Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Funny Video

Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)

Funny Picture

Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)

Funny Game

Play game and comfortable :)

Funny Funny

Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.

Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 3, 2017

My town never changes population.

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

Someone said my clothes were gay

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.

A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...

"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.

The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.

"This must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.

"Ahhh I see" says the priest, "this must have been the point where you swore." "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole."

The priest pauses for a few seconds.

"You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

How Clown Pants Saved My Life


How Clown Pants Saved My Life
When his year went to hell, Zach Baron started to wear weird clothes and wonder: Can you fix yourself on the inside by changing what you wear on the outside?

March 30, 2017 at 11:14PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2nzKI6o

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little cunt!"

A guy walks into a bar and notices a jar of money on the bar.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"

I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I'm joking...

...but it's Trudeau

I'm with the government when it comes to solving our countries problems.

I haven't got a fucking clue either.

Construction Worker Joke

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!

Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 3, 2017

A muslim walks into a gay bar

The bartender ask what he'll be having. The Muslim replies, shots for everybody.

Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa repeatedly kept shouting 'Oh my God, I’m coming!'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Whats the internal temperature of a taun taun?

Luke warm

My girlfriend's parents are very religious

The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

A Funny Joke

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

Jesus' life told by the bible

  1. baby
  2. ???
  3. prophet

An old women goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"

"You see, I constantly fart, but there is no sound and no smell so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your office"

"I see" says the doctors and proceeds to prescribe her some pills. "Take these three times a day and come back for a checkup in a week".

A week later the women storms into the doctors office. "Doctor what have you done! ever since taking those pills my farts have become unbearably stinky, you've made it worse!"

The doctor calmly says "right, now that we've cured your sinuses, lets start working on your hearing"

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

My mom got mad at me the other day for tickling my little brothers foot.

Something about "waiting until he's born" whatever that means.

I have sex almost everyday

Almost Monday Almost Tuesday Almost Wednesday Almost Thursday Almost Friday Almost Saturday Almost Sunday

[NSFW] Your momma so ugly

when she was giving blowjobs, everyone though it was anal.

A drunk walks into two priests

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, I'm Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, you're not. The drunk turns to the other priest. I'm Jesus Christ. The second priest replies, No, son, you're not. So the drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, you're here again?

What is atheism?

A non-prophet organization.

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses

Automation is set to hit workers in developing countries hard


Automation is set to hit workers in developing countries hard
The Fourth Industrial Revolution could bring mass global unemployment.

March 29, 2017 at 09:32PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2o71oF1

So this panda is driving down a road,

And he sees a prostitute standing on the corner, he thinks ' cor im gonna have some of that' and he stops to pick her up. 'Fancy a good time hun?' 'well i would, but im a panda and i dont have a house' 'i know a place' so he lets her in and they drive off. They get back to hers and make their way upstairs. The panda takes off her clothes and she nibbles his ear, leading to a few hours of furious sex. As they are both cooling down the prostitute says 'well that was interesting, but if you could pay now then i would like that' 'Pay?' says the panda startled 'yeah, you do know what a prostitute is? Look it up in this dictionary' so the panda looks down and reads the definition. -prostitute-a person, in particular a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment. The panda looks at her and says 'Well im a Panda' 'So?!?' 'Look it up in the dictionary' She looks down and reads.. -Panda- Eats shoots and leaves.

Why did the African 3 year old cry?

He was having a mid life crisis

Many people are shocked...

...when they find out I'm a horrible electrician.

I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar

Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."

The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 3, 2017

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work." The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.

What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

Please enter your new password

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password

ME: beef

WEBSITE: Sorry. Your password is not stroganoff

credit goes to my girlfriend

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

An easy question to Albert Einstein!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

Two men are on a boat. They have three cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says. "£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

Poignant, Playful Photos of the Stray Dogs of India


Poignant, Playful Photos of the Stray Dogs of India
Mumbai photographer Neenad Joseph Arul used to be shy about approaching people, so instead he turned to the dogs in his neighborhood.

March 28, 2017 at 06:37PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2ob2xsp

What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can't run.

My Girlfriend is sad that her dog died, so I went out and got her an identical dog

and she said "What the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

$10,000/bullet Assassin

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."

Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims because they went through 104 stories in 7 seconds

What do sex and pizza have in common?

