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Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 1, 2017

I asked my friend in North Korea how life was

He said he can't complain

A wife is like a hand grenade...

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood.

With a cackle, he points down the road.

"You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead in the blink of an eye!"

The second, older than the first, but younger than the last, scoffs. "Child's play. Watch this." And disappears with the wind. Even with his heightened senses, the younger could not follow his movements.

The second vampire reappeared as suddenly as he had vanished, and the gust of his speed knocked the youngest to the ground. His hands, mouth, and collar were caked with gore. He gestures towards a town in the distance. As the vampires watched, a building lit on fire, and fell onto another one. Soon, the entire town was alight, but no movement could be seen from the townsfolk at all.

"A hundred people in that town! All dead! Torn to shreds!"

The youngest was in awe, but the eldest of the three only sighed bemusedly.

"How cute." He says.

The second looks almost indignant. "I'd like to see you do better."

The third lets out a malevolent chuckle.

"Very well."

He gets up, dusts off his cloak, and puts his spectacles down on a rock.

He disappears with a CRACK. The other two vampires' jaws dropped at the impossible speed that the eldest flew at.

Another resounding CRACK filled the air as the eldest vampire returned to the cave. His cloak was in tatters. His clothes were disheveled. But most prominent was the blood. His entire body was covered in blood. Never would the other vampires imagine that so much blood could cling to one person.

The eldest lets out a sigh, and plops to the ground. He reaches for his glasses, and cleans them with what remains of his cloak.

The younger vampires look at each other, not sure whether to break the silence.

Finally, the youngest asks, "So...?"

The elder vampire looks up slowly. He murmurs,

"You see that massive tree over there? The one with the widest trunk, as thick as a man is tall?"

Baffled, the youngest replied, "...Yes?"

The eldest, sheepishly, continued.

"Well, I didn't."

I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall...

He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."

Is it because I'm blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!"

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Here's to virgins

Thanks for fucking nothing.

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

My wife called me at work today.

"Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?"

"Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche."

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo

Being the only gorilla in the zoo, the zoo officials couldn't afford to lose the only attraction keeping their failing zoo business afloat.

So they immediately decided to hire one of the zookeepers for an extra $100/day to wear the gorilla costume they have in storage and pretend to be the gorilla until they can afford a new one.

For weeks, the zookeeper did lots of tricks in his gorilla suit to the astonishment of thousands of spectators watching the "human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the popularity started to wane. So to get the attention of the crowd once again, he climbed over his enclosure and swung himself from the net ceiling over the lions den beside his enclosure. A large crowd gathered as they watched in terror and suspense. Suddenly, the zookeeper lost his grip and fell straight down on the floor of the lions den. He started crying for help when suddenly a lion pounced him from behind and whispered in his ear, "Shut the fuck up! You're gonna get us both fired."

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus.

Because mine is full of pricks.

Six reportedly killed in attack on Québec mosque

Six reportedly killed in attack on Québec mosque
The mosque’s president, Mohamed Yangui, said five people were killed. About 40 people were thought to be in the building — the Québec City Islamic cultural center on Sainte-Foy Street — at the time. Canadian PM Justin Trudeau has condemned the shooting as a "terrorist attack."

January 30, 2017 at 07:31PM
via Digg

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now it's a Ford Focus

I think my wife has a blind fetish...

Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and.....

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes. He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

"Hand me downs"

Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 1, 2017

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

What is Forrest Gump's password?


A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are


Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian.

That's what most Christians do anyways.

I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

Reddit is really a green community,

considering all the recycled content on here.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

having sex for pleasure

Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin.

I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.

Thousands of people are protesting Trump’s immigration order at airports across America

Thousands of people are protesting Trump’s immigration order at airports across America
In the chaos that has followed President Trump's executive order banning people from seven Muslim-majority countries — including green card holders — protests have broken out at airports across the country where foreigners have been detained.

January 29, 2017 at 10:55AM
via Digg

Muslims in the U.S.A


Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Little Johnny is always being teased by.....

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall?

Who cares, they'll get over it..

My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.

