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Thứ Hai, 31 tháng 7, 2017

For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married

I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired! 🥁

What do you call it when two flowers have a child?

Plant parenthood.

English is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

I'll never forget my son's first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?!"

Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason?

Fake Noose

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Never die a virgin…

… When you get to Heaven they will make you have sex with a suicide bomber.

Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.

Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The first guy says "guys my hands are so tiny, I must have the smallest hands in the world!"

The second guy, not wanting to be outdone, says "Well my feet are minuscule! I know I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third guy, a little hesitant, says "guys... I think I have the smallest penis in the world."

They decide to make the trip together to the World Record Measuring studio.

The first guy goes in, and comes out with a certificate stating he has the smallest hands in the world. "See! I told you I had the smallest hands in the world!"

The second guy goes in, and he also comes out with a certificate. " I knew it! My feet are the smallest in the world!"

The third guy goes in, but does not come out with a certificate. Instead he yells "WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN JOHNSON?!"

Why did I get divorced ?

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!" A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

An Officer is on patrol in L.A.

When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.

Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference?"

The Officer drags the man out of his car, pulls out his baton and starts beating the shit out of him while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?"

This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .

I was going to do a joke about time travel…

…but nobody liked it.

A Lesson in Morals

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Anal invitation

"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.

"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"

"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.

"Maybe you're not, but my door is."

Manliest man ever contest

Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award: - First room: 10 barrels of best wine - Second room: 10 times with a very hot model - Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.

The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.

The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said

"Hell of a night man. Now, show me the tiger room"

Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

Why do Canadians do it doggy style?

So they both can watch the hockey game.

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

[NSFW] My favorite NSFW joke from my high school.

Three brothers owned a prized horse. One day when the brothers were checking in, they found the horse was dead. So they prayed the whole morning asking god to bring back the horse. Suddenly, a fairy appeared.

Fairy: I can bring back the horse but on one condition, at least one of you have to satisfy me with a really good fucking.

The 2nd brother(2nd by age) went first. He inserted his weiner and started fucking her. She was far from being satisfied instead she was bored.

Then came the oldest brother, a known womaniser. He was better than his younger brother, but still too far from satisfying her.

Finally, it was the turn of the youngest brother. He pulled out his dick and started fucking her. To everyone's surprise the fairy started moaning with joy within some seconds into action as that was the best sex she ever had. After a hour he was still going on but the fairy started moaning roughly and was so exhausted that she had to be separated by the other brothers to save her from any damage.

The fairy was more than satisfied.

Then impressed by his brother, the eldest one said ," Damn, man. What... How did you even.......". The youngest brother interrupted and replied ,"What did you think killed the horse?"

Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 7, 2017

Why don't black people go on cruise ships?

Because they're not falling for that one again.

My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with

"Only with you babe..." I replied

"Awww, really?"

"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

A boy was watching TV with his father

When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls...

I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"

"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."

"And what's so bad about that?"

"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."

"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."

Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates..

They will kill your dog.

I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

What's the difference between a calorie and a dick?

Your mom can tell you how many calories she eats per day.

"Give it to me now!" she yelled "I'm so wet!"

She can scream all she wants...I'm not giving her the fucking umbrella

You hear about the transgender in the military?

[removed]

Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 7, 2017

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.

“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.

“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going. The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the  kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the  last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.  The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter. The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was affraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

Why did the semen cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning

Nun joke we used to tell back when I was in catholic school

Back in the Mexican revolution a bunch of armed men enter a convent and start rounding up all of the nuns in the cafeteria. The leader of the bandits starts yelling:

"We are part of the Pancho Villa army and it is our right to take what we want! We want all of your food and supplies!"

Sister Mary yells from the back: Not the chickens, please, not the chickens!

"I said ALL of your food and supplies!" replied the bandit. "Plus, we are going to rape everyone of you!"

"Not Superior Sister Prudence, please! She's 80 years old!" yelled sister Mary again.

Before the bandit could say anything there was a commotion in the back. It was Superior Sister Prudence making her way to the front yelling: "He said EVERYONE!".

