Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Funny Video

Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)

Funny Picture

Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)

Funny Game

Play game and comfortable :)

Funny Funny

Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.

Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 11, 2017

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 280 characters

So Trump can't tweet it..

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says “Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”

The man doesn’t pause before screaming: “Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me. Well I go into this rage! I stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I push it over the edge right at him. I don’t know what happened cause I had a heart attack while doing it!”

Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked

“Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in”

“Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower and walked out onto my balcony to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it... but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn and grab onto this balcony when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! So I fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face”

Peter nods... perplexed... “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go... next”

This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in”

The guy looks at him and goes “Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry

How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.

"I think it's snowing" says the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A woman gave her little boy a dollar and told him to go spend it wisely

So the boy walks out the door and starts walking down the street, when he sees a man holding a duck.

"Hey mister," the boy asks, "that's a nice duck. Where did you get it?"

"I found it," the man said, "and I'm taking it to the market to sell."

"How much do you want for it?" the little boy asked.

"A dollar."

Well, the little boy had a dollar, so he bought the duck, and went off to play with him. Soon enough a woman comes by and notices the duck.

"Hey, that's an adorable duck you have there," she said.

"Thanks," the little boy said, "I just bought it."

"Well, I'd love a duck like that," the woman said, "but I'm a little short on cash. But I've been known to turn a trick or two, so if you want we could go back to my place and we could trade."

Well, the little boy had never been with a woman before, but that seemed like a good deal. So back they went to her place, he handed her the duck, and they made love. Now, some people have to work hard to get good at things, and some people are just naturals. Our little boy here...well, let's just say he was a natural. After 15 mind-blowing minutes he and the woman lay panting in bed.

"Wow," she said,"that was the best sex I've ever had. I...I loved it. I want to go again."

"Ok," said the little boy, "but in that case I want my duck back."

The woman readily agreed, and they made passionate love for another round. Finally spent, the little boy collected his duck and left her apartment. As he turned to close the door, however, the duck ran away and right into oncoming traffic -- where it was struck by a passing truck. The man in the truck screeched to a halt, and jumped out, but there was no saving the duck.

"I'm so sorry," the man said,"it was totally an accident."

"That's ok," the little boy replied, "he only cost a dollar anyways."

"Well let me reimburse you," the man said, "it's the least I can do."

So the man gave the little boy a dollar, and the little boy proceeded home to his mother.

"Did you spend your dollar?" his mother asked.

"I did," he replied.

"Well, what did you get?"

"I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck from a guy in a truck for a fucked up duck."

Net Neutrality Is Not the Problem | Backchannel


Net Neutrality Is Not the Problem | Backchannel
I’ve got bad news for everyone who is working overtime to protest Federal Communications Commission chair Ajit Pai’s campaign to eliminate net neutrality: You are being tricked.

November 29, 2017 at 09:39PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2jyL37I

Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

My wife and I decided not to have kids...

..the kids are taking it pretty hard.

Datasheet of a Woman

Element | Woman

Symbol | ♀

Discoverer | Adam

Atomic Mass   | Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg

Physical Properties:

  1. Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint
  2. Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes with no apparent reason
  3. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.

Chemical Properties:

  1. Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones.
  2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
  3. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Hazards

  1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
  2. Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must not make contact.

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “I’ve got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night,” she sobbed. “Oh come on now! You’ve plenty of clothes,” and with that he went over to the wardrobe. “See here, there’s the nice pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi there Tom, the green silk gown…”

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 11, 2017

A little 8yo boy, shows up to a whorehouse with a dead frog and demands to see the madame.

An elderly woman comes out and asks what she can do for him. He explains that he wishes to pay for the services of the cheapest girl in the house, but that she absolutely must have herpes. The madame, of course, initially refuses, but the boy cries and cries until she gives in.

Out comes Tiffany, the most decrepit broad you've ever seen, and the madame says to the boy "It's $20 for an hour with Tiffany, but you have to leave the dead frog outside."

The boy agrees.

An hour later the boy comes out from the back, beaming from ear to ear, and collects his frog. As he's leaving, the madame stops him and says "before you go, I must know-- why did you insist on a girl with herpes?"

The boy responds, "well you see ma'am, it's simple. I've got herpes now. When I go home, my babysitter will touch me down there, and she'll get the herpes. My dad likes the babysitter a lot, so he'll get the herpes, and then my mom will get it too."

The madame replies, "go on..."

The boy says, "Well, my mom is really good friends with the mailman. So the mailman will get herpes, and he likes to touch his son, so HIS son will get herpes too!"

