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Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.

Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 4, 2015

Hit by a fastball

A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs and a pained expression on his face.
"what happened darling?" says his wife. "I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies. "Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better". So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils. "how's that my darling, are you feeling better?" The man examines his bruised finger and says: "That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."

This 11-Year-Old Piano Prodigy Demonstrates The Genius Of Jazz

Wynton Marsalis and Herbie Hancock are big fans.

Meet Joey Alexander.

Meet Joey Alexander.

Rebecca Meek.

He's 11 years old and, like most kids his age, loves a good heap of french fries.

He's 11 years old and, like most kids his age, loves a good heap of french fries.

Joey Alexander / Facebook.

But Joey isn't really like most kids his age. He's also an amazing jazz pianist.

But Joey isn't really like most kids his age. He's also an amazing jazz pianist.

Born in Bali, Indonesia, he started playing Thelonius Monk by ear when he was six.

Rebecca Meek.

Seriously, the kid's got skills.

Seriously, the kid's got skills.

Motema Records.


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Taylor Swift Posted A Pic And There's Something Off About It

The devil is in the detail.

Taylor Swift posted this picture to Instagram Wednesday. Totally unassuming, right?

instagram.com

But if you look at the pic long enough, there's something off about it.

But if you look at the pic long enough, there's something off about it.

Taylor Swift / Via instagram.com

Is it because they're sitting on a rickshaw? No.

Is it because they're sitting on a rickshaw? No.

Taylor Swift / Via instagram.com

Is it that Este Haim's eyes are closed? No, that's not it.

Is it that Este Haim's eyes are closed? No, that's not it.

Taylor Swift / Via instagram.com


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14 Times Professional Athletes Tried Rapping

If rappers are gonna ball, then ballers are going to rap. They probably shouldn’t.

Floyd "Money" Mayweather: "Yep"

Before he takes on Manny Pacquiao this weekend in an epic battle of Two Men Past Their Prime in a Fight That Should Have Happened Half a Decade Ago, let's reflect on Floyd Mayweather's brief dalliance into hip-hop. Dropping "Floyd" and leading with his nickname, you would think a man named "Money" would spring for a more professional camera crew for his music video. However, "Yep" indulges in the simple things: jewelry, parties, bikini girls, and handheld camcorders.

Choice Lyric: "They see the cars / They see the chips / They see the hos /They on my dick"

youtube.com

Jason Kidd: "What the Kidd Did"

Former NBA superstar and current Milwaukee Bucks head coach Jason Kidd began and ended his rap career with "What The Kidd Did," a song recorded after his final season at Cal and before becoming the second overall pick in the 1994 NBA Draft. "What The Kidd Did" reflects on Jason's college and high school careers in a very (some might say too) literal fashion.

Choice Lyric: "Let’s go back a few years to be exact / High school the fools didn’t know how to act / At St. Joe’s the hos treated me different / But I was good on the dribble like an infant"

youtube.com

"Macho Man" Randy Savage: "Be a Man"

The title track to Randy Savage's 2003 album, "Be a Man" is meant to be a diss track aimed at Savage's longtime archnemesis, Hulk Hogan. All of this is sort of surprising until you think about it and then it's not.

Choice Lyric: "They call you Hollywood? Don't make me laugh /
'Cause your movies and your acting skills are both trash / Your movies straight to video; the box office can't stand / While I got myself a feature role in Spider-Man"

youtube.com

Robert Brooks: "Jump (Into the Stands)"

Anyone who's watched the Green Bay Packers play a home game over the last two decades knows it's a Lambeau Field tradition for players to jump into the crowd after every touchdown. However, as the years pass, few outside of Wisconsin remember how the tradition started. Luckily, the man who made the celebration famous, former Packers wideout Robert Brooks, recalls in explicit detail the history of the NFL's most enduring touchdown celebration in "Jump (Into the Stands)." Long story short: Brooks began the move when he saw Packers safety LeRoy Butler try and fail miserably to clear the barrier between the field and the bleachers.

Choice Lyric: "My idea came from LeRoy Butler ya know / But he stuck to the wall like Velcro."

youtube.com


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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Shit."

21 Dog Pictures For Anyone Who's Feeling Down

BECAUSE DOGS.

This lil' guy being real brave at the vet.

This lil' guy being real brave at the vet.

imgur.com

And this insanely happy camper.

And this insanely happy camper.

i.imgur.com

This wrinkly dude with his teddy buddy.

This wrinkly dude with his teddy buddy.

i.imgur.com

And this champion billiards shooter.

