Because he didn't habanero.
Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 3, 2016
A man was marooned on a desert island.
One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)
"Your generation relies too much on technology", my grandpa said.
"No, your generation relies too much on technology", I replied, then I unplugged his life support.
I went to a disco last night.
They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.
Redneck Sex....
A brother and sister are having sex
And randomly the sister just starts giggling
The brother asks "what's so damn funny?"
She responds: "you fuck just like dad"
The brother begins to laugh and says: "I know, mom told me"
Sound check: the quietest place in the U.S.
Sound check: the quietest place in the U.S.
Gordon Hempton and the three decade search for pure silence.
March 30, 2016 at 10:06AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/21SruVw
I walk into a bar...
... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet". The whole bar was laughing, all except one guy...
The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.
Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.
Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 3, 2016
Doctor I live longer than 100 years.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke? No.
Do you eat too much? No.
Do you go to bed late? No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
A woman who lives on the top floor of her apartment building is out on her balcony when she slips and falls...
...Screaming, she is caught a floor down by a man standing on his own balcony. "Will you suck my dick?" the man asks. "No!" she yells horrified. The man drops her. Screaming, she is caught the next floor down by another man standing on his balcony. "Can I fuck you in the ass?" the man asks."No!" she yells again out of reflex, absolutely horrified. The man drops her. Falling and screaming, she is caught again by a third man on the balcony below. Terrified of being dropped again she frantically screams, "I'll suck your dick! You can fuck me in the ass!" The man looks at her and says, "Slut." and drops her.
A man gives his wife a glass of water and two aspirin
His wife says, "What are these for? I don't have a headache."
The man replies, "Great! Let's f***!"
American Soldier
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A photon checks into a motel
the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room."
The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"
Why I fired my secretary...
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski charged with battery for grabbing reporter in Florida
Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski charged with battery for grabbing reporter in Florida
The report from the Jupiter Police Department said Corey Lewandowski was charged for intentionally grabbing and bruising the arm of Michelle Fields, a former reporter for the conservative news outlet Breitbart, against her will at a Trump campaign event on March 8.
March 29, 2016 at 10:48PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1pYc4mZ
Monkey Business
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500. The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions. Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they? I don't want anyone to ever find out. Ok, done! What's your second condition? The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
Owner of a wine shop...
...gets a call in the middle of the night.
A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."
Sometime later the owner is woken up with another call, " How long till you open? My need is urgent.", says the same, but slightly inebriated, voice. The slightly puzzled owner replies, "I told you, it won't open till morning."
A few hours later, "When will your shop open?", shouts a drunk voice. The owner, now at the cusp of righteous wrath, shouts back, "You shit! I told you - in the morning! And you don't sound like you need any wine by the way your night's been going, anyway."
A slightly puzzled, but heavily intoxicated voice replies, "I've plenty of wine. What I need is a way out from your shop."
“Poor Old fool,”...
...thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow
his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. She unzips his pants and puts his cock in her mouth, then immediately stops and starts gagging. "Dad your cock tastes like shit", she says. Then the dad snaps his fingers in realization and says: "That's right, your brother has the car".
A Russian, a Japanese dude and a guy from Boston were caught by a group of cannibals...
The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want". The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably killed himself through 'hara-kiri'. All of a sudden the guy from Boston took a sharp rock and started stabbing himself all over his face and body. The tribe leader gasped and said "what are you doing! That's the longest and most painful way of killing yourself!" "Yeah well fuck you and your canoe!"
Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 3, 2016
Chinese Torture
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal - it didn't hurt his chances that he was the first man she had seen besides her father in years. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest. The old man was standing over him "First Chinese torture test: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so the old man smiled softly, "Second Chinese torture test: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward the old man leaned out the window with a large grin, "Third Chinese torture test: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.
He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
A cowboy and an Indian are riding horseback.
The Indian stops his horse, jumps off and puts his ear to the ground.
He looks up at the cowboy and says, "Buffalo come".
The cowboy looks around and then back at the Indian. "How the hell do you know that?"
The Indian replied, "Ear sticky".
The Inside Story of How Oculus Cracked the Impossible Design of VR
The Inside Story of How Oculus Cracked the Impossible Design of VR
When you set out to create a virtual reality headset, you soon realize that the idea of form following function is bullshit.
