A gorilla dies at the Zoo...

Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend to be a gorilla until the zoo can replace the deceased gorilla.

After a bout a week, word catches on that the gorilla has been acting more and more interesting, and people are coming in from all over the state to see the new gorilla. The zoo is getting more and more money, and due to this the former gorilla keeper asks for a raise of $200 more dollars a day to keep up the act. The zoo owner agrees, so long as the patronage keeps up.

Come another month, the interest in the gorilla has started to wear off, and the former keeper gets word. He creates an elaborate stunt to get more patrons and keep up his raise, by climbing over the enclosures fences, and climbing on top of the lions den. After dangling above the den for a good half hour, the man gets tired and slips into the den, and starts shouting "Help me! Help me I don't want to die!", Quickly a lion pounces on him and whispers in his ear "Shut the fuck up before you get us both fired!".

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.......

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”, he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

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How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?

They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.

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The North and the great Canadian lie

The North and the great Canadian lie
Canada is not a proud northern nation. Its Arctic is undefended, undeveloped and socially fraught.

September 12, 2016 at 09:33AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2cnzqeT

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A friend told me that all apples were yellow...

I was like, "that's bananas"

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A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

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