A woman goes to a doctor.

A woman goes to a doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “Whats the problem?”

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down. How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It keeps your mouth shut and that does the trick”.

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An Ancient Greek man walks into his tailor’s shop with some torn togas...

Tailor: Euripides?

Man: Yeah, Eumenides?

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Luke: "Are you sure we are flying in the right direction?"

Yoda: "Off course, we are!"

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With great reflexes...

Come great response ability.

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What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

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A Man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

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A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender exclaims “Well I’ll be! We’ve never have a weasel in here before. Whatever you’d like, you may have. What’ll it be?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

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I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

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North Pole surges above freezing in the dead of winter, stunning scientists

North Pole surges above freezing in the dead of winter, stunning scientists
The sun won't rise at the North Pole until March 20, and it's normally close to the coldest time of year, but an extraordinary and possibly historic thaw swelled over the tip of the planet this weekend.

February 27, 2018 at 08:40AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2otREnv

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If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie [long]

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

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Today r/Jokes is joining Operation: #OneMoreVote to save net neutrality

This past December, the FCC voted to kill net neutrality, letting internet providers like Verizon and Comcast impose new fees, throttle bandwidth, and censor online content. If this happens, subreddits like this one might not exist.

We can still block the repeal using the Congressional Review Act (CRA), and we’re just one vote away from winning in the Senate and taking the fight to the House. That’s why today we’re joining Operation: #OneMoreVote, an Internet-wide day of action.

This affects every redditor as well as every Internet user, and we only have a 60 legislative days left to stop it. Please, take a moment of your time to join the protest by contacting your lawmakers.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his countries militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy Submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can stay dived from the moment they leave the Port, to the day they enter it again 6 Months later. You haven't ever seen such great Submarines in your entire life, folks."

Putin, not looking really impressed, answerers:

"That's great, Donald. But my new Nuclear Submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"

The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German Submarines stay dived, Mrs Merkel?"

Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creeks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more Diesel."

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Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked.

“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.

After the physical exams were completed, the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.

“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.” he said.

“But doctor!” Mary complained. “You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”

“Well, OK.” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”

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I may be bad at telling jokes, but...

I am amazing at clickbait.

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One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

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Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

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Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: "Since Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

....they would start to find me attractive.

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A man asking a woman

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.

The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this.

"She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

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The smuggling priest (probably repost)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

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Donald Glover Can't Save You

Donald Glover Can't Save You
The creator of "Atlanta" wants TV to tell hard truths. Is the audience ready?

February 27, 2018 at 02:13AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2sWELqu

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just have to do something sexy to attract her."

The next morning, the wife is in the house, ironing some clothes, when she hears strange sounds from outside. She runs out of the kitchen and into the front yard, and sees her husband completely naked thrusting his dick in and out of tractor's exhaust pipe. "What on Earth are you doing?" she shouts.

The farmer looks up at her. "Well the therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor."

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An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

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What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

Haaaaaaaaaand Eyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee

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Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?

dad: in a cake

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Got an email from Google the other day...

"At Google Earth, we're so good we can read maps backwards"

I thought "that's just spam."

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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

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Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mudhole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

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I told my girlfriend to meet me at the gym but I didn't go

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

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How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs?

None. "He fell."

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Where do horses go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.

Just kidding, they get shot.

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.

One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn't want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.

While he's considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, "Jill, I've either got to lay you or Jack off."

Jill responds with a sigh, "Well, you'll have to jack off, I've got a headache."

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These New York City Buskers Sound Impossibly Close To Lennon And McCartney

These New York City Buskers Sound Impossibly Close To Lennon And McCartney
It's one thing to cover The Beatles well — nailing John and Paul's nasally-but-distinct voices in perfect harmony is another.

February 26, 2018 at 02:58AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2CiGCKg

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Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.

"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

"Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 

'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied. 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. 

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

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"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"

Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

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The inventor of autocorrect died today

His funfair will be hello on sundial

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My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

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A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast and as I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all and I gave her a banging right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She chuckled, "The egg timer's broken."

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Barry worked on a farm

He was absolutely obsessed with farm machinery, particularly tractors. He loved working on them, driving them, ploughing with them, and at the end of the day cleaning them.

