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Chủ Nhật, 4 tháng 1, 2015
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.
...and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
My favorite clean joke
A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground.
Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground.
This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.
The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.
Story Time
So when I was a kid, I was a total nerd. Excelled in class, but I was bullied a lot. There was this really cute girl in my class. I was absolutely in love. I introduced myself to her and we got to talking. She immediately friend zoned me. I'm hurt, but I'm like, whatever. She's amazing and man, if not today, then maybe tomorrow she'll change her mind. Until this asshole came along.
He was one of the main people bullying me, and she decided to hook up with that asshole. I was really hurt, friend. Not going to lie. My pride was hurt. The entire time I was thinking, “Maybe it's a phase. She'll wake up one day and realize the guy she's with is a total douchebag.” But no. We grow up, and wouldn't you believe it? The girl MARRIES that guy. They have a kid and everything. Unbelievable.
I was in complete shock. I still liked this girl, and he clearly had no class, but my hands were tied. But there was a group of people I knew who really didn't like him. So I said, “Fuck it. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” I began to hang out with this group. Until the leader did something completely unacceptable.
He tried to kill the girl, her stupid husband, AND the baby. Somehow the child lived, but damn. That was really messed up. Anyway, after all of that stuff happened, I just moved on and became the Potions Master at Hogwarts. I still look after that child, though.
Thứ Bảy, 3 tháng 1, 2015
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