So I just packed my bags and right.

A Muslim walks into the U.S

Just kidding

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 1, 2017

So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means.

It's not like it's the end of the world

A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella

That's a nice ham you have there

It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...

2 Christians are lost in the Arabian desert

The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse.

On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one decides to tell them he's Muslim.

They arrive and the first man says he's Christian and asks for help. The Muslims are very friendly and tell him they have plenty of food and water for him. The second one tells them he's Muslim. The reply: "Salaam, brother! Happy Ramadan!"

The Unemployed Engineer

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

If Jesus came back today...

He wouldn't be allowed in the country.

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

3 women are talking about their sex lives. One is married with kids, one is engaged and one has a friend with benefits.

The 3 women decide together to give a suprise to their partners and say they will wear the same outfit: black leather lingerie, black eye mask and high heels. After a few days they meet again and discuss to compare the results.

The engaged girl says "well, when he got home and saw me with a black leather body, black eye mask and black high heels, he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you' and we made love all night".

The girl with a FWB says "well, the other day I went to his office, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and a raincoat. When he opened the door and saw me, he didn't say a thing but we had the best sex of our lives.

Then the married woman says "well the other night, I sent the kids to my mom's house. When he got home, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and perfume. After getting in he saw me and asked:

"So, what's for dinner, Batman?"

Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

Immigrants, Green Card Holders Detained As Airports After Trump Refugee Order

Immigrants, Green Card Holders Detained As Airports After Trump Refugee Order
In addition to immigrants from the banned countries, human rights groups reported that legal permanent residents of the United States who hold green cards were being stopped in foreign airports as they sought to return from funerals, vacations or study abroad — a clear indication that Mr. Trump’s directive is being applied broadly.

January 29, 2017 at 03:23AM
via Digg

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.

"Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks.

A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."

Trying to think of a new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

Some mornings I wake up bitchy...

Other mornings I let her sleep.

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement...

She couldn't take it any longer

I was so embarrassed when I got an erection during a prostate exam.

Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor.

Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 1, 2017

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches

Sumo wrestlers have to make sure their legs are always shaven

So people don't confuse them with feminists

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland

he patriotically said .."Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants". while standing beside a Slovenian wife

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

  • What the hell did she mean?

A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plans. As soon as he hangs up he thinks, "shit, what am I gonna do, I'll get a boner as soon as I see her and she'll never talk to me again." So like a man, he finds the perfect solution to him problem. He duct tapes and ties his dick to his leg. On date night, he goes to her door, double checks his work with a patt on his leg, check. He rings her doorbell, she opens the door, and he kicks her in the face.

[long] a female class teacher was having problems with a kid in her class

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4. I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

Principal: 5x9.

Boy: 45.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: O MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: damnit!!.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!!.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher ,

"Send this BLOODY kid to the university... Even I myself got all the answers wrong!"

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Not Horny.....

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

“You took so much time to joke me”-two hours trolling a Windows support scammer

“You took so much time to joke me”-two hours trolling a Windows support scammer
Tech support scammers in India got trapped on the phone with me for nearly two hours, and all they got was a revocation of their remote access software ID.

January 27, 2017 at 11:19PM
via Digg

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration.

"Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner.

"That's the one!" says the man

Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much

We may as well call him the "Not Si" President

The best thing about having a penis...

is sharing it with people who don't.

A teacher is working on word problems with her students

A teacher is working on word problems with her students and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy replies, "no, it's the one wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you think."

What do an uncircumcised penis and the kkk have in common?

They're both pricks in oversized hoods.

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'

He said, 'Just a minute.'

And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'

So I took this babe back to my place. . .

. . . for a solid three and a half minutes of shagging. We're lying there afterwards and she asks, "Why don't you have a clock in your bedroom?"

"I do have a clock - a wall clock."

"What's a wall clock?"

So I bang on the wall. From next door a voice, "Hey asshole! Don't you know it's 3 in the morning?!"

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife.

He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: slaps his face

"The men I please are none of your darn business!" 😠

Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 1, 2017

Donald Trump is not a rapist.