It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.

Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 3, 2017

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I dont care if she has either.

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and a house.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....

If it floats: boy ant.

I could never cheat in a relationship

That would require 2 people to find me attractive

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity. He asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a blow job?” So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.....

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

The German dream

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

Is that you Hans?

During World War 1, the British were under heavy sniper fire in the trenches, making advancing through territory very difficult without taking many casualties.

So, the British soldiers discussed how to take out the sniper: "How do we make that darn sniper come out of his nest?" Said one. "I have an idea! Maybe we could call out a very common German name and get him to stick his head out!"

Since Hans is a very common German name, they decide to call it out.

"Hans? Haaaaaannsss?"

"Ya?"

Bang! The sniper was shot dead.

The British soldiers advance rapidly, using their technique to effectively take over the previously sniper infested area.

The Germans quickly figured out their trick and attempted to copy it with a British name.

"Hmmm Wat is a common British name?"

"How about Paddy? Like Paddington"

"Oh Ja Ja! Good name!"

So, the Germans started calling out the name:

"Padyy! Paddyyyy!!!!"

Dead silence

"Paddyyyy!"

Suddenly, someone answered​:

"Ummmm... Paddy isn't here... But is that you Hans?"

"Ja!"

BANG

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don't bother calling it, it won't come

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

Losing my virginity was much like learning how to ride a bike.

My dad had a firm grip on both my shoulders.

*Creating password*

"SMTWTFS_SMTWTFS"

ERROR: [Password two week]

Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 3, 2017

Using Tinder when you're horny is like going food shopping when you're hungry.

Both lead to unintended obesity.

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

A man and woman had been married for 30 years.....

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"

He said, "Explain the kids!"

At first I didn't want a head transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him..

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"

Cannibals

There was an Italian, a Brit and an American who all got stuck on an island. When searching this island they ran into a local native population who happened to be cannibals. The cannibals captured them and said "here's how it goes. We're going to kill you, skin you and eat you. Then dry your hides and turn them into canoes. If you want to die in honor for your country you may choose your way of death and execute yourself." The Italian took a knife and yelled "Viva l'Italia" then slit his throat. The Brit took a knife and yelled "God save the queen" then slit his throat. The American asked for a fork. The cannibals were puzzled but brought him one. He then took the fork and started stabbing himself as he yelled "fuck your canoes"

A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."

"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.

The man turns and starts walking away.

"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"

"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,“You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”

Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?

The steaks would be too high.

I took a kleptomania exam.

It wasn't mine, but I took it anyway.

During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering:"

Two Lost Mr. Rogers Episodes Mysteriously ResurfaceAnd Might Be a Message to Trump


Two Lost Mr. Rogers Episodes Mysteriously ResurfaceAnd Might Be a Message to Trump
After Trump's budget called for ending public arts funding and hiking military spending, Cold War-era episodes about stripping public arts funding went live on YouTube.

March 26, 2017 at 07:36PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2np90BA

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons.

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said:

"I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her,

"What went wrong?"

The blonde said: "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

Why do Canadians always do it doggy-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.

Poof once more – and he’s 90.

In Russia you watch tv

In America tv watches you.

What do iPhones eat for breakfast?

Siri-al

(My 7 year old's joke)

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get

My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...

It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

What dinosaur has the best teeth?

A flossiraptor.

Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 3, 2017

My best friend is a very chill guy

He's 0K

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

A man comes home to find his girlfriend sobbing.

His girlfriend is packing all of her things and crying hysterically. Boyfriend: "What's wrong babe? Am I a bad boyfriend to you?" Girlfriend: "No." BF: "Have I been unfaithful?" GF: "No it's not that." BF: "And I've never so much raised my voice at you, much less hit you!" GF: "I know - it's not that either." BF: "Well what is it then?" GF: "I read an article today, and it made me think. Looking back now, it seems like...like you fit the profile. I think you're a pedophile!" BF: "Wow..........That's a really big word for an 8 year old."

Cigarettes are just like squirrels.

They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

All the organs were deciding who should be the boss....

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.

What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

Why is leather armor the best for being stealthy?

It's made of hide.

Why do French tanks have a rear-view mirror?

