Bacon Tree...

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"Oh my, John," says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" "You're right!" says John.

So John goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying John.

"John, John! What on earth happened?"

With his dying breath John calls out

"It's not a Bacon Tree"

"It's a Ham Bush"

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What's the difference between tuna, glue and a piano?

You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!

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Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.

'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

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An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.

Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police.

"I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?"

To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"

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A blind old cowboy walks into a bar...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....'

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What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

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So a guy and his new girlfriend are messing around...

when she stops him in his tracks and says, "I don't think I'm ready for sex with you yet. We've only been going out for a couple of weeks."

Disappointed, the guy asks, "well, is there anything I can do to show you that I'm serious and want to take our relationship to the next level?"

She thinks for a moment and replies, "if you are willing to come over for dinner and meet my parents, I'll be willing to take things to the next level." The guy agrees almost immediately.

The day of the dinner, the young man goes to his local pharmacy to buy protection. The problem is that he's a virgin and has no idea what he's doing. Embarrassed yet determined to get laid, he describes his situation to the pharmacist currently working the counter. The pharmacist shows him the condoms, lube, and other intimacy products and describes how to use them in significant detail. The lad thanks him, pays, and leaves.

Later that evening, the guy gets to his girlfriend's house right as dinner is ready. The eager beaver and his lady sit down at the table as the mom and dad join them. The father sits down, bows his head, and asks the rest of the table to join him in a prayer. They say grace before beginning the meal, however, our young protagonist remains praying for several minutes after everyone else begins their meal.

The girlfriend, confused, eventually whispers to him "I didn't know you were THIS religious..."

Still bowing his head, he whispers back, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

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