What do you call two gay Irish men?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

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If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

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I bought a fleshlight today

My masturbation has gotten out of hand

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What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

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Is it I 'ran' through the campground?

Or...I 'run' through the campground?

Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.

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Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand?

Because she uses the other one to sing

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Looking

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

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