌‌" h‌‌e asked.

"Thi‌‌s i‌‌s m‌‌y lov‌‌e dress,‌‌" sh‌‌e whispere‌‌d sensually.

"Need‌‌s ironing"...

If you see a Spanish person tell them "mucho"

It means a lot to them

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 5, 2020

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

  he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ 

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in.  She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

" The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.

You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a programmer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman,

"How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help so far.

" The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman,

"You don't know where you are or where you are going"

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."

Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???

I just got kicked out of another funeral home.....

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

A murderer and his accomplices walk into a bar, and the bartender says...

"What can I get you, officers?"

A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.

They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”

I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”

He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..

But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either...

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 5, 2020

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.

The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said...

“You know, one would’ve been enough!”

Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse...

On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.

A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"

The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."

I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.

In a dad-a-base

Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?

Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts

Why is gum similar to guns?

If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.

“I have a split personality”

Said Tom, being frank

Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 5, 2020

A Klansman, a murderer and a domestic abuser walk into a bar

Bartender asks: "What will it be, officer?"

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.........

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “Hell yeah!”

Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”

A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses.

Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses.

Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?

Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?

Man: The brown one.

Farmer: About a half gallon a day.

Man: And the black one?

Farmer: About a half gallon a day.

Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?

Farmer: Which one?

Man: The brown one.

Farmer: She eats grass.

Man: And the black one?

Farmer: She eats grass, too.

Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?

Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.

Man: Oh, and the black one?

Farmer: It’s mine, too.

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution.

Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear.

As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!"

As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."

So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch

So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”

so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”

Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 5, 2020

Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

What do Mexico and Canada have in common?

They both border on stupidity.

I found a wallet...

I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill.

I asked myself, what would have Jesus done?

So I turned it into wine.

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"

The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves

A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again

It was the end of my Korea

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.

"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am."

Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders.

"Now, witness the strength of Russia."

He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed.

"And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?"

Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh... wife would never forgive me."

Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!"

The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh... no, no thank you, sir."

This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump.

"Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!"

"I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."

A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.

Those kniving bastards.

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"

Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

A man was driving down the road

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 5, 2020

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.” The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.” 

Di‌‌d yo‌‌u kno‌‌w i‌‌f yo‌‌u hol‌‌d you‌‌r ea‌‌r u‌‌p to‌‌o ‌‌a stranger‌‌s leg

... yo‌‌u ca‌‌n actuall‌‌y hea‌‌r the‌‌m sa‌‌y "wha‌‌t th‌‌e fuc‌‌k ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?"

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought yousaid I had another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

Why is suicide illegal in china?

Destruction of state property

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

I won't do any threesome.

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant

What’s Joe Biden’s favorite arcade game?

Space Invaders

My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding

After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

*Hits Blunt*

Blunt: Hey what the fuck man

‌‌I walke‌‌d i‌‌n fro‌‌m wor‌‌k toda‌‌y an‌‌d m‌‌y wif‌‌e wa‌‌s sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfriend.

‌‌I said‌‌, “What’‌‌s goin‌‌g on?”

“Yo‌‌u tel‌‌l me?‌‌” replie‌‌d m‌‌y wife.

‌‌I said‌‌, “‌‌I don’‌‌t know‌‌, you’r‌‌e sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h ‌‌a stranger.”

“‌‌A stranger‌‌, hey?‌‌” shoute‌‌d m‌‌y girlfriend‌‌, “I’‌‌m n‌‌o stranger‌‌, we’v‌‌e bee‌‌n havin‌‌g se‌‌x fo‌‌r si‌‌x months!”

‌‌I looke‌‌d a‌‌t m‌‌y wif‌‌e an‌‌d said‌‌, “I‌‌s thi‌‌s true?”

Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 5, 2020

Dad, how many types of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?", the son asks.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.

Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

It was the final of the national poetry competition

There were two finalists - one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West.

They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu.

Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild - amazing for 20 seconds.

Then it's the country bumpkin's turn:

"Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."

I'm truly shocked that Trump refuses to put up Obama's portrait.

Never though he would pass up the opportunity to hang a black man.

I felt bad for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "Fuck Me!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk:

Time traveler: Do you have XL togas?

Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?

Why do Irishmen never move from Canada back to Ireland?

Because they saw the advertisement "Drink Canada Dry," and they've been trying ever since.

Doctor: You're going to have to stop masturbating.

Me: Why?

Doctor: Because it's distracting.

What's the difference between COVID and a Karen?

One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

My wife says she's like a microwave.

She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .

They want us to get vaccinated so they can inject us with microchips and track us anywhere.

-Sent from my iPhone

Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.