His room was filled with tractor posters, he often completed puzzles of tractors, built and painted small model tractors. He even dreamed of working at the tractor factory, so he could build the tractors. The only think Barry loved more than tractors was his dog Harold.

One day, Barry was reversing his tractor out of the shed, when Harold darted out of the farm house chasing a pig. Barry slammed the brakes, but it was too late, he'd flattened Harold.

Barry was distraught, he ran through the farm house tearing down all his posters, smashing his models, upending the puzzles he had spent hours working on. He vowed never to look at a tractor again.

Barry sold the farm and moved to the city, he found a job at a small diner, and forgot all about his past.

Barry had worked at the diner for over a year, and been promoted to head chef. A regular customer always complained the fries were too dry, so Barry had the great idea to install a new fryer. The day of the delivery came, and Barry was so excited, he filled the fryer with oil and switched it on. No sooner had he done so, than the whole thing set alight, filling the entire diner with thick black smoke. Customers were screaming, children were running around terrified trying to find an exit.

Just then, Barry stood on the counter and sucked up all the black smoke. He turned to the window and blew all the smoke outside, the customers were then able to find the exit and everyone made a safe escape.

When the fire brigade finally arrived and had put out the fire, the fire chief approach Barry and asked "how on earth did you do that?". Barry replied "it was nothing, I'm an ex-tractor fan".

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Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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What do you call a towel used by a bunny?

A hare dryer!

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A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...

...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.

She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"

The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.

They then say come on kids! The three kids jump in and realized that they don't know how to swim.

The mother says to the husband, "Are you gonna jump in and save them?"

The father responds and says, "No fuck those n***ers!"

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Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.

The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.

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Why did the bear dissolve in water?

It was polar.

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"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

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My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo

The money's not great but the tips are huge

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When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, “You probably will...”

edit: I wish it weren’t true

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The first french fries were not cooked on France.

They were cooked in Greece.

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Tough As Nails Baby Makes Clear That She Does Not Share Food

Tough As Nails Baby Makes Clear That She Does Not Share Food
And no, she does not give a rat's ass that said food has already been in the mouth of a pigeon.

February 24, 2018 at 11:43PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2oojr8W

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The inventor of Velcro died last week.

RIP

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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

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What’s the absolute value of zero?

lol

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What do you call the sweat between 2 people having sex in Alabama?

Relative Humidity.

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Three friends: two straight guys, and a gay guy - and their respective partners are on a cruise.

A tidal wave then came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.

Next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

First up came one of the straight guys and his wife.

St Peter shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, I cannot let you in. You were too greedy. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Up next was the second straight guy and his wife. “I’m sorry, for I cannot let you in either. You were also gluttonous. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

At this, the gay guy gulped and turned to his boyfriend, whispering nervously, “This doesn’t look good, Dick.”

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth dildo. "This is the Voodoo Dick. I will let you rent it for $1000." The man scoffs at her, "you can't be serious. It doesn't even look like it takes batteries," he starts for the door, "Thanks, but no thanks. Have a good day." As he is heading for the door the owner shouts, "VOODOO DICK, THE DOOR!" Suddenly the dildo flies out of its box and through the air, it hits the lock on the door and starts going at it like a jack hammer. The door is starting to bend from the pounding, and the owner shouts, "VOODOO DICK, YOUR BOX!" The magic dildo stops pounding and flies back into its box. The man is jaw dropped. "Wow!" He says smiling, "I'll take it!" The man is running late for his flight so he stops by his house and hands his wife the box. "When your feeling horny sweetheart just open this box and say, 'VOODOO DICK MY PUSSY!'" She starts to laugh but he assures her it will be great, and jumps into a cab to catch his flight. The next day she starts to feel the need, and although she feels foolish doing it she lays on the bed and opens the box. "VOODOO DICK, MY PUSSY!" BAM! The Voodoo Dick flies into action. It starts pounding away at her and within 2 minutes she already had 5 orgasms, a minute later she's up to 7. She grabs the dildo to pull it out, but it's to strong. It keeps pounding away, another orgasm...she pulls and pulls, but can't get it to stop. She tries calling her husband but he doesn't answer, boom, another orgasm. All she can think to do is go to the hospital to get it out. She makes her way to the car, another orgasm. She driving down the highway, having orgasm after orgasm, swerving all over the road. A trooper sees this car swerving every where and pulls her over. The officer walks up to her door, "Well you've obviously been drinking.." he says. "No officer," she's panting, "you don't under stand. I'm sober, I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy and I can't get it out." The officer leans back and laughs, "Voodoo Dick my ass!."