He's an "alternative romantic."

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."

The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'

Now what the fuck would you say?"

I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cause Jill's a goddam tranny!

Where do dads keep their jokes?

In their dadabase.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

My friend just found out that he is both gay and dyslexic.

He is still in Daniel.

Dad Joke

Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance

Son: You are........ an ambulance

Dad: Proud of you son.

Watch ABC's Full-Length Donald Trump Interview

Watch ABC's Full-Length Donald Trump Interview
In President Donald Trump's first feature-length TV interview since his inauguration, he talks to ABC's David Muir about voter fraud, the border wall, and his views on torture.

January 26, 2017 at 08:13PM
via Digg

I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years.

A man has been shot with a starting pistol...

The police are pretty sure it's race related.

A cowboy from Texas

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...

Baa dum tssssss

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 1, 2017

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity.

You know who you are.

A housewife takes a lover during.....

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

News Anchor: "A house was found with 12,000 naked pictures of children. Our reporter Jeff has more."

Jeff, you filthy bastard.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate...!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye."

Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.

He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will get this.

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

Mossberg: What’s up with Firefox, the browser that time forgot?

Mossberg: What’s up with Firefox, the browser that time forgot?
After years of neglecting Firefox, misreading mobile users and putting most of its chips on a failed phone project, Mozilla says it is working hard to get Firefox off the mat.

January 25, 2017 at 09:29PM
via Digg

A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar

Guy: You're the most average girl out here.

Girl: Hey, you're mean!

Guy: No, you are.

A young man goes into a drug store to.....

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...

You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:

"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 1, 2017

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.

"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"

"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"

"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"

"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.

"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".

The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.

"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"

"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away.

So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"

"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"

So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.

"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"

"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up"

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"

TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit.

I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand?

A microwave.

Working in porn for the free sex is like working at Chipotle for the free burritos

Yeah, you're getting paid, but it destroys your asshole

My dad got fired for having sex with one of his patients the other day.

Which is a shame because he was a really good vet.

Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?

She was a lesbian.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and.....

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."

I heard Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!” was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

“Sure, what do you want?”

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale", The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

An Illustrated Guide to Trump's Plan for the Environment

An Illustrated Guide to Trump's Plan for the Environment
Our 45th president's contempt for environmental protections is well documented. So what will his first 100 days look like? Here's our educated guess on what could happen, based on what he's already said and done.

January 24, 2017 at 09:46PM
via Digg

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:

"Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

About one U.S Leader.

I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean

A dell must be rolling in the deep

An old man has been waiting in line to get into heaven for so long, that when the time came for his name to be looked up in the big book, he couldn't remember it

St. Peter was a bit frazzled and could not figure out what to do. So he calls Jesus over to help him out. Jesus begins to ask the man some questions in order to jog his memory in hopes to find his name.

Jesus: "did you have any children?"

Man: "just one...a wonderful boy."

Jesus: "hmm, alright let's press on. What was your occupation, if any?"

Man: "well, I was some sort of carpenter or woodworker of sorts."

Jesus: "oh that's odd." (Jesus begins to ponder the information hopefully before proceeding)

Jesus: "anything else we should know about you?"

Man: "well you may not believe this but, my son was actually born through a miracle."

Jesus's eyes begin to fill up with tears

Jesus: "father?!"

Man: "Pinocchio?!"

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar

I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character

And not the President of the United States.

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks what is the occasion.

The man replies 'his first blowjob'

The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot

The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn't get the taste out of his mouth, one more won't make a difference.

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

Robber: **points gun at victim** "Give me all your money. Otherwise you're chemistry."

Victim: "Don't you mean history?" Robber: "DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"

Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 1, 2017

So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar...

and was immediately disqualified.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children".

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."

And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, "All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!"

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law.

After 8 years, here are the promises Obama kept — and the ones he didn’t

After 8 years, here are the promises Obama kept — and the ones he didn’t
See how Obama performed on 40 of the promises he made during his two presidential campaigns.

January 24, 2017 at 06:19AM
via Digg

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?”

