Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

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3 Baton Rouge police officers shot

3 Baton Rouge police officers shot
Three police officers have been shot dead in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and others have been wounded, authorities said Sunday.

July 18, 2016 at 05:20AM
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I got caught fapping..

while sniffing the underwear of my friends mother.

It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't wearing them at the time.

He went fucking ballistic.

Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward for the both of us.

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Sex Code

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

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Same old cow

My wife and I went to the ploughing championships and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

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German girlfriend

My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

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Tits are like Lego bricks...

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

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