A man walks into a pub and orders three pints

A man walks into a pub alone and orders three pints. The barkeep looks at him oddly and tells him "You know a pint starts to go flat as soon as it's poured."

The man nods and replies "Of course, but me and my two college mates used to go out drinking together all the time. The last time before we split off, we promised to drink a pint for each of us when we go out drinking."

The barkeep, touched by this, pours the man his three pints. The man became a regular at the pub, and true to his story, every time he came in he'd start with three pints.

One day the man came in and only ordered two pints. When the barkeep brought them to the man he said "My condolences for your loss."

The man looked confused for a moment, then laughed, "Oh no, I just quit drinking!"

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What's the worst part about being gay?

You cant think straight.

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[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out the window like nothing happened. Some time later, she hears "Achoo!". The man quickly pulls his dick out, wipes it off, puts it back.

Three or four times later the shock has worn off and curiosity wins out, the woman finally works up the courage to confront the man.

"Excuse me, sir" she asks, "I can't help but notice your... situation there. Is there something wrong with you? Do you have some sort of problem I should know about?"

"Ah, that. I have a very rare neurological condition, you see" he replies, "Every time I sneeze, I involuntarily orgasm."

"Oh my, that's terrible!" responds the woman. "I'm so sorry! Are you taking anything to control it?"

"Yes" he says, "Pepper."

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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government...

So for homework, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."

"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said his dad.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parents' room to get help. When he got there, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "Oh! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

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At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

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