So that they can see the battlefield

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead. At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

Canadians Adopted Refugee Families for a Year — Then Came ‘Month 13’


Canadians Adopted Refugee Families for a Year — Then Came ‘Month 13’
Everyday Canadians spent a year embracing Syrians in the world’s most personal resettlement program. Letting them go might be the biggest test yet.

March 26, 2017 at 12:09AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2nhMucn

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up

Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

Two hillbillies are eating at a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?

""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor.

I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.

"I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison."

As of today, I'm finally not a 25 year old virgin anymore.

I'm a 26 year old one.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Why does the penis have a knob at the end?

This question has bothered mankind for hundreds of years. Finally an American University commissioned a $100,000 study and after many months of research concluded that its purpose was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The conclusions were not universally accepted and the French Government funded a $3,000,000 multi year study that concluded that its purpose was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

An Australian examined these two experiments and decided to do his own investigation. He spent $20 on a six pack of beer and after 15 minutes concluded both the American and French studies were wrong. The purpose of the knob at the end of the penis is to stop your hand sliding off when having a wank.

If I had a crystal ball...

I'd sit down really carefully...

Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 3, 2017

Meeting with the boss

BOSS: Know why I called you in here?

ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic

BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?

Dark humor: Explained

Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It never gets old

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver..

Edit: Thank you for the gold u/H4hack !

I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996.

A jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while...

Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd..."

My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Why do gay dudes always check out of their hotel on time?

Because they had their shit packed the night before. ..

Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

Here's a FedEx joke

Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

So I started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction.

Was a total flop, nobody came.

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 3, 2017

If a deaf person goes to court

Is it still a hearing?

Call it a hunch...

But I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."

The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."

The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."

"The old way?"

"Yes. We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts and the first guy who can't take it anymore loses. The winner gets the deer."

The hunter thinks about this and he says, "Ok, let's do it."

The farmer says, "Ok, let me go first." He takes a big wind up and just nails the hunter right in the nuts with his big dirty farmer boots.

The hunter doubles over in pain, huffing and puffing for a few minutes. He finally gets up, still panting and says, "Ok Ok...I'm still in...my turn."

The farmer says, "Nah, you can keep the deer."

"Sweetheart, I'm pregnant.", "High pregnant, I'm dad!"

"Actually, you're not."

When Anne has a will...

Anne Hathaway

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.

"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."

So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes running up behind them, about 20 miles per hour, and dives into the hole.

A farmer comes along and asks the hunters if they've seen a goat. One responds "We're so sorry, we saw your goat run up behind us and he dove into this hole."

The farmer responds "That's impossible, I had him chained to an anvil."

Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

Told my girlfriend I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck this early in the morning!

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophey!

3 blondes walk into a police station...

And we're looking for jobs as detectives.

They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a side mug shot, so you will only see one eye."

He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says, "He's only got one ear." The police chief again responds, "No, this is a side mug shot, so you will only see one ear."

He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"

The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."

Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 3, 2017

Interesting facts about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from subway.

The last four letters in "queue" are not silent

They're just waiting their turn

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries

You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

I browsed /r/jokes yesterday

Well I actually browsed it 5 years ago, but it's basically the same.

Davinath the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM.

On the dot.

Women are like hurricanes.

They come into your life wet and wild and then leave wiTH THE FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SUSAN YOU BITCH

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.

When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic

Cook: In that case Sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself."

My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I threw a surprise bukkake party for a girl friend of mine.

Everybody came. You should have seen her face.

Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 3, 2017

Why did the stoner put laxatives in the weedbrownies?

For shits and giggles.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it."

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales. With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.

"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."

15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it

I saw it with my own eyes

I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. It's so complex. I'm afraid his problems will start to multiply exponentially, and he just doesn't understand the root of it all. Pretty soon he won't be able to integrate at all. And just to add to the trouble, those he defines as 'friends' just want to divide his space between themselves. I'm afraid soon he'll go off into the Great Unknown...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?"

"I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief.

"You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Ishmael. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?"

"Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.

"And my grandchildren? Ezekial, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Bartholomew?"

"We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison.

"So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Ishmael.

"Yes, of course, dear," soothes Elena.

"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up.. Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!! So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

The secretary thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 3, 2017

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “arguments” and confrontations.

One day, Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.” Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

Mr Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?”

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.”