What’s a stalker and a Pokemon nerd got in common?

They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.

Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug her out and ate her.

Moral of the story

  1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

  2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

  3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

My girlfriend said having a four inch penis is OK

Still, I wish she didn't have one

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'

The man quickly replies 'You go up there and tell that bastard off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

What's the proper name for a gay couch?

A homosectional.

Health Care Debate: Obamacare Repeal Fails as McCain Votes No


Health Care Debate: Obamacare Repeal Fails as McCain Votes No
John McCain, along with Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski, voted with Democrats in the early morning hours of Friday to reject the Senate GOP's "skinny repeal" bill.

July 28, 2017 at 12:42PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2vORWHJ

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.

Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, bitch?"

This Is Just An Extremely Good Video Of A Hamster Pushing Another Hamster Off Their Wheel


This Is Just An Extremely Good Video Of A Hamster Pushing Another Hamster Off Their Wheel
Listen, we don't want to be hyperbolic, but this probably one of the best hamster videos on the internet.

July 28, 2017 at 03:17AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2tNtyJ1

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?" FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets" Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.

A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks "how can I make America great again?" Washington replies "I would suggest you never tell a lie", which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.

Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks "how can I make America great again?". Lincoln thinks for a bit and says "go to the theater".

I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

my car to reverse leaving the scene.

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

A pakistani walks into a bar

A pakistani walks into a bar and orders bacon and a beer.

The shocked bartender asks, "isn't this a sin in your religion?"

He replies, " ya but all my sins will be forgiven in mmmm... 2 mins 40 seconds."

Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 7, 2017

I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room

Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?" Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them. A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?" the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions" the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please" the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left" the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please." the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?" the woman confused says "you would get 't' " the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?" the woman says "you would get 'p'" the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?" the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. " and the man screams "CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!"

Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Two women and a man are sitting at a park bench

The first woman looks across the bench at the man and studies his face.

"Oh my gosh" she said to the second woman,

"i think that's Adolf Hitler"!

"It can't be", the second woman responds,

"he killed himself 70 years ago".

But the first woman was sure this man was Hitler, so she leaned across the bench and asked the man,

"why excuse me, are you Adolf Hitler"?

The man looks up,

"indeed, i am Adolf Hitler".

Both woman look at each other in shock,

"see"? says the first woman to the second,

"i told you that was Hitler"!

"My god you're right"!

The second woman responds,

She turns her head to Hitler and asks,

"what are you doing here"?

"Well", he whispers,

"i'm planning another mass homicide".

"I'm going to kill another 6 million Jews, and 6 postmen".

"Why the 6 postmen"?

The two woman ask simultaneously

"See"?

Hitler responds,

"Still no-one gives a shit about the Jews".

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

Two gay guys live in a house...

This is a joke to tell your friends!!

Two gay guys live in a house. One night they're bored so the one gay guy says to the other

"Do you wanna play the game where you find something in the house, stick it up my ass, and I guess what it is?"

"Hell yeah!"

So the one gay guy bends over the couch blind folded while the other guy goes to the kitchen and grabs the wooden spoon. He runs back and sticks it in there. Without flinching he says

"Oh! That's the wooden spoon!"

The other guy runs to the closet and grabs the broomstick. He runs back and shoves it in there. It takes a second, but he quickly responds.

"That's the broomstick!"

Before the other guy runs off he says, "One more time and then it's my turn!"

He runs upstairs to the bathroom and grabs the...

(This is where you have a confused look on your face, as if you can't put your tongue on this name. and start doing the motion of using a plunger. Everytime, someone will scream out plunger!! You hurry up and point to the asshat that says it and say

"Oh! You've play this game?!"

Been using it for over 13 years and works 70% of the time, all the time!

I hope you like it!

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

I think they should let transgenders to join the military. They could be an elite special forces unit.