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“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”

In America – a compliment.

In the Middle East – an argument.

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What do you call a bee that comes from America?

a USB!

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What's a lesbians favorite language?

Gaelic

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn" "WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy's house, where he dumps her in the yard. Then the man drives to his daddy's house and goes inside. The dad sees his son, and says "What the hell you doin' here, boy? Ain't you supposed to be with your new bride?"

"Well, pa," the son says, "I was, but she told me she's still a virgin"

"Well holy dog-shit", says the dad, "What'd you do then?

"I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her up in the sheets, drug her down the stairs and out the door, threw her in the back of my pick up, and then drove on to her daddy's house and dumped her on the lawn"

The dad starts laughing, and, patting his son on the back, he says "Good job, son. If she ain't good enough for her family, I say she ain't good enough for ours neither"

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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

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In truth, the earth used to be flat...

Until they buried yo' mama.

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Teachers on Guns in Classrooms - What Teachers Think About President Trump's Idea to Arm Them

Teachers on Guns in Classrooms - What Teachers Think About President Trump's Idea to Arm Them
President Trump thinks arming educators will make students safer. We asked teachers if they agree.

February 24, 2018 at 05:38AM
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Anal sex is a lot like Brussels sprouts

If you’re forced to have it as a child you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

-Daniel Tosh

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I brought a porn DVD today.

But all I could see was some fat man holding his dick.

Then I realised I hadn’t turned the TV on.

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A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

„So, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they‘re allowed to drink up here.“

„Next we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.“

„There are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.“

The tour goes on for quite a while like this.

Finally they arrive at a locked door.

„You must be really quiet around here“, St. Peter whispers.

„Why, who‘s in there?“, the man asks.

„The Catholics, they think they are alone up here.“

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If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

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My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea

She won’t find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage

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By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

Guaranteed reposts.

https://discord.gg/66qyTgJ or https://discord.gg/jokes

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A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" He snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

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I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint!

73 metres.

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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and pulled out a box. In the box was a small bottle with a green liquid inside. "Will that increase my penis size?" the villager asked.

"All you must do is take drop of medicine before sex, and say 1, 2, 3. Then your penis triple in size, and you can have sex as long as you like."

The villager is awed, and is about to pay the shaman when he asked, "How do I get the medicine to stop working?"

The shaman says, "Ah, your partner need to say 1, 2, 3, 4, but when she does, medicine will not work until next full moon." The villager agreed, paid the shaman, and trotted off to his home.

That night, the villager took a drop of medicine as instructed by the shaman, and led his wife to their bed. He threw her on the bed, took off his clothes, and shouted "1, 2, 3,!"

His penis tripled in size, and his wife got very excited. She took off her clothes, and prepared for him to put it in when she asked, "What was the 1, 2, 3 for?"

And that, my friends, is why we never end a sentence with a dangling participle.

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A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”

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A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to sleep.

"Okay, how about if I lose I give you 100 dollars, and you only give me 5."

Again, the woman declines.

"Okay, okay, how about I give you 1000 dollars if I lose?"

The woman, finally had enough, agrees. The businessman goes first."What's the circumference of the sun?"

The woman doesn't know and pays him 5 dollars. Then she asks the businessman "What has 6 legs, goes up a hill with 10 legs, and comes down with 5 legs?"

The businessman realizes he has no clue of the answer, and he would have to pay up. He searches it up on google, asks everyone on the plane, and calls all his friends, but no one knew the answer. At last, he reluctantly pays the woman 1000 dollars. The woman, satisfied, goes back to sleep.

