There's a legless and armless girl sitting on the beach

It's her 20th birthday, and she had her parents situate her on the beach so she could meet a special guy. She sees a very attractive man run past and she start loudly crying. He stops and asks what's wrong. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never had a hug from a real man." The man sit down next to her and gives her a hug. She continues to cry and he asks what's wrong now. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been kissed by a real man." The man plants a kiss on her lips. She cries even harder. He asks what's wrong a third time. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been fucked." The man picks up the girl in his arm and walks towards the ocean. He throws her as far as he can into the water and says, "Now you're fucked."

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What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

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How long does an owl live?

six and a half books.

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What do you feed an autistic donkey?

Ass burgers

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Bob works hard

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

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(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

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A man passes away...

A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.

"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"

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