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Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)

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Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)

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Play game and comfortable :)

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Thứ Hai, 31 tháng 10, 2016

There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've never been kissed before, would you please kiss me?" So the man, similar to the last, picks her up, kisses her, puts her back down, and continues on with his day.

Later on, a third man walks passed her and she says "Excuse me, I've never been fucked before, would you please fuck me?" So the man picks the lady up, throws her into the ocean and says, "Well, you're fucked now."

How do you know that an introvert likes you?

He looks at your shoes instead of his.

A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

I think I'm failing my marine biology class

My grade is below C level.

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter.

Inside the secret meeting that changed the fate of Vine forever

Inside the secret meeting that changed the fate of Vine forever
If Vine agreed the the deal proposed by nearly 20 of the platform's top creators, they could theoretically generate billions of views and boost engagement on a starving app. If they said no, all the top stars would walk.

October 30, 2016 at 11:48PM
via Digg

James Comey, Hillary Clinton, and the Email Investigation: A Guide for the Perplexed

James Comey, Hillary Clinton, and the Email Investigation: A Guide for the Perplexed
Answers to eighteen possible questions one might have when trying to figure out what the heck is going on with Hillary Clinton's emails, the FBI and the 2016 election.

October 31, 2016 at 01:23AM
via Digg

I'm terrified of elevators

I take steps to avoid them

At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles. Quart of milk. Half a dozen eggs. A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"

I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, what gave it away?"

"Because you're fucking ugly."

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".

What math classes do gender studies majors take?


A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived. 'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

A Rasputinesque mystery woman and a cultish religion could take down South Korea's president Park Geun-hye

A Rasputinesque mystery woman and a cultish religion could take down South Korea's president Park Geun-hye
At the heart of the weird scandal surrounding South Korean president Park Geun-hye and confidante Choi Soon-sil, Koreans see their president as being under the spell of a “palm-reader” and even a quack.

October 31, 2016 at 01:23AM
via Digg

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"

He gets into his car and drives through the gates.

Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a ford pinto!"

But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.

The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"

He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?" "That's true," God replied. "And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?" "That's true," God said. "Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man. "Sure," said God, "in a minute."

Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 10, 2016

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

"I hate tacos"...

Said no Juan ever

A woman goes for a facelift

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...."

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women?

American women get stoned before they commit adultery..

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when... wife said, "You spoil those dogs."

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her.

When he returned, he called the 3 knights in.

He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place!

The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!"

The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"

When I get a dog, I am going to name him Franz Ferdinand

So I can take him out (I tried)

What is heavy forwards and not backwards?


What did the suicide bomber instructor say to his class?

Now pay attention class, I'm only going to do this once.

A man was nervously waiting for a job interview when the receptionist warned him about the boss...

A man was nervously waiting for a job interview when the receptionist warned him about the boss. "Before you go in for your interview," she said, "just be aware that he doesn't have any ears and he's super sensitive about it. Whatever you do, don't draw any attention to it."

"Oh, ok thanks!" said the man.

When he went in for the interview the man with no ears looks at him and said, "do you notice anything about me?"

Stunned at how odd the man looked without ears, he could not help but to say, "wow you don't have ears."

"GET OUT!" the boss screamed.

Another man came in and the receptionist gave him the same warning. "Whatever you do, don't bring up his ears."

"Got it!" said the second man confidently.

He was trying not to stare at the boss' head when the boss said, "you notice something about me?"

Not able to hold it in, "Yeah you don't have any ears that just so weird!"

"GET OUT!" the boss screamed.

A third man came and and the receptionist dutifully gave him the same warning. "Whatever you do, just don't bring any attention to the fact that the boss doesn't have ears."

"No problem," he said.

When the third man met the boss, he looked strangely at him. The boss said, "do you notice anything about me?"

"Yeah, you wear contact lenses." the man confidently replied.

"Wow that's amazing! How did you know that?" said the boss bewildered.

"Well you have to, glasses would fall right off your face because you have no ears."

I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me

It means a lot

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

This one's all about death.

This one's all about death.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

October 29, 2016 at 07:35PM
via Digg

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral

Because that person is still alive?

Good jokes are like pizza.

This is not a pizza.

Why aren't there Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because there are Targets on every corner.

A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"

The salesman replies "1 dollar."

"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"

The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."