The businessman taps her shoulder. "I have one last question. What was the answer?"

The woman sighs and takes out 5 dollars.

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Joe, are at a bar...

Jim says, “You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I presume you have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think that logically speaking, you have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"So, because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a straight man."

"I am straight. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that just because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Joe at the bar. He tells Joe about his classes, and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Joe says, "What's that?"

"I'll give you an example," says Jim. "Do you own a weed eater?"

"No."

"You a faggot, Joe?”

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I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

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Murder @ Wal-Mart

So here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed..

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested..

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

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Brendan Fraser on His Comeback, Disappearance, and the Experience that Nearly Ended His Career

Brendan Fraser on His Comeback, Disappearance, and the Experience that Nearly Ended His Career
GQ's Zach Baron reports on the stupendous rise and surprising disappearance of the once ubiquitous movie star.

February 22, 2018 at 09:56PM
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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

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The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces. The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up: "sir... The fly is still alive." "Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

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How do you make an old lady say "Fuck!"?

Get another old lady to yell, "BINGO!"

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My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight

I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" It's made of concrete. "I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" No, we have carport, and not need one. "I mean what are your relations like?" All my relations still in Poland . " Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. "Does your wife beat you up?" No, I'm always up before her each morning. "Is your wife a nagger?" No, she white. "Why do you want this divorce?" She going to kill me. "What makes you think that?" I got proof. "What kind of proof?" She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

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What's the best joke on /r/jokes?

"Reposts will be removed at our discretion."

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Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

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My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder

Sigh... unzips

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The inventor of the USB died.

They lowered his coffin, raised it back out, flipped it over, lowered it again, raised it back out, flipped it over again, then lowered him again.

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I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

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Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks

Its nice to have a bit of company

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I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

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Apple Maps vs. Google Maps vs. Waze

Apple Maps vs. Google Maps vs. Waze
Which navigation app estimates the shortest travel time? How does each app over/underestimate travel times? And which navigation app actually gets you to your destination most quickly?

February 21, 2018 at 09:31PM
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How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.

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During sex with my wife,

I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"

And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

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How to find out if you're old or not:

Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.

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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They're efficient and not very funny.

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A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

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THE NAKED TRUTH

This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?''

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''

Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''

The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.

The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''

He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''

The husband looks him over and says,''But you're naked.''

The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''

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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes....

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he does not masturbate profusely every 2 hours, a blood clot would form and he would surely die.” “Oh, I guess I can understand that.” Says the man. So they keep walking, and in the next room he finds a male patient receiving a blow job from a nurse. So the man turns to the nurse escorting him and proclaims, “Ok, now you have some explaining to do.” The nurse shrugs, and then replies, “Same problem, better healthcare.”

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Organized a threesome last night

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a pretty great time.

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What did the Jewish man do when he wanted tea?

Hebrew.

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Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.

Next the pot is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.

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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

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Why Aren’t Businesses Doing More to Save American Manufacturing?

Why Aren’t Businesses Doing More to Save American Manufacturing?
But will businesses make the choice to try and save it?

February 21, 2018 at 12:08AM
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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the heavenly realm first.

The experience is okay. He mostly sits around on the clouds singing and playing the harp, and exchanging some pleasant conversation with the angels. He goes back to Peter the next day, and is sent to hell this time.

The elevator arrives at the bottom, and the doors open. He is in a beautiful garden, it’s sunny, and there is a nearby golf course. A bar in the pristine looking garden keeps the drinks flowing: beer, cocktails, wine, whiskey, whatever the heart could imagine. There is also a buffet. All his friends and family that have passed away are there, and they greet him cheerfully. Even Satan is there, and he ends up being a really nice and cool guy who assists the politician in whatever he can. After chatting with them for awhile, the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen comes to him, and they end up having the best sex he has ever experienced.

At the end of the day, the politician goes back to St. Peter. “I hope you enjoyed the tryouts sir. What do you choose, heaven or hell?” The politician replies “well Peter to be honest heaven is great and all, but I really enjoyed hell a lot more. I’d like to go there.”

