The clerk exclaims, "No, it's just regular porn you sick fuck!"
Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 2, 2021
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.
He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.” "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”
Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn.”
The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.”
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!"
The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really bug him, you just watch.”
The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.”
Letters between a father and son
Dear son;
Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
Your loving father
----------------------------------------
Dear Dad:
Do not dig in the field. That is where I hide that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.
Your son
----------------------------------------
Dear son:
The cops came out and dug up my fields. They said they were looking for something. Thanks, son. It looks like I will get the crops planted.
Your loving and grateful father
A man talks to a cockroach...
A man says to a cockroach: "My penis is 10 times your body length."
Cockroach replies: "And yet I can make your wife scream 10 times louder than you can..."
Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 2, 2021
There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The 3rd one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being a man he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Two Italian men get on a bus
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year
when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.
Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 2, 2021
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”
“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”
“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”
A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.
-
Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.
-
No! - exclaims the boy.
The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.
-
What did you tell him?
-
I told him that if he didn't ate his broccoli, his dick wouldn't grow.
The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.
-
What was that for? - he asks, confused.
-
FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!
The Will
His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready, he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings and, as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, "Property? What property? The asshole has a paper route."
Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 2, 2021
Light bulb
Paddy and John are working on a building site. Paddy says to John, “I need a day off, I’m going to pretend I’ve gone mad!”
Paddy climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, “I’m a light bulb! I’m a light bulb!” While John looks on in amazement. The foreman shouts, “Paddy go home, you’ve gone mad!” As Paddy packs his kit, the foreman sees John packing his kit as well. Foreman says, “John where do you think you’re going?!” John says, “Well I’m not working in the friggen dark!”
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning. Said it gave him energy through the day.
When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 2, 2021
An exercise for people who are out of shape:
Begin with a 5kg potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10kg potato bags and stay there for a week or two. Then try 50kg potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
A drunk man
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"
He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.
"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."
"Sure, sounds great!"
The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he's just brokered. Half an hour later, there's another knock at the door. He opens it up and there's the blonde.
"You're finished already?" he asked her incredulously.
"Yeah! It isn't really that big! But I think you should know, that's not a porch. It's a Jaguar!"
An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven
Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.
The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."
Then St Peter turns to the Uber driver, and said, "For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake, and a Ferrari in a heated garage."
The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, "Why does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me, when I have devoted my whole life to the church and God?"
St Peter explained, "You see, during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half was just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver drives, everyone was praying!"
(Translated and modernized from an old joke in a different language)
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 2, 2021
Kegals aren't just for women!
It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.
(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)
(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free 😁)
She did what he said
The retiring mailman
The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.
He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.
Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave him an envelope with a card and/or a gift.
When he walked onto the porch of one house, the door opened and a young woman in a sheer nightgown invited him in.
She took his hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom where she undressed him and they had wild sex.
Afterwards she led him back downstairs to the dining room where there was a sumptuous lunch laid out.
As he was leaving, she handed him a five dollar bill.
“Why are you doing this for me?”, he asked.
“I’ve never even seen you look out the window when I was delivering your mail.”
“When I got your note, I wasn’t sure what I should do”, she replied.
“My husband is older than I and knows more about how things should be done so I asked him.
He said, “Fuck him, give him 5 bucks.”
The lunch was entirely my idea.”
A boy asked a beautiful girl in a library...
"Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!" All the people in the library started staring at the boy shooting daggers in his direction. The girl then whispered to the guy saying "I study psychology and I know what dirty men like you are thinking".
The guy responded with a loud voice "$300 for one night!? That's too much!!" and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty".
A priest is riding a cab
A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crack in the road and the driver yet again goes "For fuck's sake!". The priest cannot handle it no more so he goes: "Sir, why are you cussing every time? Instead of swearing, say "May the Lord have mercy" and all will be fine!".
They continue driving. For some unknown reason, the car starts drifting, the driver loses control of his car, get's its tire into a hatch in the ground so that this tire flies off in the distance, and the car itself is on the verge of turning over, so the driver shouts out: "Lord, have mercy!", and the car is immediately tipped back on, reversed back on the road, and the tire flies back into its position. The man goes: "Lord, thank you!", while the priest goes: "Jesus fucking Christ, that's new!".
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
“I don’t understand" the lawyer said puzzled. “There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
“Sir,” said St. Peter. “We’ve had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.”
A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.
As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.
"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."
"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"
"Well, he's a handsome man, a really nice guy, and apparently a wonderful lover. And to top it off," he says, leaning into a whisper, "I hear he's got a 10-inch cock!"
She giggles, blushing. "Sounds like quite the catch! Where can I find him?"
