Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?

They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.

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My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

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A story about a man who drank a lot..

So I have a story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again I will leave you"

So the man goes to the pub with his mates, has a few too many and throws up all over himself. He tells his friend about his situation and his friend said "take a £20 note and put it in your shirt pocket, then tell your wife somebody threw up on your shirt and gave you the money for the dry cleaning bill"

So he goes home and his wife was about to leave when she saw him. So he pulls out the £20 and explains someone threw up over him and gave him the money for the dry cleaning bill. She asks "what is the other £20 for?" He replies "that was from the man who shat in my pants"

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

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There's a man with a 15 inch penis...

This is a problem so he goes to the doctor to see what he can do about size reduction. The doctor says "sir, I can't do anything about it here. But I do know of a magic frog. Go into the woods, find the frog and ask it to marry you. Every time it says no, your penis will decrease by 3 inches."

So the man finds the frog and says "magic frog, will you marry me?" The frog rolls it's eyes and says "no." The man looks down and sure enough, it works! So he goes "magic frog, will you marry me?" The frog rolls it's eyes again and says "No." And it shrinks again down to 9 inches. The man decides to try one last time. So he goes "magic frog, will you marry me?" And the frog snaps and says "How many times do I have to say it?! NO NO and NO!!!"

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3 drunk guys enterd a taxi

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

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Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

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