And this champion billiards shooter.

i.imgur.com


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This Hip Cat Knows How To Ring A Bell For Treats

Pavlov’s cat?

Pecan, a very well-dressed kitty, has learned to ring a bell for treats.

Impressive.

watergirlmv / Via youtube.com

Not only does Pecan know how to rock a plaid button-down, he knows what he wants and how to get it!

Not only does Pecan know how to rock a plaid button-down, he knows what he wants and how to get it!

watergirlmv / Via youtube.com

He could just ring that bell all day. And who could say no to that face?

He could just ring that bell all day. And who could say no to that face?

watergirlmv / Via youtube.com

All of the treats, please!

All of the treats, please!

watergirlmv / Via youtube.com


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A Pig's Guide To Being A Dog

Don’t let the cat take advantage of you.

BuzzFeedYellow / Via youtu.be


19 Times Koalas Were Total Badasses

Koala-fied to not give a f**k.

When they demanded first class service.

When they demanded first class service.

"Bow down to me bitches".

Qantas

When they wrestled each other in broad daylight.

When they wrestled each other in broad daylight.

"Smack down".

youtube.com

When they took a stroll down main street like it was nobody's business.

When they took a stroll down main street like it was nobody's business.

"Coming through peasants".

Facebook: chris.kerrigan.100

When they didn't care for your driving.

When they didn't care for your driving.

"Cop this".

Facebook: MeanwhileInAustralia


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15 Inspiring Stories Of Rescue Animals Who Saved Their Humans

Sometimes it’s hard to tell who rescued who.

We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us their animal adoption stories. Here are a few of the heartwarming and inspiring responses.

We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us their animal adoption stories. Here are a few of the heartwarming and inspiring responses.

Creative Commons / Flickr: pictureclara

I adopted an orange tabby, Rowdy, who is a wonderful kitty. The night I brought him home, there was a small fire in the basement of our house. My roommate and I both slept through the alarms and the smoke was really filling the house. I only woke up because Rowdy was prancing over my bed and patting at me until he woke me up. He was the only thing I grabbed when we evacuated the house.

Submitted by Jessica Chi, Facebook

I have schizophrenia that is more intense at night, and my hallucinations make it extremely difficult to sleep, and it affects me daily. When I first met Bam Bam in the shelter, I would have never guessed how dependent on him I would grow to be. He sleeps nestled between my stomach and thighs, and feeling his warm body brings me so much comfort that I can now sleep through the night most of the time. I can't sleep without him anymore!

Submitted by laurenpratt1997

Creative Commons / Flickr: 30800139@N04


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I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

Homeless man and a Suicidal Woman.

A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"

The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."

The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."

The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"

The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."

A driver is pulled over by a policeman....

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl.

I wanted that first time to be special.

Why don't Jews eat pussy?

It's too close to the gas chamber.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

I always go for a run after sex.

Can't risk getting caught

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"

Wife's Response: "Who's Paula?"

A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar

They came, they saw, they conquered

Two friends were having a conversation...

The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning." "Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?" "No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."

The Canine Applicant

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow!!!"

Guy tells his doctor "Every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection."

Doc says " That's because you look like a pussy"

I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW]

Anonymous Activist Gets Potholes Fixed By Drawing Giant Penises Around Them


Anonymous Activist Gets Potholes Fixed By Drawing Giant Penises Around Them
Like many cities, Manchester, England, is plagued with potholes. One half-mile stretch of road can have as many as 70 holes. After claiming he saw his friends injured in pothole-related bike accidents, one anonymous resident has taken matters into his own hands.

April 29, 2015 at 11:38PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1EJYUzw

A young man comes out as gay to his mother.

She asks him, "So you put dicks in your mouth?"

He hesitates but says, "yes."

She swiftly slaps him across the face.

"I don't want to hear a damn word about my cooking anymore then."

Todrick Hall Strikes Again With This Mash-Up Of All Five Beyoncé Albums In Four Minutes

Who run the world?

Todrick Hall is back! This time he is singing all five Beyoncé albums in four minutes. Wait, what? Yeah, he mashed-up over 70 songs of Lady Bey's jams. Just when you think he's done it all, he crushes it once again.

The video description said, "it took four single takes and memorizing four different sets of lyrics and choreography. Also it is exactly four minutes in length because of Beyonce’s connection to the number four."

Todrick Hall / Via youtube.com

Alright Bey-hive, here are some of the best moments...

Alright Bey-hive, here are some of the best moments...