"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"


"Wow, can't turn that down."

Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton are running for president...

the end.

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom

This morning we synthesised a new protein chain

Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 10, 2016

I just got one of those workout watches

apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

What does "IDK" mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

Failed my biology test today...

...They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left, I immediately told him I was not going to give him the DVD, but him being the autist he is, he starts bothering me about it every couple of seconds, but luckily, quiets down before dinner.

He asked for it once more while we were having lunch, and when I responded negatively again, he took his plate and ran into my treehouse. His parents make me go check on him.

Little did he know, you were able to remove the treehouse ladder, and since I was 12 at the time, I removed them and went to go get icecream in the house. I'm forced to ask him if he wants some, but when I leave the house, he's there and he thinks he's controlling me because I came to see him twice already, so he tells me to run around like a chicken. I tell him about the ice cream and how he isn't getting any, and he starts crying and screaming at me to let him get back down. I tell him: "Never gonna give you "Up", never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and dessert you."

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Suicide Attempt

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump off and end his life.

"Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value in the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me, the whore."

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then 'Remember the Alamo'!" yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

And the Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a bitch!"

Why did the blind woman fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

Running While Female

Running While Female
Male runners may be shocked to learn how often women must endure on-the-run harassment. Many female runners have come to just expect it — and that should upset us all.

October 28, 2016 at 10:32PM
via Digg

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls...

I was in the women's bathroom.

I can't find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it posted again :(

Canadian money

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the "Toonie" (two dollars) in view of its demise soon with global warming.

In the height of political correctness they will replace it with two gay deer. Instead of calling it a "toonie," it will now be called "two fucking bucks"

My friend was called fat today.

I told him "It'll be okay, just keep your chins up".

A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon

His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers.

We are maid for each other.

How can you tell an ant's gender?

  1. Get a glass full of water
  2. Throw the ant into the glass
  3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
  4. If it floats, it's boy ant

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'....

Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 10, 2016

My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

I have just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Is that you, André?".

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

Edit: Hey /u/RogueDM1214 thanks for the gold!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"

The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"

When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted r/jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the admin "What happened?"

The admin replies "Nobody had heard that one before"

EDIT: Formatting

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

My dad's a superhero

He's the invisible man.

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife. "Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it". The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect." He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?” His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.” The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?" Pete responds, "I don't remember."

A man with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge....

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"

A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".

"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.

"I'm Vietnamese, we value education I'll be here Monday".

"Ok" says the teacher "Lets try another one: 'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'"

This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises.

"Abraham Lincoln"

"Correct Susie." the teacher asserts "Enjoy your day off"

Susie says "Oh no ma'am. I'm Chinese, we also value education I'll be here early on Monday morning".

"Fucking immigrants!" a voice says from the back.

"Who said that?!" the teacher snaps.

"Donald Trump..." says little Johnny "...I'll see ya Tuesday"

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone

My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

What do you call a bad riddle?


You the bomb.

No, you the bomb.

A compliment in America.

An argument in the Middle East.

I buy all my guns from a guy named "T-Rex"

He's a small arms dealer

Why Martians Will Descend From Humans

Why Martians Will Descend From Humans
Settling Mars would be an incredible achievement — and it could create a new human species.

October 28, 2016 at 01:30AM
via Digg

I like my women like I like my computer

Turned on On my lap And virus free

Religious Boyfriend

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

What do you call a fat psychic?

...a four chin teller

A girl takes a black guy home...

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house. They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)" To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 10, 2016

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker... I told her to roll them tighter.

The doctor said to the patient

We had to remove a part of your rectum

Patient- will I be any different?

Doctor-Just less of an asshole

What do you call a group of babies?

an Infantry

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Bad cooking and sex

Husband: Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV.

Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says,
"You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

By far the worst thing I've ever done

I was 12, living with my abusive uncle and auntie. We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. One day my uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty." She was a bit fucked up like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They meant it, they'd done it before.

A few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Eventually I get board and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin. They hatin'. Patrolling. Trying to catch me riding Dirty.

A boy is selling fish on a corner

To get the attention of the passers by, he yelled "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'damn fish'?" The boy responds "Because i caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds, surprised "I didn't know it was acceptable for a pastor to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at dinner, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. His son responds "That's the spirit, dad. Now pass the fucking potatoes."

