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Thứ Tư, 13 tháng 5, 2015

The girl at the bar.

When I first met my husband, he told me about a poor girl he met and accidentally embarrassed when he was out drinking one night.

I guess he thought she was cute and asked her to dance, but she refused while all of her friends went off dancing with other guys. He bought her a beer and after chatting a few minutes he took her hand and asked her to dance again. Again, she declined, but he wouldn't take "no" for an answer so he pulled her arm in an effort to get her up out of the booth she was sitting in. Well, she fell out of the booth onto her face, and that is when he realized that she had no legs.

Her friends came rushing over, calling him an asshole as he apologized profusely, and they grabbed her wheelchair which was resting by the front door. They helped her into it, and my husband asked if he could make it up to her, buy her a drink - anything! She expressed her embarrassment and desire to just go home. He told her that he was sober, and that his truck was down the street and offered her a ride home, as it was the least he could do.

She obliged and he took her ten minutes up the street to where she said she lived. He got out, grabbed the wheelchair from the cab and helped her into it. She thanked him and as he went to get back in his truck she invited him inside, saying that there was no sense in ruining the whole night, and that she knew that he was just trying to be cute back at the bar. He agreed to join her for a beer inside.

They went in, and I guess it was her parents' home. She said hello to her dad, introduced him, and took him downstairs to her basement apartment.

He was amazed to see that there were bars fitted all across the ceiling - and even more - the wheelchair was discarded and she moved her way around the basement with elegance and skill using the bars.

She grabbed them each a beer, turned on a movie, and lowered herself into the couch next to him. They got to know one another a bit, and she began to tell him about how she lost her legs, and how it had been so long since she'd been with a man.

All of the sudden, as he described it, she was kissing him and un-zipping his pants, giving him a blow job. He didn't want to be rude, (and it had been a while for him too) so he started in with her too. Very quickly, they were both naked, and she grabbed the bars on the ceiling and was about to lower herself onto him, when the door to the apartment swung open and her dad walked in with three more beers!

My husband quickly put his clothes on while the girl just hung naked from the bars, yelling at her dad for not knocking.

As he rushed past the father, still zipping his jeans, apologizing and excusing himself, the father told him that she almost never has company, and that he just wanted to have a beer with them. My husband tried to get past him, but the dad stood in his way, begging him not to leave. My husband apologized again and pushed past him, when he heard the father drop the beers behind him, and start sobbing. He turned to look at the father, confused and feeling guilty. The father looked at him, teary eyed, and said "Please! Don't leave my daughter hanging!"

I came into a lot of money today.

But now the bills are all stuck together :(

A kid is pulled over on his bike by a cop.

It is Christmas Day, and a kid is riding down the street on his bicycle. An officer on horseback pulls over the lad, walks over to him, and jokingly asks,"Did you get that bike from Santa?" The boy replies with a yes. The cop then says,"Next year ask Santa for some reflectors." The officer then gets on his horse. The child gets off his bike, walks over to the officer and asks,"Did Santa give you that horse?" The officer sarcastically says yes. The child then says,"Next time ask Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse instead of the top."

TIL: Due to the placebo effect, if you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and pretend as if you're shaking a salt-shaker into your mouth, your brain will cause you to actually taste salt

If that doesn't work, try it again only more vigorously and while yelling "OH YEAH GIVE IT TO ME!!!"

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful

Bitches love to be called Beautiful

Dolphins are the only animals, other than humans, that enjoy sex.

I had to fuck a lot of animals to figure that out.