The Englishman replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.

"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

Little April is Sleeping in Class

Little April is sleeping in class. The teacher calls on her and asks "Who created the universe?"

Little Jonny, who has a small pin, wakes her up by poking her in the arm

She wakes up and yells "God Almighty!" and the teacher agrees. April goes back to sleep

A little while later the teacher calls on her again

"Who is our lord and savior?" Again Jonny wakes her up

"Jesus Christ!" The teacher nods and April goes back to sleep

Later still, the teacher calls on her again

"April, what did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"

Jonny comes to her rescue, once again

April wakes up and says "If you stick that fucking thing in me one more time, I'm gonna snap it in half and shove it up your ass!"

I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him."

Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.

Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

What is going to replace ObamaCare?


How the town of Whitefish defeated its neo-Nazi trolls — and became a national model of resistance

How the town of Whitefish defeated its neo-Nazi trolls — and became a national model of resistance
"I find myself and my town under siege by hateful, cruel people, and while I'm trying to stay rooted in my values of kindness and fairness, it is getting harder."

January 23, 2017 at 07:31PM
via Digg

It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.

To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride." "No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride." The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride." "No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride." The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher. "Winnie-the-Shit!"

Four Surgeons ( a joke from the 40s)

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers". The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl." "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?" "Oh I can't say." "Was it Mary Jane?" "No Father." "Adalina Mozarelli?" "My lips are sealed." "How about Cindy King" "I can never say." "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?" "No." "It has to be Tracy Cummings though!" "Father I will never tell you." "Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months." "Ok, Father" The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?" The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi?

Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Apparently, people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

...But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...

It reads:




He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which says:




Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying:




His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:


He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:




Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 1, 2017

An Irish guy, a Mexican guy, and a blond guy

An Irish guy, a Mexican guy, and a blond guy are building a skyscraper. The lunch whistle blows and they all open up their lunchboxes and look at the contents in dismay.

The Irish guy says, "Potatoes again? If I have potatoes one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"

The Mexican guy says, "Tacos again? If I have tacos one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"

The blond guy says, "Peanut butter and jelly again? If I have PBJ one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"

The next day, the Irish guy has potatoes, the Mexican guy has tacos, and the blond guy has PBJ, and they all jump to their deaths.

At the company memorial service, the Irish guy's widow wails, "If only he told me he was tired of potatoes I'd have made him something else!"

The Mexican guy's widow cries, ""If only he told me he was tired of tacos I'd have made him something else!"

The blond guy's widow says, "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."

How to fall down stairs

  • Step 1
  • Step 2
  • Step 4
  • Step 15

My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

Why do black people always have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one that had a dream.

It turns out vaccines cause cancer.

You'll actually live long enough to get it.

Son: "I got expelled"

Dad: "How?"

Son: "I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard."

Dad: "That's pretty dumb but-"

Son: "Then my teacher told me to go up to the board..."

Dad: "Ok?"

Son: "And rub 1 out."

I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator

I wonder how many people are in that field

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: slaps his face

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

A blonde walks into a bank in search of a $5000 loan

A blonde walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5000 loan.

The banker asks "Okay miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman replies "Yes, of course. I would like to use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.

They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out so they park the car in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in NYC can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41 and expect it to be there when I get back?"

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...


I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment

I did it once and killed a cyclist.

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battle.

With False Claims, Trump Attacks Media on Turnout and Intelligence Rift

With False Claims, Trump Attacks Media on Turnout and Intelligence Rift
The president falsely accused journalists of inventing a rift between him and spy agencies and of deliberately understating the size of his inauguration crowd.

January 22, 2017 at 09:00PM
via Digg

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.

A man has been admitted to hospital after pushing 6 plastic horses up his anus.

Doctors declared his condition as "stable".

Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 1, 2017

Four Men Went Golfing...

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

which organ of the human body expands to 10 times

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

Did you know Donald Trump only had two moods?

Pissed off and pissed on.

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

I don't understand why women want to be equal...

when they could be better.

That shows lack of ambition.