The madame asks, "but why do you want your mailman's son to have herpes?"....

and the boy replies, "That's the fucker who killed my frog!"

Lady & her $130k Mercedes

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and angrily began to complain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word “Jazz", and the radio changed to a station playing a Louis Armstrong Masterpiece. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio again and said “rock ‘n’ roll",the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily shouted, “Asshole!”

…The radio immediately cut over to Ajit Pai's press conference.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

They are about to sit down when the bartender says: “It costs $60 to sit on the chair.” The priest and the rabbi say “That’s absurd! What’s the reason for this charge?” The bartender says “Well the goal is to provide patrons with a sense of pride and accompli—“

The priest and the rabbi throw themselves at the bartender and beat him to death, because enough of the damn EA jokes already.

An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you'd should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'

'Impossible!!' she bellowed.

The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?" He then turns to the wife, "Keep walking, Saida."

A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..."

The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"

"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

Hitler: "Mine less, then."

Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."

Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver

One goes WHACK “FUCK”

And the other goes “FUCK” WHACK

An older man and his grandson are on a plane when one of the engines starts to fail.

Realizing they are still flying over a mountain range and have nowhere safe to put down, the pilot and co-pilot devise a plan to keep the plane aloft in the sky for everyone's safety. The pilot grabs his microphone and announces to the passengers,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. As I'm sure some of you have noticed, one of the engines is sputtering black smoke and we are losing altitude at a somewhat alarming rate. I want to assure you that I have no intention of crashing into the mountains, so in an effort to remain in the sky we are going to dump the cargo to lighten the airplane. Once we are done, we will assess if further action is necessary. Thank you for flying with us today."

Under the pilot's orders, the flight crew empties the cargo hold of the plane. Unfortunately, while the plane is falling more slowly, it's not enough. The pilot addresses the passengers again,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. We have successfully offloaded the cargo from the aircraft but unfortunately we are still losing altitude too quickly to make it to the nearest landing site. The only thing left we have to let go of is people- now, I want everyone to remain calm. My co-pilot and I have determined a fair way to select volunteers to equip parachutes and we are broadcasting drop locations with our distress call, rescue crews will come for you soon. Without further ado, it pains me to ask... The first letter is A, so would all the African Americans please make your way to the flight crew where they will escort you to the cargo bay for departure."

The older man remains seated, while his grandson sulkingly starts to stand.

"Sit down, boy," his grandfather says. "But grandpa, we're African Americans." "I said sit down, boy."

After a few monents the captain comes back on,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. We're making progress. Next is B, would the Black folks please make their way to the cargo bay for departure. Rescue crews will be on the way to you momentarily."

The little boy goes to stand again, but his grandfather sternly says to him, "I said sit down, boy. How many times I got to tell you?" "But grandpa," he protests, "We're black!" "Sit down and shut your mouth, I mean it." Confused, the boy sits again. After a few moments, the captain comes back on,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. Every brave soul is a hero, and we need more heroes. C is up next, would all the Coloured people please make their way to the cargo bay for departure. Thank you."

The boy, once again, stands up.

"I said sit your ass down boy! Don't make me say it again or I will wear your ass out right here right now! "BUT GRANDPA!" The boy shouts, "Aren't we African American, Black, AND Coloured?"

Without skipping a beat his grandfather grabs him by the shoulders and stares straight into his eyes as he says,

"Not today boy. Today we are Niggers, and we ain't gettin' off this fuckin' plane until the damned Mexicans do!"

Andy was sent to prison

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

A Conversation with Chuck Palahniuk, the Author of ‘Fight Club’ and the Man Behind Tyler Durden


A Conversation with Chuck Palahniuk, the Author of ‘Fight Club’ and the Man Behind Tyler Durden
In this wide-ranging interview, the author of "Fight Club" discusses his most famous character, grief, nihilism and the concept of manliness.

November 28, 2017 at 07:28AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2ib1DOG

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics ?

Oops.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild...

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 11, 2017

I used to work at a bank,

an old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

I used to be Christian...

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: Its all right, I don't really care for those sort of things.

Her: Thank god! Its much better now that i'm Christine!

Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?" "Yes" "I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.

"Do you see that neighbourhood there?" "Yes" "I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"

The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.

"Do you see the big tree over there?" "Yes" "Well fuck! I didn't!"

The first rule about Thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

How I Fucked A Homeless Girl...

I asked a good looking, young homeless woman if I could take her home today... and she said yes with a huge smile...