Kesha, Interrupted

Kesha, Interrupted
Kesha is no longer the artist we met in the late aughts: blazing dollar sign in her name in place of the S, gold Trans Am that she said she wanted to have continuous sex in, 24-7 party girl, dredged in oil and breaded like a schnitzel in glitter.

October 26, 2016 at 07:32PM
via Digg

Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen',he said.....

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

"Well Frank", says the bear, "Now you have to pay for that." The bear proceeds to scratch and maul Frank, and finally, sodomizes him.

Two days later, Frank gets out of the hospital, goes back into the woods, tracks down the offending bear and shoots him. He feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a huge brown bear.

"Hey Frank", says the brown bear. "You just shot my cousin. Now I have to punish you." The bear mauls and bites him and then sodomizes him.

Two weeks later, Frank gets out of the hospital and tracks down the brown bear. He shoots and kills it. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a massive grizzly bear.

"Frank, man...really?" The grizzly proceeds to maul and tear into Frank, then violently sodomizes him.

Two months later, Frank leaves the hospital, immediately goes to his truck, goes back in the woods and finds and shoots the Grizzly. He then feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to see the biggest polar bear he has ever seen.

"C'mon Frank", says the polar bear. "Just admit it. You don't come her for the hunting, do you?"

Stevie Wonder was once asked if there could be anything worse then being blind.

To which he replied "Well... I could have been black".

Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 10, 2016

Within a small tribe of Native Indians, some of the men ask the chief how cold the winter will be...

The chief replies "It will be a very cold winter, we must get a lot of wood"

So, the men go out and collect the winter supply of wood, with some extra just in case. They go back the the chief and ask if it will be enough, to which, he replies: "It will be a very cold winter, go get more wood.

So again, the men go out and collect more wood, they find the Chief again and ask if it will be enough, to which he replies: "No, it will be a very cold winter, you must get more wood."

This happens four more times, until the Chief comes to the realization that if it is not a cold winter, they will kill him for lying to them, and for making them collect so much wood. So the Chief decides to the local town to ask the meteorologist how cold the winter will be. He get's on his horse and heads out. Upon reaching the meteorologist, he asks him "how cold will the winter be?".

The meteorologist responds "Oh, it will be a very cold winter this year"

The chief, relieved, asks how he knows this, to which the meteorologist replies "Just look at how much wood the Indians are collecting!"

Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones

I want a job cleaning mirrors....

It's just something I could really see myself doing.

"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

A black third grader goes up to his mom and says:

"Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade, is it because i'm black?"

"No, it's because you're 19" She replies.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the 

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

"Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."

A duck walks into a bar and asks...

"Hello Bartender, might you happen to have any of those delightful crimson seedless grapes?"

"Sorry sir, I know how much you enjoy them. We should have more by tomorrow. We do however have some fresh Kyoho grapes imported from Japan."

"Ah, I see," says the duck, crestfallen. "Well at any rate those shall suffice."

The bartender presents the grapes on an oriental laquerware serving dish. The duck proceeds to peel back the bitter skin and eat the sweet fruit underneath.

Upon finishing his fruits, the duck asks, "Say friend, might you happen to have any nails?"

"Nails? That's an odd request to a barman. Sorry I'm afraid not."

"Odd indeed. I only ask because I have some hired help doing some restoration work on my heirloom veranda. They've just run out of nails. I just thought I'd ask on the off chance. Well I must be off now to the hardware store, but may I have a parcel of those grapes to go? The help will be parched from working under this hot sun and I suspect they might enjoy some fruit."

"Yes sir. Here you are." The bartender hands him the parcel. The bartender then asks, "Would you like the bill sir?"

"Oh Jeffrey you rapscallion," replies the duck, breaking into a lighthearted chuckle. They share the polite laughter of old acquaintances, as they both well know that the duck has been the owner of the establishment for quite some time since he purchased it from the former owners, who were far less hospitable.

Why are black people unable to get a Ph.D.?

Because they can't get past their Masters.

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "do you have any fish?" The bartender replies, "No fish mate sorry." "Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."

The duck walks into the bar the next day. "Got any fish?" he asks the bartender again. "No, same as yesterday!" replies the bartender slightly annoyed. "Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."

