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Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 6, 2016

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls

How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke?

When they're looking over their shoulder.

A very attractive, well dressed, woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.

She looks around and finds the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. “Good day Miss, how may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug costs?”

He answers, “Lady, if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!”

A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.

“Charlie Smith,” someone shouted,” “is that you?”

“Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Who are you?”

“We're from the Red Cross.”

“I gave at the office!” Charlie shouted back.

Dead again..

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.

A father has a conversation with his twin sons.

One day sick of hiding in the closet the two boys decide to come out to their father. They sit their 67 year old father into his favourite lazy boy and bring him his pipe.


The dad amicably addresses his sons. "Well, what do you want, boys?" The first son brings sits down after seeing he's in a good mood and starts. "Dad... I'm gay. My friend and I have been dating for eight months. I want your blessing."


The Dad smiles taking a drag out of his pipe. "Kid, I've known you were gay since you were four. What's best is you accept yourself and I'm glad you've gained the confidence to..."


The second son relieved decides to come out of the closet as well. "D, dad. I'm a brony. I want to be with Princess Celestia and one day I..."


The father sighs and interrupts his second son.


"Can't you just like dicks like your brother? Why do you have to be such a faggot, boy?"

Want to hear a word I made up?


The cannibal was late to dinner

He was given the cold shoulder

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

I know pretty well how batteries must feel

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

Trust is everything

Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip. After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students. They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking. Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: "I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I'm sure this bloody thing won't even start"

2016 Election Forecast

2016 Election Forecast
Three different forecasting models, 50 states and a lot of data visualization all leads to one conclusion: Hillary Clinton is sitting pretty as the favorite for the President of the United States of America.

June 30, 2016 at 01:46AM
via Digg

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The golfer looked up and replied, 'I'm sorry old chap, I'm English and I'm afraid I couldn't understand a word you were saying'

The greenkeeper shouted back, 'I said, use both hands, you'll get more in!'

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

There are plenty of fish in the sea...

...but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

A terribly ugly woman enters a store.

On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they don't know, either.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

The Misunderstanding

Hi John,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

The Actions:

John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.

The Second Message:

Hi John,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife”. Technology eh?? Hope you got a chuckle from that.

Regards, Alan.

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D...

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

The guy replies: "If I say 'why the rabbit?' I will get the job, am I right?"

The inspector, baffled, asks: "How did you know that?!"

The guy replies: "Because I read this shit every fucking day in /r/jokes".

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 6, 2016

3 mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who`s the hardest...

Aberdeen mouse says: "I go up tae mousetraps, rip the cheese oot & and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times & throw it across the room!" Edinburgh mouse says: I get rat poison, crush it intae powder & snort it!" Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door.. "where u goin?" asked the other two, "hame tae shag the cat"

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

Three shelves of stuffed animals

A man and a woman meet at a singles' bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.

Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-size ones on the middle shelf, and small ones on the bottom shelf. He doesn't have time to pay attention to them, of course.

After they have sex, the man says to the woman, "So, how was it?"

The woman thinks for a while and responds, "Eh, take one from the bottom shelf."

What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

So I gave a blind guy a basketball.

I think he's still trying to read it...

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?

A Lot.

College professor

A professor at a local community college is known for telling a dirty joke to start every class. Of course, the ladies in his classes don't appreciate it and a lot of them get together one weekend and decide to stage a walkout next time it happens. The professor catches wind of this plan.

Monday morning rolls around and the professor stands up in front of the class. He starts "Have you heard there's a shortage of whores in India?" The ladies stand up to walk out. "Hold on, girls" he says, "the boat's not leaving yet!"

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."


None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.


"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

The Jewish tie stand

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "

“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”.

Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.

A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia

Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.

Stephen Colbert Is 'Genuinely Freaked Out' By The Brexit

Stephen Colbert Is 'Genuinely Freaked Out' By The Brexit
Last night on "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert," Stephen explained that he was having trouble wrapping his head around the Brexit, joking that people across the pond must not really be all that smart — it's just the accent that has had us thinking otherwise.