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

We're getting a divorce after 45 years..

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." Paul is suddenly whisked away, clawing the ground as he is dragged off.

Bob stands alone in the room, quaking with fear, when Kate Upton walks in! He can't believe his luck! Suddenly, the voice says,

"Kate! You have sinned!"

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up

I wish I'd never put it on now

After marijuana, are magic mushrooms next to be decriminalised in California?


After marijuana, are magic mushrooms next to be decriminalised in California?
Kevin Saunders, a mayoral candidate for the city of Marina, just south of the San Francisco Bay, has filed a proposal that would exempt adults over the age of 21 from any penalties over possessing, growing, selling or transporting psychedelic psilocybin mushrooms.

November 27, 2017 at 12:36PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2nbuLHl

Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?"

The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballets, Hitler returns and asks:

"Who the fuck is Ajit Pai!?"

Why is suicide illegal?

destruction of government property.

Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee." Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 11, 2017

I wish my college was run by EA

At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

An engineer dies and...

An Engineer dies, and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God rings down and asks Satan,"So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him back up here!" Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff.. I'm keeping him". God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue". "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"

I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me

I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in

What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man

I was having intimate relations with a married woman.

A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"

Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot

We’ll we’ll we’ll

If it isn’t auto correct.

On his deathbed, on old Jew tells his wife:

‘Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?’ - ‘ Sure I was, Moshe’

‘When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me, no?- ‘ I was Moshe.’

‘And now you’re at my death bed, aren’t you?’ - ‘I am, darling’

‘I’m starting to think you’re bad luck, Sarah.’

The year is 2064 and r/jokes is still going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"

The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"

When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years.

He messages the admin "What happened?" The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before"

Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

I took my mother in law out today

I love being a sniper

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

Ten Long Years of Trying to Make Armie Hammer Happen


Ten Long Years of Trying to Make Armie Hammer Happen
How many second chances does a handsome white male star get?

November 27, 2017 at 12:46AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2zsKZNB

Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

Grandpa & grandson

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.

The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," says the Grandpa, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin".

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll

The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married...

... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.

A kid asked his dad..

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic? Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars. Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 11, 2017

Bob and the nudist colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Bob immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob is very happy and continues exploring the facilities.

He enters a sauna, sits down and lets one rip.

Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”

The huge man says, “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked, receptionist. “May I help you sir?”

Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee.”

The shocked receptionist says, “But, sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours. You have only seen a small fraction of our facilities.”

Bob replies, “Listen lady - I'm 58 years old. I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate?

He looked like a fucking idiot.

The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The UK not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone by anyone spend a weekend drinking, and come back Monday morning concluding it's to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

My drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He eventually got arrested after the police saw that people let him in

6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8 ,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventually the manager comes out and gets his story, helps him clean up, gave him credit for the gas, which calmed the guy down a bit, enough to continue on with his day.

So hes driving down the highway, and decides he needs a smoke. He goes to light a cigarette, and his arm is engulfed in flames.

He's in the middle lane so he can't just pull over, so he sticks his arm out the window, waving it around hoping the wind will put the fire out. Luckily though there was a sheriff a couple cars back, so he flips on his siren, gets everyone out of the way so the guy can park, and runs up with his jacket and throws it on the guys arm.

So now he's mad, in pain, his day just can't get any worse.

After the medics bandaged his arm up, the officer goes to speak with him and get more of his story. After listening, the officer tells the man to put his hands behind his back, he cuffs them and reads the man his rights.

So now he's freaking out, being put in the back of the cruiser. "Officer, why am I being arrested? What did I do?"

The officer says as he shuts the door "Son, its against the law to drive around waving firearms at people."

The only thing that flat earthers fear...

is sphere itself.

How The Sandwich Consumed Britain


How The Sandwich Consumed Britain
The sandwich industry has transformed the way Brits each lunch and breakfast — and now it's coming for dinner.

November 26, 2017 at 12:58AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2A5MGUS

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Why are Catholic priests called "Father?"

Because "Daddy" would be too suspicious.

If I see one more fucking post about Net Neutrality

I'll have to pay for it.

Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 11, 2017

Why do Bald Men have holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

A barber got arrested..

A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I’m totally shook. I’ve been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg

An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "but i have to ask. Why do you have a 'WY' tatooed on your penis?" "You got me," responds the Irish sailor. "Me girl back home is named Wendy, and the tattoo says 'Wendy' when fully erect." The American nods and goes on his way.