The duck walks into the bar the next day at lunchtime and asks the bartender, "any fish?" "Look here" shouts the bartender pulling a hammer from underneath the bar. "If you come in here asking for fish tomorrow I'm going to nail your bill to this bar."

"Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."

The duck strolls into the bar the very next day. "Got any any nails" he says to the barman."

"No" he replies

"Got any fish?"

What did the cannibalistic lion do?

Swallow his pride.

Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word

I can't tell you how angry I am

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

I Went Undercover With a Border Militia. Here's What I Saw.

I Went Undercover With a Border Militia. Here's What I Saw.
I bought a rifle and headed off to fight tyranny, protect the Constitution, and "catch fucking beaners." A firsthand look at America's resurgent paramilitary movement.

October 25, 2016 at 08:39PM
via Digg

Why did Obama serve two terms?

Because blacks always get a longer sentence

The Perfect Man and the Perfect Woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.


There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.


Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)













The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling****.












So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

If 4 people have sex is called a four-some

3 people have sex is a three-some and 2 people have sex is a two-some

Now you know why they call me handsome

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

My gay friend got stoned today.

I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.

Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 10, 2016

"Honey, you're not really nice to your son"

"Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"

When is a pentagon not a pentagon?

When its intercepted by a seperate plane.

What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

A man is lost in the desert.

He's tired and as he's stumbling up another sand dune , he comes across a lamp.

"What the hell?", he thinks and rubs it three times and a genie pops out.

"Thank you so much!" The genie tells the man. "I've been trapped in that lamp for thousands of years! Since you set me free I will grant you one wish."

The man kinda grumbles thinking he always thought it was three wishes but quickly gets over it. A wish is a wish. He pulls out a map from his back pocket and asks the genie, "You see this part of the world right here?"

He points to the Middle East. "There's so much violence and turmoil that has lasted thousands of years there that I would like there to be peace for as long as the world exists."

The genie responds to the man with a tear coming out of his eye, "I'm sorry . Even with all my magical power I cannot make that wish come true." A tear drops out of the man's eye. He really wanted to make a difference.

"Cheer up!" genie says, "You still have a wish! what else might you wish for?"

"Well... You know Mariah Careys vagina? How it's all blown out and used up? I wish it was nice and tight again. Like when she was younger."

The genie responds, "Let me take a look at that map again."

A funny joke that my arabic dad told me :"the boy who wanted onion flavoured ice cream"

One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!" The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?" , The man is suprised and said: "no ,we don't sorry" the boy leaves The next day at the same time the boy comes in , The shop keeper out of habit says "Welcome" but he sees that it is the boy and silences him self thinking the boy is mad . The boy says :"Do you have onion flavoured ice cream?" The man says :"No , We dont".

That keeps going for 2 or 3 weeks until the man thought to himself:"You know , Why dont i make onion flavoured Ice cream for the little guy?" and he stood up all night to make it great . The boy comes the next day , "Welcome" says the shop keeper, The boy says the usual lines :"Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream?" the man excitingly says : "Yes we do" the boy then says : "Wow you guys must be retarded , Who would buy that shit"

My wife is a sex object

I ask for sex, she objects

On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers

What's worse than beating a dead horse?

Shooting a live gorilla

My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

What’s the difference between Trump and a stripper?

Strippers climb polls.

My 3 year old just got me with this one...

3 yo: Can I please have a mystery?
Me: What is that?
3 yo: I don't know, it's a mystery (laughs hysterically)

I feel sorry for Justin Bieber.

He's had to go to every Justin Bieber concert.

The New Priest Drinks Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.

When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."

The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Bill Murray feels the love as he receives Mark Twain Prize | Chicago Sun-Times

Bill Murray feels the love as he receives Mark Twain Prize | Chicago Sun-Times
It never seemed a sure thing that Bill Murray would show up Sunday to accept the most prestigious award in comedy.

October 24, 2016 at 12:18PM
via Digg

My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

How to avoid clickbait

Not like this

My wife said that our son feels neglected.

I didn't even know we had a son.

"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you behind and never comes back.

Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 10, 2016

Read this one online a while back

An engineer dies and goes to hell. At first, he's reluctant to come to terms with where he is.

The devil sees him, and says" Cheer up, hell isn't so bad. I'll prove it, you can have the best room in the house."

The engineer happily accepts and is led to something that looks like it was built in a third world country. The devil leaves the disappointed engineer there for a while, and leaves that part of hell.

