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Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 11, 2019

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

Same old cow

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

r/Jokes A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, ‘Lool Area’

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’.”

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”

Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read: line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM.

Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday

I was having sex with my wife last night...

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.  

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."  

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore

A bee lives in America.

It's a USB.

.. Sorry guys.

PETA is like a box of Chocolates

They kill dogs.

Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaze upon them for eternity.”The Queen said nothing, but hiked up her skirt, pulled down her undies, shook up a bottle of Perrier she had in her handbag, then douched her twat with it.St Peter nodded and let the Queen pass through the pearly gates.“What the fuck is all that about?” yelled the porn star. “I show you two of God’s greatest achievements and NOTHING! That old bitch performs a disgusting act and you let her in?”“Sorry, love,” said St Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair every time.”

I did Nazi that coming

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less"

Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER"

Hitler looks up: "Yes?"

Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 11, 2019

What do you call an explosive monkey?

A baboom

My wife has a tattoo of a sea shell

on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.

Edit: *Father

Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.

Why can't Superman beat Dracula?

Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door.

"$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says.

The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers.

"$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend."

He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end.

A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here."

The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign.

"You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?"

The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me."

The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a single lamp in front of them.

He then says in a sinister voice, " Ve hav vays of making you tock"

A man walks into a bar

He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”

A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Sex with boss

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."

Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.

"So... what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander.

"Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"

"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?"

"Even worse!"

"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?"

"Even worse!"

"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!"

"I buried it alive!"

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :

"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."

"But it's sinful and wicked!"

"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"

"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."

"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"

They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?"

The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.

"Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please."

The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.

I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night...

Everybody came..

You should have seen her face

Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 11, 2019

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'

Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'

Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..

My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.

And she'll kill me if she finds out.

Why do blind people hate skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

If you boil a funny bone...

It becomes a laughing stock.

You better upvote this because...

It’s Humerus.

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

In case you don't know Yoda's last name

It is LAYHEEHOO

What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marx-man

Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 11, 2019

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work... The ass hole is usually in charge.

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

A new element was discovered!

Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction.

They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans.

They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses.

They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade.

And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible.

“What if it only explodes when it’s really cold?”

Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react.

Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of 0 K, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench.

As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, “so what do we name this newfound element?”.

Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion...

“0 K Boomer”

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."

The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.

At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it.

He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."

The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha...thaaa...that's im... immm... imm... po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"

A traveling salesman knocks on a door and a little boy answers.

The boy is wearing a women’s nightgown, drinking brandy from a snifter, and smoking a joint.

Stunned, the salesman says, ‘excuse me, are your parents home?’

The little boy replies, ‘What the fuck do you think?’

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

Sperm count

A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!!

" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could open the jar."

A snake walks into a bar...

The bartender says "How'd you do that?"

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around...

129 bugs in the code.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.

My drug test came back negative..

My dealer has now got some explaining to do.

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.

They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 11, 2019

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped

Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised...

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry I am.

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller

“I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”

“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!

I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.

Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.

At work, I'm known as "Mr. Compromise."

That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

I got gas for $1.39 today

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 11, 2019

Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.”

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.”

The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!”

The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..

The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said "Window or Aisle" ?

I replied "Window or you'll what ?"

Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar...

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence

How do you cut the ocean in half?

A SEA-SAW

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about.

“Well an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled “The Mechanical Properties and Shear Strength Analysis of Joints Fastened By Means of Metallic Slugs Compressed by Pneumatic Tools” the Student replied.

The man’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, “This whole crowd and all that noise, for something that sounds like a snooze fest?” he asked.

The student replied, “Oh don’t let the name fool you. When it comes right down to it, it is simply riveting!”

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..

So I told him, “C4 yourself”

Have you heard about my Jewish friend's foreskin?

[removed]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town

They are most likely going to face time

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 11, 2019

A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past.

She sees him - a small, limbless blob - out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him!

As she approaches he thinks to himself - “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?”

Excitedly, the man responds “no!”

The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?"

The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever."

The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish."

Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life."

The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan."

Dylan said, "No way!"

The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?"

Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves."

Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left.

Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.

She said, "Forty-five."

The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water?

--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night?

--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

...Grasshopper?

--Yes, Master Po.