We can call them X-Men

Edit: sorry for the terrible grammar

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

Obama, Hillary and Trump

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Minor Leaguer Hits An Inside-The-Park Grand Slam, Thanks To A Clever Slide Into Home


Minor Leaguer Hits An Inside-The-Park Grand Slam, Thanks To A Clever Slide Into Home
​Now here's something you don't see every day.

July 27, 2017 at 08:14PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2vLR1re

I asked Siri "What do women want?"

My phone has not shut up for the past three days.

A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"...

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?

My first original long joke called "Luck"

When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.

“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.

“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.

“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.

“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.

“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”

“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.

It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.

“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”

That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.

I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.

“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.

“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.

“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.

“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.

“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”

After two days, it was already raffle day. I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.

One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.

“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”

“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”

“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”

“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”

Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.

“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”

Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.

I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.

“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“I can make you win the next major raffle.”

“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.

“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”

“Okay so how do I win it?”

“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”

“The what?”

“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”

“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.

“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do now is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”

“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”

“Well, he is my son.”

“How is he your son?”

“I gave birth to him.”

Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.

“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”

Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.

“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”

Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.

After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.

It was time.

The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.

“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”

“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounces his name.

“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”

“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.

“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”

“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.

Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.

“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.

I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”

“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.

I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”

A man and a woman were driving down the road

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over, slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 8 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "What in the heck was that?!?"

Not wanting to expose his sweet daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a fly, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "I'm surprised it got off the ground with a dick that big!"

Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 7, 2017

A guy walks into a bar

He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It tastes just like coke! A second guy walks in and orders a gin and tonic, again the bartender fiddles around for a second and pulls out an apple. He's confused. But he bites it, wow! It tastes just like gin! Bartender says to turn it around and wow! It tastes just like tonic! So a third guy walks in and the first two guys are like, "dude you'll never believe it! This bartender can make apples taste like anything!" So, skeptical, the guy says "ok bartender, give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender says ok, fiddled around under the bar for a second and gives him the apple. He bites into it and says, "ew that tastes like shit!" The bartender says, "turn it around."

How did the farmer find his wife?

HE TRACTOR DOWN

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor bastard

I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I'd start thinking about you.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

Reddit jokes are like a CB radio..

copy that

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."

The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.

"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."

The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.

Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.

The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.

The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....

Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.

The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.

The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.

The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline. The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

Edit: A Classic Joke

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make somebody happy before I die."

So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... talents trying to kill themselves anyway?"

"It's my father. He disowned me."

"But why!?"

"For dressing up as a woman."

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks

This Is The Strangest, Dumbest Minute Of Basketball We've Seen In A Long Time


This Is The Strangest, Dumbest Minute Of Basketball We've Seen In A Long Time
The finals of the U19 Women's Basketball World Cup got weird.

July 26, 2017 at 11:57PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2uzRXPz

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony.

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. "When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. "When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'

What does my asshole and my Toyota have in common?

They're both leaking tranny fluid.

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

Again it doesn't stop so the librarian finds another book to give the chicken and again the chicken pushes the book out the front door.

Throughout the day the chicken keeps coming back, saying "book, book, book, book," and gets a new book to take away.

Finally curiosity gets the better of the librarian and so decides to follow the chicken and find out it is doing with the books.

From the front door the librarian sees the chicken push the book across the road to a park, and then towards a pond.

The librarian sees the chicken get to the pond so sneaks closer to see what happens. At the pond the chicken pushes the book to a lily pad and says "book, book, book, book."

From the lily pad a frog takes one look at the book and says "Reddit."

Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 7, 2017

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo 2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo. 3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo. 4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework. Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name? 4th Student: Yakobo

Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

I asked someone in North Korea how their day was going...

They replied, "Can't complain."

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.

-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again

With anger in his eyes the painter said:

-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"

I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.

Trump has a heart attack ....

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go...!"

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing...

But it's up there.

A guy gets out of jail.

With only $10 to his name and extremely horny, he heads to the local whorehouse. He pleads and begs the pimp for a $10 lay. Finally, the pimp says, "Look, for ten bucks, all I got for you is a chicken." The guy is desperate so he agrees on fucking a chicken.