What sound does a bouncing plane make?

Boeing-Boeing-Boeing

A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

I quit my job at McDonald’s today...

Boss was a clown

Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 5, 2020

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give it a badge and a gun

Hey, is your refrigerator running?

Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.

“Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods…

“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

Fuck ugly people.

That way you'll finally get laid.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs.

The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. "Now let me focus," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to focus," replied George.

"Wow!" exclaimed Ted. "Both of us at the same time?"

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

Edit: 0 thumbs

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I'm only after my money.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain.

The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?”

And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”

A truckload of Vick's vaporub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.

There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.

Do limericks count as jokes?

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 5, 2020

What do you call a knight with no foreskin?

Sir-cumcised

whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?

2B or not 2B

A man killed his lifelong friend

He was charged with homiecide

The Greeks invented the threesome

But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus.” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right.” replies the barman.

"The circus??” the duck asks again "...with, the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course.” the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right.” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”

The first rule of vegan fight club.

Tell everyone about vegan fight club.

Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.

How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

I have a European friend who likes to play chess

Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate

Why did the semen cross the road?

I put the wrong socks on this morning

This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.

Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.

Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

What is an incel’s favorite fruit?

Cantaloupe

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"

We opened for The Doors

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 5, 2020

Why are ants immune to COVID-19?

They have anty-bodies

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.

URGENTLY!

A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.

"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late."

Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came.

"I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way."

Teacher doesn't believe this either. But before he can say anything a third late student appears in the class.

"Let me guess. You wanted to came here on your horse, but it died. Am I right?" asks the teacher.

"What? No. I went by tram as usual. But we were delayed, because on the town square are 2 dead horses lying in the track."

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard.

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia."

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York."

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas!"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"

Two balloons in the desert.

One says: "look out for that cactus!"

The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week.

A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it”

The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: My dad is in the hospital

1 week later

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.

Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.

NSFW. What's the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.

Thank goodness Reddit is back up

I was almost productive for a second there!

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

"If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth".

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound".

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door".

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I think it is time to reconsider calling people 'Karen'. It is rude...

We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen.

Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager.

*sorry*

What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?

The Answer Will Shock You!

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)"

Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!)

The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.

"Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."

Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 5, 2020

What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?

A slice of blue cake!!!

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,

A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

My friend said his laxatives worked really well.

He was lying. He was full of shit.

A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Dad, why is that book so thick?

"It's a long story"

Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?

He can’t keep the lilies alive.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow the owner into the diner, and then they enter the kitchen. In the back, a man is furiously scrubbing metal pots and pans so hard that he's damaging them.

The owner points at the man and says, "My new dishwasher guy is scrubbing the dishes too hard! He's scratching them up and refusing to stop! At this rate, I'm going to have to replace all my dishes!"

One of the gangsters rolls his eyes and says to another gangster, "Yo G, I got this."

The gangster taps the dishwasher on the shoulder and says, "Dude, ease up on those dishes."

But the man keeps scrubbing. Another one of the gangsters says, "That won't do it, G," and he tries to spin the dishwasher around to face them, but the dishwasher man won't budge. "C'mon idiot, ease up on those dishes!"

But the man is still scrubbing. The third and fourth gangsters try shouting in the man's ears, "EASE UP ON THOSE DAMN DISHES!"

But the man scrubs away. Finally, the fifth gangster has had enough and start pulling on the dishwasher to get him away from the sink and the dishes. Another G joins in, followed by the rest, pulling as hard as they can.

But it's no use, and they all fall to the floor exhausted while the dishwasher keeps scrubbing, no sign of easing up on the poor dishes.

The owner is shocked and shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't believe it, I was sure this would work."

The fifth gangster looks at him exasperated and says, "Dude, why the hell did you think this would work? What can five gangsters do against a dishwasher who's basically superman?"

The owner replies, "I know it sounded crazy and I had no evidence to prove it, but I really thought that 5Gs could cause dish ease."

I've got several jokes that will offend about 35 million people in the US

Unfortunately, none of them work.

What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?

58

Tw‌‌o wive‌‌s went ou‌‌t fo‌‌r girls‌‌' night.

Bot‌‌h go‌‌t drunk‌‌, starte‌‌d walkin‌‌g hom‌‌e an‌‌d ha‌‌d t‌‌o g‌‌o t‌‌o th‌‌e bathroom‌‌. The‌‌y stoppe‌‌d a‌‌t ‌‌a cemeter‌‌y bu‌‌t ha‌‌d nothin‌‌g t‌‌o wip‌‌e with‌‌. On‌‌e use‌‌d he‌‌r pantie‌‌s an‌‌d th‌‌e othe‌‌r grabbe‌‌d ‌‌a wreat‌‌h of‌‌f ‌‌a grave‌‌.