When he returns, he is astonished to find that the engineer has built a plumbing system, transportation infrastructure, and many other parts of the modern era. Hell starts to not be so bad.

God notices this, and he says, "Lucifer, how did you get an engineer, those are supposed to go to heaven?"

Lucifer says," I guess my demons made it to him before your angels did."

God: " Well it doesn't matter, send him up here or I'll sue you."

Lucifer: " Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

The Mystery of the Pink Ping Pong Balls.

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, "Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?"
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, "Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball."
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, "If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," replied the son, "I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, "If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," said the son to this, "I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls."
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. "A carton of pink ping pong balls?"
"A carton of pink ping pong balls," the boy confirmed.
"I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls," said the father, "but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have." And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
"Dear son," said the father, "I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?"
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. "Please humour me, dear father."
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday. "Dearest father," the son started, "I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls." One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory. The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
"Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible." It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country. The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
"Father," the son said, "You've made me very happy yet again." That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. "My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?"
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. "Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father held his son's hand tightly. "Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls."
"Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls."
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
"Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls."
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
"Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls," the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
"I-" the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
"I- I-"
Then he died.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.

Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?' Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.' Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'

What do you call a snobbish criminal falling down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Craig, did the police come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Sure did, Eric. Thanks!” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President?

She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening...

... stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

Hot To Get The Most Of Your Day By Separating It Into 100 10-Minute Blocks

Hot To Get The Most Of Your Day By Separating It Into 100 10-Minute Blocks
Most people sleep about seven or eight hours a night. That leaves 16 or 17 hours awake each day. Or about 1,000 minutes. Let’s think about those 1,000 minutes as 100 10-minute blocks. That’s what you wake up with every day.

October 23, 2016 at 11:32PM
via Digg

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

I was in bed with my new girlfriend and she said I had the biggest...

penis she'd ever laid her hands on. I said you're pulling my leg.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me.

I am No longer A Virgin

Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down.

After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you."

Everyone gets silent and they all listen.

"I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.

A long silence, and Mr Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly, "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up!"

Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Mr Pauly, "And you! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house - do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?"

Then Pauly charges back in, "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other - you think that's a good example too?"

And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen?

And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing, "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year

I just passed by Canadian citizenship test!

I got an eh +

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees

that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 10, 2016

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?


My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... I bought her a bathroom scale.

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

My boss told me to have a good day..

So I went home.

Dressed as a Premature Ejaculation

A man enters a costume party wearing only blue jeans; no shirt or shoes. The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

The man says, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

"How in God's name are you dressed as that?!"

"Because I just came in my pants."

Did you hear about the shipment of Viagra that was stolen?

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda. But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :

For I did not speak of my own Accord.

How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial?

He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity...

Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

9 months

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

The most expensive sneakers on the market, and the rise of Hank Scorpio.

The most expensive sneakers on the market, and the rise of Hank Scorpio.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

October 22, 2016 at 07:22PM
via Digg

What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese

Ding Dong

Two kids talking.

One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'? The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."

I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful mum"

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence "A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE SEVEN C's"

I was invited to a party...

'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.


A shy young man who on his 25th birthday confides to his best friends hes never been laid. They all have a laugh and poke fun, one chap asks "not even a 69", the shy young man just looks back puzzled, with that its decided they're pitching in and taking him to the whore house to get a "69". When they arrive, with nervous laughter they ask the Madame to see the girls and select an older one who promises to be gentle and show him the ropes. They go back to the room and the young man is asked to disrobe and lay down on the bed, the prostitute then proceeds to straddle his face and give him a blowy, about 5 minutes in she lets out a big juicy fart, the young man being shy doesn't say anything and proceeds to munch her box, then a minute later she lets another rip, this time its like someone peeled an onion in his mouth so he jumps up and says, "Mam keep the money there's no fucking way I can handle 67 more of those."

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

An Arab boy moves to Ireland

... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?"

"My name is Mohammed" the boy replies.

"You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher.

The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.

After school the boy returns home and is greeted by his mother.

"How was your first day at school, Mohammed?" his mother asks.

"I live in Ireland now, my new name is Mike!" The boy replies.

His mother becomes infuriated, "Have you forgotten where you came from? Your heritage? You have disgraced your ancestors!"

and his mother beat him and when his father comes home from work he does the same.