The guy enters a room and sure enough there's a chicken. He has his way with the bird and leaves.

He manages to scrape up another $10 and returns the next day to the pimp. "Do you have anything else besides the chicken?", he asks. The pimp replies, "Well, we do have a show where you can just watch two people fucking".

He takes that offer and enters a room with a large window and a couple of chairs. While watching the show he turns to the guy next to him and says, "this is a pretty good show for $10". The guy next to him responds, "You should have seen the show yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken."

I got so drunk last night

I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.

The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.

Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".

The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."

What Will The US' Once-In-A-Century Solar Eclipse Look Like From Your Zip Code? This Interactive Shows You


What Will The US' Once-In-A-Century Solar Eclipse Look Like From Your Zip Code? This Interactive Shows You
If you can't make it to somewhere located in the full eclipse path, this great interactive from Vox will show you how much of an eclipse you'll see from your home zip code (and what time of day it will peak).

July 25, 2017 at 11:44PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2tGrOkK

I went to the dentist today

Dentist: Open up please

Me: Sometimes I get sad.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's just something I could really see myself doing.

Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 7, 2017

Five redditors are walking in the forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie grants him the wish, and he posts joke #385 on r/Jokes and gets a couple upvotes.

The second one asks for a man hanging from a balcony by the fingertips, a man in a refrigerator, and a man coming home from work. The genies grants it, and he posts #9910 on reddit, getting some dozen upvotes.

The third one asks for a meta-joke. The genie gives him a reel joke, and it generates a thousand upvotes.

The fourth one asks for something to get him the top all-time post spot on r/Jokes. The genie gives him two "v"s and an edit. He posts it and drowns in karma.

The fifth and final redditor asks for an original joke that had never been posted on r/Jokes before. The genie groaned: "Are you kidding me? Doesn't exist. Your wish is used up, too. Take a ten-lane highway to Hawaii, a legless parrot, and a talking dog, and go away."

Rather than post jokes 839, 3924, and 936, the fifth redditor decides to post a joke about five redditors in a forest.

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest. "We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros." So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world. At dawn the Englisman is awoken by the Spaniard bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says, "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"

A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

A boy has sex with his teacher

When he gets home from school, his mother asks him,

"What did you do today in school?"

The child replies,

"I had sex with the teacher."

Furious, the mother scolds the boy and makes him go to his room.

"Wait until you're father gets here!" she exclaims.

An hour later, the father arrives home. Immediately he is informed of what his son did at school today by the mom. But instead of being outraged like his wife had been, the father praises his son.

"Son, you're growing into a real man. I think it's time to get you a bike."

So, the two go out and get the bike, and when they come home, the father asks,

"Son, do you want to try the bike now?"

"Not right now. My butt still hurts."

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

The only idea that flat-earthers fear

is sphere itself.

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."

I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

Turn Off Your Push Notifications. All of Them


Turn Off Your Push Notifications. All of Them
Push notifications are ruining my life. Yours too, I bet. Download more than a few apps and the notifications become a non-stop, cacophonous waterfall of nonsense.

July 24, 2017 at 10:22AM
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To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket....

You can hide, but you can't run

Atheism and religion are two sides of the same coin

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it"

Want to know what disappointment feels like?

[deleted]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'. The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him.... Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.

'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.

Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 7, 2017

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."

The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick."

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did

Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

Headache & Testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?

It doesn't have any answers.

She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.

A dog walks into a bar

The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

Is it ok to hate a certain race?

I don't mind doing the 5K, but my running group is thinking of joining a 10K and I don't really like them.

I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet". I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"

This Man Used His Inherited Fortune To Fund The Racist Right


This Man Used His Inherited Fortune To Fund The Racist Right
William Regnery II, a man who inherited millions but struggled in business, tried for 15 years to ignite a racist political movement — and failed. Then an unforeseen phenomenon named Donald Trump gave legitimacy to what Regnery had seeded long before: the alt-right.