You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!

When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he's dead,

He's decomposing

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.

They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”

I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”

He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.

I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, but how can that help?"

"Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."

(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks at junior and says “hell yah!” and runs over to the fence. Billy looks back at junior, drops his pants, and then sticks his head in the fence.

What has two thumbs and 100k karma on their cake day?

Not me.

A fisherman walks into r/jokes...

A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.

The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."

"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."

"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.

The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.

The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."

"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street".

"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.

The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.

"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".

"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.

The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."

The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"

The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"

The fisherman nods.

The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.

He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"

The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".

The bartender asks "Why not?"

The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all."

"What about Hampden-Sydney?"

"Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident."

"Well, Alabama has to have something, right?"

"Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"

To the person who lost their iPhone 11...

Please stop calling my new phone.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

(I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)

A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!” The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver!”

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting

I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.

In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing....

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.

Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!"

The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?"

He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."

Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 11, 2019

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.

Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?

Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...

Bartender: What about that eye patch?

Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.

Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?

Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.

Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

I was in a job interview today

When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't.

She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.

Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared"

Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

The FBI had an open position for an assassin...

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said,

"Screw him, give him a dollar."

Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 11, 2019

Why can't two Chinese people have a caucasian child?

...Because two Wongs dont make a White

“Can you please change my grade?”

“Of course,” Tom remarked.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.

Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."

The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher...

I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust.

“Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!”

“Me too”, I replied.

Don't use beefstew as a computer password

It's not stroganoff

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.

A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.

The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.

The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.

“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”

“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.

“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”

“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

This is my horse, Mayo.

Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse?

Mayo: [neighs]

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 11, 2019

Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”

The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”

(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar...

They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round.

It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate"

Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."

After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.

Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits...

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.

The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.

The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.

The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"

The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.

Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"

The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock... "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed...

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought

So this guy walks into a library

He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is still empty handed

At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”

The librarian thinks for a second, than responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet”

He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”

I've spent the last four years looking for my wife's killer

but no one will do it

Ladies, are you looking to get longer lashes?

Try showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia.

Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in a different direction and tells them to go into the forest, get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, and bring it back. It can be any kind of fruit as long as they get ten pieces of the same kind.

Man A gets back first with ten apples. The chief tells him that while they wait for the other two, he can do the rest of the test. "It's simple," the chief said, "you just have to stick all ten of the apples up your butt without making a sound." Man A gets one apple in with no sound, but he grunts in pain on the second and thus is killed. Man B arrives next with ten small blueberries. He is told the same thing as Man A and begins the challenge. He is on number nine, doing great and making no sound, when he bursts out laughing and is killed.

In Heaven, Man A and Man B stand together in line at the Pearly Gates. "You were doing so well!" Man A said. "Why did you laugh?" Man B started laughing again and responded: "I just couldn't help it... I saw Man C coming back with pineapples."

Fun fact: This is the first joke I remember ever being told. My cousin told me and his younger siblings it, and we laughed for like an hour.

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

My lesbian neighbours gifted me a watch for my bithday today

Apparently they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch" when they asked me what I wanted for my birthday

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian."

The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian."

God's voice booms down "that's funny…"

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...

No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 11, 2019

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story.

I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor.

The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's ok, he woke up.

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.

So i packed my stuff and right.

Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?

You can’t see in the dark

A brother asks his sister to marry him...

She replies, "if you incest".

I asked my mom "how many is a couple?" She said, "two or three."

That would explain why her marriage collapsed.

Sex through the ages.

20s-30s: tri-weekly

30s-40s: try weekly

40s-50s: try weakly

I went to a beestore to buy bees

The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested.

When I asked him what the last one was for.

He told me it was a freebie.

My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.

The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano.

Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that there’s a genie outside his bar granting people wishes for free.

The bartender sprints outside but comes right back only minutes later followed by an army of quacking ducks that fill the whole place.

Angrily, the bartender says to the first man that the genie has: “ Gotta be deaf man! I ask for a million bucks and get a million ducks...”

First man says “ Bro, you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

Why do pirates love this subreddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground.

“This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!”

When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses.

“Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!”

It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp.

As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him.

“Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and...”

“Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?

Screw is what my dad did before I was born.

Bolt is what he did after I was born.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair.