"He's just a block over. But fair warning...he's also a little...kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. So if I ever meet a woman with a flowery name, I send her his way."
He points at the rose. "Then, he sends me a flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose. A week ago, I recommended Violet to him," he says, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.
The woman thanks him and leaves, bitterly cursing her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist's shop. Stepping up to the counter, she pointedly inquires, "I heard you are particularly...skilled... in certain areas?"
He smirks. "So I have been told. And who might you be?"
Her heart skips a beat at his sexy accent. "I was referred by your friend down the street. Perhaps you can...assist me?"
"Perhaps," he says, "but tell me...what is your name?"
She hesitates. Then, pouting slightly, she replies "Kristen. But everyone calls me Kris."
His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops, knowing she's blown her chance.
"Well then...if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother."
"Of course," he sighs, turning towards his menagerie of bouquets behind glass. "What kind of flowers does...she...."
Suddenly, without another word, he locks the shop door, swoops upon her, and takes her into his arms.
Three hours of mind-altering orgasms later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss, as he presents a complimentary bouquet for her mother.
"And please," he says, "tell your sweet mama she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like."
Flustered with ecstasy, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything.
The next day, Kris feels incredible, and stops by the original florist's shop.
"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that dashing gentleman! He was AMAZING!"
He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him."
"Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?"
The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.
A man went to the doctor...
He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places."
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.
He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.
One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
"Put him on the phone," the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions."
Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 2, 2021
My crush told me that I'm pretty.
Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.
A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..
This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.
Her: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
Five years old and already a murderer because I died laughing.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, 'I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.' He turned around and said, 'So, you want me to stay?'
A man scores a hot date
Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.
Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.
Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.
His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, "could you do that again?"
The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my arse."
A kid went to his father and asked, "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl.”
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on. A couple of months later...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is it?" Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
"Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"
A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.
As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused. "Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"
The man responds "Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"
The doctor is flabbergasted and says "ok of course, pull your trousers down and I'll have a look"
As soon as the man's trousers drop the Doctor recoils and exclaims "Oh god! Pull your trousers up! That's awful!"
"You're right, the elephant has done a number on you, but I do have a question. My brother works in a zoo, and I've seen an elephants penis, and its like this"
The doctor holds his hands to the width of a side plate
"And your arsehole looks like..." He holds his hands to the width of a dinner plate "What happened?!"
The man responds, "I know. The bastard fingered me first"
Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 2, 2021
Mario goes to court
The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”
Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”
The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”
Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”
Free man
A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.
As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"
And the husband replies: "Well, my love, what are you going to do?"
"Oh, Roger ...! I spoke to the judge handling your case,"
"And what did he say, my love?"
"He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year ..."
"What !!! What a miserable bastard and what did you say to that son of a bitch? "
" Oh, Roger! We'll talk about it at home, pick up your stuff, let's go… !!! "
Jimmy had a foul mouthed talking parrot as a pet.
Whenever the parrot would see the woman who lived next door, the parrot would scream,"Fucking ho', fucking ho'."
One day, the woman came to Jimmy's house and complained to Jimmy about the parrot and asked him to mind his parrot.
Jimmy drowned the parrot in cold water till it came to senses. Jimmy threatened that if the parrot calls the woman a whore again, he would drown the parrot again.
The next day, Jimmy happily told the woman that he had taught the parrot a lesson and it would never call her names.
Wanting to make sure, the woman went and talked to the parrot.
"If I exit my house with a guy, what would you say?"
The parrot replied "I'll say that you are with your boyfriend."
The woman wanting to test the parrot more asked again,"What if I came out of my house with two guys?"
The parrot answered,"I'll say that's your boyfriend and brother."
The woman continued,"What if I came out with three guys?"
The parrot shouted,"Hey Jimmy, bring that cold water, this bitch is a fuckin ho'!"
Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.
Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.
One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"
"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"
"What you think our baby will look like."
He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.
"What the hell is this?" she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no wounds showing on his stick body. "I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!" she repeated.
"And I got a vasectomy five years ago," he said. "So I drew a blank."
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 2, 2021
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.
"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.
So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.
My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.
How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday.
He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.
"Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake."
"Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk."
The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.
The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.
The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,
"Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!"
The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
The daughter and one of her friends overheard this and the daughter repeated the monk's response to the friend.
"I know, I just heard him say that." her friend responded.
"Yes," the daughter said, "but repeating a joke on your cake day is the second best way to earn karma."
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."
The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says, "Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 2, 2021
Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”
She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
“Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!”
She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
My wife is madder at me than she has ever been.
She tripped and fell while carrying clothes she just ironed. I didn't move.