June 28, 2016 at 11:34PM
via Digg

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her. The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."' The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death."

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.

Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

A man boards an airliner

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass, I want it right Now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 6, 2016

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!” was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

“Sure, what do you want?”

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."

When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Well on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs??

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses

She said "So are you"

Piano Man

A pianist responds to an ad for a Piano Player wanted at a swanky bar. The manager interviewing him asks the pianist to play something.

The pianist plays and sings, and it's beautiful. The manager is really impressed. The pianist admits that he wrote and composed it himself. The manager asks what the song is called and the pianist replies, "Fuck you and your mother, you shit eating whore".

Clearly upset by the title of the song, the manager attempts to regain his composure and asks the pianist, "um, do you know any other songs?"

The pianist starts right in on the most beautiful piece the manager had ever heard, and by the time the pianist finished, the manager had tears in his eyes.

Afraid to ask, the manager asked what that one was called. The pianist said it was one of the first songs he ever wrote, and it was called "Suck my hairy white ass, you commie fuck!"

Clearly impressed with the skill of the pianist but fearful for the effect the song titles might have on his business the manager makes a deal with the player.

"I will hire you, and pay you with $100 bar tab per night and 5% of the door, but you're not allowed to tell anyone what your songs are called."

The pianist agrees, just happy to have a gig.

So he's playing the first night, really enjoying himself, drinking for free and all of the patrons are enjoying the music as well. At some point, very drunk, the pianist needs to go relieve himself so takes a break from playing.

When he returns from the bathroom, a beautiful woman approaches him and quietly asks him, "Do you know your dick is out and everyone can see it?"

The piano player's eyes get wide, and he excitedly replies, "Know it!? I fucking wrote it!"

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one night

when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

”What happened to you?” asked Hillary.

”Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

”My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.

The driver replies, ”I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig!”

Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

My girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times and punched her in the face.

Are you made from Na, selenium and xenon?

Because you are sodium SeXe.

Edit: I have yet to zinc of another chemistry joke.

Why can't some snakes get boners?

Because they have a reptile dysfunction.

A photon walks into a hotel

The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murders on his hands, John let’s Jeff go free.

A few months later after a policy enquiry John is called into court for murder. As he walks in he sees Jeff in the witness stand and looks at the Judge.

“Fuck” he whispers to his lawyer.

“What’s wrong?” the lawyer asks

“I made that witness promise he wouldn’t tell a soul about what he saw.

“So what’s the problem?” the lawyer asks again

“The judge is a fucking ginger.”

Edward Snowden’s Strangely Free Life – As a Robot

Edward Snowden’s Strangely Free Life – As a Robot
For a man accused of espionage and effectively exiled in Russia, Edward Snowden is also, strangely, free.

June 27, 2016 at 08:23AM
via Digg

I told my friend I made $600 a month selling dog shit

He said: "That's gross!"

I said: "No, that's net."

[NSFW] My new girlfriend just introduced me to her fetish....

I didn't want to tell anyone, but I just had to get this shit off my chest.

An Englishman and a Scotsman...

An Englishman and a Scotsman are neighbours. The Scotsman has a hen which lays a beautiful egg every morning for him to eat on the porch. Every morning the Englishman watches how the Scotsman eats up his delicious-looking egg and starts getting envious. One morning, he gets lucky and the hen walks into his yard before laying the egg. The Scotsman sees him picking up the egg and says: ''What are you doing with my egg?'' The Englishman replies ''It's in my yard, so it's mine!'' The Scotsman says: ''But the hen that laid it belongs to me! Look mate, I can see we're never going to get to the end of this. How about we deal this in the traditional Scottish way?'' ''How?'', asks the Englishman. ''It's simple, really. First, I'll kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and when you can pick yourself up, you return the favour. The man who picks himself up in the least amount of time gets the egg.'' The Englishman agrees to the deal. The Scotsman gets his heaviest steel-capped boots and swings with the power of a young David Beckham and hits between the Englishman's legs. The Englishman rolls on the ground in agony for 31 minutes and 20 seconds before he finally manages to get up and says: ''Alright, now it's my turn.'' He gets his own heavy boots, and as prepares he prepares to swing, the Scotsman stops him at the last moment. ''You know what? I think I'll just have cereal for breakfast today.''

