A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital.

As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred.

However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be turned up, so it goes up to 20%.

Again, he says the pain is bearable and more or less non-existent, so it goes up to 50%.

Eventually, the pain transfer gets turned up to 100%, and the husband is coping very well, allowing his wife to have a pain free child birth. "This is so easy!" he says.

Eventually, a healthy, adorable baby is born, and they get to take it home. They drive the whole way back smiling. They pull into their driveway and go to the front door, only to find the postman, dead on the doorstep.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

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Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

Hillary laughs in his face

On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself."

Hillary laughs in his face

On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Lincoln replies "Go to the theater."

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I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States...

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.

So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

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Did you hear about the incestuous hotdogs?

They say they're in bread.

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A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis

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