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Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 2, 2015
There were two buddies out walking their dogs...
One with a Doberman pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua, when they smelled something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of dark glasses and walks into the restaurant, when the restaurant owner comes up and says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman replies, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog."
The owner , skeptical, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The Dobermans master says, "Yes, they're using them now- they're very good and they protect me from robbers, too." The owner says, "Come on in."
When the man with the Chihuahua sees this, he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the restaurant owner says , " Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog."
"A Chihuahua?" Says the owner.
The man with the dog replies,
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!
Kids these days
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A family is sitting around the dinner table (dirty joke)
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, understandably surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a women's breasts are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears: still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The daughter glares at her father and then asks, "Mom how many kinds of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and replies, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s to 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.
"Yes," said the mother. "Dead from root to tip and the balls are just for decoration."
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