Help! I've been robbed!

They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap.

Dirty bastards

A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.

"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.

The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter"

The chief then told his people what the meteorologist said. A few weeks later the chief called to ask again, just to be sure.

"Well," said the meteorologist, "its gonna be worse than we thought this year."

Again the chief relayed this to his people and told them to put out more firewood.

Right before the winter came, the chief called the meteorologist once more to ask, "how bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "it's gonna be worse than we thought"

The chief thanked the meteorologist and asked him "how do you get such accurate information?"

"Well, we have teams of scientists that study patterns to predict what the weather will be like. But we found that the most reliable method is to just look at how much firewood the native Americans put out"

Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 6, 2016

It's been reported that Donald Trump has recently found Jesus ...

And had him deported.

You gotta love north korea...

Especially if you're one of it's citizens.

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion:

The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

Roses are red

Roses are red.

Tulips are red

My garden is on fire.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"

What's the best way to sum up the 90's?


Two guys are walking their dogs down the street...

One has a golden retriever the other a Chihuahua. As they are going along the one with the retriever sees a bar. He turns to his friend and suggests they go in for a quick drink. His friend says "That would be great but see the sign, no dogs allowed". The guy turns to him and says "Don't worry, just do what I do". So the guy puts on some sunglasses and goes into the bar with his retriever. The tender turns to him and says "Hey! No dogs allowed". The guy quickly retorts "Oh no, this is my seeing eye dog". The bartender says ok and lets him sit.

His friend thinks about it and figures, why not. He puts on some sunglasses and walks in. The tender quickly turns and yells, "Hey! No dogs allowed in the bar!"

The friend quickly replies "No, you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog!"

The bartender replies skeptically "A Chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?"


Did you know that the majority of people don't know the opposite of these words?







When the US went to the moon....

...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.

Photos of How Life Changes When Your 20-Year-Old Girlfriend Gets Cancer

Photos of How Life Changes When Your 20-Year-Old Girlfriend Gets Cancer
Recent photography grad Johnny Griffiths set out to change perceptions of the disease when he found out that Hannah, his girlfriend, had been diagnosed with stage-four Hodgkins Lymphoma.

June 27, 2016 at 01:34AM
via Digg

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

A man goes into a job interview...

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is,

"Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

If black people have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump card.

A blind man walks into a lesbian bar.

So a blind older gentleman stumbles into a all lesbian bar. They see he is older and blind so they let him stay and have a few drinks. The blind man ask's the bartender "You want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies " Well, I am a blonde, the woman on your right is a defence instructor and she is blonde, and the two woman behind you are marines and they are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?" The blind man responds "Well not if I have to explain it four times"

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!" Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

The average EU woman just got hotter

Thanks Brexit!

Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 6, 2016

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'.

So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central air conditioning unit to help control the heat. He starts installing a central sewage system.

God notices, and quickly calls Satan. He calls and says 'there's been a mistake! The engineer is supposed to be up here with us!'

Satan replies: 'you know, we're pretty happy with what the changes he had been making, I think we'll keep him'

God gets mad and says 'you send him up here this minute or else I'll sue you!'

Satan laughs and says, 'yeah, you and what lawyers?'

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.

They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"

"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

What do you give a girl who already has everything?


A man went to a meeting for premature ejaculators

but when he arrived there was no one there, he'd come too early.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday

It was mighty kind of them, but they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?

Comic Sans

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset... She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

If two lesbians are on a date, who pays?

