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Thứ Năm, 8 tháng 1, 2015

The three men


Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.


"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."


The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"


With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.


"Then, go to Hell!"


With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.


The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"


With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.


"Then, go to Hell!"


With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.


The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"


The Devil brought forward a chair.


"Drill 7 holes on the seat."


The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"


The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."


"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven...



A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over


"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."


"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"


The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.


"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."


*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.



Snow.

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Sorry Morgan Freeman

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The 7 Best Remixes Of Jennifer Lawrence's "Hanging Tree"

Yes, this song is an actual real thing that’s actually wildly popular. AND I KNOW, it’s all so weird. It’s just so weird.


The Avicii Style Remix



youtube.com


5/5 Awkward Peetas


5/5 Awkward Peetas


Just... lol. Funny thing is, it isn't that bad. It's spot on Avicii.


Chris Ritter for BuzzFeed


The DIA Plattenpussys Edit



w.soundcloud.com


3/5 Awkward Peetas


3/5 Awkward Peetas


Actually not that bad, it's just the word "Platenpussy."


Chris Ritter for BuzzFeed




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Former 'Onion' editor: Freedom of speech cannot be killed



Former 'Onion' editor: Freedom of speech cannot be killed

Our joke at The Onion was, like most of our jokes, borne out of some reality. We received hateful letters and emails on a semi-regular basis. I’ve personally spoken on the phone with at least two individuals who threatened to rape me and kill my family. At one point, we even had to call the police. But I never could have imagined anything like this.



January 8, 2015 at 02:19AM

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