A few days later, the American again walks up to a urinal and starts peeing. A few seconds later, a Nigerian sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing as well. Again, the American's eyes wander and, surprisingly, he sees the same "WY" tattoo on the Nigerian's penis. Shocked and confused, the American says "Look I know this sounds weird, but do you have a girl named Wendy back home waiting for you?" "No," the Nigerian responds, "I just really miss my home country so I got a tattoo that says 'Welcome to Nigeria, we hope you have a wonderful day' when fully erect."

My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.

The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.

The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”

The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”

“Oh, that’s fine. I’ll just have some French Onion Soup, then.”

“Sir, I told you, we’re out of onions.”

“I understand. I’ll have some onion-stuffed quesadilla.”

“Sir for the last time, we are out of onions.”

“Alright, alright! I hear you! I’m not that hungry anyways, I’ll just get those all-natural onion rings you have there.”

The frustrated waiter, growing impatient, sighs, and looks at the man.

“Look,” he says. “What do you get if you take the ‘milk’ out of ‘buttermilk?’”

The man, confused, replies, “Uh, you just have the word butter.”

“And what do you get if you take the ‘straw’ out of ‘strawberry?’”

The man, still perplexed, responds, “Berry.”

“And what do you get if you take the ‘fuck’ out of ‘onions?’”

“There ain’t no ‘fuck’ in ‘onions!’”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

Everyone knows Albert Einstein was a genius...

but his brother, Frank, was a real monster.

Everything We Definitely Know About 'The Room's Tommy Wiseau


Everything We Definitely Know About 'The Room's Tommy Wiseau
Tommy Wiseau directed the legendarily awful 2003 motion picture "The Room"; this we know for certain. Beyond that, things start to get murky.

November 24, 2017 at 10:06PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2A3W9eQ

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.

The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet,

Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.

You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange.

Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship

Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.”

Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 11, 2017

Why do North Koreans draw the best lines?

Because they have a Supreme Ruler.

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

Little Johnny

A door to door sales woman knocks on a door. Little Johnny opens the door holding a tumbler of scotch and a lit cigar. The woman, visibly shaken, asks "Little boy is your mother home?". Little Johnny takes a sip of his scotch and a draw from his cigar before he looks her dead in her eyes and says "What the fuck do you think?".

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop

“Jump in, I’ll give you a lift home” I said. “Fuck off” he shouted back. “What an ungrateful little cunt” I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Why don't hillbillies do reverse cowgirl?

Because they don't turn their back on family.

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?” “Try it and find out.” The old man responded. “Is the soup too cold?” “Try it.” “I-is it too hot?” “Just try it.” “Not enough vegetables, too much broth, does it smell funny?” “What are ya, mishegas? Just try the soup!” The old man shouts. “Alright!” The waiter gives in. “Where’s the spoon?” He looks over the table. The old man just smiles.

Facebook will help some users figure out if they saw Russian propaganda during the 2016 U.S. presidential election


Facebook will help some users figure out if they saw Russian propaganda during the 2016 U.S. presidential election
So far, Google and Twitter have not detailed their plans.

November 23, 2017 at 09:32PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2A1kAJW

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account.

I swear to God I'm going to find you.

EDIT: No you won't.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister.

You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

They say that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.

Once there was this judge who just sentenced a man

The man asked the judge,

“Hypothetically, what would happen if I called you a motherfucker?”

The judge answered “If you were to call me a motherfucker, then I would sentence you for contempt to the court and you would spend the night in jail”

“Alright, said the man, but what if I was just thinking it?”

“I have no authority on what’s in your head. You’re free to think whatever you please.”

“In that case, your honor, I think that you’re a motherfucker.”

(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course.

Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window

The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Yeees..?"

Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?"

Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is on the other room, follow me.

The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staying intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball.

Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didnt mean to.."

The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that case for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?"

Wife: "uh I want lots of money...."

"Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account."

Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!"

"You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband.

Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country."

Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay."

Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!"

Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that case for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife."

Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all that money and houses. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different."

Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Play well do it"

The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you dont mind me asking how old are you ans your wife?"

Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?"

Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies.....

Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 11, 2017

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage, this joke never gets old, just like the baby

A man called up his son and told him that he and his mother were getting a divorce...

"Wait", said the son. "Why?"

"I know I didn't say anything about it but I've been miserable for months now and I can't stand it anymore."

"No! Don't! Why didn't you ever say anything about this?"

"Well, I just didn't want to bother you and your sister. I've already got my bags and I'm going to a hotel. Your mom and I are looking to file our papers next week."