The ex-husband

How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

None. They just move out of the house.

Switzerland's Xherdan 

Switzerland's Xherdan 
​Trailing Poland by 1 with ten minutes remaining in their Euro 2016 round of 16 match, Switzerland's Xherdan Shaqiri took advantage of a deflected ball and scored a stunner from 18 yards.

June 26, 2016 at 03:05AM
via Digg

I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables...

He said "prove it."

So I pushed him off the balcony.

An elderly couple are enjoying their 75th anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

My mailman got gender reassignment surgery.

Now he's a post man

A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital.

As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred.

However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be turned up, so it goes up to 20%.

Again, he says the pain is bearable and more or less non-existent, so it goes up to 50%.

Eventually, the pain transfer gets turned up to 100%, and the husband is coping very well, allowing his wife to have a pain free child birth. "This is so easy!" he says.

Eventually, a healthy, adorable baby is born, and they get to take it home. They drive the whole way back smiling. They pull into their driveway and go to the front door, only to find the postman, dead on the doorstep.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

Hillary laughs in his face

On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself."

Hillary laughs in his face

On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Lincoln replies "Go to the theater."

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 6, 2016

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States...

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.

So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

Did you hear about the incestuous hotdogs?

They say they're in bread.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis

Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me".

Wife: What did he say?

Bob: You're fired

For several years, a man was having an affair

with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She tearfully agreed, but asked how to let him know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. "Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.”

Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

A man is walking through the woods when he comes across a suitcase.

Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

What's the difference between a Pound and a Dollar?

A dollar

A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Ling overheard, and chimed in, saying that their father would disown him if he changed his name.

One day, Ving decided he had had enough. He went to town hall, with me in tow. His sister caught wind and decided to come along to talk him out of it.

So we got the name change document, and Ving filled it out and almost turned it in, when he suddenly got choked up and realized that he couldn't go through with the name change. He told the receptionist that he wanted to cancel, and she told him that he could cancel the name change, but he'd need to pay a one-time fee of $20. Ving didn't have any money on him, but his sister did. She was about to hand him $20 when suddenly, a short, elderly Chinese man in an American flag T-shirt, ray-bans and cargo shorts entered the building. Ving stared at him in awe.

"D..Dad?" he stammered, tearfully.

With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.

I'll never forget what his father said that day:

"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
Hold on the that fee, Ling"

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

  • 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

Scotland Seeks Independence Again After U.K. 'Brexit' Vote

Scotland Seeks Independence Again After U.K. 'Brexit' Vote
First Minister and Scottish National Party (SNP) leader Nicola Sturgeon said officials would plan for a "highly likely" vote on separation from the rest of the U.K. Scots voted by 62 percent to 38 percent to remain in the EU.

June 24, 2016 at 06:30PM
via Digg

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But, I can stop whenever I want.

Where do german parents send their ADD kids?

Concentration Camps

What happens when a British guy makes a promise?

He Brexit

Why do Asian women have small tits?

Because only A's are acceptable.

Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 6, 2016

My favorite rapper is 50 cent

Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

if jesus died for our sin...

Who died for our cos and tan?

Europe be like...

eu: uk bro?

uk: it's not eu, it's me.

Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

With the UK leaving the EU, the union has some free space.

Exactly 1GB

An old woman wants to commit suicide... shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

Britain says...

See eu later

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

Working at the aluminum can recycling center is the saddest job I've had.

It's just soda pressing.

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

Girl: "My first time having sex was a lot like the 100 metre dash..."

Boy: "What, over in ten seconds?"

Girl: "No, eight black men and a gun."

Chaos Breaks Out As Speaker Paul Ryan Attempts To Reconvene The House During Democrats' Sit-In

Chaos Breaks Out As Speaker Paul Ryan Attempts To Reconvene The House During Democrats' Sit-In
Late Wednesday, House Speaker Paul Ryan attempted to reconvene the House of Representatives, where Democrats are staging a sit-in protest to force a vote on gun control legislation. It did not go well.