March 28, 2016 at 09:11AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1REgDsk
Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 3, 2016
A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"
The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"
A man asked his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery?"
She said "take half and leave your ass."
"Good," he replied. I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out."
African Penis Growth Technique.
A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when
each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a
weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique honey". The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis. A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?" The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there". The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?" "No" the husband replied. "It's turning black".
Netflix’s Grand, Daring, Maybe Crazy Plan to Conquer the World
Netflix’s Grand, Daring, Maybe Crazy Plan to Conquer the World
Netflix's strategy is all about data, great TV and using one to help you keep finding the other.
March 28, 2016 at 01:42AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1RHz45K
My new girlfriend just said...
"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"
I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
An old man on his front porch see two boys walk down the street past his house
Each boy is carrying a roll of duct tape.
"What are you boys doing with that duct tape?" said the man
"Gunna catch us some ducks Mister" said one the kids
"I don't think it works that way but good luck."
The kids walk by a couple of hours later with a duck under each of their arms.
Next week the old man sees the same kids walking down the street with chicken wire.
"What are you doing with that chicken wire" asks the old man
"Catch us some chickens" replied the kids
The old man shakes his head and wishes them luck. But a couple hours later the boys are each holding a chicken!
The following week the old man sees the two boys again, carrying a bundle of pussy willow. So he said "wait for me boys, just need to grab my hat"
What is Easter?
As told to me by a priest when I was little:
Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"
The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents."
Saint Peter says, "No. That's not right. That's Christmas."
The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas. Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put on masks and go door to door saying 'trick or treat' and getting candy."
Saint Peter says, "No. You're thinking of Halloween. How have you all not heard of Easter? Do you know what Easter is?" he says, motioning to the third.
The final Catholic says, "I apologize for my friends. I know what Easter is. Easter is when our lord and savior Jesus Christ was crucified under Pontius Pilate for the forgiveness of our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried. They put his body in a tomb and rolled a big stone in front of it. On the third day, the disciples rolled the rock away, and they saw Jesus Christ had risen from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures..."
"That's an excellent answer!" St. Peter exclaimed.
"...and as he rose from the dead, Christ saw his shadow and we got six more weeks of winter."
Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 3, 2016
Brussels Anti-Terror Raids Continue: Police Make Arrests, Shoot Man at Tram Stop
Brussels Anti-Terror Raids Continue: Police Make Arrests, Shoot Man at Tram Stop
Belgian authorities continue to detain individuals and scour the country’s capital in search of suspects as part of its anti-terror operations following Tuesday’s attacks at the Brussels airport and metro subway.
March 26, 2016 at 08:20PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1LOMNW5
Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?
It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.
Obligatory edit: Frontpage on /r/jokes! Wohooo!
Lent joke to tell tomorrow for Easter
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat as he chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 3, 2016
All the mathematical functions went to a party...
There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself
They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"
To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"
Sex with a Ghost
A visiting professor at Harvard University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands. "That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One Arab student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said ’goats’!"
In Newly Created Life-Form, a Major Mystery
In Newly Created Life-Form, a Major Mystery
Scientists have created a synthetic organism that possesses only the genes it needs to survive. But they have no idea what roughly a third of those genes do.
March 25, 2016 at 09:32PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1RzQRW8
Religion is like a man's penis.
It's okay to have one, it's fine to be proud of it, but don't go around shoving it in people's faces and jamming it down children's throats.
Blonde and a lawyer on a plane
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 3, 2016
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: A table for 26, please.
Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.
Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.
Did you hear the great news?! North Korea finally agrees to let their people travel the world freely.
Sadly any country they travel to, arrested them for espionage and sentenced them to 15 years of prison with hard labor. Still... Several North Korea detainees were quoted saying: "This was still the best vacation they had ever been on!"
So I was in bed with this woman and she said, "Not in the ass."
I said, "Hey, it’s my thumb, it’s my ass. If you don’t like it, go in the other room."
— Garry Shandling
Two prostitutes are discussing the hazards of their job
One says, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No, but I've been slung around by the tits."