"No, don't do anything. We're going to come over tomorrow and see if we can work this out. Can you wait until tomorrow?"

"Well, ok. Maybe you and Mary should bring your kids too. Your mom might like that."

"Ok, I will. See you tomorrow."

He hung up the phone and said, "Honey, the kids are coming over for Thanksgiving."

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year...

Looks like I’m in for a wild December

A farmer drives to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocks on the door

A boy, about 9, opens the door.

"Is your Dad or Mom home?" asks the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

The young boy finally says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. If that’s not why you’re here, I can give Mom or Dad a message."

"Well." The farmer looks extremely uncomfortable. "I need to talk to your Dad about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Suzy, pregnant.".

The boy tilts his head to the side and thinks about that for a moment. "You WILL have to talk to my Dad about that.” He decides. “I know he charges $50 for our bulls to service other folks' cows and he charges $15 for our boars to service other folks' sows. I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!

Can You Spot The Leopard In This Photo?


Can You Spot The Leopard In This Photo?
In this picture, you probably see three goat-like animals called Himalayan blue sheep and a whole lot of rocks. But you probably don't see a snow leopard — at least not at first glance.

November 23, 2017 at 12:45AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2zcnvfN

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...

After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.

Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".

The FCC is for the people

That's the entire joke.

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,

A Wellfleet man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,".

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobster that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...

I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speech. "Which one of you sneezed?" said Stalin, obviously perturbed. But everyone is the audience was too paralyzed with fear to say anything. So Stalin said, "Very well. First row stand up!", and on that command the whole first row stood at attention. Then Stalin ordered "Guards! Open fire!" And with that, the guards shot everyone in the entire first row. "Now," said Stalin once again, "who sneezed?" Again, everyone was too afraid to say anything. Again he ordered, "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" And now the second row was shot, falling into a great bloody heap. "Now, who sneezed? Third row...." "Wait! Wait!" , cried a man in the back of the hall. The man hurried forward. "Comrade Stalin! It was I! I'm the one who sneezed!" Stalin glared at the man, "It was you who sneezed?" The man looked down ashamedly, "Yes, Comrade Stalin." Stalin gave the man a nod and a little smile, "Bless you, Comrade!"

if you commit a crime 90 times,

if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times . . . . because sin90=cot45

So, a lawyer goes to heaven...

Just kidding.

I got fired from the keyboard factory earlier today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 11, 2017

If I ever end up on life support unplug me...

then plug me back in again, see if that works.

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

Sex with the priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

Someone was killed with a starter pistol today.

Police think it was race related.

Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

The Picture in Her Mind


The Picture in Her Mind
In her famous essays on the Sixties and Seventies, Joan Didion surveyed a society on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now, more and more, critics are re-reading what she wrote.

November 21, 2017 at 07:39PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2zVycXI

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Girl Trouble

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated.

But if it looks like bud light, you're good.

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 11, 2017

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

How did 10 die?

because it was in the middle of 9 11.

Where is happiness made?

At the satisfactory.

Did you hear the one about the LGBTQ2S+ community?

They're working together to build the perfect password

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Divorced man gets 3 wishes

A man, who was recently divorced from his wife was roaming thru the desert randomly struck his foot on an ancient Arab lamp and WOOSH out comes a magical genie

[Genie] You have awoken me and now you may have 3 wishes....but remember anything that you wish for your ex wife will receive double!

[Man] OK, Genie, I want 50 million dollars!!

[Genie] Granted, but remember your ex wife will receive 100 millions dollars!

[Man] I don't care, shes gone and I'll have 50 million!

[Genie] Granted, what is your second wish

[Man] I want a mansion island house on the island of Hawaii!

[Genie] Are you sure? Your ex wife will have 2 and it is a very small island

[Man] Yes Yes I can deal

[Genie] Granted, ok what is your third wish?

[Man] ....let me take a second to think.......Ah I got it! Genie, I want you to beat me half to death!

KID : What are condoms used for?