His wish is granted. When the elevator doors open in hell, he is greeted by horror. The whole place is dark and gloomy, his friends are screaming as they are burning in pits of fire, and demons walk around beating with pitch forks those who try to escape the flames.

The politician walks up to Satan and demands an explanation. “Yesterday it was so nice! A garden, golf, beautiful women, free food and drinks. Yet today you are torturing my friends. What the heck man?” The devil (no longer friendly and cool as he was the day before) smiles slyly. “Sorry for the mixup. But you are a politician, so surely you understand: yesterday we were campaigning, but today you voted.”

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People in Dubai don't like "The Flintstones"

But people in Abu Dhabi Do

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Dogs can't get an MRI

But Catscan

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What´s the difference between an irish funeral and an irish wedding?

At the funeral one person isnt drinking

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I asked my grandpa..

I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”

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A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.

The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.

"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.

“A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair?” the president asks.

“Well,” the boy explains, “when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.”

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

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Wife: I am having an affair

Me: handing the menu to the waiter
-I'll have the affair as well.

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My son wanted to know what it's like to be married

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

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9/10 people.

Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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Farm Inspection

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on my land!! No questions asked or answers given!! I have made my self clear?....Do you understand?!!!"

I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull..... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get stuffed before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs....

"Your badge, show him your fucking badge!!!"

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What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules

(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son)

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An American walks into a pub, says "I'll have a bud light". The bartender replies "You're American aren't you?"

The guy says "How did you know? Was it the beer or the accent?"

Bartender replies: "Neither, you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life."

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A guy with a stutter died in prison

before he could finish his sentence.

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Do You Believe Her Now?

Do You Believe Her Now?
With new evidence that Clarence Thomas lied to get onto the Supreme Court, it's time to talk seriously about impeachment.

February 19, 2018 at 09:20PM
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My friends laughed at me

when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.

Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

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My 6 year old son told me this one. "What do you call a snowman that's having a threesome with two hot princesses?"

I slapped my son and abruptly deleted his youtube kids app.

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to the fri-

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."

The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

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A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were inside are dead. The wife goes even more crazy wanting to pass through and find her husband. The fire man tries to explain that due to the fire all the corpses are coal black and that she wouldn't be able to identify him.

The wife now even crazier insists on going in. "I have been his wife for 20 years, I know every inch of him. I definitely can tell him apart." so the firemen finally decide to let her in.

She goes to the first bag, opens its, reaches with her hand all the way down to his private area... "hmmm, that's not him". She then goes to the next bag repeats the same thing, "hmmmmm, that's not him either".

She opens the third bag, again reaches all the way down to the guys privates. but this time there is a long pause. "mmmmm This guy is not even from this building"

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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet.

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A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

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Heaven Vs Hell

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator. 

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he  realizes it, it is time to go. 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises .. 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 

'Now it's time to visit heaven.' 

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,  before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' 

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' 

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. 

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above... 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says....... 

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

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James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

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A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

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I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

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What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

a few seconds of silence

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

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I'd like to go see Black Panther in the theater...

But I'd also like to hear it too.

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What do you call a hooker's fart?

A prostitoot

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Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

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TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

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Florida School Shooting Survivors Will Lead Nationwide Demonstration

Florida School Shooting Survivors Will Lead Nationwide Demonstration
The teens say the "March For Our Lives" gun-control demonstration will take place on March 24 in every American city.

February 19, 2018 at 01:50AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2GnrjOw

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Dying of Lung Cancer

A man takes his father to the doctor.

At the office, the doctor tells the old man, "I'm sorry, sir, but you have lung cancer. You'll be dead in a year."

On the way home, the old man turns to his grief-stricken son and says, "Quit all that cryin'! I'm not depressed. I've lived 75 great years. How 'bout you and me go to my favorite bar and have a couple beers with my friends?"

So while the guys are having their beers, the old man breaks the news to his friends. "Fellas," he says, "I'll be dead in a year 'cause I got AIDS."

On the way home, his son asks, "Dad, why did you lie to your friends?"

His dad replies, "'Cause when I die, I don't want them trying to fuck your mother!"

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Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

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What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?

A tourist

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What do you call security guards at a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

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A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf.....