June 23, 2016 at 08:27PM
via Digg

For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.

Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,

It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter greets him. "Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell." "How do I know which one to pick?" the politician replies. "We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide." The politician agrees and is sent to the heavenly realm first.

The experience is okay. He mostly sits around on the clouds singing and playing the harp, and exchanging some pleasant conversation with the angels. He goes back to Peter the next day, and is sent to hell this time.

The elevator arrives at the bottom, and the doors open. He is in a beautiful garden, it's sunny, and there is a nearby golf course. A bar in the pristine looking garden keeps the drinks flowing: beer, cocktails, wine, whiskey, whatever the heart could imagine. There is also a buffet. All his friends and family that have passed away are there, and they greet him cheerfully. Even Satan is there, and he ends up being a really nice and cool guy who assists the politician in whatever he can. After chatting with them for awhile, the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen comes to him, and they end up having the best sex he has ever experienced.

At the end of the day, the politician goes back to St. Peter. "I hope you enjoyed the tryouts sir. What do you choose, heaven or hell?" The politician replies "well Peter to be honest heaven is great and all, but I really enjoyed hell a lot more. I'd like to go there."

His wish is granted. When the elevator doors open in hell, he is greeted by horror. The whole place is dark and gloomy, his friends are screaming as they are burning in pits of fire, and demons walk around beating with pitch forks those who try to escape the flames.

The politician walks up to Satan and demands an explanation. "Yesterday it was so nice! A garden, golf, beautiful women, free food and drinks. Yet today you are torturing my friends. What the heck man?" The devil (no longer friendly and cool as he was the day before) smiles slyly. "Sorry for the mixup. But you are a politician, so surely you understand: yesterday we were campaigning, but today you voted."

Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 6, 2016

So a limbo champion walks into a bar

and loses his title

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter...

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

[NSFW] Monkey who does great sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board - "Monkey who does great sex". She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual. The Manual said "Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down without wearing anything. Leave the rest to the monkey. Repeat all steps for repeat performance". Accordingly, the woman gave the monkey a bath, bathed herself and slept on the bed naked. Monkey did nothing. Disappointed, she again gave him a bath, had bath and lied down naked on the bed. Again, the monkey did nothing. She referred the Manual to check for forward path. It said : In case of no activity, call the shop owner for support. She called the owner & he arrived in 10 minutes. He asked the woman to lie down. He then looked at the monkey and shouted... "This is the last time I'm teaching you..!"

Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is!

There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken...

...It's motherfucking good.

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome

The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

How do you spell candy with two letters?

C and Y

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the white house, and the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes 24 minutes. Trump goes next and posts a time of 14 minutes 24 seconds. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can in an effort to beat Trumps time. She finally crosses the finish line in just under 10 minutes. "Aha, that must be some kind of record!" she exclaims.

"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera

I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!

Why did the gamer cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out

I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

Aubrey Plaza Is Freaking Weird

Aubrey Plaza Is Freaking Weird
​Aubrey Plaza went on "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert" last night. She did a bit as a kimono-wearing cat-lover named Jill Peaches, but also was just quirky as heck IRL.

June 23, 2016 at 04:29AM
via Digg

Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool

Wooden tit?

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

I accidentally called out my mums name during sex

and my sister hasn't talked to me since.

It all.

The title says it all.

Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 6, 2016

Are you a real pilot?

An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flightjacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "are you a real pilot"?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello and he’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.

I recently opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night. The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: " SUPPLIES ".

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I said, "That's the last thing I need."