DAD : To avoid such questions.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldnt complain

A young Italian couple get married,

Maria and Luigi, and they can only afford to spend their honeymoon night at Maria's Mama's house. Maria is a nervous virgin, but finally Mama 'shoos' her upstairs to be with her husband. Luigi is sitting on the bed admiring Maria, undressing her with his eyes. Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama is cooking spaghetti and screams, "Mama, Mama! He's a got such a wild a look in his eyes!" Mama says "Oh that's a good; it a means he's a passionate a man. You go on back up a stairs." When Maria gets back to Luigi, he has taken off his shirt exposing a very dark hairy torso. Again, Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama is still cooking spaghetti and screams, "Mama, Mama! He's a got such a hairy a chest!" Mama says "Oh that's a good, too, you're a lucky Maria, it a means he's a good a virile a man. You go on back up a stairs." So again, Maria goes to Luigi, and he has taken off his shoes and socks. Maria sees that he's missing all his toes and part of his instep on his left foot. Maria screams and running to the kitchen falls on her knees and moans "Oh, Mama Mia, Luigi has a foot and a half!" Mama drops her spoon and says, "Here, Maria! I'm a go up stairs, you cook the spagett..."

We Have A New Favorite Japanese Game Show, And It's Called 'Slippery Stairs'


We Have A New Favorite Japanese Game Show, And It's Called 'Slippery Stairs'
We have a new favorite Japanese game show, which is really saying something.

November 21, 2017 at 01:59AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2mL8lMN

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."

"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.

The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.

Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.

His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"

Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."

His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

19 and 20 had a fight

21

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...

The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,

"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family."

Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it.

"It went just like you said!" she says. "But I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 11, 2017

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

I found my first grey pubic hair today

I just didn’t expect it to be in my Big Mac

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:

"0, 1, 2, 3..."

I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...

As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"

So I started smiling...

Joke a friend sent me.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't a fucking electric fence."

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”

And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”

Edit: if you don’t get it, read it out loud.

Edit: minute-really small.

This Housewife's Scandalous Sex Memoir Was Banned by the Supreme Court


This Housewife's Scandalous Sex Memoir Was Banned by the Supreme Court
In "The Housewife's Handbook on Selective Promiscuity", forward-thinking author Lillian Maxine Serett a.k.a. Rey Anthony preached the joys of female pleasure. The government responded by seizing and destroying all copies.

November 20, 2017 at 02:58AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2zRBHy6

Sex after marriage

A girl and a boy meet at the discotheque and after a couple of dances it is obvious that they are really attracted to each other.

The boy asks the girl home and she accepts.

Once at home, nature being nature and the attraction being strong, after some kissing and petting, the boy makes some forceful advances.

The girl tells him “John I really find you physically attractive and even I want to do this, but we must wait”

John says “Mary you do not know how beautiful you are, I have some condoms in my pocket, and I cannot wait anymore”

Mary replies “In our family we are deeply religious and I have to tell you that kissing and petting is all fine, but for me there will be no sex before marriage”

John breaks away from the embrace, sits up on the bed, pulls out a piece of paper and starts writing on it.

“What are you writing” asks Mary; “My phone number” says John.

“And what pushed you into suddenly writing your number” asks Mary.

“Here” says John, “call me when you are married”.

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

A pee fetish isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either urine or you're out.

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He looked at me, winked and said, "I'll be free in ten minutes."

Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 11, 2017

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

The Pope, Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and a third grade child are flying on a small plane.

The pilot, Captain Heelspurs, runs into trouble and realizes they’re going to crash. He races to the cabin, grabs a parachute, and bails, hollering, “There are three parachutes left. You guys are on your own.”

Angela Merkel says, “Since I’m the leader of the free world now, I need to survive.” She takes a parachute and exits the plane.

Donald Trump says, “Well, I’m the smartest man in the world, so I get a parachute too,” and off he goes.

The Pope tells the third grader, “Don’t worry, my child. I’ve lived a long and miraculous life. You take the parachute, and I’ll go down with the plane.”

“That’s okay, sir,” says the child. “There are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack.”

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell...

...and, looking at it now, I see why.

