A DEA officer walks on to ranch in Texas...

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

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I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..

but she's already had her face on a Bill.

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer explained as best he could, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that's a 'post turtle.'

The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there to begin with."

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I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...

They can finally legally own a black person again.

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Why Is 4/20 Associated With Weed

Why Is 4/20 Associated With Weed
4:20 PM on April 20th (aka 4/20) is considered *the* time to get high. But why? It has nothing to do with Hitler's birthday, and everything to do with a group of high school stoners.

April 21, 2016 at 03:24AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1XIv7fN

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An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. 
 Where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen 
table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
 Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
 Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy 
man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
 him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of 
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....

"Don't touch!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

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Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial

The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand.

Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?"

Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy."

Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?"

The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."

The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket.

The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?"

The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."

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