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”

The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”

And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?"

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My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.

They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"

"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court

The judge looks at the papers and says to Mickey,

"So it says here that you are filing for divorce on the grounds that your wife is mentally insane. Is that true?"

"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaims Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

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Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space!

Terrible joke.

Only three stars.

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A woman introduces her boyfriend to her parents.

A woman has her boyfriend meet her parents.

The father of the woman and the boyfriend then have a discussion at a Catholic Bible Study:

Father: “What do you do for a living?”

Boyfriend: “I am a Biblical Scholar.”

Father: “A Biblical scholar, huh? How will you provide for my daughter?”

Boyfriend: “God will provide for us.”

Father: “How will you afford the shiny, diamond ring my daughter deserves?”

Boyfriend: “God will provide for us.”

Father: “How will you provide a nice, safe home for my daughter and future grandchildren?”

Boyfriend: “God will provide for us.”

Later that night, the mother asks the father, “How was your time with our future son-in-law?”

The father responds: “He has no plans, doesn’t have a job, and he thinks I’m God.”

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A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

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"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

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The Struggle To Respond To Mass Tragedies

The Struggle To Respond To Mass Tragedies
In the wake of the Florida shooting, a crisis counselor explains how she helps survivors cope.

February 18, 2018 at 12:31AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2HqsAFx

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A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

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What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil?

M'Ladle

tips fedora

Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

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You know that look a woman gives you when she really wants sex?

Me neither.

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To Absent Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

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If pro is the opposite of con...

What's the opposite of progress?

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

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What's a gay man's favorite planet?

Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.

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When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.

"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

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On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

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How do you piss of a female archeologist?

You find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.

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A racist man walks into a bar...

He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him.

He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."

As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him.

The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face.

Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man."

As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling.

visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man.

He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing.

Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?"

The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."

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I found my boomerang with RAM glued to it

Man that thing brought back memories

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All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

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Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

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A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

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The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

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Donald Trump, a Playboy Model, and a System for Concealing Infidelity

Donald Trump, a Playboy Model, and a System for Concealing Infidelity
One woman’s account of clandestine meetings, financial transactions, and legal pacts designed to hide an extramarital affair.

February 16, 2018 at 09:07PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2oaWOE1

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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Two nuns are riding down a street on bikes

One says to the other "I've never come this way before." The other smiles and says "neither have I. Must be the cobblestones."

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What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

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Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter, it's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Alan.

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My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday.

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...

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The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So think about what two points of your body are furthest apart and we’ll get started.”

The first soldier to be measured is pretty tall, so he requests that the measurement be taken from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. The man with the measuring tape says “73 inches, that’ll be 73 thousand dollars.” The soldier receives his check and goes home.

The second soldier has long arms, so he requests that he be measured from one fingertip to the other with his arms outstretched. It’s 74 inches. He gets his check and goes home.

The third soldier is a grizzled old sergeant whose face is pockmarked with scars. As the measurer approaches he says “I want you to measure from the front of my pecker to the back of my balls.”

“Listen,” the VA official tells him, “I really think you should reconsider. You’ve got your future to think about.” The old sergeant stays firm in his request and pulls down his pants.

The measurer approaches with the tape but pauses upon inspecting the sergeant’s undercarriage. “Sir,” he says, “where are your balls?”

“Vietnam.”

Edit: a word

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What's an acorn ?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

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At any given moment, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away

A whim away. A whim away

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A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozing with yellow pus. It really stinks too!

''Could you point it for me?" asks the armless man.

The other man tries to hold the horrible dick steady while the armless man has a pee. When he's finished, the armless man says, ''Now could you put it back in?''

''Sure.'' says the first man.

He shakes the putrid dick dry, stuffs it back in the armless man's trousers and does up his fly. "Thank you." says the armless man. ''I really appreciate that.''

''No problem." says the first man. ''But I've got to ask you something. What the hell is wrong with your dick?"

The other guy pulls his arms out of his jacket and says, "I don't know, but i sure ain't touching it...."

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English is not the easiest of languages

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

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A Jake Paul fan walked into a bar

and got kicked out for being 10.

