A guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan welcomes him warmly and shakes his hand. He is given the keys to a gorgeous apartment, where he finds a brand new set of golf clubs, and a membership to the ritzy Hades Golf Club. He has servants to look after his every need.

In the garage is a brand new sports car and the fridge is stocked with beer, and wonderful food. A large screen television has all the sports channels he is used to and free movies.

One day, after weeks of enjoying all the amenities, he opens up the cellar door.

Down below, he sees thousands of souls being tormented in fire and brimstone, and being tortured in unthinkable ways.

He goes to see Satan immediately, and tells him what he saw. Satan immediately apologizes, saying: "I am so sorry you had to see all that. You see, that is where the Catholics stay and they wouldn't have it any other way."

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If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

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I have been try to come up with a funny joke about leeches.

I couldn't because they all suck

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Little Johnny and the neighbor

Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters.

"Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn."

"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied.

"Now listen," said his mother, "The baby was born without ears. I don't want you making and jokes about ears or missing ears or not hearing things. If you do, you'll be grounded for a month!"

"Okay, mommy," Little Johnny said with a note of disappointment in his voice.

So they went over and had a lovely, 3-course meal. Little Johnny was extremely well-behaved and his mother was very proud of him.

After finishing supper, they made their way into the nursery to see the baby. He was sleeping soundly in his crib.

Little Johnny stood on his tiptoes, his fingers curled around the bars of the crib, eyeing the baby with intense curiosity. The baby's mother noticed Johnny's interest and smiled.

"What do you think of the baby, Johnny?" she asked.

"Oh miss! Your baby is just lovely."

"Why thank you!" the new mother beamed.

"No, no. I mean it," Johnny said, "He's got lovely hands, lovely feet, lovely eyes. Does he see okay?"

"Why yes," the mother smiled, "The doctor says he'll be blessed with perfect 20/20 vision."

"That's a relief," said Johnny, "Because if he needed glasses, he'd be fucked."

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My wife just said "I'm pregnant!"

I said "Hi pregnant, I'm dad!"

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I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me....

I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"

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My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

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