I like my coffee just like I like my slaves...

Free

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What did the optimist say as he jumped off the building?

So far, so good.

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I read a book about stockholm syndrome...

I hated it at first, but it was great after a while.

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"Doctor, I have an embarrassing medical problem..." NSFW

Well, what is it?" asks the doctor.

"I have five penises."

"Five penises!," exclaims the doctor, "How does your underwear fit?"

"Like a glove!"

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"I must go," said my friend.

"Why?" I asked.

He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."

I said, "That's no way to raise a child."

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An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said:

You can write with your other hand.

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What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Your mom can't take a joke

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