Why did the console gamer cross the road

To render the other side

A white guy, black guy, and Mexican

A white man, black man, and a Mexican are stranded on an island. A Tribe finds them and the chief of the tribe says "alright, if you want to survive, go into the jungle and grab 10 fruit on one kind each." So the men go into the jungle and bring back fruit. The Mexican comes back and has 10 apples. The chief then told him "alright, if you want to live, shove these up your ass and don't show any emotion, if you show emotion I'll kill you" the Mexican gets to the 2nd apple and cries in pain, so the tribe kills him. The white man brought back blackberries, and he did the same. When he got to the 9th black berry he saw the black man coming back with watermelons, but he didn't react, and shoves them all up his ass. The chief exclaimed "NO ONE HAS EVER PASSED, can you tell me, how did you pass?" Then the white man says "well, you see, I'm subscribed to /r/jokes, and I see this joke EVERY FUCKING DAY"

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

A man and his son are sitting, naked, on a couch...

... and the little boy asks, "Dad why are our penises different?"

The father replies, "Firstly, son, you don't have an erection."

God offers the ten commandments

God went to the Arabs and said: "I have Commandments that'll make your lives better."

The Arabs asked: "What are they, can you give us an example?"

God said: "Thou shall not kill."

The Arab were shocked and refused Gods offering

So he went to the Mexicans and said: "I have commandments that'll make your lives better."

When asked for an example God said: "Thou shall not steal."

The Mexicans were insulted and refused.

Lastly, God went to the Jews: "I have Co..."

Before he could finish the Jews blasted out: "HOW MUCH DO THEY COST??"

God replied: "Nothing, they're free."

The Jews answered: "Good, we shall take ten!"

Two business men are at a bar

The first one asks the second one: "If you found out the world was going to end in one hour's time, what would you do?"

The second one replies "I'd fuck anything that moves. What about you?"

After a brief pause for thought, the first businessmen replies "I'd stay very, very still."

How Is Donald Trump Going to Quit?

How Is Donald Trump Going to Quit?
When his numbers start dropping, as they inevitably will and already have, Donald Trump is going to save face the best way he knows how: Quitting before it’s too late.

June 22, 2016 at 12:30AM
via Digg

How does a racist joke start?

With a small loan of a million dollars

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Mary blushed a little bit. "Well, yes, I have. I once reached into a boys pants and touched his penis with the tip of my finger. But that was all."

"Very well Mary. Dip your finger into this holy water and then you may enter Heaven."

St Peter then approaches the next girl in line.

"Anne Beth, have you ever touched a penis?"

"Yes, I once reached in a boys pants and grabbed his penis."

"Very well," said St Peter "Dip your hand in holy water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

At this point in time there is a commotion in the back of the line, as one of the girls is pushing her way up the line.

"Katherine Anne, you need to wait till it's your turn." St Peter strictly informed the girl.

"No, I'm not staying in the back of the line. There's no way I'm rinsing my mouth out with that holy water if Karen has to wash her ass out with it first!"

Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 6, 2016

forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other...

They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.

How do you titallate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tits a lot.

Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911

"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.


"Ok, now what?"

I had a blind date last night

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.

She was gorgeous!

I couldn't get over how attractive she was!!

Just as I was about to speak to her, her phone rang!!!

She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?" !!!

I shot a Black Man the other day

I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

How do you disappoint a redditor?


"You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!"

A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.

What do you call a Swedish spy film?

The Bjorn Identity.

A man meets his new neighbor for the first time as his neighbor arrives home from work.

He says to the man "Hi, I'm Todd, your next door neighbor, nice to meet you. I just have one question for you, when is your birthday?" The neighbor asks "Why would you want to know that?" Todd replies "I want to buy you a pair of blinds for your window, because in the last week I've seen you having sex with your wife every night!". The neighbor says "Well that's awfully nice of you, when's your birthday?" Todd says "Why would you want to know that for?" The neighbor says " Because for your birthday I'm going to buy you some binoculars, that way you can see who's wife it really is, because I'm not married..."

So I was having sex with this girl..

When suddenly she asks me: "Doesn't it bother you that I'm 13??"

So I replied: "Not really, I've never been superstitious"

My wife is so sweet

Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melts.

He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc..

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space?

Because nobody liked it on earth.

