because they're both stuck up cunts
Thứ Sáu, 1 tháng 7, 2016
I smell maple syrup!
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .
molasses."
Gretna, Louisiana: The arrest capital of the United States
Gretna, Louisiana: The arrest capital of the United States
When you cross into the New Orleans suburb of Gretna, Louisiana, over the Crescent City Connection bridge there is no sign that says, “Welcome to the Arrest Capital of the United States.” But it is.
July 1, 2016 at 01:12AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/28OoKoL
Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..
We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:
"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"
Well not to be outdone my ego took over and I grabbed my 9 iron to hit it right over that tree. I took my shot and THWACK the ball hit dead center of the tree and bounced back 30 yards behind me. That's when he chimes in again:
"Of course when I was your age that tree was only 2 feet tall!"
So a guy works at a sex shop
And his friend was in the neighbourhood and decided to go in to say hello. After a brief hello and small talk, the shop owner asks his friend if he'll look after the store for 10-15 minutes, while he goes to the bank before it closes. The friend agrees and away he goes.
After 5 minutes, a woman walks in asking about one of the small vibrators on the wall behind him.
"Oh that white one? $25"
She agrees and pays him. After about another 5 minutes, another woman comes in asking about one of the dildos on the shelf.
"That big black one? Well it's kinda pricey, but $60 if you're interested."
She pays him as goes off on her way.
Just before the shop owner returns, another woman enters the store, but looks awfully nervous, as if she doesn't know what she wants, but quickly goes up to the front desk.
"How much for that one on the shelf, the big plaid one?" she asks timidly.
"Well that one's a limited edition, pretty much the only one in the store. It's quite pricey, I'm not sure if it's in your price range...$250."
She quickly thinks it over and says, "what the hell, you only live once! I'll buy it." He bags it up, and as she's exiting the shop, the owner returns.
"Hey thanks again for helping me out." He shakes his hand in gratitude.
"My pleasure," the friend replies.
"Did you manage to sell anything while I was away?" he asks.
"Absolutely. I sold one of your white vibrators for $25" the friend says proudly.
"Great! I sell them for $15."
Then the friend continues, "I sold the big black dildo for $60."
"That's incredible! I charge only $40 for it," the shop owner beams.
"You kidding? That's nothing! I sold your thermos for $250!"
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived, she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me and she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'My Son, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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