Mr Peters, smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”

Mr Peters, by this time, was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

[NSFW]A guy walks into the restroom at a bar...

A guy walks into the restroom at a bar and sees a midget at one of the urinals. He walks over to the other one and starts to take a leak. Out of curiosity, he looks to the side and sees the midget has the biggest dick he's ever seen. After a couple moments of shock, he says, "Hey, uh... I'm not gay or anything, but I couldn't help but notice, well, uh... How'd a little guy like you end with such a huge cock?" The midget answers in an Irish accent, "It's because I'm a leprechaun. I wished it upon meself." "Well, would you be able to give me one, too?" asks the guy. "Sure!" says the leprechaun. "But, it will cost you." "How much?" asks the guy. "I'm a leprechaun with a pot of gold... What would I need your money for? No, you have to let me shag you up the ass!" The guy thinks about it for a few moments. "Well, for a dick that big, I could take it once, I guess." The leprechaun has the guy drop his pants and get down on all fours. He comes up behind him, slowly pushes it in, and starts to pump. "So, what's your name?" he asks the guy. "B-B-B-Bob!" he stammers. "And... How old are ya, Bobby?" "Twenty-seven!" "Now, ain't that a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

A blonde and a redhead

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

A nurse finds a thermometer in her front pocket...

and thinks to herself, some asshole has my pen

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

Because they're always taking things literally.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet...

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

Why is it that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he is a player...

But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys i'm not one of them?

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes

Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.

IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.

NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Choose a new password :

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay

I'm worried I'm secretly a giant spider.

"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

Meet The Man Whose Site Mark Zuckerberg Reads Every Day


Meet The Man Whose Site Mark Zuckerberg Reads Every Day
For the last decade, Gabe Rivera has been quietly shaping the tech industry’s story for its top executives, investors, and journalists. But is the editor behind Silicon Valley’s Drudge Report ready to reckon with his influence?

March 20, 2017 at 10:04PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2nsgmoO

I went to the doctor the other day

He said that I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".

He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.

The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"

The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"

Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

I took a girl home from the club last night

as we got inside the house i said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we"

I locked the door and said, "No, i'm going to cut off your feet."

Who's the biggest whore in history?

Ms. Pac-Man — because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 3, 2017

My dentist asked me the last time I flossed

I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored.

How does Bruce Jenner like his penis?

[removed]

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

I once met a girl with 12 breasts

Sounds weird dozen tit

Men do not jerk off because it is easy,

but because it is hard.

What's the best thing about duct tape?

...it turns "no no no" into "mmm mmm mmm"

How do you know when you've got a high sperm count?

When she has to chew before she swallows.

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

I was banned from r/anarchism

For breaking the subreddit rules...

Chocolate is bad

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were a lot of knights.

Meet the Artist Using Ritual Magic to Trap Self-Driving Cars


Meet the Artist Using Ritual Magic to Trap Self-Driving Cars
Well, it's actually science, but for James Bridle science and magic aren't that distinct.

March 20, 2017 at 12:40AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2mXLTwi

What do you call a robot whose sole purpose is to have one-night stands?

Nuts and bolts

I strip wire for a living

It's not a glamorous job, but at least I can make ends meet

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer...

..I saw it through my telescope last night.

Why Doesn't American English Use a "U" in Words Like Color and Flavor (Colour and Flavour)?

Because fuck U, that's why.

What Size Underwear Do Feminists Wear?

Double Standard.

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:

The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...

So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:

Jesus! What did you tell them?

Just as you said boss!

"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"

Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 3, 2017

A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

TIL that when the female clown fish dies, the male will change its gender and then reproduce with its offspring to keep passing on it's genetic material...

I guess that's why Nemo's dad wanted to find him so badly...

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

Why does Piglet smell so bad?

Because he plays with Pooh

The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

The leaders of Russia, Australia and the US all go to Hell

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what it's is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Vladimir Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.

Malcolm Turnbull calls Australia and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.

Finally Donald Trump gets his turn and talks for 3 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Trump just smiles.

Turnbull and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Trump got to call the US for only 25 cents?

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Trump took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call."

I was offered sex from a 21 year old girl today

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

You know he's guilty.

Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank

Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

Everyone hates millennials.


Everyone hates millennials.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

March 18, 2017 at 07:34PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2n0axhv

Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that actually listens to you!"

