"Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 7, 2015
The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...
They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.
The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."
Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get Narnia united."
There's a pause so they all look at Cecil. He raises his eyes from his drink and quietly says, "Oh yeah? You have no idea what I went through just to get a cavity filled."
My six year old son caught me masturbating this morning
He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."
A little boy walks in on his parents........
A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The dad, all flustered, tries to explain to him what was going on. -Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother?....that's what I was doing with mommy. I was putting your little brother inside mommy. The little guy seems content with the explanation, and the dad is quite proud of himself for having thought of it. A couple of weeks later, the dad comes home from work to find the little boy crying on the front steps. -What's wrong buddy...why're you crying? -My baby brother. -What about him? -The mailman came by today....AND ATE HIIIIMM!!
The 'Top Gear' Hosts Are All Returning... To Amazon
The 'Top Gear' Hosts Are All Returning... To Amazon
The former hosts of global TV hit "Top Gear" — Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May — have signed up to present a new car show on Amazon.
July 30, 2015 at 07:31PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1U8Pr8T
Dad, what is the difference?
An eleven year old boy comes home from school and tells his Dad, "Dad, I keep hearing the boys at school use the bad words Pussy and Cunt but I don't know what the difference is."
Dad: "Go get that Penthouse magazine in my nightstand and I'll show you."
The boy runs off to get the magazine and returns breathless.
Dad: Opens the magazine to a picture of a nude woman lying on a bed and draws a circle around the Pussy with his pen. "Son, you see that circle? Everything inside that circle is the Pussy."
Son: "So what is a Cunt then?"
Dad: "Everything outside the circle."
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
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