July 24, 2017 at 12:53AM
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A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

Orange Dick

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange. The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"

The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

Fifty bucks

A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him "I have a few uses for a duck but I don't have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay for a trade?" The boy agrees and they go inside to have sex. Afterwards the lady says to the boy "You were pretty good, if you can do it again I'll give you your duck back" the boy once again agrees and they go back inside. After their second time they go back outside and the lady gives the boy his duck back, but as she hands it over it flies out of her hand and into traffic where a car hits it. The driver runs out and over to the boy apologizing profusely and offers the boy $50 for the loss of his duck. The boy goes back home and his mother asks him how he did, the boy says "Well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck."

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law.

Who lives at 1837 3rd st, LA 90023 blue house. She gets off work at 6.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 7, 2017

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She replied: "They're right behind you!!".

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women…

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

Three nurses in the morgue...

Three nurses went down to the morgue and found a dead guy lying there with a hard-on. " It's a shame to waste that!" exclaimed the first nurse, so she proceeds to ride him. The second nurse didn't hesitate to ride the guy after the first nurse was done, but the third was a bit hesitant because she said she was on her period, but she rode him anyway.

Then suddenly the man sat up alive. This took the nurses by surprise and each of them tried to apologize and said that they thought he was dead. Then the guy says, " I was dead, but after a couple of jump-starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fucking great!!!"

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

What do me and Donald Trump have in common?

We'd both date his daughter if she wasn't his daughter.

I was at a restaurant the other day when I heard the waitress scream, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed. Well, except this one guy.

Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

A very unlucky man with one testicle

This is a very popular joke in Turkish, I'll try to translate.

There was this very unlucky man who only had one testicle. One day while he was travelling on a plane, the captain makes an announcement and tells that one of the engines of the plane have failed and one person must be thrown off the plane. To pick this person, they write everyone's seat numbers on papers and put them in a bag. And not surprisingly, the number pulled was this unlucky guy's seat. He was like "Ahh, man. I will jump only if you know the answer of the question I will ask". People agree and he asks this question by pointing to one of the other guys in the plane: "How many testicles I and this guy have in total?" Everyone answers confidently:"Four, of course four." The unlucky man laughs and pulls down his pants revealing his only testicle. The guy he pointed also pulls down his pants and he has three testicles.

What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks.

Steel Mill Worker Turns His Back, Nearly Gets Hit By A Flying Rope Of Hot Steel


Steel Mill Worker Turns His Back, Nearly Gets Hit By A Flying Rope Of Hot Steel
This is a "cobble," a steel mill mishap where a jam in the machinery leads to a pressure build up and a rope of hot steel getting thrown into the air. It's not a huge problem, unless you aren't looking when it happens.

July 22, 2017 at 10:29PM
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A man really hated his wife's cat...

A man really hated his wife's cat. One day, unbeknownst to his wife, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.

Several hours later the man's wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.

"Is the cat there?" He asked.

"Yes..." she replied.

"Well put him on the phone, I'm lost"

Yo mama so fat...

I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.

At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 7, 2017

It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"

The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."

Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"

The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."

Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"

The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

I know every single digit of pi!

Just not in the right order

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?

Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.

Jesus once said, "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword…"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point…

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

You can't spell advertisements...

Without the semen between the tits.

My wife caught me cross dressing last night.

So I packed her things and left

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took a sample to a lab to have it tested, but all signs showed it was pure sand.

Reluctantly, the officer let the kid go.

The next day, the same kid rolled up on his bike to the Mexican border with another sack in his hand.

Again, the officer asked what was in the bag. He searched through the bag and once again had the sack tested of its contents, but it was just sand.

The officer had no choice but to let the kid leave again.

This went on for years. The officer was sure that one day the kid would have something else in the sack, and eventually he drove himself to insanity. He was fired and became a heavy drinker.

One day, he was at the bar when the teenager who had been crossing the border everyday with the sack of sand sat down next to him.

The ex-border patrol officer looked at him and pleaded, "Look. All those times you were crossing the border, I know you were smuggling something! Please just tell me what it was and give me some peace at mind. I don't even work as a cop anymore!"