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"

Sorry about your Dad, though

One man's trash is another Man's treasure

Is not the way to tell your son he is adopted.

A hitman was being questioned by the police...

"Do I understand this clearly", asked the officer in charge of the questioning, "You only took contracts from celebrities?".

"Yes, that is correct" answered the hitman.

"Why would you do that? Your records say you were building a career and seemed to have everything in order, but then you just threw it all away and became a hitman" said the officer.

"Well, you see, I didn't really want to" said the hitman.

"You didn't want to?" asked the officer, getting irritated. "Is that how you're going to defend yourself in court?!"

"Well it was my dad who wanted me to become a hitman. He said so on his dying bed. I loved my dad dearly, so I couldn't refuse, even tough I didn't actually want to become a hitman."

"Your dad told you to?!" asked the officer, clenching his fist. "What did he say exactly? Word by word."

"He said, holding my hand and almost crying, 'Son, shoot for the stars.'"

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 3, 2017

People thought I was crazy when I said that Emma Watson was cute and totally bangable

That was 15 years ago, and now look at everyone jumping on the bandwagon. You people make me sick

Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her stuff and left.

After a long day I like to lay down in my bed, look up at the stars, and think to myself..

Where the hell did my roof go?

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

The bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.

For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.

And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

RIP Starbucks

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming.

"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.

"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling.

I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please." They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha.

Star Wars joke.

Han: Are we in the right path? Yoda: Offcourse, we are.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

I forgot how my boomerang worked so I just threw it

And then it hit me...

Breakups in China are the worst

You see her face everywhere.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."

"Where's your mother in law?"

  • "She's in the garden."

  • "Where? I can't see her."

  • "You have to dig a little."

Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 3, 2017

What is the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke?

The difference is always a parent

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games...

I stoped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

I have tourettes

But I live in Australia so none of these cunts have a fucking clue

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

I tried masturbating upside down last night ...

I don't know what came over me.

Dating a blonde

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words...

"Stop shaking the goddamn ladder you little shit!"

Oh grandpa.

A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5"

Jokes on her, I'm 4'11

Operation London Bridge: the secret plan for the days after the Queen’s death


Operation London Bridge: the secret plan for the days after the Queen’s death
She is venerated around the world. She has outlasted 12 US presidents. She stands for stability and order. But her kingdom is in turmoil, and her subjects are in denial that her reign will ever end. That’s why the palace has a plan.

March 16, 2017 at 07:12PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2nIt6UN

6.9 is the worst number ever.

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

An Engineer Decides He Wants To Make Some Easy Money.

He thinks to himself, and he decides he's going to set up a medical center in an abandoned corner store. After all, he's an intelligent man, how hard could it be? He puts a large sign on the front, promising to cure any illness for a five hundred dollars, and if he can't, the patient gets 1000 dollars.

A brain surgeon is walking past and sees the sign. Laughing to himself, he decides to make some easy money by faking an illness and pretending to not be cured.

He walks in, and tells the engineer: "I've got a problem. For some reason, my taste has disappeared." The engineer says: "Nurse, bring me bottle number 273!" And gives it to the surgeon to drink. The surgeon spits it out and exclaims: "Hey! This is pee!"

"You're cured!" Says the engineer. "$500 please!"

The next day, the surgeon goes back, wanting to make his money back. He says to the engineer: "For some reason, my memory is failing." The engineer says, "nurse, bring me bottle number 273!"

Of course, the surgeon says: "that's pee! I'm not drinking that!"

"You're cured! $500 please!"

Finally, the surgeon goes back one last time, determined to make his money back. He tells the engineer that he can't see a thing. The engineer says: "alright, I can't cure blindness. Here's your money." He hands the surgeon a twenty dollar bill.

"Hey! You said you'd give $1000!"

"You're cured! $500 please!"

Buying a horse

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Dave replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Dave said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Dave said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Dave said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Dave said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Dave said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

A Jew, Greek, Italian and an Asian all die in a car crash

They all go up to God to see if they will go to hell or to heaven. They have all sinned but they all beg for another chance but with 4 rules, 1 for each. The Italian must not go into a pizzeria, the Asian must not do any equations, the Jew must not pick up money and the Greek must not have anal sex. They agree to these guidelines and are all sent back to earth. One day the Italian really wants pizza and accidentally steps into a pizzeria, sending him straight to hell. The same day the Asian is getting paranoid if he does equations and calculates the probability of him going to hell and in doing so is sent straight to hell. Again, on the same day, the Jew is walking down the street when he sees a coin. He bends over and the Greek goes to hell.

A goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff...

ba dum tss

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her." The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train." The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 3, 2017

So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

What happened to the Muslim in America?

[Removed]

I was hooked on auctions after only going once ...

...going twice…

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas, and only ate 6 monkeys.

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says,

"Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

I did a suprise bukkake party for my wife...

Everybody came. You should have seen her face!

What do you call a short black person?

By their name you fucking racist

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

When I'm at a bar

I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"

Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.

I asked my friend from North Korea how life is

He said he can't complain.

Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?

Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.

Into the woods: how one man survived alone in the wilderness for 27 years


Into the woods: how one man survived alone in the wilderness for 27 years
At the age of 20, Christopher Knight parked his car on a remote trail in Maine and walked away with only the most basic supplies. He had no plan. His chief motivation was to avoid contact with people. This is his story.

March 15, 2017 at 11:08PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2mZVzIy

First blowjob!

A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

The director of EA walks into a bar

Download punchline for only $15 dollars!

The best engine in the world

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change.

It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

The best thing about Japanese porn

is they censor it so I can watch it with my family

A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.

One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.

"Well you see, I have a secret weapon. Behold, my red pigeon! When I release this pigeon, all the other pigeons will follow it far far away from your town."

The mayor, willing to try anything accepts the mans offer. The man then goes to the middle of the town and releases his red pigeon into the air. It begins to fly south and all the other pigeons follow it. The town was amazed. The mayor approached the man and with joy said, "thank you so much stranger! You have no idea how much you have helped our town. I only have one other question..."

"What's that?" The man says.

To which the mayor replied, "Do you have any red Mexicans?"

Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 3, 2017

Tom: I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years and he spends every evening at home.

Dick: That's what i call love.

Tom: The doctor called it paralysis.

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

What's a pirate's favourite...

What's a pirate's favourite architectural feature?

An arrrch.

What's a pirate's favourite place to play?

A parrrk.

What's a pirate's favourite thing to do to women?

Rape.

I never understood why society romanticises pirates.

My parrot died today...

It's last words were: “ fuck I think my parrot is about to die”

Rain is like the Vagina......

When it's wet, It's time to go inside.

Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?

I said "No man, that would just make us even."

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

What time is it?

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant...

But I've never met herbivore!

If this gets 500 upvotes will I taste my own cum.

You read that wrong. I written this wrong twice.

I asked Siri why I'm single

She opened the front camera

How I lost my teeth

I was in The Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt-ugly big old heifer (a woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. she said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number." I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do." I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing".

My dental surgery is this Friday.

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

Humans Made the Banana Perfect-But Soon, It’ll Be Gone


Humans Made the Banana Perfect-But Soon, It’ll Be Gone
It is hard to overestimate how unusual the situation of bananas in the middle of the last century was — unusual not just in the history of humanity but also in the history of life.

March 15, 2017 at 12:15AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2moyg8r

Today I got a girlfriend

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

I have a good joke about the ozone layer

[depleted]

Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

People think that just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, i should walk around carrying a big ol' boom box on my shoulder.

But I refuse to go with that stereotype.

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He decides that, because he has it, he might as well try his luck so he enters it in the horse race and, to his great surprise, it comes in second place.

The newspaper headline the next day read, "Preacher's ass shows."

The preacher was quite pleased with this turn of events, so he decided to enter the donkey in the race again and this time it won.

The newspaper headline the next day read, "Preacher's ass out front."

The bishop was rather unhappy that the church was getting this kind of publicity, so he commanded the preacher to get rid of the donkey.

The newspaper headline the next day read, "Bishop scratches preacher's ass."

After some careful thought, the preacher agreed to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun has best ass in town."

This was too much for the bishop. He commanded the nun to get rid of the donkey again. She sold it to a local farmer for the price of $10.

The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun sells ass for $10."

The bishop fainted. When he regained consciousness, he told the nun to buy the donkey back from the farmer and to then release it into the nearby fields.

The newspaper headline the next day read, "Nun announces ass is wild and free."