"What are you doing?!" She yelled at me.
"Watching it all unfold," I said.
Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.
We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.
George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"
"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.
"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"
Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he says. "Joe's doesn't have a solid gold toilet."
"It does so!" responds George. "I'll prove it to you. I'll take you to Joe's tomorrow and show you myself!"
The next day, George brings Ted to Joe's. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:
"HEY, YOU! AREN'T YOU THE D**KHEAD WHO TOOK A S**T IN MY TUBA LAST NIGHT?!"
Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?
The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge......
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge
Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)
Two beggars in London
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign. It reads:
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 2, 2021
A priest, a Vicar & a Rabbit go to give blood at the Red Cross.
The rabbit goes first & is asked by the nurse, what is your blood type and the rabbit said
“Im a type O”
Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.
Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?
The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.
Two friends are arguing...
"Look, I have a colony of ants!"
"Well, I have taller ants than you"
"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"
"Hah, I have an entire tin"
"I got bread!"
"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"
Kevin the town idiot.
A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"
He then hollers at the other guy
" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"
Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.
The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn't he know 20 is more than 5x1?
"Yes" replies Kevin. "But the day I pick the 20 he'll stop giving me money".
Penis Van Lesbian
Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.
Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.
The letter said,
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
A chicken goes into a library.
He goes up to the counter.
“Book book book!” He squawks.
Amused, the librarian grabs three random books from the return stack and gives them to the chicken who leaves with them.
The next day the chicken returns the three books and says “book book book” again. He gets his three books and leaves.
Once more the chicken brings them back and gets three more. This time the librarian follows the chicken, overcome with curiosity as to why a chicken would need so many books.
The chicken comes to a pond where a frog is waiting. The frog looks at each of the books his chicken friend has brought and assesses each one.
“Reddit, Reddit, Reddit.”
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
Little Johnny’s dad asked if Little Johnny wanted to play a game
Little Johnny asked “What game is it”?
His Dad replied saying “For the next hour, sit on the front porch, count how many blue cars drive by”.
And he sent little Johnny off to the front porch with a lollipop and promptly went to the bedroom.
“Dad! Bobby’s parents are having sex!” Shouted Little Johnny.
“How would you know that?” Shouted his dad from the bedroom.
“He’s sitting on his front porch with a lollipop, counting blue cars!” Little Johnny shouted back.
Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 2, 2021
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.
She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's left foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest. She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
"Hello. I'm sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated--"
"AH! You're Mary's daughter?" the man says, blocking the door slightly. "Yes, yes, she was a magnificent woman!"
"Yeah, well, in her dying wishes, it was noted that you requested photos of her right foot," she says, pulling out a photo packet. "These are the correct pictures. We sent you reversed photos of her left."
"Oh, excellent!" the man says, carefully taking the pictures. "Thank you so, so much. She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory--"
The woman puts her hand up. "What's that sound...?"
Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room. There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother's left foot...and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?!"
"Look," he says. "I think we got off on the wrong foot here."
A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.
The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"
"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.
Afterwards, the two men walk drunk out of the bar and run into two prostitutes, a blonde and a brunette. "Hey!" say the prostitutes. "Wanna have a good time?"
"I would!" says the sergeant. "Me too!" says the corporal.
"Are you sure about that?" the sergeant asks again. "Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant takes the blonde and the corporal takes the brunette.
"I must warn you," says the brunette, "I have the clap." Neither of the two soldiers know what "the clap" is, so the sergeant looks it up in his pocket dictionary. "It's safe," he tells the corporal.
A week later, the sergeant visits the corporal in the hospital. "Why did you tell me it was safe?" asks the corporal.
"The dictionary told me the clap only affects the privates," replies the sergeant, "and you are a corporal now."
Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"
Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"
"What do they do there?" asks Fred.
"They teach us to remember things through word association" replies Harold.
Fred says "I might have to give it a try, what's the name of the clinic?"
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember,
he says "Ummm, ahh, hang on... um... what's the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?"
Fred says "That'd be a rose, Harold.
Harold turns to his wife and says "Rose!, what's the name of that clinic I go to?"
Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 2, 2021
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Mary goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Mary tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his bloody widow..."
I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike
I yelled "COW!" at a woman in a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.
I tried!
Premature Ejaculation Problem
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
The life of a widow
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 2, 2021
Genius Kid
An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.
"Where are you going?" asks the old man
"To catch some ducks" says the kid
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
"Ok" says the kid and carries on his way. 2 hours later up the road comes the kid with a load of ducks wrapped up in the tape.
Next day same old man see kid with a roll of chicken wire
OM-"Where you off to today?"