Which is why men are better.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

The burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned the flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus"

My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday.

So I bought myself a 12 pack.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

  1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

My math teacher called me average.

How mean!

A Texan, A Russian and a New Yorker.

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London. The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

Live-updating images from the historic Women's March on Washington, and what comes after statistics.

Live-updating images from the historic Women's March on Washington, and what comes after statistics.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

January 21, 2017 at 09:44PM
via Digg

I ran into the back of a dwarf's car. He said he wasn't happy.

I said "Well which one are you?"

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me 2 shots..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot."

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

*strips naked*

"Magic mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

Cops: "He knows we can see him from this side, right?"

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

Who would survive if Trump and Clinton both were stranded on a island?


What rock group has 4 dudes that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

I know that we don't all agree on our new president

But at least the first lady is someone we can all get behind.

Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 1, 2017

Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse!

Optimist: Yes, it can!

Why are white people the scariest in prison?

Because you know they're guilty.

What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

What do you call a guy who does not fart in public?

A private tutor.

George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.

God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?”

Bush replies: “I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on ...”

God is impressed by Bush and tells him: “Great, come sit on the chair on my right.”

God goes to Obama and asks: “What do you believe in?”

Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. ...”

God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: “Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.”

Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in”?

Trump replies: “I believe you're sitting on my chair.”

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"

The man replies "about $.50".

If someone tries to shoot the President...

The Secret Service will have to yell "Donald duck!"

Genie: What is your first wish?

joe: i want to be rich.

genie: granted. what is your second wish?

rich: i want lots of money.

Rogue Scientists Race to Save Climate Data from Trump

Rogue Scientists Race to Save Climate Data from Trump
As Trump threatens to defund and dismantle parts of the EPA and NOAA to hide the impact of climate change, a group of researchers are making an effort to save the data.

January 20, 2017 at 08:52PM
via Digg

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore...'ll just get called a racist for supporting him.

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

Why do white people own so many pets?

Because we’re not allowed to own people anymore.

I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 1, 2017

A guy in a plane stood up & shouted “HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared . . . Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, . . . “Hi JOHN”

My girlfriend came out of the shower

and said "I shave my pussy, you know what that means?"

I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!".

Trump haters should watch the Inauguration on CNN

This way it will be fake.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says

“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

The Sun doesn't need to go to college

Because it already has 28 million degrees.

Spent over an Hour at the wife's grave this Morning

Bless her, She thinks I'm Digging a Pond.

father and his 6-year-old son

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not being doing it.

Joe wanted a Harley...

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. 

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he  hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.  Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to  tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table  and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose  right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!

Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste

A husband bought his wife a new sex toy for her birthday...

and it was voice operated. It was newest model of Vibro-dick: self-propelled and voice activated.

He brought it home to his from the sex shop in a gift wrapped box with a bow. She unwrapped the box and was surprised.

"Honey, I've never used a sex toy. I don't know if I'll like."

The husband said, "Watch this. It does all the work for you."

The husband picked up the Vibro-dick and said, "Virbo-dick, the couch."

The purple dildo floated out of the box and began pounding the couch for all it was worth. The wife watched in awe. The husband walked over, grabbed it, and placed it back in the box.

"Well," the wife said, "that is impressive."

"Only the best for you, honey. All you have to do is say, 'Vibro-dick' followed by where you want it to go."

The next morning after the husband went to work, the wife decided to test her new toy. She sat the box on the floor, opened the lid, and said, "Virbo-dick, my pussy."

The Virbo-dick floated out of the box and began to fuck the ever-lovin' shit out of her. She climaxed, once, twice, three times, and it began to become painful. She grasped at it, trying to turn it off, but she couldn't turn it off.

"Vibro-dick stop! Vibro-dick turn off! Vibro dick box!"

It wouldn't stop. She came again. She called her husband, and her didn't answer. She realized that her only hope was to drive to a sex shop or somewhere and figure out how to turn it off.

She ran to her car and began driving as fast as she could. As she reached 120 mph, a cop pulled her over.

"Thank God, there's help!"

