My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

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A kid asks his Dad "what does 'gay' mean?"

The father says "It means 'to be happy." The son asks "Are you gay?" The father says "No, son. I have a wife."

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Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

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I have an inferiority complex.....

It's not a very good one, though.

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Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other.

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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

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A little boy asked his dad...

"Why do gardeners say that they have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't actually green?"

The dad replied, "It's just a saying son. It's like when someone is caught stealing, you say that they've been caught 'red-handed' even though their hands are actually black."

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