Kid-"Going to catch some chickens"
OM-"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire"
Kid-"Ok"
Sure as bears shit in the woods a few hours later here comes the kid lugging a load of chickens caught in the wire.
Next day the old man sees the kid with some sort of plant.
OM-"What you got today?"
Kid-"A bunch of pussy willows"
OM-"Hold on till I get my coat"
A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives". "You idiot" said the pharmacist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives". "Of course you can" the assistant replied "Look at him... hes too afraid to cough now!!"
A Practical Decision
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."
The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.
The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.
“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.
The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”
The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked body.”
“Of course, I won't laugh.”, said the nurse to the patient. I am a professional. In over twenty years, I have never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then”, said the patient and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with a the smallest adult male organ , the nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the patient's private part, she composed herself, as well as she could.
“I am so sorry”, the nurse said. “I do not know what came over to me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It's swollen”, the patient replied.
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."
A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity
He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.
He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.
"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"
"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"
The missionary told him that Catholicism isn't as good as protestantism, and he should take the picture down, then left.
The missionary came back a week later and the picture had been replaced with a picture of his pastor.
"Why do you have a picture of my pastor there?"
"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"
The missionary explained that Jesus wasn't reincarnated, gave him a cross to put there instead, then left.
The missionary came back a week later and saw that the picture had been replaced with a Roman soldier.
"Why do you have a picture of a Roman soldier there?"
"I was confused about the cross, so I read about it. You never told me your god was defeated."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Chủ Nhật, 14 tháng 2, 2021
3 men standing in front of the gates of heaven
Peter says: "Sorry guys. We're closed." "But Peter.. We're dead. You have to let us in." Peter: "I'll make you a deal: If the story of how you died is awesome, I'll let you in."
So the first man begins to tell his story: "I am an attorney and I work every day from 6am to 8pm but THIS TIME I decided to go home an hour early because I don't trust my wife. I was thinking she's having sex with another man. So I drove home as fast as I could and ran to the elevator because our apartment is ON THE 7th FlOOR. When I entered our apartment I saw my wife laying on our bed NAKED. I KNEW IT. I searched and searched for that motherf*cker but I couldn't find him. I went on our balcony to have a smoke and suddenly I saw a man hanging on the railing. I took my shoe and hit him on the fingers, he fell, but the trees catched him so he survived. We have a little fridge on the balcony. So I took it and threw it after him. I caught my foot on the cable of the fridge so I flew right with it off the balcony. Now I'm here."
"Awesome story, bro. Come on in." says Peter
The second guy tells his story: "I work as a window cleaner and that day I was cleaning windows on the 8th floor of a high-rise building. While cleaning I fell down but was just able to hold onto the railing of a balcony ON THE 7TH FLOOR.... ...
Suddenly some Idiot hit me on my fingers with his shoes. I fell into the trees, I looked up - FRIDGE, DEAD. Now I'm here"
"Awesome story, bro. Come on in. And what's your story?" Peter asks the third man.
"Im not quite sure how to say this. I was sitting butt naked in that fridge-..."
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.
He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”
I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”
He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”
I said “ No, she’s an optician”
Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it
"Mum, today I saw my classmate's penis at school, it was like a peanut"
"Mum, today I saw my classmate's penis at school, it was like a peanut"
"Oh dear, was it that small?"
"No, it was too salty"
Silent H
One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...?????? My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????) During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!!! My English Teacher : What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container. I replied, "sir, I thought 'H' was silent.
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”
“Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud, lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
“Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"
"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"
I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"
"Yes"
"Okay, I fucked your sister."
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike
but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and shags her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mother horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mother..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mother, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her knickers, and screws her every way possible right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mother is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....
'OK I'll do the fucking dishes!
LEGO bricks are like boobs...
...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.
Thứ Bảy, 13 tháng 2, 2021
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.
He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car crash?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'
Three guys are drinking at a bar
After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and my in-laws."
"That's nothing," says one of the others. "The last time we got drunk I crashed my car - into a police cruiser! I still don't have my license back."
"You think that's bad?" says the last guy. "I was so drunk that I took my mistress back to my place and forgot my wife was home!"
Just then the first guy interrupts the other two. "Guys, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Thứ Sáu, 12 tháng 2, 2021
A man dies and goes to hell.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
I went to a restaurant and they asked me "Do you mind waiting a bit?"
"Not at all", I replied.
"Good", they said, while handing me some menus. "Take these to Table 11."
Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
Me: They're for the dogs.
Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Me: They don't know how.
The Hospital
A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.”
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...
Then all the other bells started to ring...
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... 'Are my test results back?"
A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.
When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."
The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then it starts itching and burning.
