A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?"

"fair deal" the shepherd says and the blonde guesses "457". The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says "a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it".

After the girl has picked her favourite of the pack, the shepherd says:

"if i can guess, which colour your hair had before you dyed it brown, can i get my dog back?"

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The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon!

Every imaginable kind of cured pork!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath...

"Pepe... Go back man! You was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?!"

"Pepe..ees not a bacon tree. Ees..."

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...a ham bush...!!"

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A zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”

“Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

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A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar

The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

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They used to be called "Jumpolines"

...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

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A man and his dog walk into a bar...

...The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

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What's the difference between a burger, and a blow job?

You don't know?

Let's do lunch sometime!

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