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Chủ Nhật, 3 tháng 4, 2016

[NSFW] All of Paris

A young accountant took a business trip to Paris. On the advise of his mates, he spent his first evening in a seedier part of town.

He lurked around and was about to leave when he was approached.

"Want a handjob?" the suggestively dressed stranger whispered into his ear.

"How much?" the accountant asked.

"100 euros."

The accountant was stunned and the look of shock registered with the street-worker.

"See that hotel? It's mine, I bought it with money from giving hand jobs. Want to take a look inside?"

The hotel was impressive and the accountant couldn't say no.

The hand job was spectacular. He erupted and lit a cigarette; he had never smoked before. They stood at the open window smoking when curiosity got the better of the young man.

"How much for a blow job?"

"500 euros."

"That's absurd. No way."

"Look out the window. See all the nice buildings on this street? I bought them with money from blowjobs."

The accountant did the math. The blowjob was truly out of this world. It was several minutes before he could muster the energy to ask:

"How much for sex?"

"Let's go up to the roof."

The prostitute said, "Take a look around you."

The man didn't believe it, "You can't possibly own Paris."

"I would if I had a vagina."

My friend David lost his ID the other day

Now we just call him dav

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up

They would be alloys

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

He woke up due to the noise he made snoring.

What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?

A golden opportunity

The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature. Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on.
Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs car parked outside.
"It figures", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint. On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly. Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar. She shouted at the sheriff:
"What sort of town are you running here?! You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly! How can you explain this?!"
The sheriff sipped his beer and said, "Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age"

Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?

Strippers don't rig their polls.