George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take.

'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush.

Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while.

'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.'

Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer.

'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.'

So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says:

'Ah, that I could endure!'

'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'

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Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny’s body.

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George Bush is with the Queen of England.

George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?" "Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" The Queen: "Easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?" David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am." "Very good! Thank you, David!" said the Queen. Then she turned to George with a smile and said "See?" Now its George's turn to apply the same logic... George went back to the USA and asked Jeb.. "Jeb, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure." said Jeb. "Let me get back to you on that one..." Jeb went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer... Finally, he ran into Obama and asked, "Hey, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?".. Obama answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Jeb said, "Thanks!" Then he went back to George. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Barack Obama." George slapped him. and shouted.. "No! You dumb idiot! It's David Cameron."

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What do they call aborted fetuses in Prague?

Cancelled Czechs.

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her family

Her parents invite him for dinner at their home. They all sit down at the table, while the dog lies down under it, and they start eating.

At some point, the dude feels like he really needs to fart. He tries to suppress the awkward feeling, but he can't and farts a big one.

'Rufus!' yells the father at the dog.

The new boyfriend is relieved: the whole family thinks the dog farted! They continue eating, but after a while the dude needs to do it again. 'It worked once, it can work again,' he thinks to himself, hoping the dog would take the blame once more. So he farts.

'Rufus!' yells his girlfriend's dad, quite loudly this time.

They continue eating. After a little while, the dude needs to do it again. At this point, he doesn't even try to avoid it and farts a huge one without a care in the world, with a little smile on his face. The dad exclaims:

'Rufus, I'm not kidding anymore, get the fuck out from under that table, cause this fucker might shit all over you, buddy!'

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew snapped back "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same."

Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: "Well you know what? I don't really like Jews too much.." Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why. "Because you guys sunk the Titanic!" Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims, "What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg.."

"Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you're all the same!"

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A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in

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