BuzzFeed / Via ak-hdl.buzzfed.com

Kicking it off with two classics, from "Baby Boy" to "Crazy In Love."

And FYI - these are vines, you'll want to click the SOUND icon (bottom-right) for music!

Todrick Hall / Via vine.co

Then, we've got a mix of "Naughty Girl" and the ever important lady anthem, "Run The World (Girls)."

SLAY.

Todrick Hall / Via vine.co


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Hoda Kotb Totally Kills This "Baby Got Back" Lip Sync Battle

Watch out, Sir Mix-A-Lot.

We all know Hoda Kotb loves music.

We all know Hoda Kotb loves music.

NBC

Well, she's bringing that love to Spike's Lip Sync Battle this week.

Well, she's bringing that love to Spike's Lip Sync Battle this week.

Spike / Via youtube.com

And of all songs, she's performing "Baby Got Back."

And of all songs, she's performing "Baby Got Back."

Spike / Via youtube.com

She brings the attitude.

She brings the attitude.

Spike / Via youtube.com


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Watch Kesha's Amazing Live Cover Of The Beach Boys' "California Girls"

She r who she r, and that’s hella talented.

So we all know and love Kesha (RIP the dollar $ign), queen of turning up and having a good time, right?

So we all know and love Kesha (RIP the dollar $ign), queen of turning up and having a good time, right?

RCA

With hits like "We R Who We R", "Die Young", and "Tik Tok", she's PERFECTED the art of the Party Girl Anthem.

With hits like "We R Who We R", "Die Young", and "Tik Tok", she's PERFECTED the art of the Party Girl Anthem.

RCA

But what you probably DIDN'T know is Kesha is also capable of taking older classics and breathing new life into them.

But what you probably DIDN'T know is Kesha is also capable of taking older classics and breathing new life into them.

RCA

The blonde pop star showed up to last month's Brian Fest, which honored the work of Beach Boys frontman Brian Wilson. But she wasn't just there to enjoy the music...

instagram.com


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This is for everyone who sends me those heart warming stories.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

10 Signs Your Dog Is Your Best Friend

Two beers before lunch? Fido isn’t counting.

You're on the same page about almost everything.

You look at each other knowingly when a friend asks if you want to kick it in the park and play some disc golf. The two of you also assume the friend will sit in the backseat on the way there.

instagram.com

PDA is natural and expected.

No uncomfortable hugs between you two. Whether it's lazy naps together on the couch, or completely casual face licks — it's all about the love.

Adventure means being together.

Your family rolls their eyes when you ask if the hotel for the family vacation is "pet friendly." You never consider going on a cruise because your dog gets seasick. And forget about flying an airline that doesn't allow your best pal in the cabin.

You both have the same taste in music.

You both have the same taste in music.

Or at least that's what you tell yourself when you don't hear any complaints from the pooch in the passenger seat. He knows you're still heartsick about Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore splitting up. He doesn't judge.

Thinkstock


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17 Times Petunia Tender-Mulaney Was Your Inspiration

Somehow, she makes being awesome look effortless.

When she schooled you in proper airport etiquette.

instagram.com

When she oyster'd up for bedtime.

instagram.com

When she took her nap to the next, and lower, level in order to keep things real.

instagram.com

When she knew EXACTLY what she wanted, and that something was popcorn.

instagram.com


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New sex technique

A man and his wife are in bed and things start to heat up. After a little bit of foreplay the man suddenly stops. His wife asks "What's wrong? Is it me?" The man replies " No I learned this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 4, 2015

When I'm drunk and hyper and my boyfriend is having none of it

http://ift.tt/1EawZWa

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit?

Baltimore Police employing next-level tactics from South Park

http://ift.tt/1bBKoN9

How Many People Do the Police Have to Kill to Start a Riot?

3/5ths

My cousins, who are twins, just sent me a picture of their yearbook senior quotes.

http://ift.tt/1AdXwxT

Can i hold him

http://ift.tt/1JQ0r50

How do you make Holy water?

Boil the hell out of it

The Free Drinks

Jerry was walking home from work in a bustling city, when he stumbled upon a man who was giving out coupons for a free drink at an enormous penthouse. This monstrous building had 100 floors, and no elevator, but Jerry was determined to go get himself a free drink.