The bishop was buried the next day.

Thứ Ba, 14 tháng 3, 2017

These fucking Pi jokes today

are going to be endless.

I was walking through a cemetery this morning...

and saw a man crouched behind a gravestone. I said "morning!"

He replied "no mate just having a shit"

They say there is a person capable of murder in every friendship group,...

... i suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm

3.14% of all sailors are

Pi-rates! (Have a great pi-day)

A family walks into a hotel. The father walks up to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The desk clerk says, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

Why does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

What's a gay mole's favourite thing?

Molasses.

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s getting worse because she still insists I cheated. Her Malice and Wrath are overcoming my Logic and Reason.

I’m in self-preservation mode now and all I want to do is defend myself. She has me trapped in the corner and I’m looking around for something to use. I think I have nothing but I concentrate and look again. Boom!!! I hit her hard with a perfectly placed Backhand… right across a double word score and a triple word score and I beat her by 10 points in Words with Friends.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman...

...walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over his shoulder, and begins drinking. Then the Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it by its soaked little wings over his glass, and yells, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

Today, me and my wife had a .69

It would have been a hundred times better without the period.

Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.

This Article Won't Change Your Mind


This Article Won't Change Your Mind
The facts on why facts alone can't fight false beliefs.

March 13, 2017 at 09:52PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2mSbFUF

Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.

They're all fake

A day in the life of an IT guy...

Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.

IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?

Customer: Nothing.

IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?

Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...

IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?

Customer: Nope. The power's out.

Reddit is secretly run by cows, and I can prove it!

[remooved]

Thứ Hai, 13 tháng 3, 2017

I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back...

Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks surprised, "Well, if you 'chose' it, then you should be in the free will line."

So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line.

Again, after a few minutes, another angel asks him, "Why are you in this line?"

He sullenly replies, "Someone made me come here."

is my wife ashamed of my body?

a tiny part of me says yes.

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"

"Well I just ask them a couple of simple questions. By their response I can quickly determine whether someone is intelligent or not."

"Would you mind showing me how to do that?" Trump asks.

Angela picks up the phone and calls Wolfgang Schäuble, her Minister of Finance and asks: "it's the son of your father but it's not your brother. Who is it?" The Minister replies: "That's easy, it's obviously me!"

Totally impressed Trump returns to the oval office and calls up his Vice-president Michael Pence. "Mike I have a question for you. It's the son of your father but it's not your brother. Who is it?" Micheal stalls for a moment, not knowing the answer. He tells Trump that he will sleep over it.

In the morning he wakes up still without a solution. So he rings up Barack Obama and passes the riddle to him. Obama immediately respons: "Well that's me!"

Relieved Michael calls up Trump and exclaims: "I got the answer to your question...it's Barack Obama!!!"

After a moment of silence, Trump explodes: "No you idiot, it's Wolfgang Schäuble!!!"

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

I should've known my boyfriend was a communist.

There were plenty of red flags.

What is the gender-neutral term for "sugar daddy?"

Glucose guardian.

50 Bucks is 50 bucks!

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."

An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew about the attack! I tried my best to not talk but they started knocking out my teeth!"

The guard came back in and called for the Hungarian. "Come you, let's see what you know."

The Hungarian didn't come back for four hours and when he returned he had been beaten to a pulp. He told them, "I tried to hold out but they started breaking my ribs and I couldn't hold out any longer."

"Alright, now you," the guard called to the Italian.

The Italian didn't return for three days and he was barely alive when he got back. "Why didn't you just talk?" asked the German and the Hungarian.

"I tried to, I wanted to talk right away but they tied my hands!"

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

I know every single digit of pi!

I just don't have them in the right order.

Raped, beaten, exploited: the 21st-century slavery propping up Sicilian farming


Raped, beaten, exploited: the 21st-century slavery propping up Sicilian farming
Thousands of female Romanian farm workers are suffering horrendous abuse.

March 12, 2017 at 11:55PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2mfP2X6

A man was riding on his Harley...

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

And then God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: 'Why the long face?''

The horse, incapable of human speech, shits on the floor and leaves.

I wish I had Trump as a teacher.

Citations would be easy

"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

Chủ Nhật, 12 tháng 3, 2017

I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But I can stop whenever I want.

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."