What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.

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A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

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Two men just got away with the largest Viagra heist in history.

Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

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How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask?

He claims to be your father.

Edit: it's just a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.

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You know what would be a hilarious prank?

Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

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Yo girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't really understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"

Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: "OOH! OOH! I KNOW!"

Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: "Franklin Roosevelt".

"Very good Julie, you can go." the teacher replied. "Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?"

Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. "OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!"

Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: "John Kennedy"

"Very good Sally, you may leave also." The teacher asked again "Okay class, which President said: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?"

Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: "Ronald Reagan!"

Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: "I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"

The teacher heard and shouted: "WHO SAID THAT!?!"

Timmy jumped up: "Bill Clinton! Can I go now?"

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