After the first ten flights of stairs, he began to pant, and walked more slowly. When he reached the 27th flight, he tripped and bruised his chin. Nevertheless, he continued upwards. He climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed. When he reached the 60th flight, he couldn't take it anymore, so he whipped out a cigarette for a quick smoke break. After feeling a bit more rested, he continued up the seemingly never-ending stairway. Finally, he reached the 90th floor! Jerry told himself that he was almost there, and continued up the stairs slowly but surely. After an hour, he had finally reached the top of the stairs!

Jerry glanced into the penthouse, and saw that it was filled with people, all collecting their free drinks. There were massive crowds waiting for Coke, Fanta, wine, beer, any dozens of other drinks, but he looked and he looked, but there was no punchline.

If i cut off my right butt cheek

will i be left behind?

Favorite Star Trek scene

http://ift.tt/1dqk9dF

The Matthew McConaughey Paradox

http://ift.tt/1Ad58AQ

Just a friendly reminder from your Ukrainian friends, in light of recent events in Baltimore

http://ift.tt/1zaNwKz

Was pretty stoned last night, I wonder why I didn't get up on time

http://ift.tt/1GFUAla

Every time I see a girl with the side of her head shaved I think of Gary Oldman from The 5th Element.

http://ift.tt/1OBIL3U

The letter "N"

http://ift.tt/1OBinHn

Whenever I upvote a post from -1 to 0

http://ift.tt/1GFtue5

What's the difference between LSD and LDS?

One is mind-bendingly insane, and the other is a drug.

Wrong place, wrong time

http://ift.tt/1Jya1wM

Worst Animorph book ever...

http://ift.tt/1AcRbTk

What's the difference between America and a yogurt?

After 200 years a yogurt will develop a culture.

Baltimore, eat a snickers.

You turn into Ferguson when you're hungry.

DAMNIT FRIZZLE

http://ift.tt/1PTrwbw

Death sentance.

A train conductor carrying millions of dollars of raw materials across the United States falls asleep on the job. Missing a crucial interchange, he runs the trains of the tracks and destroys all the cargo, wrecks the train, and kills four people in the process.

After months of trials, lawsuits, and court dates, he receives a death row sentence.

────────

Months pass and finally the week of his execution arises. With three days left to live, an Holding Officer comes to his cell and walks him through the process that will occur in the upcoming days.

Tonight you will receive 1 of your last 3 meals. You may ask for whatever food you like and we will accommodate to the best of our abilities. On the third day, before your last meal, the chaplain will come in to give you your final blessing if you desire. You will eat. Then I will come take you to the chair.

The Holding Officer leaves a notepad and pen for the man to write down his meals...

One the first day, he is brought a banana and a glass of water per his request. The office leaves a tray with the items at the foot of his cell, but gives the man a perplexed look before leaving.

The man eats the banana and drinks the water, but takes the peal and stores it under his mattress.

The second day comes and once again the office brings his order, this time with two bananas instead of one. Before leaving though, he stops to ask the man of his odd requests.

You can have any food your heart desires, and yet yesterday all you ask for was a banana, and today the same thing?? Would you not prefer a seasoned steak, or gourmet pizza? Or maybe a fancy desert like a crème brûlée??

The man thought for a moment before speaking. Without looking up from the tray of food, and barely above a murmor, spoke gently to the officer, If it concerns you that much to mention it, perhaps you could add an item to my order tomorrow

The officer's ears perked up in anticipation of the request.

I'd like an ice cream cone added to my order tomorrow. With chocolate sprinkles on top, NOT multi-colored.

The officer's look of intrigue disappeared off his face, but he acknowledged the mans' request and said he would make it so.

The third day arrives. The man sitting cross-legged in the middle of the cell waits for the officer to arrive. In one corner of his cell sits an untouched cup of water from the previous day, under his mattress two banana peels rest, with the third lodged between his thighs.

Officer shows up. Sets down the tray, proud of himself for having found chocolate sprinkles despite the kitchen's only confetti colored ones, and informs the man he'll be back in half an hour to take him to his end.

For his last meal he eats the entire banana. Peel and all. He drinks the cup of water but not the one on his tray. Taking it from the corner of the room, he pours the entire cup into his throat with his held tilted back. In one swallow it's gone.

Next, he takes the new cup of water. Individually, he sticks every single one of his fingers into the cup. With wet tips, he runs his hands through his hair for several minutes. Repeating this process until all the water in the cup is gone.

At last, he reaches his single scoop of ice cream. Chocolate sprinkles, just like he asked. A small smile crosses his face.

Then, with the grace and precision of a watch maker, he picks off every one. Every. Single. Sprinkle.

By the time all the sprinkles are removed, and stashed secretly into the banana peels under the mattress, his clock reads 2-minutes till showtime.