The next day the boy returns to school and his teacher sees his fresh bruises.

"Mike! What happened?" asked the teacher.

The boy replies with a grimace "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman I was jumped by two fucking Arabs!"

My computer just said hello to me.

I think it's A Dell.

Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 10, 2016

A teacher was called in by the police for accusations of child molestation

"What is your name sir?"

"Mark Stephens"

"How old are you?"

"37 years old"

"And what do you do for a living?"

"I teach school chilren"

"Come again?"

"I teach school chilren"

"Do you mean children?"


"You said chilren, you forgot the D"

"Oh no, I put the D in children later"

I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

There are two types of people

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

They say love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

...but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Blonde Watches The Game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children

The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

[NSFW] Johnny is in sex-ed class...

...and the teacher draws a diagram of a penis on the board. She turns and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" Johnny's hand shoots up and he says, "Yeah, I know! My dad has two of them!" The teacher gives Johnny a quizzical look and asks, "Are you sure?" "Yep," Johnny says with confidence. "He uses the little one to pee, and he uses the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth!"

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia

What does Melania call it when Donald takes Viagra?

A rigged erection.

Welcome to McMansion Hell

Welcome to McMansion Hell
If you haven't been following Tumblr blog "Welcome to McMansion Hell," an architecture critic's blog devoted to (hilariously) explaining the faults of McMansion design, here's a taste.

October 21, 2016 at 07:42PM
via Digg

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

A mother is helping her son study for a test

She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."

The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

A frog walks into a bank.

The frog hops up on the counter of the nearest available teller and says "I want a loan."

Confused, the teller asks for the frog's name.

"My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Rolling Stone's legend Mick Jagger, and I want a loan" he says. "And what is YOUR name?"

"My name is Patricia. Patricia Whack" replied the teller. "I'm afraid we don't normally give loans to frogs, sir"

"Look" said the frog. "I'm Kermit T. Jagger. My father is Rolling Stones legend Mick Jagger. I want a goddamn loan. Understand me? Here. I even brought collateral."

After a bit of dry heaving, flying out of the frog's mouth comes a tiny ceramic figurine.

Stunned, and unsure as to what to do, the tellers picks up the slimy statue and makes her way to the bank manager's office.

"Sir, I have a...frog at my counter. He says he's Kermit T. Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and he wants a loan. He even gave me some 'collateral' in the form of this little...thing?"

The bank manager smiles.

"Relax" he says. "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 10, 2016

I have a horse named mayo...

Mayo neighs.

Which horse runs the city?

The mare, of course

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

Donald Trump visits an elementary school...

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

What' is a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if there might be something inside the smooth shell, so he takes it in both hands and pulls with all his might...

Suddenly there is a blinding flash and a deafening explosion. Pain floods the man's body as he looks around and sees that both of his arms have been flung at least 10 feet away. Everything turns to black as he hears shouts of alarm in the distance.

The man wakes up in a hospital 3 days later. Doctors tell him that they were unable to reattach his arms, and he needs to get accustomed to the idea of a life without those limbs. The man curses himself for forgetting one small, ever so important fact that day...

In Soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.

How do introverts feel within society?


I'm so proud of my son

I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is. He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.

Old Russian joke: One day the bear escaped from the zoo

One day the bear escaped from the zoo and climbed a tree in a residential area. Same day lonely old lady came out in the morning for milk, saw the bear and called the zoo. Half an hour later a rusty old van drove to her house. Hefty bearded man with a shotgun got out of the van followed by little white dog. A man approached the old lady and asked: - Where is the bear, which you told us? The old woman pointed on a tree. The man replied: - Clear. So, here, hold the shotgun. Now I climb a tree and start to shake it. When the bear falls, Milky (man pointed on the dog) grab him by the balls and lead him to the zoo. That is a proven approach. We have done it 1000 times already. Confused old lady said: - Clear... But why did you give me a shotgun? The man replies, slightly lowering his voice: - Usually, everything goes well. BUT, if if i fall from a tree instead of a bear - SHOOT THE MILKY!

I'm also russian so sorry for my language.

Proof Russia Was Behind the DNC Email Hack

Proof Russia Was Behind the DNC Email Hack
The DNC hack was merely a prelude to what many security researchers see as a still more audacious feat: the hacking of America's most secretive intelligence agency, the NSA.