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Survivor Of Florida Shooting Pleads To Congress: 'We're Children, You Guys Are The Adults... Take Some Action'

Survivor Of Florida Shooting Pleads To Congress: 'We're Children, You Guys Are The Adults... Take Some Action'
"Work together, come over your politics, and get something done."

February 15, 2018 at 11:06PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2BYCGhu

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My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

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Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

You know he's guilty.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo....

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

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A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her..

..... At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”

“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

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I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z...

My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!" I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"

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“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

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I'm thinking about starting a dating app for low IQ people.

I'm calling it OK Stupid.

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What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?

Professor +

I'm sorry. lol.

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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

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Timothée Chalamet Is a Once-in-a-Generation Talent

Timothée Chalamet Is a Once-in-a-Generation Talent
Timothée Chalamet, star of "Call Me By Your Name," is having his first big moment in a career that'll be filled with many. And he's determined not to screw it up.

February 14, 2018 at 10:52PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2BrTDQi

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What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

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Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the sand pit. "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed again.

Again, Father Michael warned, "Do not utter such words Father Bob, lest god punishes you for it!"

Father Bob apologized again and they continued playing.

On his third swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the pond. "Damn it! That totally missed!" cursed Father Bob once again.

Before Father Michael could say anything, a ominous dark cloud suddenly gathered out of the blue sky and a vicious lightning came down and stroke Father Michael, killing him instantly.

Father Bob was completely stunned, before he could understand what was happening in front of him, he heard a thunderous deep voice coming from the sky - "Damn it! That totally missed!"

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What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

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My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

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How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed?

With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

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A women was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

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I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree."

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It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

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Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!" Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!" Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up. So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty gambling habit, but I can't break him of it because he never loses! Can you help?" The teacher replies "I'll do what I can" Next day, Johnny enters the classroom. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!" The teacher demurely declines. All week, Johnny is pestering her about betting on the color of her panties. On Friday, Johnny repeats the bet. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!" She says "You're on!" and lifts her dress to reveal she isn't wearing any panties at all! Johnny pays the money, with much grumbling. The teacher ecstatically calls his father. "Great news! I made little Johnny lose a bet!" The father is astounded. "How'd you do that?" he asks. "Well, Johnny's been bothering me all week about the color of my panties, and today I didn't wear any, so he lost the bet!" A long string of curses comes over the phone. Teacher asks "What's wrong? Didn't I do it right?" Dad answers "Just this morning he bet me $50 he'd see your pussy before the day was out!"

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Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of delaying the revolution. “ the second commiserated.

“Well I was on time to work and I was still sent here.” The third said.

“Why?” They ask.

“I was accused of owning a western watch!”

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I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

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Google and Uber Went to War Over Almost Nothing Because They Think the Race for Self-Driving Cars Is About Everything

Google and Uber Went to War Over Almost Nothing Because They Think the Race for Self-Driving Cars Is About Everything
The two companies think the race for self-driving cars is everything, and the key to winning is having the best tech possible.

February 13, 2018 at 08:11AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2CgSdVA

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I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

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Superman has been trying to get wonder woman to sleep with him for years

But no matter how hard he tries, she just won't pay attention to him.

One day he's flying around and sees wonder woman laying on her back, in an open field, no underwear or pants on for the whole world to see. Confused, superman flies overhead and scans the area, but doesn't see another soul for miles around.

"I wonder what she's doing all the way out here by herself laying naked in a field?"

But then superman had a dark thought

"I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could swoop down, have sex with her, and be gone by the time she realizes what's happening"

So there wonder woman is laying in the field and she hears a loud CRACK and a sudden blur appears in front of her, vanishing as quickly as it came.

"What was that?" she says

"I don't know," the invisible man says, "but my ass sure hurts"

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What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Credit: my friend's 3-year-old made this up. I'll pass on any karma to his college fund.

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I bought my friend an elephant for his room

He said, "Thank you"

I said, "Don't mention it"

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Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

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I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

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How many times do redditors laugh at a joke?

Twice: once when they read it, once when they post it.

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Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team up and make a medicine to cure erectile dysfunction

And name it "Elon-Gate"

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I just got fired for something that I didn't do...

my job.