With his last remaining minutes he enjoys his ice cream.

────────

The helmet is strapped.

The belts are tied tight.

The man's moment of judgement has finally come.

The officer does the inspection himself, insuring everything is in order. A medic stands by ready to flip the switch. In a matter of seconds, hundreds of thousands of volts will be passing through the man's body, ending his sinful life.

The officer places his right hand on the switch. His touch lighter for some reason than all the times in the past. He asks if the man has any last words.

But the man says nothing. Instead, he shakes his head from side to side, with eyebrows raised in a show of complacency. His thighs however, squeeze tight to the banana peel between his legs.

The Officer lets out a sigh, and begins his count.

3.

2.

1.

The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.

But nothing happens.

Now in the state where they reside, if any attempt past two does not successfully end a prisoner's life, he is returned to his cell and given a new term of life sentence over execution.

Full well knowing this is the case, the officer goes to check his connections. Every thing seems in order.

He returns to the switch

3.

2.

1.

The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.

Still nothing.

Now a man in a suit has entered the room. He whispers something to the medic. The officer double and triple checks all the connections.

The man sits calmly. A content look rests upon his face.

The final attempt. Tensions high in the room. Everyone's breath is held.

3.

2.

1.

The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.

Nothing.

Perplexed. The officer run his hand through his hair. He looks at the man sitting in the death chair, unharmed. Now a giant smile radiates from ear to ear.

The officer shouts out the man

I DON'T UNDERSTAND! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD

The man smile fades, he raises one eyebrow, shrugs and mutters--

I don't know. I guess I'm a bad conductor.

Carlos ftw!

http://ift.tt/1FvfcLq

Joni Mitchell Is Unconscious In A Hospital, Her Friend Says

Joni Mitchell at a gala on January 25, 2014, in Beverly Hills.

Larry Busacca / Getty Images

Singer Joni Mitchell is unconscious at a hospital and unable to care for herself, a friend said in a court filing.

According to documents filed Tuesday by Leslie Morris — a self-described long-time friend of Mitchell's — the "Big Yellow Taxi" singer cannot make decisions for herself, the Associated Press reported. Morris has filed a petition asking to be made Mitchell's conservator.

The court documents cite a doctor who described Mitchell as unable to make court appearances for as long as six months.

TMZ first reported Mitchell's condition, saying she is in a coma. Later, Billboard cited unnamed sources who said Mitchell is in worse condition than is publicly known.

Mitchell's representatives did not immediately respond to BuzzFeed News' request for comment.

Mitchell was hospitalized March 31 after collapsing at her Los Angeles home.

Mitchell rose to fame during the Woodstock era.

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Originally hailing from western Canada, Mitchell eventually moved to the U.S. and ultimately settled in L.A. In 1970, she wrote “Woodstock” about the eponymous festival that took place a year earlier. She is perhaps best remembered for "Big Yellow Taxi."


This Uber Driver Singing Opera For His Passenger Provides The Best Ride Ever

5 stars for this guy.

"Who needs a radio when you have an awesome uber driver!" says Jeff Sullivan, the uploader of this video.

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What a ride!

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How Well Do You Actually Know EDM?

Stay safe, stay P.L.U.R.


As Riots Follow Freddie Gray's Death in Baltimore, Calls for Calm Ring Hollow


As Riots Follow Freddie Gray's Death in Baltimore, Calls for Calm Ring Hollow
Officials calling for calm can offer no rational justification for Gray's death, and so they appeal for order.

April 28, 2015 at 06:27PM
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Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore?

It's a riot

Most likely a repost...but I do love me some Deadpool

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They said it couldn't be done...

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A radical tumblr feminist goes to see a shrink

The psychologist says "I'm going to show you some ink blots and you tell me the first image that pops into your minds."

He shows her the first one and she says "That's rape."

He shows her the second one and she says "Wow, that one's also rape."

Slightly taken aback, he shows her the third ink blot, and she yells "Is this some kind of sick joke? Why do you keep showing me pictures of rape?"

He says "Wow, you actually see depictions of rape in all of these?"

To which she replies "Typical rape apologist. You think it's not rape just because they're black women?"

This joke is a shameless ripoff of this comment by /u/SiGTecan.

Mickey Mouse is talking to his divorce lawyer

Lawyer: So, you say the reason you are devorcing Minnie Mouse is because she is crazy, right? Mickey: No, I said I am divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy.

Seven deadly sins on the internet

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None of this is real!

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Bueno...