The kid said,

"Bikes."

A lone sniper was just about to…

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said
"I meant to shout "Donald, duck!

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.

Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.

Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.

But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.

Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."

Curious, Attila did as he asked.

Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.

"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.

Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.

To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,

"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

This Fighter Jet's Maneuvering Ability Is Messing With Our Heads


This Fighter Jet's Maneuvering Ability Is Messing With Our Heads
​This is a Russian SU-35 fighter jet. It can do some bonkers things in the air.

July 21, 2017 at 09:21PM
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A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get outta here. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back into the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nice shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This could be a major development!"

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands au natural. Eventually the C sobers up, and realizes with horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations of the contrary are bassless.

The bartender then decides, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes...

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.

The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod."

"Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before."

"No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman.

The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC.

The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish."

"Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street".

"No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman.

The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'.

"Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time".

"No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman.

The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes."

The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?"

The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?"

The fisherman nods.

The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense.

He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?"

The fisherman says "I can't answer that here".

The bartender asks "Why not?"

The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"

My penis was in the guiness book of world records...

But then the librarian kicked me out

Why does Superman have a lower case "s" on his chest?

Because not all heroes wear caps.

Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 7, 2017

What do you call a child with redheaded parents?

Ginger-bred

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
- You can make one phone call, but you'd have to pay for it, - says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who's the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
- This call will cost you $100,000, - says the devil.
The businessman goes next, askes about his company, how are things, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
- This call will cost you $1,000,000, - says the devil.
The network admin is the last one to call. He askes how are all the servers working, were there any problems and discusses every one of them in details. All in all it took him several hours to finish the call.
- This call will cost you $10.50, - says the devil.
-What? Why? How? - the king and the businessman resent, - He talked so much longer than we did!
The devil answers:
- There is no charge for roaming when you call from hell to hell.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club.

But I'd never met herbivore.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

  2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

  3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

  4. Dogs' parents never visit.

  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

  7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

  9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

  10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

  11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

  12. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.

  13. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

    And last, but not least:

  14. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff....

Makes you wonder...:)

My wife walked in on me...

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

I fucked a girl for an hour and 34 seconds last night.

Thanks daylight savings.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers

And says "I'll have five beers, please."

While buying condoms the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?"

I said, "Nah, he isn't that ugly."

What do you call an illegal immigrant vs. a child molester?

Alien vs. Predator.

Ralph and Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping inand saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

Last night I had sex with my cousin, but its OK... She was twice

[removed]

Well, OJ has been paroled.

The spokesperson for the parole board that granted him his new freedom said they "decided to give him another stab at it."

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

Neil Armstrong used to tell purposely unfunny jokes about walking on the moon.

When people din't laugh he used to say to them " Oh well, I guess you had to be there."

Scientists have reversed brain damage in a U.S. toddler who drowned in her family swimming pool


Scientists have reversed brain damage in a U.S. toddler who drowned in her family swimming pool
Using oxygen therapy, scientists were able to restore Eden Carlson's ability to walk and talk just months after the accident, in which she spent 15 minutes submerged in a swimming pool and two hours where her heart did not beat on its own.

July 21, 2017 at 12:54AM
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What's forest gumps wifi password?

1forest1

Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today

Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”

“That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean”

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, “You’re not a natural brunette are you?”

“No I’m a blonde”, she replies.

“I thought so…. your finger is broken.”, replies the doctor.

What happened to Theon Greyjoy's manhood?

[removed]

If Ironman and Silver Surfer teamed up

They would be alloys

I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl.

8 times.

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 7, 2017

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

Will glass coffins be successful?

Remains to be seen.

I have a huge phobia of hair.

I dreadlocks.

I apologise gratuitously.

Two brothers are off on a winter vacation in a cabin they rented out for the weekend. After some catching up, one of them goes down to the basement to get some drinks, at which point he notices a coffin in the corner.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a hand comes out of it, and drags the entire thing towards the brother.