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To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

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The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.

About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop and tries to order two scoops of chocolate ice cream

The man behind the counter says "Sorry, we don't have any left. The woman apologizes and says "Oh ok. In that case, I'll have a cone... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is confused and says "Lady, I just told you that we don't have chocolate anymore." The woman says "Damn, I am so sorry. I guess I forgot that. Ok so then in that case, I'll have just a cup... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The guy sighs and says again "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have chocolate at the moment. The woman says "Ohhhh right right right. Sorry. Then I guess I'll have a Sundae....with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is furious at this woman's incompetence and says "Ok lady, answer me this. How do you spell the 'van' in vanilla?" The woman says "V-A-N" The man says "How do you spell the 'straw' in strawberries?" The woman says "S-T-R-A-W" Then the man says "So now how do you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?" The woman is confused and says "There's no fuck in chocolate" "THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME"

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I made a joke about net neutrality

Americans didn't get it.

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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Inside Facebook's Two Years of Hell

Inside Facebook's Two Years of Hell
How a confused, defensive social media giant steered itself into a disaster, and how Mark Zuckerberg is trying to fix it all.

February 12, 2018 at 10:49PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2BWdybn

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I like my women like I like my toasters,

Turned on, and in the tub with me

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The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?”

I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

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A woman cheats on her Husband.

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realising her mistake, she starts praying to God:

"God, I know I did a bad thing But my marriage is the only thing that makes me happy. Please don't let my husband find out."

She hears a voice from above: Okay my child it will be. But the only condition is, years from now you're going to die by drowning.

The woman agrees. The next years of her life become wonderful. She even wins the lottery and starts a successful business. Forgetting her conversation with God, she books a vacation on a cruise ship. During her cruise, the ship starts sinking. Remembering her faith, she starts praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown a whole ship full of people because of me right?

She hears a familiar voice once again: "Are you kidding me? I've been gathering you whores for years"

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Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

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I have a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

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A man walks into a bar...

And stays there my entire childhood.

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Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with a medicine man living in a nearby village who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the village and saw the medicine man.

The old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a firm grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the medicine man, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4'", he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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I was blessed with a 10 inch penis....

But the priest is in jail now.

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Can your D*ck touch your as*hole?

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dck touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fck yourself, these are my chips."

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Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..

But not many people can run two countries at once

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My favorite Lent joke (as told to me by an Episcopal reverend)

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood. It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.

The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around. During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat. Every day at lunch, however, as his neighbors were eating cold tuna sandwiches, the Protestant would grill himself a big, juicy steak that could be smelled throughout the neighborhood.

Several weeks into Lent, the Catholics meet after Mass to discuss the issue. They didn't want to be unneighborly, but the smell was really driving them crazy.

Then, one of them comes up with a suggestion: since the Protestant moved to a Catholic community, maybe he'd be open to converting. While it wouldn't fix the problem that year, it would make next year's Lent go much more smoothly. After much debate, they agree to bring the offer to the Protestant.

To their surprise and delight, he is completely open to converting. He goes through the process and gets rebaptized as a Catholic. The entire neighborhood shows up for his confirmation, where the priest splashes him with holy water while saying, "You were born a Protestant ... you were raised a Protestant ... and now you're a Catholic."

The next year goes smoothly, and the whole neighborhood gets along great. Then, Lent rolls around again. As everyone is at home with their cold tuna sandwiches, a smell permeates the air: charcoal, wood chips, STEAK. Confused, everyone rushes over to the convert's house.

They find him standing over his grill, a juicy steak cooking away. He's splashing the slab of meat with beer, and the neighbors hear him speaking in a solemn voice.

"You were born a cow ... you were raised a cow ... and now you're a fish."

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. “There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

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Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell somebody else that he's a vegan.

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The car of the future is taking shape—and it will know how we feel about it

The car of the future is taking shape—and it will know how we feel about it
Love it or hate it, CES is where you see the future of the automobile.

February 12, 2018 at 01:49AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2EmgcZp

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

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A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

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After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Husband: That is true - wars require strategy and logic.

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Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies when we're having sex, over."

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