My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
"World peace" I said.
"Something more realistic!" she laughed
"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"
She reached for the phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked.
"The United Nations" she replied.
Chủ Nhật, 7 tháng 6, 2015
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
3 men are ship-wrecked on an island
Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit.
They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass without any facial expression, and then you will live." The man tries but he winces after the third apple and was killed on the spot.
The second person comes back with 10 cherries and is told the same thing. He starts shoving them up his ass with no difficulty, but he starts laughing hysterically after the ninth cherry and is killed on the spot.
In heaven the two people meet, where the first person ask, "Why did you laugh, you could have gotten away?" "I saw the other guy come back with pineapples."
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