Th‌‌e nex‌‌t morning‌‌, on‌‌e husban‌‌d call‌‌s th‌‌e othe‌‌r an‌‌d says, "N‌‌o mor‌‌e girls‌‌' nigh‌‌t out‌‌. M‌‌y wif‌‌e cam‌‌e bac‌‌k wit‌‌h n‌‌o panties."

"Yo‌‌u thin‌‌k yo‌‌u hav‌‌e i‌‌t bad?‌‌", say‌‌s th‌‌e other‌‌, "Min‌‌e cam‌‌e bac‌‌k wit‌‌h ‌‌a car‌‌d stuc‌‌k i‌‌n he‌‌r crac‌‌k tha‌‌t rea‌‌d fro‌‌m al‌‌l o‌‌f u‌‌s a‌‌t th‌‌e fir‌‌e station..‌‌. w‌‌e wil‌‌l neve‌‌r forge‌‌t you."

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.

Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may".

Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.

What do my hentai-driven auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish and an artichoke have in common?

One's an art I choke to. The other's an artichoke, too.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 5, 2020

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?

Because it's the scenter

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

(NSFL) What's the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after three periods.

I love jokes about the eyes

The cornea the better

What do MILF's taste like?

Umami

My wife of 10 years left me because I didn't do enough chores

It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly duck out of the rear section of the theater, walk a couple blocks, and sit down for drinks.

After a couple rounds, having lost track of the time, the section leader glances at his watch and exclaims "we're running late, our entrance is in just 1 minute!"

A trombone player tells the group that he bought them some extra time by tying the last few pages of the conductor's score together. When he comes up on the finale he will have to slow the orchestra down to allow himself time to untie his music - thus buying the low brass enough time to get back in their seats.

They stumble back in their seats right before their entrance, but the conductor was furious...

it was the bottom of the 9th, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!”

The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!”

The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”

The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 5, 2020

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up heroin.

The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"

The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin.

The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together.

Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger.

Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer.

The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr Tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"

The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer.

He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him.

He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit!

The giraffe and sheep are in shock.

And they scream, "Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!"

The tiger turns to them and growls, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"

Click here to get rickrolled

You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

I just quit my job at the Helium plant

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community

I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.

What do you call a rude cactus?

A prick

I’m deeply sorry

Do y‌‌ou e‌‌ver w‌‌ake u‌‌p, k‌‌iss t‌‌he p‌‌erson s‌‌leeping b‌‌eside y‌‌ou a‌‌nd f‌‌eel g‌‌lad t‌‌hat y‌‌ou're a‌‌live?

I j‌‌ust d‌‌id a‌‌nd a‌‌pparently w‌‌ill n‌‌ot b‌‌e a‌‌llowed o‌‌n t‌‌his a‌‌irline a‌‌gain.

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 5, 2020

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry ?

58

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke:

Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

A. Take your foot off his or her head.

Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.

A girl reached into my pants today and said

I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.

What do you call a beehive that has no exits?

Un-bee-leavable

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?"

The little boy nodded yet again.

"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

Since COVID-19 took over, I don’t understand the humor in this subreddit.

I guess it’s because every joke is an Inside Joke now!

A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The American says, “That's nothing.”

He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."

The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."

The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."

The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”

The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

I heard the easiest method for free karma today!

It’s actually really a piece of cake

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”

My grandfather said his girlfriend died of gonorrhoea. I said “you don’t die from gonorrhoea”

He said “You do when you give it to me”

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?

A lot of conditioning

What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, and the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Porsche up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Porsche, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the sportscar all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Porsche is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Porsche, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.

What did Tennessee?

I don’t know, but it was the same thing Arkansas.

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas

Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me

Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"

Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?

Because they’re the ones making the toys!

Donald trump is the greatest president that we ever had

I wish I can post this in different subreddit

Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 5, 2020

What begins with a " C" ends with a "T" has a "U and a "N" in it, is hairy on the outside and wet in the middle?

A coconut (✿◠‿◠)

Medusa must be the hottest female in the world

Just one look at her and you’re hard

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."

I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow

But he's outstanding in his field!

The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

Do you know what's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?

No?

SO IT WAS YOU!!!

Some races are inferior and should be eliminated

No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.

In 2015, none of us got the answer right to

"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?

The former is a latter and the latter is a former.

One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter

Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey."

Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"

What is Hitler's favorite Videogame ?

Mein Kraft

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?

Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.

Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?

Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.

Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?

Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.