Man arrested for not returning VHS rental 14 years later
Man arrested for not returning VHS rental 14 years later
“The officer said, 'I don’t know how to tell you this but there’s a warrant out for your arrest from 2002. Apparently you rented the movie "Freddy Got Fingered" and never returned it.' I thought he was joking,” said James Meyers.
March 24, 2016 at 11:53PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1RyP6IP
A man calls in sick for work...
He tells his boss he can't come in because of an awful headache.
The boss says to him, "I can't let you have today off. You need to come in. You know what I do when I have a headache? I grab my wife, throw her on the bed, and have sex with her, no questions asked. Do that, feel better, and get your butt to work."
The employee calls back 30 min later and says, "you were right! I feel much better. Nice house btw..."
If you want to know if a girl is into you, look at her feet.
If they point away from you she's not interested, if they're behind her ears she's very interested.
Frustrated Prostitute.
There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 3, 2016
A little boy and an old man are sitting on a park bench...
...The little boy unwraps a candy bar and eats it. Then he eats a second one. And a third, fourth and fifth.
The old man, watching this, says "You shouldn't be eating so many candy bars. You will ruin your teeth and get fat."
The little boy responded, "My Grandfather lived to be 102 years old."
The old man replied "Did your Grandfather eat 5 candy bars every day?"
The little boy said, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
Winners of the Smithsonian Magazine's 2015 Photo Contest
Winners of the Smithsonian Magazine's 2015 Photo Contest
If you thought these winning photos would be not great, you would be wrong. They are great.
March 24, 2016 at 04:25AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1RxeSNz
There's a legless and armless girl sitting on the beach
It's her 20th birthday, and she had her parents situate her on the beach so she could meet a special guy. She sees a very attractive man run past and she start loudly crying. He stops and asks what's wrong. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never had a hug from a real man." The man sit down next to her and gives her a hug. She continues to cry and he asks what's wrong now. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been kissed by a real man." The man plants a kiss on her lips. She cries even harder. He asks what's wrong a third time. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been fucked." The man picks up the girl in his arm and walks towards the ocean. He throws her as far as he can into the water and says, "Now you're fucked."
Bob works hard
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times
A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.
A man passes away...
A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.
"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"
The Silicon Valley Boys Aren’t Just Brilliant-They’re Part of a Comedy Revolution
The Silicon Valley Boys Aren’t Just Brilliant-They’re Part of a Comedy Revolution
You've got a hit TV show! Great. Now go crush it on YouTube, podcasts, Twitter and everywhere else.
March 23, 2016 at 08:37PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/25lUhX4
So I got a phone call from the post office today...
...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
Miguel Teased His Cover Of Rihanna's "Kiss It Better" On Instagram
And it sounds like it’s gonna be flames.
This is Miguel. He's an R&B singer with a golden voice.
Mike Coppola / Getty Images
And this is Rihanna. She just released her 8th studio album, Anti, back in January.
Christopher Polk / Getty Images
Anyway, Rihanna has a song on her latest musical offering called "Kiss It Better," and it's absolutely amazing. Listen to it. Your ears will thank you.
Last night, Miguel posted a preview of his version of the song, and it sounds like it's gonna be even better than the original.
Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 3, 2016
17 Puppies Being Absolute Delights
Is it even possible for them to be anything but?
This pup living his best dang life.
And this one who is confused by your games.
This adventurer who just wants to know where the snoring's coming from.
This sweetheart barking at his own hiccups.
Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker...
She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of the bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not in front of the bar for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up in a car and says, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for $30?"
Harry says, "A hand job."
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips up his pants, and out pops a huge cock.
She stares at it for a minute and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
Little Johnny is walking down the street with a jar of money under his arm and dragging along a dead frog on a string...
He walks into a whorehouse and sets the jar of money on the counter. He proclaims to the woman standing behind it "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here kid, you're too young." Little Johnny retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me get what I want."
She reluctantly agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Yolanda, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up his pants. The lady behind the counter asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Perplexed, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE'S THE MOTHER FUCKER WHO RAN OVER MY FROG"
A man walks into a bookstore...
A man walks into a bookstore and asks an employee if they have Donald Trump's new book on immigration. The employee, an immigrant himself, said, "fuck you, get out and stay out!"
The man replied, "yeah. Do you have it in paperback?"
A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.
The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."
A man washes up on a deserted beach...
