A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of the most beautiful, heartrending melodies he’s ever heard.

“That’s amazing,” says the barkeep. “What is that beautiful song?”

“I wrote it myself. It’s called ‘I Came in Her Hair.’”

The bartender laughs and says, “Play me another.”

So the drunk plays another tune, this one a real toe-tapping, catchy melody. The bartender can see the customers are really enjoying it.

“You write that one too?”

“Yep. It’s called, ‘Fresh Bowl of Turds.’”

“Charming. Listen, we just lost our piano player. I’ll keep you in as much cheap whiskey as you can drink any time you come in here and play. But, you can’t tell anyone what your songs are called.”

“Deal.”

So for a few weeks everything goes great. The drunk comes in almost every night, wows the crowd with his original songs, and drinks his fill. Until one night, he’s already stinking drunk when he comes in. He plays as well as ever, but he looks like hell.

After a couple of songs and drinks, he takes a break and goes into the men’s room. When he comes out, he looks even worse and on his way back the bench he bumps into a customer.

“My goodness,” she says. “You know there’s vomit on your shirt and your dick’s hanging out?”

“Know them? -- I fucking wrote them!”