October 20, 2016 at 10:31PM
via Digg

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."

They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get an air conditioner"

"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"

"Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?"

"Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank"

"Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."

So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.

Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"

Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'"

When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger.

The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?"

The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

A guy has a crush on a girl...

The only problem he has is every time he sees her he gets a raging boner. After some great effort he manages to finally sit down near her during a party and strike up a conversation. They hit it off and he asks her to see a movie with him the next day. Fearing he will not be able to control embarrassing himself he decides to strap his penis to his leg. The next day he arrives at her door early and rings the bell. The girl answers the door in her underwear and he kicked her in the face.

I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs

You'll find me in my lab

Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 10, 2016

A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped

The Police still have no lead.

My girlfriend is like √-100.

She's a 10 but she is also imaginary

What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

I can't get over how cruel some people are.

I had some Nickelback tickets on the passenger seat of my car, and I popped into the shop for just five minutes.

When I came back, someone had smashed the window and left two more.

I don't watch Soccer...

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to the bar.

How did German men pick up Jewish women in the 1940s?

With a dustpan and broom.

A man boarded an Airplane

and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

My mom just took away my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about it.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

My parents asked me if I wanted to watch Dumb and Dumber with them tonight..

When I went downstairs the debate was on.

A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff...

Baah Dum Tssssss

What flavor gum does the President prefer?


Ill walk myself to the nearest border

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

Scientists Accidentally Discover Efficient Process to Turn CO2 Into Ethanol

Scientists Accidentally Discover Efficient Process to Turn CO2 Into Ethanol
The process is cheap, efficient, and scalable, meaning it could soon be used to remove large amounts of CO2 from the atmosphere.

October 20, 2016 at 01:09AM
via Digg

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...

And that's just for the alcohol.

I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalk

For keeping me off the street.

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"


just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 10, 2016

Xbox One down! PS4 Down! Get an ambulance!

Wii U! Wii U! Wii U!

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

What has 400 legs and 23 teeth?

The front row of a Trump rally

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.

"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down 1 tree over the space of an hour!"

The shopkeeper takes the chainsaw and turns it on only for the lumberjack to suddenly jump in surprise.

"What's that noise?"

They say that dog is mans best friend ...

... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet

I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.

"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue; How I thrill to make sweet love to you.' Then I get a quicky and my day is gold. You should try it"

The next day, the man sees the security guard is covered in bruises with one eye swelled shut. "What the hell happened to you?"

The guard responds, "I took your advice! I rubbed my wife on the shoulder, told her a poem, and she beat the holy hell out of me!"

"What did you tell her?"

"Nappy head, nappy head, green eyes like a frog; If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd fuck you like a dog."

Forget the Election: Why Hillary Clinton May Be the Most Hated President of All Time

Forget the Election: Why Hillary Clinton May Be the Most Hated President of All Time
Hacked e-mails released by Wikileaks reveal the Clintons are exactly what their nemeses feared.

October 18, 2016 at 07:54AM
via Digg

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"

"But what happened to your other ear?"

"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

Why have sumo wrestlers began shaving their legs?

They were getting tired of being mistaken as feminists

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site...

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?


Try Weekly


Try Weakly

What's the difference between a seal and sea lion?

One electron

My first original joke.

There's this family, and one day they had found the perfect place to build their new home. After years had past by, their house had just finished construction. It was everything they ever wanted, it was PERFECT. However when they entered their new home, they all fell right through to the basement. Why?

The house was flawless.

Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....

cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

I think my coworkers are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass"

There was an old lady at a ATM today, she asked me if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 10, 2016

The Pope dies.

...and stands in front of St. Peter.
"I would like to get into heaven. I am the pope."
"The what?"
"The pope. Vicar of God on earth."
"Ehm... let me check that. I'll be back."

Pete to God:

"There is a guy outside, calls himself the pope."
"The pope?"
"Yeah, he says he is your Vicar on earth."
"Hmmm. Never heard of him. Let's ask Jesus."

"Son, do you know anything about a pope? He is standing in front of the gates and wishes to enter."
"No idea... but I will talk to him."

A few minutes later Jesus returns, shaking with laughter:
"Apparently this club of fishermen I founded 2000 years ago still exists."

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed...

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...