He coughs up some water and tries to find himself some civilization. He walk around until it becomes apparent he is alone on an island except for a pig and a dog, both of which are strangely domesticated. Oh well, time to Robinson Crusoe the shit out of this island.
He starts a fire. Builds himself a hut. Starts a sizeable garden so he won't have to eat Ms. Oinky.
Time passes. He starts "getting lonely." Manual release stops being quite so gratifying. Ms. Oinky starts to look a lot more attractive. He resists because it's wrong. It's disgusting. But in the end he couldn't resist. He walked up behind Ms. Oinky, feeling terrible about himself. He lowered his tattered pants...all of a sudden the dog went batshit crazy. It charged right at him barking and snapping. It was inches away from biting his dick. The guy runs away and the dog immediately calms back down. The guy damn near has a heart attack and decides to get back to the whole island survival thing.
He makes some crude tools out of rocks. Digs an irrigation ditch for his garden. Starts work on a rudimentary still.
But soon, he starts to feel urges again. His hands are rough and calloused, sore from long days of hard labor (and a lot of masturbation). Ms. Oinky starts looking good again.
This time he plans it. He walks to the far side of the island with the dog. They play fetch for an hour. The dog finally collapses on the beach, having a happy dog nap. The man sneaks away back to where he left Ms. Oinky. He steps behind her. Lowers his pants. Closes his eyes and tries to remember what boobs look like.
Then out of fucking nowhere that damn dog EXPLODES out of the bushes, barking his damn head off. The guy sets a new world record for pulling up pants. What the fuck is up with that dog?
The next day a plane crashes off the shore. It hit pretty hard, and none of the doors opened so the guy assumed there were no survivors. He decides to swim out to it and see if he can find anything worthwhile to salvage. Inside it's kind of dark, but somehow he stumbles onto an unconscious survivor. He swims them back to shore, and in the middle of CPR he notices the survivor is a woman, and she is HOT. Not just hot like any woman would be hot to a guy who's been trapped on a deserted island for months would be hot, like objectively gorgeous.
The babe coughs a couple of times and looks around. She grasps the situation pretty quickly and says some of the usual damsel in distress stuff, "Oh my hero! you saved my life! I'll do anything to repay you."
The guy was kind of zoning out while staring at her --I mean, it's been awhile since he's seen anyone, let alone anyone so gorgeous-- but that last sentence snaps him back to reality. "Wait," he replied, "you'd do anything?"
She looks back at him seductively (well, as seductively and someone who was just damn near drowned could...which in her case was still pretty fucking seductive) and said "Anything."
He gave her another good long look. Then said, "Great! Do me a favor and hold that dog!"
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said. 'Do you know what the key to comedy is?' Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
Brussels airport explosions – live updates
Brussels airport explosions – live updates
At least 31 are dead and 180 injured after blasts at Zaventem airport and Maelbeek metro station. ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attacks.
March 22, 2016 at 10:29PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1T4RI6D
22 Iconic Lines From "Selena" That Will Make You Laugh And Cry
“I mean…anything for Salinas.”
When a young Abraham and Los Dinos start a riot at a local Tejano spot for singing the wrong type of music:
Warner Bros.
When Abraham has this realization:
Warner Bros.
When Lil' Suzette asks Lil' Selena what she's doing randomly sitting on the roof, and she responds like this:
Warner Bros.
When Abraham drops this valuable life lesson:
Warner Bros.
Tom Hiddleston's Biggest Challenge Yet
Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston in I Saw the Light.
Sony Pictures Classics
The first time Tom Hiddleston ever acted on stage, he was 13 years old. It was a school production of Guys and Dolls, and while the actor would go on to become a peerless Marvel villain and Tumblr-breaking dreamboat, it was not exactly the beginning of a future in musical theater.
"I played the guy that [the female lead] Sarah dances with in Cuba, and Sky Masterson gets jealous and smashes a bottle over his head or something," Hiddleston told BuzzFeed News at the 2015 Toronto International Film Festival, laughing at the memory.
While Hiddleston has certainly enjoyed a healthy ascent in his career, he’s shied away from singing and dancing as a part of his given profession. "Singing's always been a private thing," he said. "It's never been something I've thought of myself as being good at. Put a couple drinks in me and take me to a karaoke bar, and see what we get to!"