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

A girl climbed a tree at the back of the church

A girl climed a tree behind the church to pick fruits. While picking her fruits high above the tree a priest happens to walk by and sees the girl up above him and realized that the girl was not wearing any underwear. . He calls the girl down and tells her that it's dangerous to climb tress and gives her $20 to buy a pair of underwear to cover herself up. The girl went home and informed her mother how she got the $20. The next day, the mother went to the back of the church without an underwear and climbed the tree and waited for the priest to show up. The priest walks by and sees the mother in all her glory ... calls her down, and tells her that it's dangerous to climb trees and gives her $3. The mother then asked the priest why is only getting $3? The priest replied that's for you to by a disposable razor ...

Go easy my first post.

Envisioning the Hack That Could Take Down New York City

Envisioning the Hack That Could Take Down New York City
A scenario that could happen based on what already has.

June 20, 2016 at 10:33PM
via Digg

Little Johnny.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

A Jewish man was talking to a Hindu man

Jew: Yeah, so in my religion we only believe in one God.

Hindu: No way!

Jew: Yahweh

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole.

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 6, 2016

Did you hear about the guy who invented knock-knock jokes?

He won the nobel prize

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Woah, someone finally wrote a book about clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

What did one orphan say to the other?

"Robin, get in the Batmobile."

A girl walks into a supermarket

A girl walks into a supermarket. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.

The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."

She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"

He says, "Because you're ugly."

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

What spice do you find in hell?



How do you get fifty old women to say f**k?

Shout "Bingo!"

An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go”

An Open Letter to the Female Hat-Wearing Dog From “Go Dog, Go”
"If you’re seeking approval because you’re itching to be in a relationship right now, know that there are other fish in the sea and, more importantly, bazillions of other dogs in this book."

June 20, 2016 at 04:11AM
via Digg

My Dad Is A Magician

He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the joke becomes apparent!

(Credit to the first dad who said this)

What do gay horses eat?

Horse dick

What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

How does Kylo Ren celebrate Father's Day?


A dad walks in on his daughter having sex..

With her boyfriend. They stop immediately and

the daughter says

I'm Sorry dad!

The dad says "okay Sorry "

Turns to the boyfriend and says:

Well are you fucking sorry?


Happy Father's Day.

Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd

I just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon....

I want to see which one comes first.

Is it okay to marry your second cousin? [xpost from /r/dadjokes]

Sure, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one.

I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers.

Happy Father's day

There was a prison break

and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 6, 2016

A kindergarten teacher asked her students to talk about what they did during the recent school holidays.

She asked them to use "grown-up words" as opposed to baby language.

The first little one said he went to see his "nana." The teacher said, "No! You went to see your 'grandmother.' Use grown-up words."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a "choo choo." The teacher said again, "No! You went on a 'train.' That's the grown-up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he had done during the recent school holidays. He proudly stated that he head read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed up his chest and in a very adult way replied, "WINNIE THE SHIT!"

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

In America, an intelligent person is treated like a god

Everyone ignores him till something he says or does something they don't like, or they want something from him

Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night.

Going for a crap could spell trouble.

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't last long if you're fat.

Badge of Dishonor: Top Oakland Police Department Officials Looked Away as East Bay Cops Sexually Exploited and Trafficked a Teenager

Badge of Dishonor: Top Oakland Police Department Officials Looked Away as East Bay Cops Sexually Exploited and Trafficked a Teenager
According to a stunning set of allegations, a teenage human trafficking victim in the Bay Area was coerced into sex by at least 22 officers over a six month period.

June 18, 2016 at 10:37PM
via Digg

Unshakable Fact # 5

Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

Tried changing my password to "14days"

but it was two week

A little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate

A little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...

A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 105 years" The man asked , "Was it because of eating chocolate?"

The boy replied, No, he was always minding his own business

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 6, 2016

Mike and Muhammad

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed.

As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead.

They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told the other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment!!!!