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Peace.

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Spock was a smooth operator

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21 Inspirational Quotes From Goats

The meadow is as far as you let it be.

"Every day is a new day, and its possibilities are endless."

"Every day is a new day, and its possibilities are endless."

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"Don't be afraid to poke your head around the corner, because opportunity is EVERYWHERE!"

"Don't be afraid to poke your head around the corner, because opportunity is EVERYWHERE!"

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"The meadow is as far as you let it be."

"The meadow is as far as you let it be."

Steinbergpix / Getty Images

"Smile more, because if you forget how, that would be awkward."

"Smile more, because if you forget how, that would be awkward."

Thibop / Getty Images


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42 Adorable Pictures To Get You Through Finals Week

You got this.

This service dog booping Mickey.

This service dog booping Mickey.

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And this goat doing some very important bed time reading.

And this goat doing some very important bed time reading.

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This extremely patient banana dog.

This extremely patient banana dog.

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And this very gentle babysitter.

And this very gentle babysitter.

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29 Times Dogs Perfectly Captured Your Squad Goals

~dog goals~

When the squad totally delivers on your birthday:

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When somebody ruins a perfectly good group shot:

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When the lighting is perfect:

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When none of these are going to work:

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Can We Talk About How The National Zoo Is The Greatest Zoo On Earth?

I’ve got words for you: Bao Bao. And two more: It’s free.

We're all in agreement on this: Zoos are AWESOME. And if you haven't been to a zoo since you were little, you're missing out.

We're all in agreement on this: Zoos are AWESOME. And if you haven't been to a zoo since you were little, you're missing out.

Flickr: 39908901@N06 / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 39908901@N06

But let's talk about one specific zoo right now, because it is way more awesome than your average zoo.

But let's talk about one specific zoo right now, because it is way more awesome than your average zoo.

Flickr: 39908901@N06 / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 39908901@N06

What makes it the greatest? Well, for one, it has every cool animal on the freaking planet.

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What Is Your Dog's Real Name?

Yeah, you named him but DID YOU EVEN ASK FIRST??

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An Accurate Portrayal Of What It's Like To Make A Bed With Cats Around

Too real.

Making a bed with a cat around is pretty tough. Little known fact: cats hate made beds and their one true purpose in life is to prevent us humans from ever making them.

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When a cat sees a naked mattress without sheets, it begins to explore the curious scene.

When a cat sees a naked mattress without sheets, it begins to explore the curious scene.

Via youtube.com

Good luck getting that fitted sheet on now, because this cat has set up home on mattress island.

Good luck getting that fitted sheet on now, because this cat has set up home on mattress island.

Via youtube.com

"I live here now. No solicitors, please."

"I live here now. No solicitors, please."

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This Gloriously Weird Caterpillar Has "Tentacles" That Erupt When You Shout At It

“Can u not” – this caterpillar, probably.

When he was in the Peruvian Amazon recently, entomologist Aaron Pomerantz came across the "craziest caterpillar [he'd] ever seen."

When he was in the Peruvian Amazon recently, entomologist Aaron Pomerantz came across the "craziest caterpillar [he'd] ever seen."

Pomerantz works for ecotourism company Rainforest Expeditions and wrote about his discovery on their blog.

Aaron Pomerantz / PeruNature.com and Steven Senisi / Edtechlens.com

Whenever the caterpillar was disturbed by a loud sound, its four tentacle-like arms would pop out. You can see it for yourself in this video.

youtube.com

I might never have noticed this small brown insect had it not been for its unusual movement: noises would cause it to fire its tentacles in randomized directions, then slowly twirl back into a spring-like "ready" position to await its next alarm. This reaction to noise was so peculiar that once my group joined me around the creature, we proceeded to take turns yelling at it and filming its contorting reactions for over an hour.

He thinks it's a species of the Nematocampa genus, in the Geometrid family of moths.

He thinks it's a species of the Nematocampa genus, in the Geometrid family of moths.

But Andy Warren, senior collections manager at the Florida Museum of Natural History, told National Geographic that you'd have to wait until the caterpillar grew into a moth, or sequence its DNA, to be for sure of its species.

Aaron Pomerantz / PeruNature.com


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35 Photos Of Lambs Loving Life During Their First Ever Spring

It’s that time of year, and you will experience some cute aggression.

Flickr: robin1966 / Via Creative Commons

Flickr: stanzebla

Newborn lamb at Bicton College, Budleigh Salterton.

Flickr: bakaedar

Flickr: 95718647@N03


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