Now Happytown was no normal town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a person survives the electric chair for fifteen minutes straight, it is considered divine intervention and they are free to go.

So Bob is sent to the electric chair. The executioner offers him his final meal. Bob asks for a single banana. Then, the executioner hooks Bob up to the electric chair and turns it on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still alive and well, so he is let go.

Two days later, Bob manages to get his job back as conductor for the Happytown train. Just like before, he decides to see how fast he could go. He goes faster and faster until the train derails once again, killing two people this time. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by the electric chair.

Bob shows up to the chair and is offered his last meal by the executioner again. This time, Bob asks for two bananas. He eats the bananas and the the executioner turns on the chair. Low and behold, fifteen minutes later, Bo had not yet come even close to death. The executioner let him go and Bob went on his way.

Around a week goes by and Bob manages to get his job back as the conductor (Happytown must have been really desperate for train conductors to hire him once again). Just like the last two times, Bob goes too fast and details the train, killing three people. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by electric chair. When Bob arrived for his execution, he asked for three bananas for his final meal, but the Executioner recognized him and was annoyed. The executioner told Bob “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not just gonna let you get by murdering people again and again, so I’m not letting you have your magic bañas that somehow keep you alive.” The executioner then attached Bob to the chair without giving him his bananas and turned the chair on.

Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still sitting there as if nothing is going on. Astounded, the Executioner stares at Bob and goes, “How are you doing this?”

Bob relies, “The bananas have nothing to do with it. I’m just a really bad conductor.”

Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 11, 2019

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of an aircraft that is rapidly plummeting towards the ground.

They all realise that one must sacrifice themselves to save the rest. Nobody volunteers to sacrifice themselves, the. suddenly the brunette makes a heroic speech about how she will let go of the aircraft to save the rest.

Then all the blondes clap.

Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater

I thought it was a nice jester

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So i pushed her over.

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.

I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq

They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck

What's the difference between a spicy curry and a catholic priest?

The curry at least waits 20 minutes before destroying your ass.

What do you call particularly complex stairs?

Stairs with extra steps.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

What's the difference between a sentence and a cat?

A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws

I hope death is a woman....

Then I know it will never come for me

Catholic school girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

I am a mean guy.

It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."

What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are Wanted...

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, passed away

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret … “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . .

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 11, 2019

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time..

‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be a mass confusion.

A young kid came upto me and said "Can I please have a cigarette?" I was astonished.

Kids these days have such great manners

ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar...

Blunt force trauma

My wife just left me for an Indian man.

I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

Do you know how to spot clickbait?

Obviously not

My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.

I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.

Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?”

“This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep.

“Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?”

“I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished.

“Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles.

The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!”

“Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!”

“Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.”

Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order.

Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep.

Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business.

As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf.

Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics.

Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly.

Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail.

Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend.

Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.”

Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder.

The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright.

Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.

So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you."

She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!

The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came!

Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.

They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:

"You go first!"

"No, you go first!"

As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.

But I’m planning to give it a shot.

Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 11, 2019

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father.

The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.

“And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?”

The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.

“Where is Germany again, Father?”

He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.

Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.”

“Yes?”

“Has Hitler seen this map?”

The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.

I don't like high maintenance women.

I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.

The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"

”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.

”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.

Once I was a male trapped in a female body..

Then I was born.

A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.

The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it.

"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.

The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."

I walked into my sisters bedroom and she was masturbating with a carrot...

I said, "Damnit! I was going to eat that!....

Now its going to taste like carrots."

A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse...

and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD.

He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter."

She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?"

He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom."

Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?"

The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"

(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.

The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.”

The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy”

The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.

Blunt force trauma.

Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 11, 2019

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

I beat my wife at dominos the other night.

She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex

So now we use lube

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight

To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare

Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in strawberry?"

"S - T - R - A - W"

"Correct! Now, can you spell 'water' as in watermelon?"

"W - A - T - E - R"

"Very good! Now can you spell 'fuck' as in 'ice cream'?"

"But there isn't any fuck in ice cream!"

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking

Where the fuck is my roof?

I'm a scientist doing research in bestiality.

Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

Why do Norwegians put barcodes on their ships?

So when they dock, they can Scandinavian

I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;

but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 11, 2019

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."