So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an airtight vault for three minutes," says the alien. "It's 3x3x3 meters and completely empty. You'll be given two balls made of a superstrong titanium alloy and no tools. Do something in the vault that will convince us that you're more interesting to us alive than dead, because if you fail to demonstrate your intelligence, we'll dissect you."

First goes the German engineer. After five minutes, the scientist alien walks into the cockpit with a disappointed look on his face.

"So we open the vault and he has managed to balance one ball on top of the other," reports the alien to the captain. "I ask him how, exactly, is this supposed to convince us that humans are an advanced species. Apparently "knowledge of basic physics" and "manual dexterity" are good enough for a human. Meh. We're dissecting him as we speak, bring in the next one."

They put the guru in, five minutes pass and the scientist alien walks into the cockpit even more disappointed.

"So we open the vault and he's sitting there in a lotus position, the two balls floating in the air around him. He even gives me the "Are you impressed?"-look, can you believe that? Apparently, lifting heavy titanium balls is impressive for the human mind. So yeah, they struggle with basic levitation; we're dissecting this one as well. Send in the last one."

The Bulgarian is put in the vault, the vault is sealed. Five minutes pass and the scientist alien bursts into the cockpit, flailing his arms and shouting excitedly at the captain and crew.

"Guys, you need to see this! Come, leave the saucer on autopilot and come! I swear, I have not seen such a thing in my entire career!"

"Calm down, what has he done?" asks the captain.

"It's unbelievable," continues the scientist, "in three minutes inside the vault he has managed to lose one of the balls and break the other."

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What do you call a dead body and two planks?

A "Build your own Jesus" kit.

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A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son

Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!

The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.

The robot slaps the mom...

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A kiss makes my whole day

Anal makes my hole weak.

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away.

"The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Was cleaning up the PC and found this joke I had on a txt file, thought I'd share it.

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A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said- 'the food looks delicious, let's eat.'

Wife: 'Honey.....you pray before every meal when eating at home'

Husband: 'that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.'

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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

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