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Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 11, 2015

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons,

his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near tower bridge". With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he Hell ! He was a "bloody window cleaner!"

I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then my muggings have been much more successful.

My dad posted a picture of his "Condom challenge fail"

It was a picture of me

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?

'Scurvy

A gay deer walks into a bar

After a long night he comes stumbling out and says, "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks in there"