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Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 3, 2016
Why I fired my secretary...
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski charged with battery for grabbing reporter in Florida
Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski charged with battery for grabbing reporter in Florida
The report from the Jupiter Police Department said Corey Lewandowski was charged for intentionally grabbing and bruising the arm of Michelle Fields, a former reporter for the conservative news outlet Breitbart, against her will at a Trump campaign event on March 8.
March 29, 2016 at 10:48PM
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Monkey Business
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500. The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions. Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they? I don't want anyone to ever find out. Ok, done! What's your second condition? The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
Owner of a wine shop...
...gets a call in the middle of the night.
A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."
Sometime later the owner is woken up with another call, " How long till you open? My need is urgent.", says the same, but slightly inebriated, voice. The slightly puzzled owner replies, "I told you, it won't open till morning."
A few hours later, "When will your shop open?", shouts a drunk voice. The owner, now at the cusp of righteous wrath, shouts back, "You shit! I told you - in the morning! And you don't sound like you need any wine by the way your night's been going, anyway."
A slightly puzzled, but heavily intoxicated voice replies, "I've plenty of wine. What I need is a way out from your shop."
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