#friendshipgoals
Thứ Sáu, 8 tháng 5, 2015
Raisin' Bread
A young blonde woman working in a bakery wakes up late for work one day and throws on last nights clothes before rushing out to work.
On the way to work she really started to regret her outfit, her skirt was too short and her underwear really left nothing to the imagination.
Reaching work she found a queue at the till already and her manager asked her to immediately grab the ladder and grab some raisin bread off the top shelf. Reaching up to get it she immediately felt a draft on her thighs and cursed herself for not wearing a longer skirt.
Upon reaching the bottom of the ladder, another customer immediately asked for more raisin bread. And another. And another. Until there was a small crowd of men watching her climbing up and down the ladder with excitement. As she reached the top of the ladder for what must have been the twentieth time she heard the tinkle of the door opening and looked over to see an old man staring at her privates in shock.
"Is yours a Raisin too?" she demanded angrily...
"No" replied the old man, "But it's a quivering".
Watch This Moose Evade Police And Regain Its Sweet Freedom
If The Internet Was Around During Each Geologic Period
I can haz cone shell?
Cambrian (541–485 million years ago)
This doge-y looking arthropod ancestor is Anomalocaris.
Admittedly we are not working with a very deep bench here when it comes to cute Cambrian creatures, but just look at this fella! Sure, this proto-lobster was the apex predator of its day. Sure, some of them lived to be up to 6 feet in length. Sure, they crushed their soft-bodied prey with their gigantic forearms. But just look at those goofy eyes! Fun fact about these eyes: They are the earliest evidence of compound eyes and they suggest that this ancient beast actually had pretty acute vision.
Esben Horn / Alex Kasprak / BuzzFeed / Via eurekalert.org
Ordovician (485–443 million years ago)
Meet Orthoceras. This lol-opod can haz all the cone shell it wants.
Not only did Orthoceras sport an adorable cone-shaped shell, it also dominated the Ordovician seas. This kind of creature is a cephalopod, and it is distantly related to things like the octopus and the nautilus.
Nobu Tamura / Alex Kasprak / BuzzFeed / Via spinops.blogspot.com
Silurian (443–414 million years ago)
Watch out for Eurypterus — the beast is looking pretty aggressive.
Despite all its rage, it is still an adorable sea scorpion trapped in the Silurian ocean cage! Later types of "sea scorpions" (an informal name for an order of animals called eurypterids) would actually inhabit freshwater, but not this fella — he's an OG sea scorpion. These guys ate whatever, but were likely primarily carnivores.
Dimitris Siskopoulos (modified) / Alex Kasprak / BuzzFeed / Via en.wikipedia.org
Devonian (419–359 million years ago)
Acanthostega was wise enough to venture into new and uncharted terrestrial territory. Acanthostega is happy to give you all the advice you want.
This smiley amphibian is one of the first vertebrate creatures to have easily recognizable limbs. It is considered a perfect example of a transitional creature between fish and tetrapods (a massive group of creatures that includes amphibians, reptiles, birds, and mammals). These things were pretty aquatic, but they did venture onto land for food sometimes. Some scientists think their fishy structure may have made it hard for them to eat land-food at first.
Dr. Günter Bechly / Alex Kasprak / BuzzFeed / Via en.wikipedia.org
A guy is at a restaurant...
And he walks into a bathroom to take a piss. While he's peeing, a very short man in a green suit with bright orange hair walks in and takes the urinal next him. The first man, being naturally curious, he looks around the divider for a comparison,and sees that the short, orange haired man has a monstrous penis. Shocked, the first man strikes up a conversation and says, "Hey man, I couldn't help but notice that you have a huge dick." the short man replies with a very thick Scottish accent, "well yes, I'm a leprechaun, ya know." first man says, "well, if your a leprechaun, that means you grant wishes, right?" leprechaun says, "well sure I grant wishes. Whatcha want, son?" he replies, "well I would like to have a large dick like yours." the leprechaun nods and says, "big dick? No problem. But, as payment, I have to do ya." the forest man looks confused for a second and says, "do me? What do you mean by that?" the leprechaun chuckles and says, "well imma take you in the stall, bend you over and do ya." the man considers it and accepts the offer. They gonna the stall, and the leprechaun starts doing him. He then starts to strike up a conversation. "so, son, what's your name?" the man grunts and says, "Tommy." "how old are you, Tommy?" "twenty six" the leprechaun chuckles for a second and says, "Tommy, don't you think 26 is a little old to be believing in leprechauns?"
A man staggers into the police station piss drunk...
... at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you'll arrested who broke into our house last week."
Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.
"You don't understand," says the man. "I'd just like to find out how he managed to get into the house without waking up my wife."
As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.
Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"
Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."
Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"
Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."
Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?"
Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".
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