The cop got out and walked up to her window. She was scream in pain and orgasmic please.

"What the hell are you doin', lady?"

"It's! The! Vi! Bro! Dick!"

"You were going 120 mph. You could've killed somebody!"

"It's! Not! My! Fault! It's! The! Virbo! Dick!"

"Vibro-dick? Vibro-dick, my ass"

And the Vibro-dick stopped fucking her and floated out of the car...

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.

I'll show myself out.

I tried to post a joke about foreskin earlier...

but it got removed

Life is like a hardcore drug.

I've taken several.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

How does a nice guy change a light bulb?

He doesn't. He just compliments it and then gets pissed when it won't screw.

Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."

Dad called me a cunt

I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

This is how American health care kills people

This is how American health care kills people
Matthew Stewart thought he had good insurance. Then he started vomiting blood.

January 20, 2017 at 01:44AM
via Digg

Slept like a baby last night

Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar

The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."

He leaves without resistance.

Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him.

So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?"

To this the boy said, "I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!"

The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Brazil!!".

To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 1, 2017

I watched a documentary on marijuana

It was very enjoyable. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

A woman asks her husband

A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

What would happen if Donald Trump was about to be assassinated?

Secret Service would shout "Donald, Duck!"

So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.

America elected Donald Trump

And we're going toupée for it

What do you call a Communist Sniper?

A Marxman.

What kind of fish is made of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.

If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.

No Hoax: 2016 Was the Hottest Year on Record

No Hoax: 2016 Was the Hottest Year on Record
This is the third consecutive year to set a new record. The streak is the steepest and most sustained surge in planetary temperatures in the modern age.

January 19, 2017 at 12:23AM
via Digg

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's plate there are two hamburgers, and on the plate in front of the snake are 23 beef patties, plain, by themselves. The snake turns its head away in disgust.

The man fumes, "No! He wants real hamburgers too, in buns, like mine. In buns!"

The waitress starts to protest, "But sir, our restaurant is low on buns right now, and... do snakes even eat bread...?"

The waitress goes on and on about what an awkward request and situation this is until the man cuts her off, saying, "Listen lady, My Anaconda Don't Want None Unless You Got Buns, Hun!"

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

A millionaire enters the town of Klon.

Upon arriving he notices a particularly popular homosexual bar specifically for women. Seeing a potentially valuable investment, he enters and speaks to the owner.

"How much to own this place?" He asks.

The owner responds: "not for sale, I've got customers waiting."

The millionaire, not wanting to miss an investment, grabs the owners arm as he turns to go and says "wait, I'll do anything to own this place!"

The owner turns back to him slowly and says... "What would you do for a Klon Dyke-bar?"

"Rabbi, why are the Jews so hated?"

At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi: "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi thinks for a while and says "That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big pot and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear."

The young Jew went home and thought to himself "if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, I'll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser." Next day the young Jew showed up with a vodka bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vodka together in one pot and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - "Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said "Drink this now!" The young Jew drank the cup and said "But this is just water!" And the Rabbi said "and that is why the people hate us"

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. when she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Kate told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along."

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 1, 2017

What is a government mandate?

When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...

The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city ...

25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform..

Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful ...when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Basheer working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner......

If you were thinking that Basheer became a doctor, its because you have been reading too many motivational forward messages

What do you call a girl who catches fish?



Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!

Two gay men are on a plane.....

Their names where Justin and Ryan

"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Justin.

"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Justin stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Ryan.

So Justin and Ryan have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble

And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

So, he gets in the first cab.

"How much is it to the airport?" He asks.

The driver says, "$15"

"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"

The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?"


"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"

And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.

He asks, "hey how much to the airport?"

Driver responds, "$15"

The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go"

And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"

Me: lifts gallon

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...

A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...

A lizard, walking by, looked up and saw him. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "What are you doing up there?"

The monkey looked down and answered him. "I'm smoking weed."

"Can I have some?" Asked the Lizard.

"Yeah, dude. Come on up here."