Shouting, he runs upstairs and tells the brother what happened. Soon after, the coffin bursts through the door. Screaming, they ran to the kitchen and started throwing anything they could find at it. Pots, pans, plates, and even the trash can. But the coffin wouldn't stop.

Terrified, they went to the living room and started throwing everything at it. Books, cups, and even coasters. But the coffin wouldn't stop.

Out of energy and hope, they barred themselves in the bathroom. The door smashed open and they cried out for help. They threw toilet paper and bottles of shampoo. But the coffin just wouldn't stop. Out of desperation, one of them threw a bottle of cough medicine. The coffin stopped.

My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan gosling

Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
‘Hey there,’ hailed second blonde, ‘what is in the bag?’
‘Chickens,’ came the reply.
‘If I guess how many, can I have one?’
‘You can have both of them.’
‘OK.. five?’ Said the second blonde.

My teacher told me to turn in my essay

But I ain't no snitch

I used to cry during sex

but now pepper spray doesn't affect me

Body Camera Footage Shows Baltimore Cop Planting Drugs At Crime Scene


Body Camera Footage Shows Baltimore Cop Planting Drugs At Crime Scene
​In the annals of video footage of police misconduct, this new video from a Baltimore police officer's body camera in January ranks as not particularly violent but still shocking.

July 20, 2017 at 04:09AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2uDeGfg

I'm sorry for this

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

How many cops does it take to push a minority down the stairs?

None, "He fell"

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

90's kids won't get this 😂😂

Affordable housing prices

Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 7, 2017

A man gets pulled over by a cop

The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.

"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."

"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."

"Alright, then just come down to the station and we'll do a blood test."

"I can't do that either, I'm a hemophiliac. Any puncture will end up bleeding for hours then I'll pass out."

"Okay, then step out of the car and we'll do a standard field sobriety tes-"

"Sorry, but I have a slight vitamin b12 deficiency, so I naturally shake while doing basic tasks, so the tests would be inconclusive."

"Well then just walk along in a straight line."

"I can't do that either"

"Why?"

"Because I'm drunk."

How to use “and” 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called “This And That” and hired another man to make a sign for it.

When it was finished the owner inspected the work.

He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, “The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it”

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes?

Because they always punch up the fuckline

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital...

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

I'm a scientist studying the effects of beastiality between humans and dogs.

If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.

Little Johnny comes home from school

He says to his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" the father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, Johnny comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.

"Not yet."

"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

Johnny explains, "Well, we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'The fuck am I suppose to do, stand on my dick!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, Little Johnny asks his father "Did you go to the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" asks the father.

"That's what I asked!" said Little Johnny.

What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman.

I'm not passive aggressive

Unlike some people

A man is cleaning out his house and finds a pile of old New York Post papers.

He decides he doesn't have any use for them, and goes to the local recycling center to dispose of them.

He sees the first recycling bin, marked "Glass". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the second recycling bin, marked "Plastic". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the third recycling bin, marked "Paper". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the fourth recycling bin. marked "r/Jokes". The man says, "Oh, finally. Somewhere I can recycle all my old Posts."

My daughter has got to the age where she ask embarrassing questions about sex

Such as today when she asked "Is that the best you can do?"

...And That's When I Lost It.

I rear-ended a midget the other day with my car. I didn't know he was a midget when I ran into him. I got out to apologize, expecting a normal size driver, and when I saw the midget climb out of his car and start walking back toward me with his grumpy face, I just about lost it. I can't help it, I laugh when I'm nervous, and he just looked so funny marching back toward me.

 

So anyways, I'm doing everything I can to avoid cracking up because I know it's only going to make it worse if I start laughing at him after I've already dented his car. Well he looks at me with a very stern face and he can tell I'm not taking him very seriously.

 

"There's nothing funny about this." He said.

 

"I know." I replied.

 

"I'm not happy." He stated.

 

"Well then which one are you?"

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

A Chinese doctor opens his own clinic

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside :
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Typical White Man

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.

The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"