That all changed when Hiddleston signed on to play Hank Williams — one of the most influential and renowned American singer-songwriters of the 20th century — in the biopic I Saw the Light, which debuted at TIFF last fall and opens in limited release on Friday. Hiddleston sang every note in the film, uncannily capturing Williams' signature country twang and the playful, flirtatious swing of his music. And that accomplishment seems to have changed how the 35-year-old actor regards his own abilities as a performer.
Tom Hiddleston in I Saw the Light.
Sam Emerson / Sony Pictures Classics
"Playing Hank has been a discovery for me about finding that I actually might be able to sing," he said. "Or at least interpret song in some way."
Hiddleston's reticence to sing professionally comes from his deep reverence for the medium. "There was an essayist called Walter Pater who said, 'All art aspires towards the condition of music.' I always interpreted that as meaning that music, of all art forms, has this ability to go straight to your heart," he said. "This is my aspiration as an actor, to be in a work that has the same impact that music does." (For several of his roles, Hiddleston has crafted playlists to listen to on set to help him get into character, including Sigur Rós for Loki in 2011's Thor, and the scores to 2007's Sunshine and 2013's Gravity for last fall's psychological thriller Crimson Peak.)
In Williams and his music, Hiddleston recognized that yearning for connection with other people. Beyond the bullet points of his movie-friendly biography — a troubled marriage to Audrey Mae (Elizabeth Olsen), self-destructive abuse of alcohol and amphetamines, and a tragic early death at 29 — his deceptively simple lyrics and melodies spoke powerfully to the human condition. "Literally, there is no high more gratifying than feeling that you've made a connection with people," Hiddleston said. "I knew that that's what the film was about — a man who had this extraordinary gift, and he connected really deeply with people because his lyrics talked of everyday experiences, everyday pain, everyday joy. Chasing a girl, or feeling a little lonesome, or having the lovesick blues. And he it made it OK for men in ’40s Alabama to say, 'I'm so lonesome, I could cry.' That was his gift."
Growing up in England in the ’80s and '90s, Hiddleston said he was more aware of the generation of country and folk music stars that followed Williams, like Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline, and Bob Dylan. But he understood that Williams presaged a larger moment for American pop culture. "I feel in my generation, if you grow up in Europe, there's something incredibly exotic about American cinema, and authentic Americana," he said. "Because we don't have the diners, and we don't have the burgers and the milkshakes — this salty, authentic American experience. I knew my generation grew up on American films, that whenever you saw someone walk into a diner, Hank Williams was always on the jukebox, that inimitable steel guitar sound. So I recognized that immediately."
Rodney Crowell and Tom Hiddleston.
To capture Williams' voice and sound, Hiddleston spent over a month working and living with American country music singer Rodney Crowell at Crowell's Tennessee home before shooting began. Hiddleston, Crowell, and their team of musicians worked eight to nine hours a day, every day, for five weeks, to help the actor embody Williams' sound. "We'd get up in the morning, we'd make some porridge, have a cup of coffee, and say, 'Well, let's get in there,'" Hiddleston said with a chuckle. Crowell first tasked Hiddleston with learning — and connecting with — Williams' lyrics, a job the actor took so seriously that he launched into an unprompted recitation of Williams' song "Cold, Cold Heart."
"The poetry is so simple and so powerful, and it was just about connecting to that for me," said Hiddleston. "What does it mean to sing, 'I've tried so hard, my dear, to show that you're my every dream / Yet you're afraid that each thing I do is just some evil scheme / A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart / Why I can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?'"
The next step was to get Hiddleston to loosen up his ingrained English sense of musical timing. "Whether it's Scottish or Irish celtic stuff, or more traditional English stuff, all the way through, like, Nick Drake, Johnny Flynn, and Mumford and Sons, it's much more on the beat," he said. "We'd [sing] a couple of takes, and [Rodney] would say" — he broke into a spot-on Tennessean accent, "'OK, OK! The Englishman is alive and well this morning. Let's sing the blues for an hour.'"
