A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.

Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?

Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...

Bartender: What about that eye patch?

Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.

Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?

Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.