So the lizard climbed the tree and smoked weed with the monkey. They smoked and smoked until the lizard's mouth got dry and he became very thirsty. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "This weed is fire, but my mouth is so dry. Do you have any water?"

"Not on me." Said the monkey. "But there's a stream right over that hill and you can drink all the water you want there."

"Cool." Said the lizard, and he headed over to the stream. While he was drinking an alligator walked by."

"Yo, lizard." Said the alligator. You stoned as fuck."

"Haha, yeah," giggled the lizard.

"You got any more weed?" Asked the alligator.

"Not on me." Said the lizard, "but there's a monkey in the tree over there and he might have more."

The alligator walks over to the tree and yells up to the monkey. "Yo, monkey!" He yells. "Have you got any more of that weed?"

The monkey stared down at the alligator rubbing his eyes in disbelief. "Holy shit, lizard." He says. "How much water did you drink?!!"

ba dum tisshh.

This is a joke a drug councilor I had once told the class as an example of stupid stoner logic. I was stoned when he told us and I laughed my ass off.

So I was outside of a bar smoking a cigarette...

And I see this man walking an alligator on a leash and harness. As he aproaches the bar to enter, the bouncer stops him and says "hey man, are you serious? You can't bring that gator in here." The man replies "come on he's on a leash and he is very well trained. I just want to grab one drink and I'll be on my way." The bouncer says " sorry man, I can't let you in" The man insists and says "I'll show you a trick and if you're impressed you have to let us in" At this point there's a crowd forming in the street, itching to see what this guy will do next, so the bouncer agrees. The man removes the harness from the gator and pulls his pants down. He proceeds to open the gators mouth and stick his dick inside it's mouth. He shut the gators mouth and hit it on the head 5 times with a stick. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his penis, which was completely unharmed. Everyone in awe, the man exclaimed "would anyone else like to try?" An old lady in the back of the crowd then responded "I will if you don't hit me on the head with that fucking stick."

First on CNN: Trump's cabinet pick invested in company, then introduced a bill to help it

First on CNN: Trump's cabinet pick invested in company, then introduced a bill to help it
Rep. Tom Price last year purchased shares in a medical device manufacturer days before introducing legislation that would have directly benefited the company, raising new ethics concerns for President-elect Donald Trump's nominee for Health and Human Services secretary.

January 17, 2017 at 10:16AM
via Digg

A blonde joke...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" ............

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at a rapid pace. Jamaal is quickly transporting the coal and the two have quite the efficient operation going.

Slowly Frank's pick begins to go dull and his shovel handle is breaking off. Jamaal's transportation cart has a rickety wheel and they need replacements from their supply man, Wong. However, Wong is nowhere to be found. In fact, no one has seen him all day long. Frustrated, Frank and Jamaal go to find the manager and explain the situation. The manager is equally upset.

The three of them go about the mine looking to find Wong. They search high and low, but Wong can't be found anywhere. Extremely frustrated and about to give up, they decide to take a look down a dark, abandoned shaft. They peak their heads in and suddenly Wong jumps out of nowhere and yells, "SUPPRIES!!!"

Three guys stranded on an island

I didn't make this up, and it may very well be a repost, but I heard it as a kid and haven't really ever heard it told again since. Goes something like this:

Three guys crash land on an island. Immediately they are captured by the indigenous tribal people. It becomes clear that these people are cannibals. The men beg for their lives, as anyone would. Through a bunch of hand-waving, drawing pictures in the sand, etc the men learn of a ritual the tribal people let prisoners perform in a chance to save their lives.

First, the men are sent out into the jungle to collect 10 pieces of any fruit they find. So off they go.

The first guy comes back with 10 oranges. The tribe chief explains that now he must put all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without making any noise. The guy gets to like one and a half before he cries out in pain. He's immediately killed and eaten.

The second guy comes back with grapes. The chief explains the next challenge to the guy. He gets to 9 grapes and he laughs. The tribe kills and eats him right there on the spot.

The first two guys meet up at the pearly gates. The first guys asks the second: "what happened? you were almost home free!"

The second guy replies: "yeah, I know... but right as I was almost done I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."