When Hiddleston finally nailed it, it was unlike anything he’d experienced as a performer. "There were these extraordinary days where Rodney used to say, it's like I'd swam out into clear water," Hiddleston recalled. "For whatever reason, my voice would be warm, and we'd just hit a purple patch, and we'd just record everything. We'd just record, record, record, record, record. ‘OK, let's do “Lovesick Blues.” Let's do “Move It On Over.” Let's do “I Can't Get You Off of My Mind.” Let's do “Why Don't You Love Me?”’ And I'd just keep singing. It was really fun.”
But, he added, “It wasn't easy. There were days when the task seemed insurmountable. But it was always joyful."
Despite connecting with singing professionally like he never had before, Hiddleston added with a laugh that he’s “not the guy who's about to release a solo album." And his upcoming projects likely won't require him to break into song, either. He'll next star in the spy miniseries The Night Manager (debuting April 19 on AMC), and the phantasmagoric feature film High-Rise (debuting digitally on April 28, and theatrically on May 13) — followed by effects-driven spectacles Kong: Skull Island and Thor: Ragnarok in 2017.
But Hiddleston's experience making I Saw the Light has expanded his own sense of what he can do as an actor. "I suppose if someone asks me to sing, I'll be less tentative about feeling as if I can do it," he said. He said he’d even consider revisiting that debut theatrical performance in Guys and Dolls — and this time, he would sing: “I’d love to play Nathan Detroit one day.”
Justin Bieber Stole A Girl's Hair Tie Mid-Song At A Concert
And he didn’t even say “sorry.”
Let's break down this entire historic moment, shall we? First, Justin realizes his hair is way too long. But he can't get a haircut on stage...so he has to find another solution.
That solution is staring him right in the face. Literally. Justin approaches his front-row fan, grabs her iPhone and places it in her other hand, and reaches for her hair tie.
Presto! Justin has acquired the tool that will solve the problem at hand (his messy hair, nothing metaphorical). I have no idea as to what the fan has to say about being separated from said hair tie.
Here Are Your Favorite Celebs' Very First Instagram
Man, we’ve come a long way.
Kim Kardashian:
Remember when borders were a thing?
Kim Kardashian / Via instagram.com
Zayn Malik:
Nice zitties.
Zayn / Via instagram.com
Gwen Stefani:
There's no doubt this is a good picture.
Gwen Stefani / Via instagram.com
Madonna:
It's like a Where's Waldo? of Instas.
Madonna / Via instagram.com
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road
Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road. Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car.
The chauffeur has no time to react, and runs over it, giving it instant death.
The chauffeur stops the car, gets out and looks around. He spots a small farm-house in the distance. Donald says to his chauffeur, "You should at least tell them that you've killed the pig"
The chauffeur does as he's told.
A couple of hours later, the chauffeur stumbles out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss-marks and a bottle of champagne in each hand.
As he stumbles to the passenger side window, Donald exclaims, "Jesus, what did you tell them?"
"Exactly what you told me boss...Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig...."
Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 3, 2016
21 Puppies Who Have No Idea How Big They're About To Be
They grow up too fast!
This pup who looks more like a panda cub than a puppy.
reddit.com / Via imgur.com
This dude who has already outgrown his ability to be a lap dog.
THIS BABY WHO IS SMALLER THAN THE CLASSIC ST. BERNARD BARREL THINGY.
This innocent little fine-tuned piccolo.
22 Products You Need If You Love Horses But Don't Know Why
Or any magical equine creature.
Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed
This mug that voices your thoughts, always.
$10, PandorasGiftShop.
These earrings that go with the rest of your obsessories.
$10, ObsessoriesLA.
This majestic prancing lamp.
$77, SturlesiDesign.
This Vampire Cat Needs A Forever Home
Don’t worry, he won’t suck your blood.
An adorable cat that happens to have some vampire-looking fangs is looking for a home in the UK.
Rachel O'sullivan / Via battersea.org.uk
Rory was brought to the Battersea Dogs and Cats Home after his owners became unable to care for him, the group said on its website.
The 4-year-old cat is unique because he has "the most excellent front fangs that poke right out," the group said.
After the cat was brought to the home, he had dental work that removed most of his teeth, the group said.
However, the kitty dentist left his "fantastic fangs" intact.
Vote In Round 2 Of '90s March Madness
We’re down to 32 ’90s things. What will advance to the Sweet Sixteen?
