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Chủ Nhật, 8 tháng 3, 2015

A guy arrives at the gates of heaven.


St. Peter welcomes him and gives him a tour of the main building. One of the room is filled with clocks. St. Peter explains: "These clocks keep track of every lie someone deceased or still alive has ever made. For example, this is Mother Teresa's clock. The time is exactly midnight 0 minutes 3 seconds, which means she has lied three times in her life. Bill Cosby's clock just went forward a second, which means he just lied." After some looking around, the guy says: "with all that's coming out recently, I was curious as to see how many lies Bill O'Reilly has said, but I can't seem to find his clock. Do you know where it is?" To which St. Peter replies: "Oh, Jesus brought that one to his office. He uses it as a fan."



my dad told me this one


Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table , then a chair



Little Johnny was in class one afternoon


And the teacher asked him to come to the front and tell the class what he had done that weekend, hoping that it would be a nice clean story (ok...)


"Well miss, me and my mate grabbed a frog from the stream and shoved a firecracker up his arse th-"


Feeling a bit flustered and trying to inject bit of proffesionalism into the situation she inturupts him and stammers "R-rectum Johnny!"


"Wrecked 'im miss? We blew his fucking balls off!"



The two possible reactions to seeing a dinosaur

http://ift.tt/10Tneom


My most pretentious joke.


Knock knock.


Who's there?


To.


To who?


To whom.



Heard my kid yelling for me and found him stuck like this somehow.

http://ift.tt/1DVv9W1


And miniature horse sweaters!

http://ift.tt/1GaLcBH