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he knows that none of them will satisfy his wife for the entire duration of his trip. Defeated, he approaches the strange looking clerk and begins to explain his situation. The clerk reaches under the desk and pulls out a hand carved wooden box that is covered in ancient writing and symbols. "This," explains the clerk, "will serve your purpose." He opens the box to reveal a wooden phallus, darkened by age and covered in dust. "Really?" "Just watch" says the clerk, and loudly speaks "VOODOO DICK THE DOOR." Suddenly the artifact begins glowing and floats out of the box. It rockets across the room and starts attempting to penetrate the keyhole. The lights flicker as the walls begin to shake while the thing just goes to town on the keyhole. As a crack begins to run across the ceiling, the clerk shouts "VOODOO HALT!" and the magical dick floats gently back to the box. "I'll take it" says the businessman, already reaching for his credit card. "A word of caution," begins the clerk, "only the magic words can start or stop it's process. Nothing else will work." The man takes his gift home and presents it to his wife. He is so excited to tell her how to start it and what it does,, he neglects to tell her how to stop it. Even though she is skeptical she accepts the gift and the man departs. After seven days the wife is getting extremely horny. She wants to remain faithful, but is already starting to fantasize about the neighbor and the pool boy. On day 10 she finally lets her sexual tension overcome her. Just as she is about to get some strange, she remembers the gift. She figures it couldn't hurt to try it, even if she makes a fool of herself she is alone at home. She strips and lays down, opening the box. "Voodoo dick my pussy" she says, almost sarcastically. Suddenly, the Voodoo dick flies straight to her crotch and begins intensely pleasuring her. It goes the exact right speed and angle. It is the best sex she has ever had. Two orgasms quickly turns to six, and there is no sign of stopping. She tries to stop it; grab it, but nothing hinders its mission. After fruitless internet research and four more orgasms she determines that the only remaining option is to go to the hospital. She can barely stay on her feet as she puts on her clothes and attempts to walk to the car. While driving, she has another orgasm, causing her to swerve and nearly hit a sign. A cop sees her car swerve and pulls her over. She stops, and as he approaches the window she begins to explain. "I'm so sorry officer," she says, trembling in pleasure, "but I can barely drive because I have this Voodoo dick pounding away at my pussy..." The officer rolls his eyes and replies "Voodoo dick my ass!"

What do you call a Roman who just went down on his girlfriend?

Glad he ate her... Are you not entertained?

There was this tramp.

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...

... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

/ till the ocean grew dim...

and the earth itself...

began to shrink...

past our moon...

and on...

and Mars...

and on...

higher, and higher...

through the asteroid belt...

and on and on towards the diving board...

past the outer planets, until...

on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

and then...

.' '. . . . . he jumped. . . . . : Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, : speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets, . . . . .

.

.

.

.

through the asteroid belt,

past Mars,

and the moon,

faster,

and faster,

faster - ever faster,

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster,

past the albatross,

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...

"For me to tell you, I'll need $49.95"

The captain outrageously asked why.

The tramp said

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes, As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we’re looking at average per-player credit earn rates on a daily basis, and we’ll be making constant adjustments to ensure that players have challenges that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via gameplay.

We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current topics here on Reddit, our forums and across numerous social media outlets.

Our team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can."

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun

Walk into a bar

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

How Politics And Bad Decisions Starved New York's Subways


How Politics And Bad Decisions Starved New York's Subways
Disruptions and delays have roiled the system this year. But the crisis was long in the making, fueled by a litany of errors, a Times investigation shows.

November 19, 2017 at 01:13AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2zRrL5j

An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser.

Barman: Oh, you must be American. American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh? Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.

What's the difference between a good joke?

and a bad joke timing.

How do you say "no" in Japanese?

EA.

Tell a man a joke and He'll laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke and He'll repost it for a lifetime.

Someone broke into my apartment last night and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?

A London lawyer is driving

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 11, 2017

Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

A German joke from 1944

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

My girlfriend broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair

But I'm not bothered, I know she'll come crawling back any day now

My neighbour knocked at my door at 2:30am!

Lucky for him i was still up playing my drums.

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!"

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.

The grandfather asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

The grandson says, "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender -- but they beat the fucking shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"

The grandfather says, "Well who the fuck did you go with boy?"

The grandson says through tears, "My friends from school, who did you go with?"

The grandfather says, "Well... the Nazis"

The New Tesla Roadster's Acceleration Doesn't Even Look Real


The New Tesla Roadster's Acceleration Doesn't Even Look Real
0-60 in 1.9 seconds and it shows.

November 17, 2017 at 10:23PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2AP29pf

Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day

Give a fish a man and feed it for a month

A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 11, 2017

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron women?

One is a super hero and the other is a simple comand.

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied.

The pharmacist took one condom out of the package and rolled it around her thumb. She told me to be very careful that it's very important to make sure it's secured well.

Then she looked around the store and noticed there was nobody else there. She quickly locked the door and took me to the back of the store. She took off her shirt and bra.

"Does this excite you?" She asked.

I nodded. Then she said it was time for me to put on the condom. While I was doing that, she took off her pants and panties and layed down on the table.

"Hurry up, we don't have much time!" she said.

So I quickly jumped on to her. It felt so good that I almost came immediately. She looked a bit disappointed and said:

"I hope you secured it well!"