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

I have two requirements in my will....

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World 2) I do not want to be cremated.

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?" The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"

..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

A zoophile, a necrophile, a sadist, a masochist, and a pyromaniac....

are all waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take them to the mental institution.

The zoophile says: "I'm bored. Let's fuck a cat!"

The sadist says: "Let's fuck a cat, then kill it!"

The necrophile says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, and then fuck it again!"

The pyromaniac says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire!"

The masochist says: "Meow!"

10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar...

10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

This guy just threw milk on me!

How dairy....

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat and humidity even more, but the man just took off his coat, smiled again, and said, "Well, this is just like Chicago in the summer."

Getting angry now, the Devil put the heat and humidity to the highest possible setting; however, yet again, the man just smiled, took off his shirt and tie, and said, “Ahhhh! Good old August Chicago heat!”

Enraged, the Devil was about to seek an even hotter inferno but then got an idea…

He shut off the heat to the man’s room and instead turned on the air conditioner. Within seconds, the room was frozen solid, colder than anything the man had ever experienced during his time on Earth.

Confident he had finally gotten the best of the man, the devil walked away to take care of other matters. He returned several hours later only to find the man cheering wildly and dancing around.

“What the HELL are you DOING?!?!” The Devil roared. "Celebrating!” The man shouted back. “The Cubs won the World Series! The Cubs won the World Series!"

I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

48 people were shot during yesterday’s 15-hour filibuster on gun control

48 people were shot during yesterday’s 15-hour filibuster on gun control
As politicians recounted stories of gun violence before the Senate, there were 38 shootings that killed 12 people and injured 36 more across America.

June 17, 2016 at 07:30PM
via Digg

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Mufti was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God! Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Mufti said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!"" And then what?" asked someone, "Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine".

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 6, 2016

How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?

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What do you call an Italian with two broken hands?


You should never have sex with anyone in your family...

Even if they inceest.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.

"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.

The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."

Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."

With that the boy breaks down and sobs.

He starts going on and on about his troubles.

His mother is dying of cancer and can't work.

They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms.

They haven't eaten in days.

Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner.

He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news.

Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it.

"So I came here and just cried," he finished.

Mr. Smith was shocked.

Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy.

He could solve this boy's problems with a single check.

But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was.

As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...

"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"

"My name is Johnny." The boy said.

"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."

Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"

"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.

Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman.

Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back.

When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.

"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."

The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back.

Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't.

With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.

The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.

"Yes, Sir" said Johnny.

And Johnny dove into the water.

This time he was swimming a bit slower.

He seemed to be pacing himself. Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew.

What a perfect end to a perfect trip.

He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.

Johnny made it to the ship.

Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast.

Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip!

Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...

But Johnny was ok, know why?






He was used to hardships...

On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....

How shitty of a parent are you?

There is a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms. When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex. He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job. She reply "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's face as he says, "Oh shit I just ran over a nun."

Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Me: "Siri, why am I single?"

Siri: opens front face camera

Did Jesus Have a Wife?

Did Jesus Have a Wife?
A hotly contested, supposedly ancient manuscript suggests Christ was married. But believing its origin story requires a big leap of faith.

June 16, 2016 at 08:38PM
via Digg

What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?


I'll see myself out

Why was Oedipus against profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

3.14% of sailors are...


i wonder if...

a receptionist at a sperm bank ever says "thanks for coming"

I can see 4 years into the future!

You can say I have 2020 vision

Whats the difference between racism and Asians ?

Racism has many faces.

Man's best friend...

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep.

Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual.

Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.

So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate.

As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: "Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 6, 2016

My girlfriend asked me how do i see lesbian relationships

Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the right answer.

What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team?

The High Five

I don't trust umbrellas.

They're shady.

Procrastination is like masturbation

It's fun at the time, but in the end you're just fucking yourself.

What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?

Gluten tag

A One Liner

Tried to catch some fog yesterday.....but I mist.