He goes to the doctor, who seems very confused. But after a few tests, he says, "I don't know quite how to explain it, but you seem to have toe syphilis."
The man says, "Well I'll bet that's about the strangest thing you've ever seen."
The doctor responds, "Oh, you'd be surprised. I mean, just the other day I had a woman in here with athlete's vagina."
Thứ Năm, 11 tháng 2, 2021
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin Mark, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"
The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."
The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue. As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."
The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 10,000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and drowned. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said "I told you that you would be back for the story." The man replied "The hell with the story, gimme a statue of a politician!"
A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....
He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.
He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!
He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he’s leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: ‘fluc you Americans too!!!’
A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.
Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"
"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.
The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a humming sound in the living and sees the daughter with her vibrator.
“What are you doing??“ he asks her. She gives him the same reply and the father leaves her to it.
Later in the evening, the mother hears the noise again and goes to see where its coming from. Her husband is sitting alongside the vibrator. She asks him what he's doing.
He replies, "What does it look like? I'm watching the game with my son in law."
A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...
The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you like you think. That wouldn't be proper'
The woman giggled & responded "well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, what are you doing then?"
He paused for a moment & said "well, Miss, I'm looking & I'm looking & I'm just trying to figure out where the hell you're keeping the money to pay for this ride"
A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.
A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time
The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes." Not wanting to ruin the mood the girlfriend pulled down his pants and revealed a severely discoloured pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles " the man replied. "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." Again, not wanting to ruin the mood, she continued and pulled down his boxers before starting to laugh. Before the man could ask what was wrong the woman wiped a tear from here eye and said, "Wait, let me guess.....Smallcox?"
"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use
because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.
A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.
The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believe this...my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back HE converted to Christianity too”! Both upset, they call their rabbi and explain what happened. The rabbi says, “you won’t believe this, my son Joshua moved away and when HE came back he told me he converted to Christianity too”! The rabbi suggests they call God and tell him. The rabbi tells God that all three men had sons who moved away and converted to Christianity and don’t know what to do. God says to them, “you won’t believe this...”
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,
she gets up and apologizes again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.
FNG 1: How was your first jump today?
FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.
FNG 1: Did you Jump???
FNG 2: A little, at first.
Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.
He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Well, I'd run down to the tracks and activate the manual lever," said Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Tom, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if the public phone was on fire?"
"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Is he in the fire department?"
"No. He's never seen a train crash."
Thứ Tư, 10 tháng 2, 2021
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Rolls Royce.
Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”
He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”
I once dated a girl who had a twin.
People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:
Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.
She went missing !
Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of bike is she riding?
Husband: She took my bike
OFFICER : What kind of bike was it?
Husband : A 2020, manufactured September 16th, pearl white custom built hardcore titanium sklar hardtail .with 64.5° HeadTube angle, and a reach of 490.. Shimano XTR m9100 drive train,12 speed ,10 -51 cassette, hope tech 3 E4 brakes with hope floating roaters, fox transfer factory dropper post with wolf-tooth lever, race Face atlas stem and the race Face atlas 35 riser bar w/800mm, DMR death grip, ergon SM enduro saddle, Crankbrothers synthesis E11 carbon 27.5 wheel set with maxxis DHF 2.6 tire in front and maxxis recon 2.6 in the rear. Industry 9 Hydra classic CL hubs , and race Face Chester pedals. A rockshox lyric RC2 150mm fork. At this point חן the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir, We'll find your bike
While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."
The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"
The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."
Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.
Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.
One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.
The next day Carl goes to the bar alone. "Hey," says Dan, "where's Al and Ben?"
"It's a sad story," pretends Carl. "Yesterday, when Al returned home, he found Ben in bed with his wife. He was so angry at them that he shot and killed them both. Then, realizing what he had done, he shot and killed himself."
As usual, Dan responds, "Could be worse!"
Carl is nothing short of shocked. "What?!" he sputters. "He killed his friend, his wife, and himself! How could it be worse?"
"Well," says Dan, "had he returned home a day early, I'd be dead by now."
Thứ Ba, 9 tháng 2, 2021
A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
- The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
- The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
- The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
- After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
- The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.
They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...
The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'
So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't Found Jesus.'
By this time the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up.
The Preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus..!!?'
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, 'now tell me this, are you sure this is where he fell in' ?
A big city doctor visits an indigenous tribe of only men
He asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. The leader of the tribe says "Since you're our guest you get to go first.". The doctor not wanting to go against their customs starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. 15 min pass, then one of the tribeman in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Lets face it English is a stupid language
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
Thứ Hai, 8 tháng 2, 2021
Two factory workers are talking.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
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