"It sure is!" I replied, giving her a thumbs up!

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

Why would a phone need glasses?

When it's lost its contacts.

Grandpa Passed Recently. This Was His Favorite Joke

An older couple is driving across the country when they get pulled over by a cop - the husband is driving.

"Sir do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Says the police officer.

"What'd he say?!" the man's wife screams at him.

"We got pulled over for speeding!" Man yells back at his wife. She nods in understanding.

"May I see your license please?" The police officer asks the driver.

"What'd he say?!" the wife again screams at the driver.

"He wants to see my license!!" the man explains back to his wife. She again, nods in understanding.

The man hands the officer his license and a smile spreads across the officers face.

"Tallahassee, Florida? I had the worst fuck of my life there!!" the officer chuckles.

"What'd he say?!?!" the woman yells again.

The man looks at the officer and then looks at his wife and shouts back "He says he thinks he knows you!"

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $200 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone else giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Eh, Roughly a gallon."

After work, I volunteer to help blind children

By the way: Verb, not adjective

An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German

Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.

The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.

"Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"

A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.

Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?

Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.

Police Officer: And?

Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.

Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!

Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.

Apology after train departs seconds early


Apology after train departs seconds early
Management on the Tsukuba Express line between Tokyo and the city of Tsukuba say they "sincerely apologise for the inconvenience" caused.

November 16, 2017 at 07:35PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2z6dXH9

Why are retired Nazis so good with animals?

They're veteran Aryans.

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.  

'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.

  The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!" 

'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"

Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting. 

"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

"They won't let me in without a tie..."

Why were the star wars movies released 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8?

In charge of planning Yoda was.

How did the triangle kill itself?

It used a hypotenuse.

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

Why is a blowjob, like the military?

The closer you get to a discharge, the better you feel.

Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world?

Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 11, 2017

Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee

Brocco Lee

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

My wife and I did it Doggy Style last night...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

Edit: I've been refreshing the page and watching this post climb just in the hopes that I could link this.

Mission accomplished, I'm going to sleep.

My wife is weird...

She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

A farmhand hits a pig with his truck

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:

"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display

"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display

"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display

Real Dog Jealously Watches Its Owner Pet A Fake Dog, Finally Snaps


Real Dog Jealously Watches Its Owner Pet A Fake Dog, Finally Snaps
"I gave you all my love, every day, and this is how you repay me?"

November 16, 2017 at 12:50AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2zDxbDs

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked?

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked? "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked? As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."

A naked woman robbed a bank..

No one could remember her face.

What do Hitler and EA have in common?

You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Told my girlfriend that my mom is deaf so speak very loud and very slow...

...Told my mom that my girlfriend is retarded.

Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 11, 2017

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War.

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over the Russian, and all the concrete mix is stacked up nice and orderly. The boss tells him "great work!" and moves on.

He walks up to the Mexican and sees that al the wood is stacked in a perfect pile, so he says "wonderful job!" and moves on.

He then looks around and sees that the Korean is missing, and supplies are everywhere. Out of nowhere, the Korean jumps out from behind a pile of dirt and yells "SUPPLIES!"

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

What is the fastest way to become a millionaire?

Step 1: become a billionaire.

Step 2: buy an EA game.

My 1st grader got home from school and asked me

"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"

And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"

My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"

So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "hello" were two different words with completely different meanings.

A few days later I got a call from his teacher saying I needed to have a conversation with my son concerning his language. She said my son won't stop saying "shitto"

Edit: This is actually a true story that my co-worker told me about her friend's son!

The funniest joke I've heard happen organically.

I was sat in front of a couple I didn't know on the bus who were arguing. The girl was asking why the guy never made more of an effort romantically, but he's saying that it doesn't come naturally to him to make these big gestures. She keeps angrily saying he needs to be more spontaneous.

He says "I'm a guy, I can't just turn it on like a tap."

She says "Force it!"

He says "Fine, I can't just turn it on like a faucet".

Unsurprisingly, this didn't help. Neither did it help that the guy in front of them cracked up and turned around for a high five.

The Cause and Consequences of the Retail Apocalypse


The Cause and Consequences of the Retail Apocalypse
Private equity firms overburdened businesses with debt, and now workers are paying the price. Will policymakers do anything about it?

November 14, 2017 at 10:53PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2zK1upK

So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.

"That'll be $1" answers the barman.

"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"

"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

after allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

All we need now is for someone to come forward and say EA has been sexually harassing them

Actually, that applies to all of us. They've been fucking us for years.