After a huge opening round, we've cut the 90s March Madness field by half!
Jen Lewis/BuzzFeed
There were a few upsets, the biggest being 11 seed No Doubt jumping over 6 seed Mariah Carey in the Pop Music region. The closest matchup in Round 1 was Pokémon vs. Slap Bracelets.
Slap Bracelets were leading the battle up until the end, when Pokémon barely pulled ahead. With almost 200,000 votes cast, Pokémon won by just a few hundred.
BuzzFeed
On the other end, Jennifer Aniston served up Brandy the biggest blowout in Round 1. Maybe it's time Moesha finally came to Netflix?
BuzzFeed
Sia Has Reunited With Maddie Ziegler For Her New Video And It’s Amazing
And they finally dance together!
Sia released her latest video for "Cheap Thrills" and it features her long-time fave Maddie Ziegler.
The video features Ziegler and two male dancers, while Sia stands in the corner.
Sia and Maddie first worked together for the "Chandelier" video back in 2014.
Maddie then went on to star in the "Big Girls Cry" video, as well as the "Elastic Heart" video which also featured Shia LaBeouf.
But this is the first time the two have interacted in a video together!
Kesha Appeals Dr. Luke Decision, Claims Career Will "Fade Quickly"
Mary Altaffer / AP
Kesha is appealing a judge's decision to not let her out of her contract with the music producer she claims abused and raped her, arguing it amounts to modern day slavery.
In February, Judge Shirley Kornreich denied Kesha's request for an injunction, ruling that releasing the "Tik Tok" singer from the contract under Sony would cause irreparable harm to the record labels involved. Sony also pledged to allow Kesha to work with other producers.
But in her appeal filed in Manhattan Supreme Court on Friday, Kesha contends that forcing her to fulfill the remainder of her exclusive contract with Dr. Luke — "purportedly without his involvement" — is tantamount to slavery.
Dr. Luke.
Richard Shotwell / AP
Her attorney, Mark Geragos, also contends Kornreich was incorrect in determining his client would not suffer "irreparable harm" if she was forced to fulfill her contract with Dr. Luke, aka Lukasz Gottwald.
Due to the standoff and the lack of her ability to record music free of Dr. Luke's influence, Kesha's music career has been at a standstill since dueling lawsuits were filed Oct. 14. That standstill, Geragos argues, can kill a budding career in the music industry.
"Kesha submitted affidavits by individuals with over 100 years of collective personal experience in the music industry, each of whom attested to the fact that a young star's fame will fade quickly and permanently, due to a loss of momentum," Geragos argues in the court motion.
Dr. Luke has denied Kesha's allegations of abuse and rape, with his legal team arguing the claims are legal strategy to get out of her current contract for a more lucrative deal.
A spokesperson for Dr. Luke told BuzzFeed News "The Court repeatedly stated Kesha was already free to record without Dr. Luke, and that she had not presented any facts supporting her claims. That’s because all the evidence — including Kesha’s own sworn testimony – show her allegations are false. Her attorneys can continue manufacturing even more false and outrageous claims, but the fact remains that her time would be better spent in a studio than wasting time having her lawyer and mother spin lies in the media."
Sony declined to comment.
A hearing for the appeal has not been scheduled.
Read Kesha's Appeal Argument Here:
LINK: This Is How Kesha’s Legal Fight With Dr. Luke Unfolded
LINK: Kesha Faces An Uphill Legal Battle With Dr. Luke, Experts Say
LINK: For Everyone Who’s Standing By Kesha
Miley Cyrus Thought Meghan Trainor Was Martha From "High School Musical"
Another meme victim.
Miley Cyrus shared a major revelation Monday morning on Instagram — she found out Martha from High School Musical is actually Meghan Trainor!
So how does a former Disney Channel star go this long without knowing such a fun fact about another former Disney Channel star? Well, because it's simply NOT true.
A quick and free Google search reveals the jam and breaking Martha Cox was played by Kaycee Stroh in the High School Musical trilogy, who is now married with two little girls.
Not to mention Meghan is only 22 years old, which means the "All About That Bass" singer would've only been 12 years old when the first High School Musical premiered on the Disney Channel in 2006.
Sony Music Entertainment
Đăng ký:
Bài đăng (Atom)