So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just to warn ya, these parties usually involve drinking"

John: "don't worry about me, I can hold my liquor"

Lars: "might be some drugs too"

John: "well I may not partake, but no judgement on anyone who does"

Lars: "usually a bit of fighting as well"

John: "I'm pretty easy going... and if I have to I can take care of myself"

Lars: "I've also seen some pretty nasty sex going on at these parties..."

John: "after several months, that actually sounds pretty awesome!"

Lars: nods turns to leave.

John: "hey, before you go, what should I wear? Casual? Semi-formal?"

Lars: "don't matter... just gonna be the two of us"

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Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake. -My 6 year old Nephew

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A police officer stopped a car for speeding

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’

The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’

The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’

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what's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Good oral can make your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.

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If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light-bulb?

You can un-screw the light-bulb

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My only talent is sleeping

I could do it with my eyes closed.

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